I'm Anything You Want Me To Be.

Sleep is nice.

It's good for you.

It shuts down all body functions minus the beating of your heart and the capacity of your lungs to fill themselves with air on their own. And it stocks your body up with well-needed rest.

But apparently, if you remember your dreams, that means part of your brain was awake. That means you weren't truly asleep.

But it feels almost just the same. Because you did lay down, you did close your eyes. And you kept breathing. You did drift away. And frankly, you did get your rest. Physically.

Mentally, though, you just worked out. You just exercised your brain at a time it was supposed to rest.

Which could lead to either a headache or just simply feeling lightheaded for when you wake up.

You just be thankful you got sleep at all. Forget about everything you dream about. They don't matter. They're not real. They're in your subconscious and in your subconscious they will stay.

Alright, Iann?

Okay.

It's normal to dream. See things unlikely to happen in your subconscious happen. It's even fun sometimes. That only depends on what you're dreaming about, though.

I don't know the longest I've gone without sleep. I think I went, like, 36 hours. Then I just passed out the moment I got on a bed, woke up 11 hours later.

It's always nice waking up to sunshine. The kind that seeps through the windows and and lights up the room.

So I conclude that today is gonna be a nice day, because the comforting sunlight is what wakes me up, what I wake up to.

And I just had a conversation with myself in my head.

It's a lovely 7 am in wherever we are.

Day 12.

I guess I fell asleep in the front lounge again. That's okay. Roughly a little over a week left, I'll just hang around till all this ends.

All this.

I wonder if anyone's up. Jay isn't here...

Maybe John watched him last night. Or Nick, or Halvo.

Either way, I'm sure Jay's fine wherever he is.

Nothing compares to having just the fact that you exist crash into your system, as if you weren't aware before. It's weird. A lot of weird. To think that... You could... Not exist... But you do.

And it's weird to think that everyone around you exists as well. Everything. For instance, John could.. Not have existed. But he did, and he does, and now he's here where I never even thought he'd be. For another instance, my shoes. They could.. Not exist. But they do, and they're keeping my feet warm.

Could... Not... But do.

I could not be here, but I am.

In the bunk area, making my way to the back lounge to see if Jay is there.

I could not care, but I do.

All these could-not-but-do statements are making my head hurt.

For a moment, I feel completely lost and I end up tripping, falling on my ass on the cold bus floor. I don't wonder how that just happened.

It's normal... To me, I think. There are really these times when I think too much that it's like I've pulled away from reality.. And when I get back, my body gets impacted.

Really odd. But I'm used to it.

I collect myself and prepare to get up when John's voice floods my ears. "Iann?"

It's been so quiet that his voice is alien. But it registers pretty quick. "John," I reply.

"Are you okay?"

Not even a hi or a hello. "Yeah."

He fists his eyes as he looks down at me. "Sorry!"

"What?"

"You tripped on my shirt,"

"I did?" I mumble, looking back, and seeing that my feet are tangled in plaid cloth.

"I am so sorry for leaving that around." John says, getting out of his bunk. He pulls his shirt away, then he helps me up. "Really, really sorry."

"It's too nice a morning to be too apologetic, John," I sigh. "It's okay. Plus, be quiet. Everyone's asleep."

He takes my hand and leads me out the bunk area, into the back lounge, where I was headed anyway.

"Why are you up?" I ask. "Did I wake you up?"

"No.. I.. I've been up all night,"

"Oh," This upsets me for some reason. I think it's because I was just thinking about how nice sleep is.

"How about you? I mean, why are you up?"

"I just am," I shrug. "It's normal to wake up after around six to eight hours of sleep. Yeah?"

"Of course." John chuckles.

I glance at him as I scan the back lounge. I was right to assume Jay was here because he is. Asleep. I turn to John again. "Why couldn't you sleep?"

John pouts and walks to a seat, probably composing an answer. Then he plumps down. "Does it ever happen to you?" He messes his hair up. "When you think too much and can't sleep?"

"All the time," I reply and sit next to him.

"Also, another thing is I couldn't decide whether it was too cold or too hot in my bunk,"

"Which is why you threw your shirt out," I conclude.

"Again, I'm sorry."

"It's fine," I smile when he looks at me. "Really."

He sighs.

I nod, realizing he's not planning on saying anything else. I find myself staring off like he does.

Thinking too much. John..

"Was it good or was it bad?" I blurt out.

"Hmm?" He raises his eyebrows.

"What you were thinking about,"

"Ah," John claps. "I don't know, maybe it was neither. Mostly bad. Basically, I have no idea." He lets out a quiet laugh.

I nod again, just taking his answer in. Not gonna ask anymore, he wouldn't want to talk about it anyway. Also, most probably, those thoughts involve Jay, or me, something..

"How about you?"

"Huh?"

"Those things you think about.. Are they good or are they bad?"

"I don't know, maybe it was neither. Mostly bad. Basically, I have no idea--"

"You just copied my answer," He playfully slaps my arm.

It's then I realize that I did just copy his answer. But I didn't mean to copy his answer, I guess mine just matched his subconsciously.

"Are you okay now, though?" I ask.

He shrugs. "Sort of, I'm with you."

"What?"

"Because you're talking to me. A lot of times, I just feel all contemplative on my own. But you're here, it makes me feel different."

"Different how? In a good way?"

"Yeah, in a good way. When I think like this it's either I'm alone or no one's up so rarely do I have anyone to talk to at all."

"Oh."

"Not to mention you're nice to talk to."

I let out a giggle, and that giggle puts a huge smile on his face.

He eases himself into rest, putting his shirt on his side.

"You should get all the sleep you can right now." I mumble.

"I should.." he mumbles back. "I feel better now. Thanks."

"Yeah," I get up.

A hand wraps around mine immediately. I look back at John, whose eyes are closed now.

I don't expect what he says next.

"Sleep with me."

Watch him while he sleeps. That's all he was asking, I know.

I know.

But looking at him right now.. And what he just said.. Just.. Fuck.

I'm staring at him now. He's fixed himself onto his back, resting his body on the couch. "John?" I think maybe he's fallen asleep already or something, even though it's unlikely.

He's still holding my hand, but his eyes are already closed. Somehow, I know he's not yet asleep.

"John,"

"Jones," he calls. After, I feel he tugs on my hand, and for some reason I lose all control with myself and let him do whatever. "Sleep with me." he requests again.

"John,"

"Shh," His arms silence me when they wrap around my frame.

I shouldn't make this big of a deal, but I can feel my heart pounding, and now I'm wondering if he can, too. If he can hear it. Feel it.

I don't like making this kind of or this much contact with John. It just doesn't feel right. Not anymore, anyway.

I don't know why he can't sense that I'm uncomfortable.

I think about it for a second.

Then I realize that the reason he can't sense that I'm uncomfortable is the fact that I'm not.

I'm not uncomfortable. If anything, I know I'm growing fond of the warmth he's radiating. Which seems wrong, but feels right. For now, surely, it isn't understandable.

I bite my lip, realizing he's falling into slumber with me in his arms, with my head practically pillowing itself on his bare chest.

I close my eyes and take this in.

Maybe.. Maybe I'm dreaming.

But what would I be doing dreaming about a moment like this with John? What would I be doing enjoying this if this was happening in real life?

Then I think.. It's impossible to think this way while I'm dreaming.

"Are you okay?" he asks in a whisper.

I nod into his chest, in response to his wondering if I'm comfortable. I am. "Sleep." I whisper back. "Just get some sleep."

"Okay,"

I count 7 minutes in my head, 420 seconds, recalling what John and I had once shared a conversation over.

I observe his breathing during those minutes. I feel his chest cave in and out, I feel his heartbeat.

Then I whisper. "John?"

No response.

"Okay," I rest my head on his chest actually.

I count another 7 minutes.. 420 seconds..

No, I didn't get to 420 seconds at all. I fell asleep.

A couple of hours have passed with both of us unconscious, I think. My eyes flutter open, and I find my head where it was when I fell asleep. On John's chest.

John's sound asleep. Still.

I look up at his face, he looks so at peace.

I wonder.. What it would've been like to have woken up that morning with him.

That morning he left me.. I wonder what it would've been like if he actually didn't ditch me.

What if I woke up that morning with him under me like this? If I woke up to this face. If I woke up with a little more company than I actually had.

Maybe the tables would've turned before they were set. Maybe I would've left him.

No. Erase. I wouldn't have left him. I wouldn't have.

But what would I have done? Would I have waited for him to wake up? Would I have just slept again? For sure, though, I wouldn't have left him.

But what would he have done if he didn't leave me? What if he stayed?

Maybe he would've taken me home. Maybe we would've fucked that hangover off together like he said I was to do the night before.

I don't know, maybe we would've had something more than that stupid one-night stand. It's stupid to think, but maybe then I would've had him around instead of Nick. Maybe Jay would've started growing up with a real father.

Imagining that now makes me feel weird, it's an undecipherable feeling.. Then it starts making me sick.

Thinking this way, imagining these things.. What's the fucking point?

And those "What if he stayed?" theories. They're fucking pointless. Why? Because he didn't. "What if he stayed?" Fucking pointless. Stupid. Because he didn't.

I feel him stir and this makes me sort of try to get up.

But he holds me in place while he slowly opens his eyes. Seeing me, a smile forms on his lips. "You stayed."

"You bet I did," I mumble, not over the thoughts I was just having.

"Why?"

"What do you mean why?" I whisper.

The smile fades and he whispers back. "You could've left."

"I fell asleep." I reply.

He nods slightly.

"I should go," I suggest, but I don't move a muscle.

"If you have to," John mutters.

"Do you want me to stay?"

"I'd love for you to stay but if you have to go do something.."

"I don't have to do anything,"

"Do you want to stay?"

"I'd love to stay."

"Then stay,"

I've been staring at his chest now, rereading the words "We all have" and "we all will" over and over, the rest I can't read because it's where my head rests.

It's like his voice wiped out all previous thoughts. Because now all I'm thinking about is how warm he is, how much I like the way he's holding me, how I do want to stay.

I look up and see he's watching me.

"Is something wrong?"

Of course something is wrong.

What am I even doing?

I'm considering the possibility that I enjoy being with John like this.

Fuck.

Of course something is wrong. Everything is wrong.

But I can't bring myself to say anything to John.

"Something wrong?" he asks again.

I know I don't shake my head. But I know I don't nod either. It's just.. Now I'm so lost in his eyes, and one thought overwhelms me:

The thought of these eyes not having been the first things I saw the moment I woke up that morning.

Yes, something's wrong.

The fact that I stayed, even if the situation is different. He doesn't deserve it for me to have stayed, he isn't worthy of this kind of presence from me. That I'm staying even though I'm faced with this fact. That's what's wrong.

How do I tell him that though?

I'll just not.

Besides, right now, I've the inability to speak. And to think straight.

I feel him pulling me in gently. What I don't feel is any jolts of rejection from any part of my body.

Closer and closer. And then I feel his lips on mine.

Then we both jerk away from each other the moment we feel someone else's presence in the back lounge.

I get off John and straighten myself up quickly, all the while hoping it isn't Nick, in a second.

It isn't Nick. And I'm thankful. Because in the split second I took to look at him, I knew the only person I wish it weren't was Nick.

But now I see the way Jared is looking at me, the way he's looking at John.

"Excuse me," Jared says awkwardly as he backs away.

After Jared is gone, I look back at John.

It's like I look into a mirror because his face describes exactly how I feel.

Confused with that kiss. Embarrassed for and because of Jared.

And I think we share the knowledge that what we just did, which Jared just so perfect-timing-ly interrupted, was wrong for some reasons.

Those reasons, we don't know.

I've made Kennedy swear that he is to tell no one what he knows about me and John, even though it's pretty mandatory that secrets like the ones I've shared with him are to be kept as they are: secrets.

So I'm pretty excited to see what he comes up with when Jared asks him.

"You're dreaming, John." I say sweetly, walking back over to him. I'm going to make him forget this.

"Really?" he asks, pretty much dazed.

"Yeah," I reply, putting my palm on his cheek as I kneel down to his side. "This is all just a crazy dream."

"You seem pretty real to me," he says.

"The real Riannon wouldn't kiss you like this," I state as I kiss him again. "And the real Jared wouldn't care."

He nods, convincing himself. "Of course, the real Riannon Jones wouldn't have stayed with me. I'm a dick. All the more, slept with me when I asked her to. Fuck,"

"She hates you." I say. "She hates you so much, John."

"I would hate me too if I were her."

"But you don't understand."

"I'm trying not to hurt her." John says. "Riannon Jones. She's a special little snowflake, that girl."

"What do you mean,"

"I didn't sleep with her just because she was pretty. No. Pretty's just.. Part.. Of the things.. She's done that.. Well.. Amazed me."

Sounds oddly familiar.

"Oh my God, I wrote it for her."

"Wrote what?"

"That song.. The one that.. That goes.. Can't stop, won't stop,"

"I Must Be Dreaming." I finish.

"That one! Not the only song I wrote about her, though," John turns his back to me.

I shake my head. "I'll let you dream about something else now," I say. I kiss his cheek and start going off. I walk backwards to make sure he falls back asleep.

I feel a body against the rear of my own. This makes me turn around.

Relief sweeps over me. "Ken,"

"John's at his most vulnerable when he's half asleep and hungover. Have I told you that?"

"I just figured it out." I mutter.

John was hungover. I'm so used to expecting the taste of alcohol every time he kisses me.

Does he even drink water?

"Jared's freaking out." Kennedy tells me.

"What?"

"He said you two were sleeping together."

"What--"

"Were you?"

"Were we what?"

"Sleeping together?"

"Sort of."

"Exactly what did Jared see?"

"I was.. Sleeping with him. And we kissed."

Kennedy sighs.

"What did you tell Jared?"

"Nothing, he just figured out after a second that he shouldn't care, that it's none of his business, as usual." Kennedy tells me. "Typical Jared."

I take a deep breath. "You know word about John and me can't get out to anyone outside you and me, right?"

He nods. "And I promise not to say anything until and unless you give me the authority to do so." he says as he marks a cross on his chest with index finger.

"You should know that Garrett found out about this a couple of days ago."

"How much does he know?"

"Practically everything."

"But does he know that he's gotta be quiet?"

"Yup."

He purses his lips. "Can you list out exactly who you don't want this information leaked to?"

"Everyone else except those who already know. Just.."

"I understand."

"I wanna go home," I say and let myself fall into his arms.

"Sorry you're in this mess." he says as he hugs me tightly.

"Me too."

"Are you sure you don't want to tell Nick?" he asks as he pulls away.

"Tell him what?"

"About John. Iann, he's your best friend."

"I know, but.."

"But what?"

"If I told him about John, I'd have to tell him so much more and.. It's just complicated right now, Kennedy. I just need some time to figure this shit out."

After I said that, we both become silent. But his silence must mean something. Because now he can't even look me in the eye.

Then the feeling of selfishness slaps me with guilt. "Kennedy, I'm sorry you're in this mess."

"I'm glad to be helping you. You know that." Kennedy quietly continues. "It's just really hard to buy you some time because it causes so much suspicion."

"I know. I'm sorry. And I do want to tell Nick. Now's just not the right time." I toss hair out of his face. "I am so sorry."

"It's fine, we're not getting in trouble." He leans over and kisses my forehead.

"Yet." I finish as he pulls away.

"I'll see you later." he says after shrugging what I had just said off. Then he walks away.

I heave a big sigh and walk into the back lounge again. I sit next to Jay and toss hair out of his face like I just did to Kennedy. "At least you can sleep alone."

Sleep alone.

No, he can't. Jay doesn't sleep alone. Someone is always watching him. Or at least sleeping in the same perimeter with him. When he was a clueless baby, I watched him from right beside his crib. I slept on the rocking chair I set up there. When he outgrew his crib, I got it thrown into a junk yard and had him sleep next to me in my bed. And whenever I had to, I left Justin or Andrew or Halvo or Nick to babysit him. And I'm sure he was never left alone when he slept.

I'm bothered. Not just with the thoughts about John. Not just with what I just talked with Kennedy about. About something else. And it takes just a 2-second trip back in my head to what I've seen when John took me here for me to realize what is actually causing the slow anxiety rising up in my chest.

I remember running things through my field of vision. And I remember spotting Jay, asleep over there. Opposite John..

Jay was sleeping alone.

I gulp and start brisking my way out of the lounge, not sure who I'm going to approach about this. I find Kennedy immediately in the bunk area. So he's the first I ask about it. "Uh, did.. Did anyone watch Jay last night?"

"Nick said he'd watch him," he answers casually. "John said he'd do it but--"

"Nick? Nick was supposed to be watching him last night?"

"Yeah. I mean, John said he'd do it but Nick--"

"But he was sleeping alone when I got there."

"He was? You mean Nick left him?"

"I don't know." I suck in my lips and look down, just thinking.

Nick would've taken that as his responsibility. He wouldn't have just blown it off. Not Jay. Never Jay.

"Why don't you go ask him about it? He's with everyone else in the front lounge." Kennedy says.

"Yeah, maybe I will," I set myself onward as Kennedy stays and folds his blanket.

I am about to enter the kitchen when I hear Dani's exasperated voice. I see she's with Jared. "You saw John and Iann doing what?!"

Oh fuck, not now.