I'm Anything You Want Me To Be.

Sirens. Wailing. Tears? A lot of them.

These are the things I wake up desperate to escape from.

Day 10.

My breathing's fucked, my hair is a mess, and I'm soaked in my sweat.

I roll off my bunk, and when I get on my feet, I end up falling because my brain can't help me have composure on even just my balance. My head is throbbing now, but I can manage.

I take a deep breath and pull myself together.

I feel terrible for no reason at all. Maybe it's the headache. Or maybe it was just the bad dream.

Yeah, maybe it was just the bad dream. I'm here, having an odd morning because I can't decide why I feel so bad.

I tell myself to knock it off and get myself up. I drag myself out of the area to get some water.

I open the fridge and take a water bottle. I struggle a little to open it. Then I do open it, and when I put it to my mouth, the water ends up spilling all over me.

"Did you just miss your mouth? Good job, Riannon." I tell myself. I get a successful sip then I replace the cap. I'm feeling so dazed right now.

I put the bottle back in the fridge, and I find myself just standing there. With the fridge door open. It's really chill. But I close it again. That was random. Why can't I think straight?

Doesn't matter, I'm just thankful I woke up.

I go to the back lounge and get a shirt my dad used to wear. I have a bunch of his old shirts that I still wear around at home. And with where I am, in a bus with Nick and Jay (and even Dani), this is the closest to home I'll ever be without my dad.

I take my top off and wipe sweat off my back with it. Then I wear my dad's shirt.

I tie my hair up in a messy bun then I wipe crud out of my eyes. I've been crying, apparently. Doesn't matter, I'm just thankful I woke up.

Wonder where Jay is.. Oh, right. I asked John to watch him.

Should I really care that John's figured it out? That I was that girl, he was my first, and that Jay is his? I practically gave it away.

Does it matter? John's dumb question about Pat and that video bounces around the walls of my brain. But for a different reason.

Should I care? Does it matter? I shouldn't, it doesn't. Should I? Does it? I don't know.

I don't like thinking about this. I don't like thinking. Right now, I don't, anyway.

I could sleep this headache off. But if I sleep, I'll have those fucking nightmares again. No thanks.

My headache isn't that bad. I mean, I can still make out a couple of things, and my vision's still clear. I can still think. And so far, I'm pretty sure my heart's still beating, my lungs are still getting filled with air. It's not so bad to be me right now.

I think. I feel. I breathe. I'm alive, I guess it's not so bad.

I make my way to the front lounge and see Jay asleep, again, and almost as always, with his head on John's lap.

I smile at how at peace Jay looks. I guess one thing to be happy about is the fact that he doesn't feel the things I do. He doesn't deserve it. He's innocent, and young.. I shouldn't worry about him ending up being as fucked as I am right now.

Because, for sure, I'm not going to hurt him, or abuse him, over depression that his father is gone. Simply because he isn't. His father is alive and well, heck, I'm with him right now.

I think it's a good idea to raise Jay without a father figure. I mean, without his real father as the father figure. Nick and Halvo and Justin and Andrew have been playing that part greatly, so who needs John? Not Jay.

Jay has been fine. He doesn't need John any more than I do. And I don't. So Jay doesn't, either. He'll be fine without John. We'll be fine without John.

"Iann?"

I realize I've been staring at Jay for a while now when Kennedy's voice brings me back to my senses. I turn around and see him.

He's frowning at me. "Are you okay?"

When I open my mouth, I realize what he's frowning at me for. Because my voice is hoarse, and it cracks when I say "Yeah." I'm crying.

He scratches his forehead. "I don't think you are,"

"I am," I insist and wipe up the tears I didn't even know were flowing.

"You wish." he says.

I do just wish. I am just wishing I'm okay, but I guess I'm not.

Kennedy offers his hand. "You wanna go out for some fresh air?"

I realize the bus isn't even moving. So I can't even blame motion sickness for my headache. Maybe I just didn't get enough sleep. I didn't check the time frame, I have no idea how much sleep I got. Maybe it's that.

"Wait here," I tell him.

I sprint to the back lounge and take my pack of cigarettes. Fuck my therapist, she's gone. She could be dead, why do I have to keep promises I made to her? No, she doesn't control me. That was a waste of my years. What the fuck did she even ask me to limit my smoking for?

I don't care if I was supposed to wait a fucking week. I need nicotine. When I get to Kennedy, he doesn't ask me what I had in my hands and he leads me out of the bus.

"Is it too early to be out like this?"

I look at the sky. It's a dim blue. It must be around 5 or 6. Just as the sun's about to clear the horizon. "Why are you awake?"

"Shouldn't I be asking you the same thing?"

"No."

He shrugs and we start walking away from the bus.

I wonder where we are. We look like we're in a highway of some sorts. Because it's just one road. I don't ask about this anymore.

Even though my headache is killing me, I stick around here, walking with Kennedy. I like his company. And I'd choose it over a fucking headache, but I have both now, so I'll make the most out of it.

We plump down somewhere at the edge of the road, on the pave that was bounded on the ground. Our feet landed on the grass while we sat on the curb.

I sit with Kennedy for a while just breathing the fresh air, thinking about how I'm going to take this away from him with the cigarette fumes. So I think about this for a while, then I just shrug it off. Kennedy wouldn't mind. I think.

I pick a cigarette from the box and then I put the box down. Then I bring up my lighter.

Kennedy hasn't been looking at me, he was looking at the east, where the sun was rising. So maybe that's why he hasn't told me off.

When I flick the fire on from the lighter, Kennedy snaps to attention for me, but he doesn't say anything.

As if he weren't watching, I just start up a smoke.

I take my first inhale of the fumes, then my first exhale.

Kennedy purses his lips. "You smoke?"

"No," I answer sarcastically. "I don't."

"And that isn't a cancer stick in your hand then?" He chuckles. "You do know that's bad for you, right?"

"Or so John Ohh said," I reply, continuing my smoke.

It's a new thing for me, smoking in front of someone, but it's just different with Kennedy because he's not doing anything about it. So it's almost like before, only that I'm in a conversation.

"How long have you been smoking?" he asks.

"Since I was.. Uh.. Fifteen? Fourteen? I can't remember,"

This surprises him. "What?"

"But therapy made me.. Err, smoke less."

He makes me elaborate, so I go on.

"I don't know, okay, my therapist said it wasn't good and he told me that completely stopping wasn't going to be good either, so we spent three months with some sort of mild detoxification.. I think that's what she called it. I used to smoke at least twice a day, so what she did was every other day she'd make me smoke just one. Then after that, she made me smoke just every two days. Then every three, then every four.. Then we got to one cigarette a month."

"Maybe I should make John get detoxification with his alcohol," Kennedy jokes.

I laugh at this too before I puff up smoke again.

"Did you drink last night?"

"Why, do I smell like alcohol?"

"No," He grimaces. "You smell like smoke right now."

"Then why do you ask?"

"You don't think having John wake up with a hangover he tries to tell me he doesn't have for years would pay off like this?" He grins.

"You know I have a headache?"

"I know it's killing you." he says.

"Props to you." I say back.

Our conversation goes on uneventfully as I finish my cigarette. When I'm done, I throw it on the ground and Kennedy steps on it, making sure it's killed.

I feel good now.

Just got nicotine in my system, and Kennedy's sharing this morning with me.

Plus Kennedy isn't telling me off for smoking like I know everyone else would. I feel accepted.

"One time, I tried smoking," Kennedy says out of nowhere.

"Yeah?"

"I liked it. I mean, it was nice. It made me feel warm inside and helped me stop thinking for a while."

Oh, another thing we have in common.

"But then John found out and forced me to stop."

Had. "Why?"

"He said it wasn't good for me."

"So what?"

"So I stopped right after I started. Because John told me to."

Aside from things in common, of course, Kennedy and I will have to have our differences as well. And one of those differences is this.

I actually feel jealous now, that someone watched out for Kennedy. That someone cared for him enough to make him stop.

I know smoking isn't good, since when is blackening your lungs good? It isn't. But Dani didn't care when I smoked. Maybe because I never let her know, but she didn't even care about me. That's why she never found out.

Had my dad been alive, I wouldn't have gotten in this smoking business in the first place. And now, I can't stop. And I won't stop, because this is a part of me.

"I won't tell you to lay off that shit," says Kennedy. "Even though I really care for you,"

"Yeah?" This cheers me up a bit, him telling me he cares. "Thanks,"

He extends his arms and I let myself get lost in them. He's so warm, and honest. It's just all so comforting to me.

When he looks down at me, I say something I've said before. "Your eyes. They're hazel."

Before he tells me my eyes are blue like Garrett's, I continue.

"My dad's eyes were hazel."

He gives a half-smile, now knowing why comfort from him is important to me.

And I just found out. I see my dad in Kennedy, that's why it was so easy to let him in.

"And your eyes are blue. You got them from your mother?"

I sigh. "Yup."

"Well, your eyes are beautiful. You're beautiful. I bet your mother was gorgeous."

"She was.. My dad loved her a lot.. I mean.. I was young and stupid, but.. You know.. You just know.."

He nods.

I rub my eyes. "And Mom loved Dad a lot."

He nods again.

I never really thought about it.

Never have I said that I hated my mother. The truth is, I loved her. Even though I believe I loved Dad more, I loved her, too. Not as much, but I did.

And all those times she was hurting me, was I thinking about my pain? Or was I thinking about hers? This is an odd thought.

All those tears. Were they because of my pain or my mother's? Did I love her enough to have felt her pain? Or were her emotions just overwhelming and affected mine?

I mean.. She.. She went insane missing Dad. Could anyone blame her for loving Dad that much? My father is the greatest man I know, of course losing him ruined my mom. I was ruined, and I've only had my dad around for 12 years. How about my mom? I never really knew their love story, my mom and dad's.

I'm curious, and now that they're both dead, I guess I'll never know.

How long have I been out here with Kennedy? It's starting to get cold.

As if on cue, Kennedy asks "Do you wanna go back inside?"

But I'm thinking too much. What if I need another cigarette? Even though that's drastic because I smoked a week before I should.. Maybe I need another one..

I nod before I even conclude the previous thought. Kennedy actually kisses my forehead before he gets up and offers me his hand. When I take it, he pulls me up with him.

We walk back quietly with his arm around me. He must be sensing I'm cold, so he provides warmth.

When we go back into the bus, I see John sitting there with Jay. Of course, my attention's all on them.

Then I realize he's talking to someone.

Dani.

John sees me and immediately updates me by repeating Dani's probable question before we arrived. "Why Iann and I were fighting last night?"

I don't even think before I react to this by turning to Dani and asking "Why were you and Garrett fighting?"

"Is it any of your business?" Dani squints in immediate impatience.

"No." I shrug. "So why is why John and I were fighting any of your business?"

I didn't even realize Garrett was here too, next to Dani, until he starts defending her. "Well, John was hurting you--"

"I was only--"

"You were--"

"Shut up!" I cut Garrett off, and I stop Dani because I know she's about to say something. Also, I am annoyed, because they're all so noisy, and even John is trying to keep up with the argument.

The only voice I would really like to hear right now is Kennedy's, but he's not even getting in this argument like Garrett shouldn't.

They all quiet down to my not-so-gentle request.

I scratch the back of my head. I don't know what I should say. John and I faked a fight to get you two in the dressing room together.

Wow, that could get John and me killed by these lovebirds.

I'll keep it to myself. "John and I talked about it last night, Dani.. It was nothing, okay.. Just forget about it.."

I think I see Dani become all apologetic, but that fades as quickly as it came.

I would raise my voice at her right now, but my headache doesn't allow it.

She changes the topic now by looking at John again. "I saw the video Iann did with you."

"When?" asks John.

"Pat showed it to me last night after the show."

After the show? That was before John deleted our little scene.

John doesn't seem to be alarmed by this at all. "How was it?"

"Well, it was better than the one I tried to do with you," Dani lightly laughs. But there's this tone of being fake in her voice. Of course, she's not getting over the very short argument she just had with me.

"Pat thinks so, too." John says, wiping out completely the other side of this conversation.

I wonder if Dani saw it, if she's making anything of it if she did. Because we deleted it when everyone else went to their bunks. Pat left his laptop in the front lounge, by chance. Or maybe he wanted us to delete it. Maybe. Either way, if she saw it before we deleted it, then we're fucked.

Sort of. But would Pat let her see that? I don't think so.

I look at Jay who is looking at me with a worried expression. I bend down and he immediately runs into my arms. "I'm fine," I tell him.

He nods.

The thing is, Jay understands. He understands everything that goes on around him. He knows what everyone else means when they speak. He understands the words. He just doesn't respond verbally. But he responds in every other way he can.

He's disciplined. Jay. Raising him wasn't really easy, but it wasn't at all hard either. He was obedient, he stuck around when I told him to. He did everything I had him do. He can put on his clothes properly on his own, and potty-training him was a breeze.

He's not a crier. Only when it comes to blood.

One time, we were in the backyard. I was cleaning his other pair of shoes which got dirty in the park the day before. He was playing around in the grass, and I was just brushing the mud off his shoes when I heard a loud thump. When I turned around, I saw Jay just sitting there.

He wasn't hurt, I guess he wasn't. Because he didn't cry. Not even a grimace was on his face. He was just being his angelic self, and he was still smiling.

Even though he didn't look hurt, I still went over to him. Then I realized he scraped his knee on a clothespin I must've dropped when I finished some laundry.

There was blood, yes. A lot of it. But he didn't realize that till I started getting frantic.

He wasn't fazed by the pain. It was the blood that scared him. Just like the blood that oozed out the wound he got from John's guitar fiasco.

When I covered it up in a bandage, he stopped crying. That's it.

He has never cried over anything. Jay's a good kid. Brave, and a good child all in all.

I pull away and kiss his cheek after he kisses mine. "You good today, Jay?"

He smiles, but the worry for me never leaves his eyes.

"Jay, I'm okay. Really." I beam at him. And I force this headache away. I mean, I can try.

He nods as I get up.

"In other news," Garrett laughs at how Dani's trying to hold some of her anger in. "Pat's trying to edit in the back lounge, let's all go there!" He suggests very enthusiastically.

Dani says "I'll pass," the exact same time I say the same thing.

Kennedy laughs. "It's cute when you do that." He tells me and Dani.

I shrug and sit down a foot away from Dani.

John picks Jay up and he ventures out of the area with Kennedy and Garrett.

Now, I'm here alone. With Dani. This sort of makes me uncomfortable-- Then again, maybe it's the headache.

I can't hold my question in and I let it out. "Did Mom ever tell you how she met Dad?"

She raises an eyebrow in curiosity to mine. "She talked to me about it a couple of times.. Did Dad ever tell you how he met Mom?"

"Never," I say surprisingly. Dad never told me about it..

Dani spent as much time with Mom as I did with Dad. That's why she's gotten attached to Mom more, and maybe that's why I was in the mindset that Mom loved her more. Pretty reasonable, right?

I'm surprised that Dad never went into details. Just a simple "She saved my life." was all I ever heard from him when I asked why Dad loved Mom. It was a stupid question, but I was young and naive, and foolish.

Dani purses her lips a little. "Dad never told you?"

"He never really talked about it,"

"Well," she shrugs. "What Mom said was that she met Dad after they graduated high school, in college. Dad and Mom took similar courses, without really intending it.. But, well, Dad was flunking out of college because of some family problems, and Mom helped him keep up and catch up. She helped him get through around two years of college.. And stuff, then he had a really, really bad breakdown and Mom found him crying in his dorm closet or someplace like that. Mom said he almost cut himself?"

I lick my lips, thinking that maybe I got my emotional weakness from Dad.. It's weird to put it that way, but I must have inherited more than chromosomes and genes from him.

"Yeah, and stuff, and apparently, Mom fell in love with Dad, because she saw him at his most vulnerable and he was still the most handsome man she's ever met. Her words. And, well, what's funny is Dad fell in love with her too.. Then shit happened, and they both dropped out of college because Mom got pregnant with us."

I never noticed it-- Our parents were younger than everyone else's. At our age then, our classmates' parents would've been in their early or mid forties. While ours were in their mid thirties.

"They never finished college?" I ask.

She shook her head. "But they were fine, they raised us twelve years on their own."

"How'd they do that without finishing college?"

"I don't know, and I don't care.. We were raised pretty fine if you ask me."

I agree to this by nodding. Then I recall the previous sentences. "Wait, Mom and Dad dropped out of college because she got pregnant with us?"

"Yup, they got married after a couple of months. Then Mom found out she was having twins, and Dad almost cried because.. Well, Mom said, because he was some sort of overwhelmed.. But in a good way. He couldn't believe he was having twins. Mom said his exact words were 'I'm looking forward to waking up to the three most beautiful faces in the world.' And that cheesy shit,"

"Dad never told me that."

"But I'm sure he told you you're beautiful everyday. Ever noticed that?"

No. But now that I think about it, all those countless nights he tucked me in and kissed my forehead, he wouldn't just say a "Good night." He would say "You are beautiful, Riannon. I love you very, very much. Good night, angel."

"Mom said he promised to make it a point to never let us forget that he loves us very much, that to him, we're the most beautiful girls on this world. Because he said it was the only way he could make my mom not forget how much he owes him for keeping him sane."

I feel a smile creeping on my lips.

Their love story, I finally knew it.

My mom, Dad's only source of sanity. His only way of sustaining his sanity. Mom, Dad's sanity.

I get it, of course they were in love with each other. Because they'd seen each other at their worsts, and yet, they still saw each other as perfect.

I think I may never be as lucky as my father was to find my mother. Or Mom was to find Dad.

I find Dani more curious than ever now. But she doesn't ask anything. She just says "Pretty cute, how they fell in love."

"Beautiful," I reply.

She sighs, probably tired from the talking. She isn't one to talk a lot.

"I hope good love finds me," I think out loud.

Dani quietly says "It will. You just wait. I think."

"You wouldn't know,"

"Yeah, but it found Mom and Dad. Good love. It'll find us too.. Believe that. Because that's one of the very few things Dad ever said to me."