I'm Anything You Want Me To Be.

"Halvo, did you know?" I ask.

Halvo looks confused now because of my question, but it's not such a surprise. I didn't have anything building up to it, I just asked out of practically nowhere. "Did I know what?"

"Look, Nick hasn't talked to me all day--"

"I noticed that too! I mean, you guys already rarely talk but he was really acting strange today--"

"It's--"

"Your fault?"

I shrug.

Everyone's gone into their bunks, it's around 10 in the evening. I don't know why Halvo is still awake, but I don't wonder anymore because it's an opportunity.

"Did you know?" I ask again.

He still doesn't know what to answer, because he still doesn't know what I'm asking. I'm pretty sure he's got a couple of other ideas in mind. He waits before he throws his guess.

I don't make him wait any longer, though. "Baby Blue Eyes."

"What about it?"

"I didn't.. I didn't know Nick wrote it about me,"

I had no idea what kind of reaction from Halvo I expected, but I feel so embarrassed when the first thing he does is laugh. "You're kidding."

I shake my head.

After a minute of him cracking up and trying to stop himself from bursting into laughter, he realizes I'm serious and really knocks it off. "But you were there when we made the demo!"

"That's what Nick said,"

"Iann,"

"I--"

"Of course it was about you!"

I can't tell all of a sudden if he's mad or just plain amused that I've been so clueless. But then a new wave of curiosity takes over me. "Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why did he write about me?"

Halvo's about to spit out an answer when he obviously cuts himself off.

I've never been one to raise my voice, but ever since I got on this bus, it seems it's either this, or I say shit under my breath. It isn't normal anymore, but in actuality, what the hell is normal with my entire situation?

"I can't believe you don't know," Halvo decides to say instead.

"Well, am I the only one who doesn't know?" I quiet myself.

"You're the only one that isn't sure with what you know."

"That doesn't make sense--"

"Really?"

"What?"

"I'm tired from the show, Iann, I need to get some sleep."

"Fine," I cross my arms over my chest, now literally pissed at Halvo. And why not, I'll be pissed at Andrew, too. Because they're both putting ideas in my head that I know they won't even elaborate on.

I know I shouldn't feel even the slightest bit of detesting for them. They're my best friends, and I love them. It makes me guilty to feel this way because it's not their fault they have no idea how I've been bullshitting myself, I keep secrets from them. But somehow, amidst that knowledge, I still can't help it.

"Iann, look,"

I look up at Halvo after he gets on his feet and off the couch.

"Remember that one time Kennedy was sleeping on your lap and we were talking about that kid's instinct thing?"

"I remember that," I get on my feet and face him.

"I knew that instinct thing so well because I have it," he casually says. "I know more than you think."

This scares me for a second.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Halvo--"

"I'm sleepy--" He starts treading away after turning his back on me.

"Please--"

"Iann--"

"Eric James Halvorsen, don't you try to walk out on me."

"Okay," Halvo turns to me again. "Listen, Iann, I love you. And you're my friend. And I say this with love: That's what's wrong with you."

"What is,"

"You're--" he cuts himself off again. "You know what? Yes, Nick wrote the song about you, I absolutely can't believe you didn't know."

"I'm sorry, I didn't want to assume--"

"No. Stop." Halvo raises his palms up. "Okay? This discussion is over. Nick did write about you. You can ask him why. I know, but I can't tell you."

After he says this, he stands right in front of me. I wait for him to leave, but he doesn't. I wonder about this since he said the discussion is over.

"You can go--"

"How could you let me go?!" Suddenly, he's angry. "Iann--"

"What?"

"Oh my God, that's really all you wanted to talk about." Halvo mutters.

"What?"

"Nothing."

This entire conversation with Halvo is fucking me up, I have entirely no idea what's going on. I can't do anything to change the course of how things are going, I can't understand Halvo, I can't understand myself.

"I thought there was something else you maybe wanted to tell me about." Halvo now says.

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing."

I am so sick of this game. I just want Halvo to spit it out already, whatever he has in mind. I don't want any ideas in my own anymore.

"Hey," he laughs. "You wanna know something, Iann?"

"What," I ask, even though I'm almost frightened with whatever the answer could be because of his mood swings.

"John,"

Oh my God. I start screaming in my head at just John's name being mentioned. But I tell myself to stop it before I start showing Halvo the freak-out that's starting to mess up my brain more.

"John and I have been friends since high school, do you know that?"

I shake my head slowly. "No, I didn't know that.."

"Well, now you do! We have been friends since high school!"

"Okay," I mumble, not really sure where he's going.

"You wanna know something else?"

Before I can say no, he continues.

"I am one of John's best friends, Iann. You know what that means?"

Before I can even just think about saying no, he's already continuing.

"That means John tells me everything."

"What's that supposed to mean, Halvo," I reply without thinking.

"Halvo." he repeats. "You know, he gave me that nickname."

"What's that supposed to mean, Halvo," I ask again, not minding the latter thing he said.

"I'm waiting for you to tell me what he's telling me." Halvo almost whispers.

"What's he telling you?"

He backs away from me and starts walking out. "Shouldn't you know?"

"What if I don't,"

"I'm sure you do." Then he leaves.

Halvo was intimidating me. It starts to make me wonder how long he's been friends with Garrett as well.