I'm Anything You Want Me To Be.

It worries me, how Dani thinks it was cute how our parents fell in love.

I mean, it's a pretty beautiful love story. But cute?

How cute is it that my dad found sanity in Mom? Is it even cute at all? Maybe she just mixed terms up. If she didn't, well, maybe I should start worrying about how she sees things.

Good love. It will find me.

Soon? I don't know.

Will I ever find someone who can keep me sane? I can barely hold my tears in when I'm with Nick. Knowing someone's there for me keeps me sane. But does Nick know that when he's not around, it sort of hurts?

It's weird, because when I heard the word 'sanity,' Kennedy's the first one that popped into my head. Not Nick.

Although I can't really see anything other than friendship between me and Kennedy, I won't lie, I find comfort in him. And it's almost a give-and-take situation here, because I know I help keep him sane for the mean time.

Maybe I'm better off not falling in love.

But I can't help these feelings with Nick. I just can't.

Nick's beautiful, and he tries so hard to help me. He's sensitive, and caring. And he'd been there for me when I got so emotionally stressed that I couldn't bring myself out of bed. He'd been there for me when I was in labor with Jay, he fucking forced the band to drop off the tour because he knew he had to be there for me. He'd been there for me when I had no idea what to do with Jay.

And he's still there for me, I just haven't been acknowledging his presence.

I sort of miss him, but he's in the same perimeter as I am. I shouldn't miss him.

I don't like Kennedy or anything. Not in the non-platonic way, I guess. But I finally found what I've needed for years in him, and I don't want to let that go. He needs me just as much.

So I shouldn't miss Nick, just because I'm spending a little more time with Kennedy than I should. And he shouldn't get jealous, because he's my best friend. He's practically Jay's father, the non-biological one.

I don't care if I'd found Jay's biological father, he's a dick. He's a prick, and I hate him. He won't ever be half the father Nick is to Jay. Never.

I look up when I hear Nick's voice.

"Don't worry, Jay, Mommy's fine." Nick tells Jay, who is in his arms.

Dani pays attention to how I reacted to that.

I'm glad I didn't.

Nick should know better than telling Jay about his mommy when I'm pretty much trying to keep it low-profile.

I run my fingers through my hair to pass the time while waiting for Nick to realize what he just did was wrong with Dani here.

Nick spots Dani, and I can tell he controls his reaction too. "Hey, Dani."

"Nick," Dani greets.

"It's a lovely morning," Nick says to both of us.

"I agree," Dani smiles a bit. I think she can sense something is off, and wants me and Nick to sort it out on our own, and that's why she gets up. "I'll go and see what they're up to in the back lounge,"

"They're editing your videos," Nick tells her.

"I wanna see," she counters. Then she leaves.

"Mommy? Seriously?" I raise an eyebrow at Nick as I confront him the second Dani is gone.

He frowns. "I'm sorry.. Jay was so down, and I knew you had something to do with it,"

I roll my eyes.

"Now, don't get mad at me, I was trying to cheer Jay up. I didn't know you and Dani were out here--" Nick says as he sits next to me after putting Jay down.

"I'm not mad," I say.

"I know it was stupid, I'll keep quiet the next time." Nick mumbles.

"You do that," I mutter back and start getting up. I want to go to bed. Just sleep this headache off.

I got my nicotine fix, and now I'm back to my senses. I just need some sleep now. Just some. To make this headache go away, since it's apparently not going away on its own.

Nick grabs my hand though. "Wait, Iann, are you mad at me?"

"I'm not," I reply quickly. "I'm really not."

"Then why do you want to get away from me so bad, Iann, am I doing anything wrong?" Nick replies just as quickly.

I look back at him, and I realize he's serious. I shake my head. "I just wanna get some rest, Nick.. My head hurts."

He still needs reassurance.

So I give it to him. I sit back down and hold his face in my hands, and I make him look into my eyes. "You're not doing anything wrong. Alright? I just really need some sleep."

He sighs.

I want to kiss him so bad right now. So fucking bad. I mean, there they are, his soft lips. And I'd love to have them on mine. Right now.

But I have to remember that I just smoked.

If he tasted the alcohol John got on my mouth, then he'd more with the cigarette I just consumed.

I wonder if he's even smelled it now.

I guess not.

He just lets out another sigh and kisses the top of my head. "It's getting busy here,"

"What do you mean," I mumble.

"We barely have time to talk.. It sucks, I was thinking we'd get to talk more with you on tour.. But I was wrong,"

"But we're still best friends," I tell him. "Don't worry, when your leg of the tour's done, we'll catch up. I don't know. But yeah. I promise we'll catch up after this."

He nods slightly and lets me go.

He's not wrong to be upset. We have barely talked. And I understand why he was in the mindset that he'd get to bond with me if I went on tour. Had it been with another band, maybe he wouldn't have been wrong.

But it had to be with The Maine, and it had to be with Dani, and it had to be with John. And not to mention all the potential danger this place is for a 3-year-old who can't even sputter out real words.

Wait.

What the fuck did I just promise Nick?

That we were going to catch up after tour?

Did I really just promise him that?

What's wrong with it? What's alarming me about it? What's making me rethink this? What's making me cringe? What makes the promise I just made to Nick wrong, and unattainable, and impossible to keep?

What the fuck is going on in my head?!

I wasn't supposed to make a promise like that to Nick..

I still have one to keep for Kennedy..

What.