I'm Anything You Want Me To Be.

Does Garrett ever even sleep at all when he's in his bunk? When he just escaped an argument or ran from trouble.. Does he sleep?

Maybe sleep isn't his escape. Maybe it's his bunk that's his safety haven from everyone else. Not sleep.

I don't know.

I'm starting to think that maybe I was wrong about how Garrett sleeps things off.

Maybe he doesn't.

Maybe he just stays in his bunk, pretending he's sleeping, to avoid people.

To.. Think things out on his own. Maybe.

I've been misjudging Garrett. It's unfair for him, and this goes without further explanation.

It's just instinct for me, to become all alert when someone gets too close to Dani. Even though it doesn't work the other way around, I worry about who she sees.

And with Garrett, I get the feeling I don't have to worry. Not at least when she's with him.

I can just tell, you know?

Why am I even thinking about Garrett and Dani, they've settled their scores. I've got nothing to worry about anymore. Nothing that involves them anyway.

"Where's Iann?"

"She went back to sleep."

That's what they think. I mutter in my head after I hear a short exchange of words between Halvo and John.

That's the entire reason I'm in my bunk.

I'm trying to get everyone off my case.

And they all know better than to drag someone out of Dream Land.

I'm surprised that they're all sensitive enough.

But then I think about Kennedy, and how John's mentioned he rarely gets peaceful sleep. Then I'm not so surprised anymore.

I don't like trapping myself in here. I really don't. It's cramped, and hot.. And just weird. Sleeping in this prison's only happened twice, and right now could be the third time if I just close my eyes..

But my thoughts are keeping my eyes open wide even though I can barely see in the dark.

I'm in here because I know I'm going to give off a sign that something's wrong. I'm in here because I don't want them to see me freaking out. Because they'll ask what about, and why, and I wouldn't be able to come up with a decent answer on time.

So I think I will just stay in here for a while.

It's safe in here. I believe. So yup.

I'm falling asleep. I can feel my senses drift off to rest. My eyelids drop. I let myself doze off.

When I wake up, I'm thankful that I let myself take a nap. Because now I've calmed down.

I get out of my bunk and I start my way to the back lounge.

Here, I see Jay just sitting down and toying with one of the buttons on his little shirt.

He smiles when he looks up and sees me.

I smile back and sit next to him, then I put him on my lap. "Hi, Jay!"

He mumbles something and hugs my arms.

Seeing him smiling always cheers me up. Always. And I know he knows I'm okay now because there is not even a hint of worry on his expression.

"Mommy's fine now," I tell him.

He nods.

I look around the table in here and realize this is someone's work area. I see a laptop that's on, but I don't see the screen. A charger set up, a coaster on the side..

"Ma!"

I ignore this for a second when I realize it's Pat's laptop.

"Ma! Ma!"

Annoyed, I turn to Jay and see he's actually calling for me. "What?"

"Ma!"

This actually surprises me.

I mean.. Jay's turning 3. It's normal for him to be making all kinds of sounds. Also, I have no idea when I'll start teaching him how to talk. And he has been making all kinds of sounds. Weird ones, cute ones, ones that make you sometimes wanna shove a brick down his throat...

But he's never actually spoken back. Not a yes, or a no, or an "I want more ice cream." None of that shit.

His responding to the stimuli around him was enough, sort of. I never really wonder why he doesn't talk simply because I know I'm not contributing to the development of his speech and vocabulary.

He made these sounds and noises that didn't really make sense. Sometimes, it seems like he's saying something but he actually isn't. He's just.. Mumbling shit, making his tongue work, exercising his jaw.

And never, ever, has he acknowledged me by calling me Mom or Mommy or anything of the like.

"Ma!" When he sees how I'm reacting, he frowns. "Ma.."

I don't even know how I'm reacting so I feel guilty when he thinks I'm upset.

I'm not. I'm not upset, how could I be? Jay's fucking calling me Ma, if that isn't something to be happy about, I don't know what is!

"Say it again," I say excitedly.

His face breaks into a beam when he realizes that I'm not mad or anything. "Ma!"

I hug him. "Aw, Jay!"

"Ma, ma, ma, ma, ma!" he sings, resting his chin on my shoulder and tangling his fingers in my hair.

This is so exciting. His first actual recognition of me as his mother! Not really his first words. He'd said words that didn't mean anything before. He'd tried mimicking things he heard around him without thinking. But Ma!

I pull back a little and kiss his cheek over and over again, which I do when he does things that make me extremely happy. And yes, he's made me extremely happy a lot of times. So that's a lot of kisses.

Jay's blushing now because he knows he's making me proud. Of course, I can read him like an open book with the biggest goddamned font size you know.

I hug him and shake him around. "Aw, Jay." I can't help the beam forming on my face either.

"Ma, ma, ma," he keeps chanting happily.

I turn around when I hear someone else's voice.

"Did he just call you ma?"

I wouldn't freak out if this was Pat. I would keep calm. I would remain composed.

Because, well, it's Pat's laptop on here. And I think they've missed their deadline on the tour update, but what the heck? They're still editing it. Pat's still editing it.

But it's not Pat. And I'm freaking out. I'm not keeping calm. And I'm not remaining composed.

Because it's Garrett.

And he's got the biggest look of confusion mixed with suspicion on his stubbly face. "Wait, that means you're--"

I don't know how I did it so quickly, but I shut him up by silently pinning him against the wall and covering his mouth with my left palm.

"What the fuck," he mutters as he tries to force my hand off.

I don't know what to say. I just practically attacked Garrett. And for what? A stupid guess? A crazy conclusion that I know sounds unbelievable to him and everyone else.

"What? I was just asking if he called you Ma. Just say yes, sheesh, I heard it with my own ears."

"Of course you did." I say. But I don't take my hand off. It's just resting on his pie hole right now, and to keep him muted, I don't plan on taking it off.

"Come on, Iann, the only person stupid enough in this bus to actually believe that that kid's your little brother is Pat. Besides, I know about the impossibility of it all. Something about your parents."

"Of course, she told you that." I mumble, remembering that they have dated before.

"Well, yeah." Garrett shrugs a little, makes the most movement he can with me actually keeping him against the wall. "If I knew any better, I'd say Jay could be John's Because Jay sort of looks like him. But then I remember that you.. Don't know.. Each other..."

His voice trails off.

I realize that his eyes aren't gazing into mine anymore. They're directed somewhere else.. My hand. No. Not my hand.

My wrist.

What the fuck is he staring at my wrist for?

I remember taking the bracelets off sometime before because they'd started getting blood-stained.

Is it my tattoo?

"What are you looking at," I follow his blue eyes, and they're glued where my tattoo is. So I was right again. But what is he thinking about?

He's so close right now, it's as if I can hear gears in his brain putting two and two together. But two and two of what?

"Jay.. He's.. He's John's kid, isn't he? And John.. And.. And you.. You slept with him."

"That is ridiculously absurd," I say to Garrett without thinking.

This makes him rethink what he just said.

I continue to try completely wiping the thought out. "Like, seriously, Garrett, do you know what you just said? It's ridiculous! Really, Garrett?"

He takes this into consideration as I step back from him. "Then why'd you attack me like that,"

"No reason,"

"But you have a tattoo on your wrist.."

"So?" I ask, making sure curiosity is what Garrett gets.

"I don't know. When I took Dani to the bus, the first thing John did was looked at her wrist. He sort of freaked out, I tried to ask him about it and he just said she looked like someone he knew.." Garrett explains, fixing his bangs.

"So? Does that automatically mean that he slept with me just because I have a damned tattoo on my wrist? Besides, everyone knew Dani, maybe he was just surprised to see--"

"Well, he freaked out when he saw Dani. And not in the Oh my God, you're here! What's up, I missed you so much! sense. He wouldn't have freaked out that much, or that way if he just simply knew someone that looked like her, right? And news flash, you happen to look like Dani. Not to mention the fact that Jay looks too much like John, and that John barely hates that kid. He hates kids, do you know that?"

"Kennedy said John's just not fond of them--"

"And then all of a sudden he's fond of Jay? I don't know, sounds like the cryptic John O'Callaghan is pretty hypocritical, too."

"You're a smart boy," I blurt out. And since I've blurted it out, I don't stop myself from elaborating. "You think."

"A lot." Garrett raises his eyebrows. "I do think. A lot. About a lot stupid things, a lot of times,"

I start to think that maybe I can just distract him until he forgets what we've just been talking about. Maybe I can revert his attention to himself. Sounds like a pretty good thing to do, it seems that Garrett wouldn't mind talking to someone about himself.

He shrugs. "But right now, my mind's pretty set on.." Garrett moves to me and pats my cheek like he did when he made me take Dani's photo pass. "You."

My heart starts pounding instead of beating, and I'm sure if I won't be able to control it, my breaths would give it away.

What the fuck, is Garrett really intimidating me?

Excuse me, but Riannon Maree Jones does not get intimidated.

Garrett laughs. "Iann, why aren't you saying anything?"

I stand there, I feel myself starting to shake.

I don't understand why I'm feeling this way.

Like my mindset before, It's just Garrett.

What is scaring me so much about this boy? The truth is, I like people who think. Really think. Like Garrett does. And John. And Kennedy. I like people who think the way they do, because I think the same way too. So why am I scared?

If he's figured it out, I should be impressed, not nervous. There's nothing to be nervous about.

I've been subconsciously preparing myself for someone as much of a deep thinker as Garrett is to connect these wires.. So why am I feeling this way?

"I should be hearing a 'Yes, you're right.' or a 'No, you're fucking wrong, and what you're trying to point out is utterly and ridiculously absurd.' right about now, but you're not saying anything; Why aren't you saying anything?"

I try to pull away from Garrett but he keeps his hand around my wrist.

"Say something, Iann, was I right or was I not? Was my thinking a waste of fucking time, I've been thinking about this a lot--" he says quickly.

"Why think about it, is it any of your business?"

"Well, no," he shrugs. "But I'm not Jared, and I like poking my nose into where I know it's not wanted."

"I think I might want to take back calling you smart."

"Then take it back, you can call me not smart all you fucking want, but in actuality, I'm not stupid, either."

He's great with comebacks, too.

"So, okay. Let's make this more simple, let's reevaluate this, shall we?"

"Fine."

"Did I, or did I not just hear Jay call you Ma?"

"You did."

"And did you, or did you not just attack me and pin me to the wall?"

"I did."

"So is he, or is he not your kid? Are you, or are you not Jay's mom?"

I gulp.

He waits.

And you know what? Whatever. He was going to find out anyway. "He is, I am."

"And John.. Is he or is he not that kid's dad?"

I look away from him. "I'm almost sure he is."

"Wow, I knew it!" Garrett applauds himself and lets me move back.

"Well, congratulations." I sarcastically greet.

I look at Jay, losing this argument with Garrett Nickelsen. The nervousness doesn't subside though. And I'm wondering why.

I know for myself that I don't mind losing an argument with Garrett. Because I know he thinks. And I would love to debate with him some more, but facts are, I've already lost. Maybe next time.

I wait for this weird feeling to melt away, but it doesn't. It stays, flaring in me more because I can't conclude where it's coming from.

Jay frowns at me, mumbling another "Ma..."

Then it hits me why I got all nervous, why I still am. Why relief isn't flooding into me when it should because I did think Garrett was going to find out eventually. It hits me when the words come out of my mouth in the tone of desperation. "Don't tell Dani."

That's it. Because even though I've accepted that Garrett was going to find out, one thing I would never accept is Dani's knowledge of this.

"What?"

Now, Garrett's confused.

I know I shouldn't blame him.

"Are you serious?" he sputters out. "She doesn't know?! Are you.. Are you serious?"

"What makes you think I'm not? Garrett, please don't tell Dani." I stop myself from being sarcastic, because Garrett just asked me a stupid question, and refusing to forgive him and just actually calling him stupid would do either of us no well. But even though I didn't use sarcasm which is one hell of a fire starter, another argument sparks up.

"But she's your sister--"

"And?"

"Aren't you supposed to share that shit with her--"

"Says who?"

"No one, just.."

"What are you trying to say, Garrett, I was supposed to tell her?"

"I'm not saying anything like that, Iann, I just think that--"

"That she should know because she's my sister? No, Garrett, fuck her. And I know you'd love to. You know you shouldn't have a say in these things just because you've finally established a stable and decent relationship with her again, Garrett, you shouldn't--"

He cuts me off firmly. "Wow, shut up."

"Excuse me?" I'm sure he's intimidating me now.

"Shut up, I'm.. Fuck, I'm not talking about Dani being my girlfriend here,"

"Yeah--"

"I'm talking about Dani being your sister, she's fucking concerned."

"Concerned? About what?" The last thing I need is someone trying to convince me that Dani actually cares when I'm set on the fact that she doesn't.

"Not about what, about who and that's you--"

I laugh. "That is so stupid, Garrett, quit kidding around,"

"Do I look like I'm fucking kidding around, Iann?"

"Your face is a joke and the fact that you're acting like you know your way around me and Dani's relationship as sisters is a joke, how am I supposed to take you seriously?"

"So you don't think Dani cares?"

"She didn't, she doesn't, and she never will, Garrett." I scoff.

"Oh." Garrett makes himself sound like he's accepting it, letting things settle, but I know that's not what he's doing. I know he's trying to intimidate me some more, prove me wrong. He thinks what he believes is true, and to be fair, I make sure to remember to let him lay out his side of the argument.

"Yup."

"Okay." He seems to shrug this entire topic off, but I know he isn't about to do that.

Too much of a stupid move for someone as smart as him.

"Sit down, I'm editing the videos." Garrett says.

Such a good actor, too. "Okay." I say and cater to his command as I plump down next to Jay again.

"No, sit next to me, right here." Garrett says as he starts scrolling around on Pat's laptop, without looking at me. He pats his side.

"Why?"

"Nothing." Garrett shrugs, but he keeps patting. "Come on, this'll be fun, watch me edit the videos!"

"Whatever," I say, remembering that John already pre-edited the video so there's nothing for me to worry about, then I sit next to him.

"It's fun to talk to you, do you know that?"

"Kennedy's said so.. And John said I make sense."

"Glad I'm not the only one who thinks so." Garrett mumbles.

"So what've you finished editing so far?"

"Haven't started it yet, Pat just told me he couldn't figure it out." Garrett says.

"Oh."

Garrett furrows his eyebrows. "I told Pat not to edit the videos before we actually put it in the software," he lets out a small grunt off annoyance.

"What?"

"Nothing," Garrett sighs.

"Okay,"

"I started watching the videos a while ago to see what I could work with." he continues.

"Yeah?"

"Just haven't watched John's yet, he said you took a video with him because the one Dani did with him fell short. That right?"

"Yup,"

"I think Pat messed around with it because the file's corrupt now.." He lets out another sigh.

I remember John replacing the file. Maybe he didn't. Maybe he corrupted it.

Great, John, great.

"I tell him not to mess around with raw footage, he keeps forgetting."

I actually feel bad that Garrett's blaming Pat, John's to blame for corrupting the file.

"In case he forgets, I always have the settings straight, so the originals are always recovered."

"You don't say," That means he's going to watch the damned video.

"So yeah, going to watch this now. Pat said you did a great job."

"I think I did." I say without hesitation.

"John said the same thing, let's see if same goes for me."

Garrett double clicks the video then it starts playing.

So far, no reaction. And throughout the almost one-sided conversation, I see Garrett nodding in approval of what John was saying.

"Maybe we'll finish recording by October or November, then release on December or early January. I really have no clue."

"Anything else to say?...Then we're done."

"Did you forget to stop recording?" Garrett asks as he watches me sit next to John on the screen.

I'm not even nervous anymore. Whatever.

Garrett watches me button up John's shirt and finish it up, then the part where I look up, and John kisses me.

I look away from the screen, though. I don't want to watch it happen over and over again. This is, like, the third time I've seen this little happening between John and me. Not the best sight ever.

"Had I seen this earlier, I would've had more proof that you and John knew each other." is all Garrett says. "I'll edit it out,"

I just say "Never saw it coming either."

After a while of watching Garrett put videos in a video-editing software, he takes a stretch.

"What time is it?" he asks.

I never thought about what time it was, why Garrett was the only one around, and why Jay was with him. Because I know that if John were awake, he'd be with Jay, but he's not. Maybe he's asleep. And I haven't had a glance at all the others since I've woken up. "It's on the monitor."

"Oh, right." He chuckles and checks the time. "Oh my God, it's already eleven?!"

That explains why no one's around.

"Stupid Pat," Garrett mutters. "We're totally missing the deadline for this."

"At least you still plan on editing it and putting it out," I say.

"Yeah.." he replies.

"Dani's pretty good, huh?" I ask as he starts actually doing things with the videos on the software.

"The best," he agrees. "How is she as a sister?"

"She sucks." I immediately spit.

"Now, don't say that," Garrett suggests, again, his eyes glued to the screen. "Do you know that when I first took her here, she kinda had second thoughts?"

"Yeah? Why's that?"

"She said there was someone she cared for back home that she couldn't leave--"

"Bullshit." I cut Garrett off.

"It's true!" he insists, glancing at me now. "I'm guessing that someone was you, that someone she cared for that she didn't want to leave--"

"But she left anyway!" I snap, unable to control my voice volume. I noticed Garrett's wince when my voice reached an ear-piercing level, and it makes me quiet down. "She.. She left anyway." I gulp as I lower my voice to make it less loud.

"Dani said she would've stayed if you only asked her to,"

"No, she would've left whether or not I asked her to stay because it's The fucking Maine, and The fucking Maine will always.."

Garrett raises his eyebrows, anticipating more of what I have to say.

But I shouldn't say this to Garrett. They're happy together, am I still going to ruin that with my selfishness?

I'm picking the worst time to be selfless for myself, because, as much as I want to just shoot daggers at Dani's back, I know I shouldn't do it.

Remembering realizing that The Maine actually saved her life makes me more ashamed that I even started saying things I shouldn't have.

"What?" Garrett eagerly asks me to continue.

"Nothing, Garrett.. Never mind."

He lets this go on without questioning. I think it's because he knows I don't want to talk about it anymore. He says "Sorry, I didn't mean to pry."

"It's fine.." I say. "I'm really stoked you two are getting together or something."

"Oh yeah?" Garrett chuckles awkwardly as he continues his work. "Fancy hearing that from you."

"Just so you know, I totally want you for her." I say out of nowhere.

Garrett sort of blushes but he doesn't intend for me to see it.

We sit here quietly for a couple more hours. At least. I check the time before I get up. 1 am.

I look at Jay who's fallen asleep. Then I look at Garrett again. "Why was Jay awake with you?"

"John drank some."

"Nick?"

"Slept early."

"Halvo?"

"Busy with Andrew and Justin."

"So you watched him?"

"Kennedy told me to, he didn't wanna watch him."

"Alright."

"You heading back to sleep? I'll watch Jay."

"Thanks."

"Good night."

"Night."

I start exiting when Garrett calls to me again. "It was nice talking to you."

Nice? Yup, bullshit with Garrett Nickelsen. Nice. But I wouldn't say that.

I say decently "You too, Garrett. Good night."