I'm Anything You Want Me To Be.

I'm completely flustered right now with how everything is going down. I wasn't ready for any of this.

This isn't what I fucking signed up for.

I was supposed to just tour with Nick and Halvo and Justin and Andrew. Why the fuck is everything else messing with me like this?

I never expected this. Hence, I've never mustered up the common sense to actually prepare myself.

I trusted Kennedy. He was the first one to find out about the entire thing. Then Garrett solved it, and I was forced by fate to tell Jared. It's not so bad. They all know how to keep quiet.

Then I think about Nick. My best friend. He knows nothing about this, absolutely nothing. And I feel like I can't tell him. It's so fucked because.. Well, he's my best friend! And he should've been the first one I ran to when this trouble ran into me. But he wasn't.

And how about Halvo and Justin and Andrew? Aren't they my best friends too? Being with them is the entire reason I agreed to go on this stupid tour.

It makes me so guilty how they aren't the ones I've told my secrets to.

Why Kennedy, why Garrett, and why Jared? Why not Halvo? Why not Justin? Why not Andrew?

I feel like I'm betraying my best friends one way or another.

Now I can't fall asleep.

Everyone else is asleep. Of course, they found something to tire themselves with which was playing the shows.

I look at my hyperactive kid who's doing better than I am in the field of dozing off.

Jared and I didn't talk. It's not that we didn't want to. Things just got in the way. I don't know, we both got busy with things and didn't get the chance to talk.

And now I'm being contemplative about telling Halvo and the others what Kennedy and the others know.

It just doesn't seem fair.

I groan because I can't make up my mind.

I have to tell them.

But I can't.

Heck, I haven't even said it to John straight, and he's the one directly involved.

I need to get this out of my mind. But the bus is moving, and smoking in here is out of the question. So nicotine has to be crossed out. That leaves me with a list of nothing.

I have to live with this in my head until I find something to distract myself with. But I don't have the attention span of a goldfish. It's hard for me to get distracted.

But how would they react if they found out that it was John?

They knew I got pregnant out of date and too early. What they didn't know was who the guy I had sex with was or when.

When Nick took me home that morning, he stayed till I've regained composure. And when I have, I told him that I just slept with someone I didn't know.

And he got so angry at him, even though I never did tell him who he was. He said that if he ever found the guy who left me, he was going to make sure he got what he deserved. "Or at least a punch in the face." Nick joked.

But what would happen if I spill the beans about how it was John? It would just get complicated because they're good friends with John and if I tell them, it might just get us all in some kind of trouble.

I give in to myself and get up. I'll look for something else to think about, something else to occupy myself with. If I don't find anything, I'll.. I'll figure this thing out.

I take my hair out of my face and exit the back lounge into the bunk area.

Here I see Dani on the floor talking to Garrett. Garrett's in his bunk, I guess he's getting ready to go to sleep later than everyone else. And the look Dani has on her face tells me she has no plan of sleeping anytime soon.

"Yeah." Dani nods at Garrett. "I will. Good night."

Garrett pulls her over and kisses her cheek.

The smile on Dani's face. I can't help not.. Just.. Being happy. Because of the smile on her face.

She gets up as Garrett closes his bunk curtain and glances at me. She tries to force the smile off.

But I smile back at her, and the strangest thing happens: She just smiles again.

Then she goes off, and I follow her.

She stops at the kitchen and gets herself a bottle of water while I go on into the front lounge.

Here I see her camera, her laptop (which has been around since forever), pieces of bond paper and pencils.

I walk over to her work area and see that one of the pieces of paper isn't blank.

I brush the other pieces of paper off and pick the one that wasn't blank up. I take a good look at it. It's when I see the pencil again that I realize she's drawn this.

It takes me a second to put together the concept. This is Garrett holding his camera in front of his face, his eye at the hole where he could see through the shutter.

"Hey."

I put the paper down and turn around to see Dani with a slightly embarrassed look on her face. But she shouldn't be embarrassed. "Did you draw that?"

She shyly nods and takes the papers. She starts putting them away in this file case, but I stop her.

"It's great." I comment.

She doesn't say thanks or acknowledge it as she puts the paper in the case.

"Can I see those?" I ask hesitantly.

She's just as hesitant as her eyes dart from me to her case over and over. Then she just gives a small shrug and hands me the case. Then she sits down and gets on her laptop.

I sit across her at the booth and take some of the papers out. I pulled out around 10 and all of them are similarly styled pencil sketches of other things. "These are cool!" I say as I take a look at each one.

Random things. I can see she drew her Converse-sporting feet. She also drew what I'm guessing is the view from behind a window during a rainy day. Then there's a self portrait of herself in a funky dress I have no idea what she wore to.

"Thanks," she replies quietly. "I also took an art elective in college because I could."

"Well these are really nice."

"Thanks." she says again.

I start putting them back in the case one by one when one of them falls out. I finish keeping them then I bend over to retrieve the one that fell. "I wish I--" I'm caught speechless when the drawing occupies my fingers and enters my vision. "Is this us?" I blurt out after staring at the sketch of two kids whose arms are over each others' shoulders.

"What?" she mumbles as she keeps her attention to her laptop.

"This?" I face the drawing to her.

She nonchalantly nods after glancing.

I check the signature she had at the bottom. There was also a date. Three months after she left for college.

"It was our first plate. We were assigned to draw anything we wanted. We just had to make sure we wanted it bad."

"You wanted to draw us?"

"Yeah, it was our first plate so it looks a little.. Weird. I patterned it off the picture of us when we were like five or something."

"Where'd you get the picture?"

"I took an entire photo album of us to college,"

"What?"

"You threw the album in my face when I was leaving, don't act like you don't remember that." she casually reminds.

I did. I did throw that album in her face. I was so upset and it was in the car. I remember. But "You remember that?" I ask.

"Well you don't forget the last moment you have with whoever you're going to have missed the most in college."

"And how was college, Daniella?"

"Pretty great, Riannon. Minus the part that you weren't there with me, it was tons of fun."

I don't say anything in reply to this.

But she continues. "Of course, my definition of fun wasn't always the generic one. My definition of fun was being alone and listening to some music, sitting in a corner and doing coursework on my lap. Having no one to talk to and staying what they called college-idle in my dorm was my definition of fun. So thanks for asking, Iann, college was really fun." She glances up at me. "And how were you? What have you been up to?"

"Not a lot," I lie immediately before the thoughts of John and Nick and Jay even enter my mind. "I haven't been up to much."

She does a skeptical nod.

And I read her too quickly; I know she's about to ask about what Jared had mentioned to her earlier today so I cut her off before she starts. "I met Nick. That's a pretty big deal."

"Oh yeah." She withdraws that curiosity she'd put out when she was to ask about what Jared said, then replaces it with a new kind of curiosity. "Nick. Tell me about him,"

"Well, along with Halvo and Justin and Andrew, he's been company to me all that time. They're my best friends,"

Or are they? Because the shit I don't plan on telling Dani, I don't plan on telling them either.

"They're nice." Dani says. "How about John?"

I feel my heart skip a beat at the mention of his name. I would take it from anyone, just not Dani. "Wh.. What about John?" I sputter.

"John." she repeats. "Tell me about John."

But what the hell do I know about John?

And why is she asking? In actuality, I do know why. She's suspicious. And I really shouldn't wonder, but it's completely different when it's Dani asking about it. If it were Jared, I would understand.

But it's Dani. And this is completely frustrating.

I don't take long before replying. "John? He's.. Uh.. He's been nothing but nice to me since tour started.." I decide to say. "He's.. A pretty.. Chill.. Chill dude."

"Yeah, what do you think of him?" Dani asks.

I spot the way she eyes me.

Suspicious. Demanding. Curious.

"I think he's cool. And I think no one would want him near any fire because of all the alcohol he consumes."

Dani laughs. "Garrett said the exact same thing!"

I laugh along for a while, buying myself some time to think just in case Dani reverts back to John as the topic. All the while, though, the only thing I can say in my head is "Let's not talk about John."

"Speaking of Garrett, how about him?"

"Huh?"

"What do you think of Garrett?" Different intention. That's what she's got upon asking me this question unlike the question about John. Curious as well, yes, but this time I know she's.. Innocently curious, not maliciously.

"I think he's a rad dude."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah!" I cheer. "We've talked a couple of times. Might be too soon to say, but he is one of the best dudes I know. He's funny, too. And he knows what he's talking about. He's perfect."

She glances at me again and that split second our eyes meet is enough for me to realize what I'm making her think.

I wouldn't steal Garrett. I would never. And I have never stolen anyone from Dani. I have chased a couple of guys away with my interrogations, and Dani never found out why they left, but I would never steal anyone from her.

They may be douchebags but if they could make Dani happy the way I couldn't, then I was fine with it. I didn't and would never steal anyone away from her.

"For you." I revise. "He's perfect for you."

A blush creeps up on her freckled face. She catches herself and immediately cuts it out.

"Anyway, why aren't you asleep?" I wonder as I take her camera from the table. "It's a quarter to midnight."

"Well," she starts, then I know she's going to say that she was about to ask me the same thing. Typical. But instead, she goes with "Sleep just doesn't feel right for now."

"How does sleep ever not feel right?"

She shrugs. "I don't know."

"Sleep is important for a photographer like yourself,"

"That's what John said."

"Well, John's always right."

"That's what Kennedy said."

"Kennedy knows what he's saying--"

"And that's what Jared said." Dani counters something I've said about one of the boys for the nth time. "Have you met any of them before tour?"

"Nah," I reply casually. "What makes you think that?"

"You seem to click with the guys." she shrugs again.

"Perks of hanging around with Nick and Halvo and Justin and Andrew all the time,"

"Justin and Andrew are really nice."

"Yeah, they are probably the nicest guys you will ever meet." I say. "You can talk to them about anything."

"I know." she answers to my surprise.

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing,"

The way she shakes her head. She means something, alright. She's had a more than casual conversation with Andrew and Justin. I can conclude that.

"What?" I insist.

"We've talked before, you're right. I can talk to them about anything." she mumbles, now making it a point to keep her eyes glued on her laptop screen.

Then it hits me when I say the words. "You guys talked about me."

I catch her glance at my reaction, but she immediately prevents making any eye contact with me.

"What the fuck did they tell you?" I ask a little harshly.

"They told me how you've been." is all she says.

"What did they say?!"

"Why are you getting angry?!"

I have no idea.

"What's wrong, Riannon?! Is there something they know that you don't want them to tell me?!"

Now I know. My brain converted nervousness into anger because of the pressure. "No!" I spit.

"Liar!"

"Excuse me?!"

"You're lying! There is something they know that I don't!"

"Don't call me a liar!"

"But you are a liar! And you're always keeping secrets, and you never tell me anything! You're always lying and you're-- God, Riannon, it's so hard to get in your head--"

"How the fuck would you know, Daniella, you never tried--"

"God knows I tried, Iann, God knows I tried to get in your head! I want to be there for you! I wanted to be there for you! When Dad died, you have no idea how much I wanted to just.. Be there for you! You were hurting yourself--"

"Me?! Hurting myself?! Excuse--"

"Yes, you were hurting yourself! You think I didn't know?! You think I didn't notice how you would always wear jackets and sweaters to cover up your arms?! You think I didn't see the heaps of foundation you put over your bruises? You think I didn't see the cuts?! Iann, I--"

"I wasn't hurting myself, you bitch! God, I hate how you think you know me!"

"Then explain the cuts--"

"Mom!" I cut her off. Realizing I've screamed that in her face, I quiet myself down. "Mom did it." I admit.

All the anger that we've been poisoning each other with through the words tone themselves down as abruptly as it erupted. It's crazy how an argument can just spoof out of nowhere between us. But I'm sure this isn't over yet.

Dani's mouth is now hanging open in shock. "N.. No.. She.. She couldn't.. She wouldn't.. She'd.. She would never.. You're--"

"She did--"

"You're lying!" Dani screams. And just like that, it's like there was never a pause in this fight. It's as if this fight's been happening forever.

It feels that way. Because of this topic. How dare she think I'm lying.

"I am not lying!" I scream back. "Mom wanted to fucking kill me, Daniella, she wished I died along with Dad-- Heck, she wished it was me instead of Dad! She blamed me, she hurt me and she wanted me to fucking die, Daniella, don't you dare call me a liar this time!"

We're both on the edge of tears.

I never wanted to talk to Dani about this. I never wanted her to find out that the woman she looked up to was hurting her sister. I never wanted this to happen. So tears are in my eyes. And I'm about to cry.

I don't know what her excuse is.

As she spat the word "Liar!" over and over in my face, I'd completely gone vulnerable. Now I'm on the ground because Dani just hit me. Hard. She grabbed my hair and smacked my face.

I was taught to fight back in therapy. In that short 3 months of detoxification, I was taught not to let anyone hurt me this way, the way Mom did. And I know how to fight back.

But this is Dani. And I've hurt her once, and I swore to myself, even just subconsciously, that I would never hurt her again.

It took that palm to my cheek for me to lose all the will to fight back, or stay strong, or defend myself. And I end up on the edge of a breakdown, on my knees, with Dani looking away.

I know how to fight back! I just have to pull her down, or get myself up, and hit her somewhere I know will weaken her for a second, but won't do any lethal damage. I know how! But I can't.

It's not Dani now, it's Mom. It's remembering how she hurt me, the hurt in her eyes.

I start to literally sob and Dani stands there. It's as if she's contemplating on whether she will hurt me some more or not.

I hate to appear weak to her, but what's the point? I am weak. And it took just a mere slap on my face to realize that I'm never going to get over my mom hurting me, and that I'm never going to be strong enough.

"Iann.."

"Get away from me." I say as I start to get up. I have around 60 seconds before my emotions completely collapse and give out.

"Iann--"

"I hate you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you." I growl, swiping off my tears before they continue to flood my face. "Don't speak to me. I wish you weren't my sister."

I look at the clock before I make my way to the bunk area. More than anything, I wanted to be with Nick.

I have no idea what the clock read, my tears had hindered my clear vision. But the blurry image of the short hand told me I had started the day completely terribly.

Day 13.