I'm Anything You Want Me To Be.

Haven't you ever experienced this kind of thing before? I mean.. Not my entire story. Not the whole twin sister leaves for college, parents are dead, boy you slept with is with you and you're acting like you don't know a thing.. Not that. But haven't you ever experienced it when the most shallow things start piling up? When even the smallest things start clustering up and force you to deal with whatever shit's going on?

It's like the world, everyone in it, starts ganging up on you. As if you don't deserve to be happy? As if you don't deserve peace of mind, at least.

Right now, that's how I feel. First of all, I just almost made out with John again. Second, Jared caught us. Third, Jay was sleeping alone. Fourth, it was Nick's responsibility to watch him. Fifth, Jared's talking to Dani about what he saw. Now.

"I don't know.. I was just.. Thinking maybe you.." Jared cuts himself off when he spots me from the corner of his eye. "Never mind."

"No, Jared. What did you see?"

He glances at me before answering Dani. "Maybe I was just seeing things.. Forget I even said anything."

"Jared.."

"Just forget about it, Dani." Jared chuckles. "Go hang out in the front lounge, I'll finish this."

"Okay," Dani mumbles But I know curiosity is taking over her brain. Not good. She exits.

I take a deep breath and watch Jared lay his eyes on me. I have no idea what to tell him.

There is no denying that he saw what he saw. And what he saw was me and John kissing. So I don't know if I should say anything at all.

"I just saved your ass, Iann." he huffs jokingly.

"Took the words right out of my mouth," I reply.

"What's going on?" Jared raises an eyebrow at me.

"It's a long.. Complicated.. Unbelievable story."

"I ain't much of a skeptic," He grins.

I scratch the back of my head as I watch him stir something in a stove with a wooden spoon.

We just stand here for a minute. Quietly.

"You have history with John, don't you?" Jared asks, breaking the silence.

"History. Noun. A past notable for its important, unusual, or interesting events." I recite in the format of a dictionary entry.

Jared turns the mini stove off. "Seriously."

"Seriously." I repeat.

"John's mentioned a couple of things about you when this leg of the tour started."

My eyebrows crease at this statement. "What?"

"How do you know John?" he asks irrelevantly.

"I'm on this bus, am I not?"

"How did you know John before this tour?"

"I didn't."

"Liar." Jared jokingly accuses. But he accuses nonetheless. "What's up with you two?"

"Nothing," I reply calmly. It's hard to stay calm though, I've been complacent every time I thought about Jared and this issue because Kennedy has taught me about him. About the way he doesn't fuck with things that don't involve him.

"Seriously." He puts a lid on the pot and faces me as he says it again.

Our eyes meet for a second then I break it off.

I absorb what I learned from his eyes and process it in my head quickly.

Yes, Jared doesn't fuck around with these things. Not on a usual basis, anyway. He didn't have that intensity Garrett had when he confronted me about John. Which means Jared is almost clueless. He has no idea.

Other than the idea that was put in his head by my kiss with John, his mind is blank. And with how I'm acting, I know I'm giving him ideas.

"What are you thinking now?" I ask straightforwardly.

"That you're in too much denial. And you're so nervous."

"Fine. I give up." As I said this, I couldn't believe I'm roping Jared into this mess. And I do give up. Trying to actually deny it would get me in more trouble. And if you haven't noticed, I am already in too much.

"So you do have history with John!" Jared exclaims.

"Sh!" I quiet him down. "Yes. But can we please be quiet about it?"

"Were you his ex?"

"Ex?"

"Ex-girlfriend." Jared throws the guess, but I'm sure he doubts it.

And he's not wrong to doubt it. "Ex-girlfriend. Me. John? No.."

"Didn't think so.." Jared nods.

Then I remembered the morning after my first night on the bus. How Jared had asked if we knew each other, John and me. Because we were the only ones who didn't make introductions to each other.

Jared's smarter than I think. Too bad he doesn't have Garrett's confidence. If he did, he would've found out about this shit sooner.

Ex-girlfriend. We could only wish.

"How do you know John then?" Jared asks, curiously this time. In a non-prying tone.

"Some party." I reply, my voice starts to slowly convert what I'm feeling into a verbalized tune. "Just.. Some party."

"When was it?"

"Around.. Spring Seven or Eight."

Then that intensity I found nowhere fills his eyes now. "Spring Eight?" he repeats.

"Spring two thousand and eight, yeah. I think that's when Dani went to college so--"

"Spring Eight."

"What's with spring o'eight?" I find that I'm the one asking now.

"That was when we went into recording for the first record."

"So?" How is when they went into recording relevant to that party? At all? How is that related to me?

"And Jay's your kid, and he's John's." Jared says quickly. "Isn't he?"

"What?" Now I'm just confused at how he figured that out with what he just told me he knows. How could he have drawn that conclusion from me simply telling him the not-even-exact date of that party?

"John--"

"Jared!"

Jared turns away from me when we hear Garrett's annoying voice. "What is he yelling about now,"

"YouTube is fucking up!"

Jared glances at me as he starts exiting. "We'll talk later, okay?"

"Wait,"

This slows him down a little. "Yeah?"

"It's a secret." I say.

"Yeah, I know. Won't tell a soul. I'll talk to you later." He shrugs as he takes off.

Seriously, don't I deserve any peace of mind?