I'm Anything You Want Me To Be.

"Good morning, baby blue eyes."

I blink over and over till his image registers in my head. "Back at you, Garrett." His voice was enough though. "What time is it?"

"It's six in the morning. You practically passed out last night when we came back from the show. You're exhausted. Are you okay?" Garrett crosses his legs after he sits down next to me.

I nod. "Why are you up?"

"No reason, I just.. Woke up."

"Okay,"

"Jay's in the back lounge." Garrett informs me.

"Is he alone?"

"No."

"Who watched him?" I ask as I yawn, realizing I had a blanket on me.

"Same guy who made sure you weren't going to sleep through the cold." he casually answers, continuing scrolling through a camera. Dani's, probably.

"Let me guess," I roll my eyes as I recognize the blanket. "John?"

"John." he confirms. "But let's not talk about John. It's a nice morning."

"I don't want to talk about Dani--"

He cuts me off. "I know. I wouldn't make you talk to me about Dani if you don't want to."

"Then what do you want to talk about?"

"Nick." Garrett says.

Of course, it only takes his name to remind me exactly what I fell asleep thinking about. Why I was so exhausted mentally. Sleep was the only way to shut the thoughts off (minus the dreams which I don't remember now) so..

"What about Nick?" I ask.

"Are you sure you two are just friends? I know you get it a lot. And I know it's really none of my business, but you know that song--"

"Baby Blue Eyes, I know." I stop him from continuing. Even though I am almost sure it's about me, I deny it. "Not about me. Nick wouldn't write about me."

"Did he write it about you or did he write it for you?"

"What are we talking about?!" I exclaim with a laugh. "You have blue eyes, maybe he wrote it about you!"

"Too bad I'm not a she, Iann." Garrett counters, making me sound dumb.

And I guess I was dumb to throw that at Garrett, but.. "No. Can we not talk about this--"

"You're blushing!" Garrett points out.

"Because you're so stupid!" I lie. "And if it were about me, he would've said so!"

"Maybe he didn't say so because it was so obvious!"

This is what I meant when I said Garrett was going to be a fun person to debate with.

Maybe fun is the wrong word but this sure is better than debating with myself.

Like John said, it was better not to have to be all contemplative on his own. Same goes for me, and now I realize it; Again, thanks to Garrett.

"It was about you, Iann." Garrett concludes. "I can't believe I didn't realize it sooner!"

"Talk to Andrew about it, he didn't understand till yesterday."

"Which means you've known before?"

"No.. It's just.. You called me baby blue eyes then Andrew said something about how he just realized it yesterday that my eyes were blue. So basically, both of you were onto something and I was just stuck in the middle." I decide not to continue because the last thing I need on my mind is how my best friend is writing songs about me.

"So it is about you!"

"No." I still deny it. "Can we please just.. Not.."

"Are you as into him as he's into you?" Garrett asks.

"Garrett--"

"He's in love with you--"

"Garrett--"

"You're in love with him--"

"Garrett." But this time, it's not me that cuts him off.

I have never been so happy to see Dani. It hasn't been that long since I last saw her but having her shut Garrett up relieves me.

"Dani, hey." Garrett's pulled to his feet by her presence. "Good morning. Are you feeling better?"

"Yeah." Dani mutters, more to herself than to Garrett. "I'm feeling better."

"Did something wake you up?"

"Just.. Just a bad dream." Dani mumbles. "I'm okay. Good morning. How are you?"

"I'm fine," Garrett tells Dani. "What are you doing here,"

"John was in the back lounge, I didn't want to disturb him. And I saw you weren't in your bunk so I supposed you were here,"

"Do you need to talk?"

"No, I.. I just need a hug."

Garrett quickly acts upon that and wraps his arms around her.

Then they mumble and mutter things to each other at a volume only the two of them can communicate with, and it's almost inaudible to me.

Then Dani starts crying and Garrett hushes her.

And I sit here, not knowing what she's crying about. And I won't even wonder.

Garrett's brushing Dani's hair with his fingers when I walk past him. He looks at me for a second, wondering where I'm going.

I just mouth the words "I'll be in the back lounge."

And that's where I am after the short walk. The back lounge.

Jay's awake.

John.. Not really.

I pick Jay up, then I sit next to John. I pull Jay onto my lap and kiss the back of his head. "Good morning, Jay."

He tries to mimic my greeting, ending up spitting a spoonful of nonsense out of his mouth. I take it as a greeting though.

"You're beautiful, Jay." I say after I mess up his hair.

Jay looks back at me and smiles.

I smile back.

Day 14.

I spend another minute with Jay quietly, then we hear groans. I look to my side and see John awakening.

The only reason I eloped into the back lounge is to be away from Dani.

But oddly enough I don't want to be around John either.

I'm about to exit when I feel someone tugging on the bottom of my sweater.

"Ma."

Of course, it was Jay.

Before I know it, John's watching me as I bend down to give Jay a kiss on the cheek.

I try to act as if I didn't see him though. I pretend to see him just now as I look up. "Oh, John, you're awake."

"Yeah," John wipes the sleep off his system.

"Thanks for watching him,"

"Had to make sure he wasn't alone so you wouldn't get upset."

"Didn't Nick watch him?"

"He said he would but I woke up in the middle of the night and found Jay alone in here."

"What is Nick doing," I question under my breath.

"Huh?" John asks me to repeat.

"Nothing." I reply. "Jay was alone?"

John nods. "But I watched him."

"Thank you." I say. The tone makes it sound insincere but I know it wasn't, so it doesn't really matter. I start exiting again when John calls for me.

"Iann--"

"What?!" I growl.

"Nothing." John says, avoiding upsetting me. "Good morning."

I leave John and Jay in the back lounge and make my way back to the front lounge.

Garrett and Dani are seated on one of the couches, still practically whispering to each other.

I sit as far away from them as I can.

I am in so deep. It's so crazy that it's come to me not wanting to be around anyone at all.

I guess Garrett's company is okay, but Dani needs it more than I do.

I don't even want to be with Andrew, or Justin, or Nick, or even Halvo. I don't want to be with anyone.

I want to be.. Alone.

Maybe hang around a curb with a cigarette or two.

But I can't.

Being alone isn't an option. Because now I know how everyone else in this bus reacts to finding out that someone has went off on their own.

I sigh, knowing the only place in this bus I can be alone at this hour is my bunk. And I don't want to be in my bunk.

I end up by the fridge, looking for something to drink. And yes, drink.

I find a bottle of beer but before I even close the fridge door, someone forces the bottle off my hands.

He closes the fridge after putting the bottle back. "What are you doing, baby blue eyes?"

"What are you doing, Garrett?" I huff and turn to face him, not even needing the recognition of his voice because the nickname was enough.

"You know, I asked first."

"Fine. I was getting myself something to drink because I can't whip out a cigarette in here--"

"You smoke?"

Shit.

I'm not supposed to tell anyone I smoke. But this is Garrett, and there's no use beating around the bush with him. I won't take it back. "Yes. Do you have a problem with that?"

"Well, it's kinda.."

"Kinda what?"

"Gross." Garrett straightforwardly answers. "Smoking is kinda gross."

"Which is why I don't do it in the bus," I reply almost immediately.

"And it's bad for you."

"I know."

"Fine, have your beer. Beer is kinda gross too." Garrett opens the fridge, takes the bottle back, hands it to me, gets himself a bottle of water, then he slams the door. "Get John one too, while you're at it. I can see why you two get along."

"What is that supposed to mean--"

Garrett's already stormed off.

I know smoking is kind of a turn-off (apparently) but Garrett just walked out on me. I would investigate whatever he just said, or if did something that upset him, but come on. My head is about to explode, and Garrett's fucking complicated.

I'll figure it out later.

I do take out another bottle of beer for John then I make my way back to the back lounge.

John's talking to Jay who is across the room when I get here. He stops when he sees me.

I smile at John. "I got you a beer."

He smiles back. "Cool. Thanks," he says as I hand it over to him.

I tap my bottle to his to make a clanging sound.

"Beer in the morning? Classy."

John and I turn to the entrance where Jared is now standing. I glance at John and I can tell he's also thinking about the last time either of us saw Jared where he is now. But of course, what John remembers "is a dream."

"You wanna know what's also a nice thing to drink when waking up in the morning?" Jared leans on the doorway. "Coffee. Or maybe water."

John laughs.

Jared doesn't.

"Just this once." John says after a minute of Jared just silently glaring at him.

Jared rolls his eyes then he leaves.

"What's his problem?" I ask even though I know I don't want to hear an answer.

"It's not his problem, it's mine," John says quietly. But he doesn't elaborate. "You know, some people have real problens."

"You just said problens."

"Yeah, I know."

"Problens."

"I know."

"Proble--"

John starts taking his shirt off and I almost choke on my drink.

"What are you doing?!"

He puts on this expression that just says "Calm the fuck down." He points at words on his left side. He tries to prod the word with his index finger without looking and ends up a couple of centimeters off the word "problens."

"John!" I try not to but I end up laughing. "Problens!"

"I know," John laughs along as he puts his shirt back down.

"What, was that some sort of mistake or--"

He just shrugs.

"That is terrible!"

"It's a sob story,"

"When did you get it?"

"O'nine, we just finished touring and we had like a month off before some more tours and writing the next album,"

Now he had just reminded me of that one almost confrontation between me and Jared, the one that involved spring 2008.

But I can't talk to John about this.

So instead of saying anything that involves whatever's in my head, I start swigging my drink down.

I finish my drink after a quick series of continuous gulps then I slap the bottle down.

"Riannon, are you okay?"

"Don't call me Riannon." I say and get up.

I need to get away from John. Right now.

"Now where the hell are you going--"

"Quiet, John Ohh." I glance back at him. Then I exit.

Heck, even I don't want to acknowledge why I just freaked out like that.