I'm Anything You Want Me To Be.

Before I'm able to leave this area, I hear Garrett's voice. "Pat?"

I stop, and I glance back at Dani.

She's drifted. She's.. It's like she isn't even there anymore. She's standing there, looking down at her feet. I have no idea what she's feeling. Frankly, I don't care.

I think about how foolish I was to consider not hating her. She hates the fuck out of me, what makes it wrong for me to feel the same way about her?

She has too much of our mom in her. And it scares me. And it hurts me. And I just don't think I can take it.

"Pat, what are you doing up?" Garrett's soft voice echoes through.

"N.. Nothing," Pat replies.

"Are you okay?"

"Just fine," Pat says. "I just.. Went for a drink. I'm going back to my bunk now, night, Gare. You go back to sleep soon too."

"Yeah, okay."

"Night."

I look at Dani again who's now quietly crying. And I am so mad. Why is she the one crying? The last time I checked, it wasn't her that got beat up by my technically crazy mom. The last time I checked, she didn't want any of the truth for me. No, the last time I checked, she didn't need me.

And now she's crying over truth she doesn't even want to believe. She makes no sense.

She's stupid, and she's stupid.. And she's stupid. The one thing she isn't? My sister. She isn't my sister, she isn't the girl who left me for college anymore. Hell, she isn't even the girl I wore a matching black dress to either Mom or Dad's funeral.

She's left me way before college. She's left me the moment Mom died.

And here she comes, strolling in, telling me she wanted to be there for me. Telling me she wants to be there for me. But in actuality, all she's actually doing is pushing me away.

She doesn't want to be there for me. And I don't know what she wants anymore. She's just been spitting lies.

Fine, we'll just lie to each other. Not tell each other anything. That's how she thinks we've been living anyway, right? Then fine. We'll just keep going like this till one of us goes away, or dies and we won't ever have to see each other again after this.

"Guys?"

I don't see Dani but I know her head shoots towards Garrett's direction as well.

Dani can't speak.

So I do it. "Hey, Garrett."

"Are things okay here, or--"

"Yeah, yeah." I sigh, and pathetically fake a giggle. I start completely walking out. "And tell Pat we're sorry for waking him up."

"He's just a real light sleeper," Garrett tells me. "Are you alright?"

"Perfect." I mumble, using my jacket sleeve to erase the massive markings the tears have left (and are still leaving) on my face. "Good night."

Garrett pouts and lets me go. Besides, he's gotta be there for Dani now. And really, it doesn't concern me because I know I won't be there for Dani anymore.

I'm in the bunk area now. But I only end up crying, and crying hard. Because now I can't remember which bunk is Nick's, and I know calling for him will wake someone up. I don't want to wake anyone up.

So I just get in my bunk. I try to hold my tears in so I can fall asleep.

And maybe.. Maybe I'll tell Nick about it in the morning.

"Iann?"

Pat is in the bunk above mine. I forget sometimes. "Yeah?" I respond.

"You know," he says. "It's okay to cry."

This makes me laugh. "I.. I know. I'm sorry we woke you up."

"I'm just a light sleeper."

"That's what Garrett said."

"It's true. Don't think you woke me up."

"Did you hear us?"

"I have big ears."

"That's a yes?"

"Yeah."

"Sorry you had to hear it then." I roll over to face the wall of my bunk.

"It's okay, me and Tim fight sometimes too,"

"Tim's your brother," I conclude.

"Yeah. And Garrett and Trey sometimes fight,"

"Trey's Garrett's brother."

"Yeah. And sometimes John fights with Ross or Shane,"

"Little brothers?"

"Yeah."

"Well what's your point?"

"Nothing, sometimes we just fight over pointless things. Then we actually can't stand to be mad at each other."

"Dani can stand it pretty well." I mutter.

"But can you?"

I think about this.

How is Pat saying these things? He's not as dumb as Garrett made him sound to me.

"I don't know." I answer. "I'll try to stand it, she doesn't want anything to do with me."

"She's still your sister."

"Not anymore." I reply, taking into account all I've been thinking before Pat started talking to me. I shake everything he has said off. "Pat, go to sleep. Sorry for keeping you up."

He doesn't reply. He's accepted that I don't wanna talk, I'm guessing.

And the truth is I don't want to talk to him. Not to anyone. But I know I need to.

I force my eyes closed, also forcing myself into the mindset that this could wait till morning.

I'm not important, after all.

And I'm able to force myself to go to sleep.

I'm awoken by another bad dream. It seems I'm always having bad dreams when I sleep in my bunk. I woke up crying, and now I'm crying harder, but I tell myself to forget about it. I don't want to have to talk to Nick while I'm breaking down like this. I have to be composed. I owe him at least that after keeping this a secret from him.

I heave a sigh each time I draw a breath as I crawl out of my bunk. I discover everyone else is awake because all the bunks are empty.

I walk through the kitchen and into the front lounge where I find Nick holding Jay.

Nick turns around and sees me. "Hey." He puts Jay down and kisses my forehead.

"Nick, I gotta talk to you about something.." I mumble nervously. I pull back and wait for him to reply.

But he doesn't.

I look around and see Halvo, Justin and Andrew on the couch. They look fidgety, and I don't know why I didn't realize the worried look Nick shared with all of them. "Where's everyone else? What's going on," I ask.

Nick looks over to the 3 of them on the couch. Realizing none of them were going to give me an answer, he does it himself. "Dani's missing."

I don't mean to but I start laughing.

"Iann, what's so funny about this?" Nick questions with concern.

"What's funny," I cut my giggles off and sit down in one of the booths. "Is that I almost cared."

"Almost cared-- Iann, what?" he sits down right next to me. "Dani's missing."

"What do you mean missing?" I dumbly ask anyway.

"She wasn't anywhere when we woke up. The bus made a stop early because we're already in the venue perimeter and Dani wasn't anywhere when we woke up." he explains.

"Ask Garrett, he was with her last night--"

"Exactly. Garrett fell asleep with Dani out here and when he woke up she was gone."

"Why is this supposed to concern me?"

"She's your sister, Iann--"

"No, Nick! You out of everyone should know that I don't have a sister!"

"See, this is what Pat said! He was the first one to wake up and saw that Dani was missing! And everyone started to board off the bus to look for her and Pat said that something happened last night!"

I start crying again because Nick was yelling at me. I could only imagine what would happen if he tried to hurt me, if he could do what Dani did to me. And the tears start flowing no matter how hard I try to choke them back.

"Iann, I'm sorry I yelled at you.."

I shake my head. "I'm sorry for yelling at you."

It's not that I'm actually sorry, or that either one of us owed the other an apology. It's just I'm sure that neither of us want to bicker at all. And we've never really fought. And now just isn't the right time to try it. So I stop it while I can.

I suck up whatever I'm feeling and just go on. "That's what I needed to talk to you about."

"Well let's talk about it then," Nick rubs his palm on my back gently to sooth me. "If you can.."

I'm feeling capable of controlling my emotions right now, so I just nod.

Nick waves Halvo and the rest over.

Now I'm surrounded by my best friends. And I feel so far from lonely all of a sudden.

It's the look they all have on their faces. The willingness to listen, the understanding, the cooperation..

This is why they're my best friends. This is why they're my best friends.

"I hate Dani." is the introduction I use.

None of them say anything to interrupt. They just wait for me to continue.

They'll respect me and what I have to say. They'll wait for me to finish before they add their own comments.

And before I find anything else to say about Dani, I burst out crying again saying "I'm sorry."

"Hey, come on." Andrew reaches over to me and holds my wet face in his hands. "It's okay, it's okay. It's really okay. You know you can tell us anything."

"That's why I'm crying,"

"Hun," Justin jokingly calls. "It's okay. Come on,"

"I'm just sorry.." I sob. "You guys are my best friends and.. And.."

"There there," Nick continues rubbing my back. He acts so differently when it's not just the two of us. But it's not the focal point of concern right now.

"I should've told you guys, I'm so sorry--"

"What is it?" Andrew keeps wiping off my tears. "Come on."

"Dani. She was asking me how I was after she told me about college and then we started fighting and we were yelling and then I mentioned Mom and she hit me,"

"Dani hit you?"

"She slapped me, I know I shouldn't have gotten so upset because I would have hit her too but she.." My whimpers get harder to control at this point. "I should've told you guys from the start, I'm so sorry--"

"Hey, hey!" Andrew, who has been sitting across us, jumps over the table, so now he's next to me. "We're here for you, it's alright."

Nick has surrendered me to Andrew so now I'm just crying into Andrew's chest. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I should've told you from the start, I'm sorry--"

"Just say it, Iann, we're all here for you."

"Dani. She.. She got mad at me last night because I told her the truth..."

"What truth?"

"My dad died in a car crash, he was driving and we crashed and my mom blamed me for it because I was Daddy's girl and Dani thought I was hurting myself in high school.."

"Were you?" Andrew quietly asks, combing my hair with his fingers. "Were you hurting yourself?"

"No.." I gulped. "No, Andrew, I wouldn't hurt myself and I know it's easy for you to believe that I was hurting myself but I wasn't.. Dani thought I was and when I told her the truth, she got so mad.."

"What's the truth? Iann, what did Dani get so mad about?"

I find it completely impossible to say, and I am so ashamed, but I choke it out. "I.. I told her Mom was.. Hurting me."

"Your mom was hurting you?!"

"She always hit me and she was always pulling my hair and she would point a knife at me all the time.. Andrew, I'm sorry. I should've told you guys, I should've but.."

"Iann," Suddenly, he's all protective and he locks me in his arms as if he's protecting me from everything, shielding me from any fucking thing that could hurt me. "Iann.."

"When I told Dani, she wouldn't believe me. She kept calling me a liar, and we were just yelling at each other then.. Then.."

"Then what? She hurt you?"

I just nod.

"Iann.." Andrew holds me tighter, and the feeling of comfort he's making sure I get is overwhelming and I only end up crying harder.

"I'm sorry, I should've told you guys, I'm sorry.."

"Iann, it's okay, you have nothing to be sorry about." Andrew mumbles. "It's okay. What's important is you're telling us now, and we're still here for you."

I just nod again.

"Iann, it's okay." Andrew says for the nth time. "It's okay. Shh,"

I try to stop crying now. 1, because there is nothing to cry about. 2, because they don't deserve to see me like this. 3, because they're still my best friends.

"Okay," Andrew pulls back after the minute I took to calm myself down. "Iann, we need you to tell us where Dani is."

"I don't.. I don't know where she is.."

"Everyone is worried as fuck, Iann.. We need you to try to find her. She left all of her things here, her phone is in her bunk so attempting to call her would be a waste." Justin says, reaching over and holding my hand. "She didn't leave any means of contact."

I can tell Justin's sorry for bringing it up, knowing that I had just practically poured my heart out. And he half-smiles, and attempts to make me feel any better.

Andrew turns to me and kisses my forehead. "Let's go help the guys find Dani, okay?"

They all convince me to go.

Now we're outside the bus.

"Where did Garrett and the others go?" I ask.

"They went in the venue to look for her." Halvo answers.

"Okay." I spin on my heel and start walking away from the bus, to a busy park many blocks away.

"Where are you going?"

"We should probably split up." I suggest.

"No, I'll come with you."

I turn around and see Andrew quickening his pace to catch up with me. I smile at him and take his hand, and we walk off, telling Halvo and Nick and Justin to think of anywhere else Dani could be.

"Where do you think Dani is?"

My breaths are still at uneven lengths because of crying, but I deal with it and answer. "Somewhere she could get fresh air."

"How do you know?"

"I just do," I shrug.

He nods. "Look, Iann, what you said earlier.."

"Yeah?"

"It's okay. You weren't supposed to be sorry for not telling us. We get it."

"You do?"

"Well, when you meet someone new, My mom tried to kill me. isn't really the best first thing to say."

"You're crazy," I reply with a laugh.

He shrugs this time. "We're all crazy. But I'm not kidding when I say we're always going to be there for you. You know?"

I turn to smile at him. "Thanks. You have no idea how much that means to me."

"You have no idea how much you mean to us." he simply replies. "Look, we--"

"Dani!" Andrew was cut off by John's voice. John's loud, stupid voice. I know I'm not being called for.

Before I'm even aware, I've started running to the general direction of where I heard it.