I'm Anything You Want Me To Be.

I feel like my head is going to explode.

Every time I've ever been with Nick flashes a millisecond each in my head. His hugs, his kisses-- Now it's all so clear.

Not long after I come to the previous conclusion, I realize how whatever I have with John could affect my relationship with Nick. Nick and I aren't in good terms right now, and I'd hate for anything to push us further apart.

I'm getting back on my feet now.

John's hand immediately clings around my wrist. "Wait, no, don't go."

I stand still for a second. Then John lets go.

"Sorry." he says. "Sorry."

I start exiting the bus again, off to do my cigarette task. He's completely distracted me and I need some time to not think.

I light up a smoke and get started on it immediately. Then I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around, surprised I see him again. "John--"

He holds his palm out, making me think he's confiscating my pack. But when I put it in his hand, he picks a cigarette of his own and borrows my lighter.

"John, you smoke?"

"I'm surprised Garrett hasn't told you yet."

That morning. When he got so pissed over the fact that I was getting a beer. And his words: "I can see why you two get along." and him telling me to get John one, too. This must be what he means. But what is making Garrett so angry about it?

I don't even realize what I'm doing till I hear my voice almost involuntarily cussing John. "That shit's bad for you, knock it off."

"Don't try that one on me, Jones." John forces my fingers off his cigarette before I'm able to snatch it away.

"Seriously, knock it off." I push his forearm and that makes his fingers unclasp, sending the stick falling to the ground. Before he even reacts, I step on it to kill the light.

"What the fuck," John laughs. Then he gets serious. "What the fuck?!"

It's when the words come out of my mouth that I partially understand what I've just done. "You can't afford to be smoking cancer sticks,"

"I've smoked plenty of other things, Iann, I'm pretty sure a cigarette--"

"No, you're not--"

"Are you kidding me,"

"John, smoking is fucking terrible to your health--"

"What, do you think I didn't pay attention to my health classes in high school? God, Iann,"

"Oh, you're mad? You're mad. At me! John, you can't be mad at me for telling you not to smoke--"

"Oh, yes I can, because you're being such a huge fucking hypocrite--"

"Says the guy who doesn't let his best friend drink when he himself literally runs on alcohol."

"Excuse me?" John drops everything at the mention of his best friend. "What the hell is Kennedy telling you?"

"What the hell are you telling Halvo?"

"What the hell are we even talking about?!"

There's something about being in this argument with him that makes me feel all hot inside. Or maybe it's the fact that he's practically half-naked right now.

While I think about the absence of a shirt on his body, he's taken my cigarette and threw it right where I dropped his. He kills it the same way I killed his.

I shake my head, trying to stop myself from thinking about John that way.

John's eyes narrow toward me now. For a couple of seconds, were both silent. But it was just basically that half second when you light a fuse bomb. The spark zips for what seems forever but when it hits the bomb, it sets the explosion off. Because we'd started yelling again.

It doesn't register in my head, what we've been yelling at each other for.

The last few seconds of the argument does sink in to me, though. And I never would've guessed this is how our (technical) fight would have ended.

"Shut up!"

"You shut up!" I growl.

"Kiss me."

"You kiss me."

Before I know it, he'd pushed me against the wall and pressed his lips against mine.

The entire thing is charged with pure lust for one second, and the rest is fueled by whatever else, because then we know what we're doing, what's happening between us.

It all just happens so fast, and the next thing I know, we're in the front lounge again, on one of the couches. The image of him all over me brings me back to that terrible night.

He pulls away the half-second I even just start to think I have to stop this. He'll always be a step ahead of me, I guess, and it frustrates me.

"John," I gasp. "John,"

He backs away from me now, licking his lips. "Shit."

"John--"

"Shit!"

When he pushes himself off me, I ask "Where the hell are you going?"

"I'm going to jump off a fucking cliff in the Grand Canyon and kill myself because I'm not allowed to be fucking dreaming of you like this again."

"Dreaming," I repeat to myself. Then I remember that morning I slept with him, told him he was dreaming.

"Am I dreaming,"

I approach him and slap his face without his anticipation. "Did that hurt?"

"A lot!" he answers.

"Then you're not dreaming."

John heaves a big sigh. "Then that was real?"

I raise my palm again and he reacts by jolting a little more away from me. "Are you drunk?!"

"No!" he snaps. Then he turns his back on me. "Shit, why did I let myself do that,"

Before I say anything, he turns to face me again.

"Why the hell did you let me do that?!"

I don't know.

He starts going off when I grab his wrist the way he grabbed mine earlier. He stays and looks at me.

That venom on his lips, all the aggression from that small fight. Those things I could've should've learned from just his eyes, they're on my lips now instead.

"Well, say something." John mumbles.

I shake my head.

He rolls his eyes and goes off.

I collect myself and plump onto the couch again.

An hour or so goes by with me just sitting here in deep contemplation, and then people start going in the front lounge with bowls of mac and cheese and forks.

Soon enough, everyone on the bus is awake and is in either booths in here.

They're all talking about the mac and cheese now, how it's perfect, and better than the first time Dani tried to prepare it for everyone else.

Nick has Jay on his lap, which reminds me that he had left him alone again.

John keeps glancing at me but I act as if I don't catch him.

The conversation is paused when Jared says he's going out for some fresh air.

We let him be.

Everyone laughs at something Pat's said but we're all cut off when a very angry Jared stomps back into the area.

"John, what the fuck are these," Jared uses his free hand to pull at the hair on the back of John's head and makes him look at what he has on the other hand.

"Those are dead cigarettes." John answers quietly.

"I know what they are, John, but can you tell me what the fuck they were doing outside our bus,"

"Dirty things." John laughs.

"No." Jared shoves them into John's hands.

Everyone around the table is quiet as fuck and watching Jared in his rage. I have a feeling we're all scared. Me and Dani mostly, we've never seen Jared like this.

"We've talked about this, John." Jared grits.

That smile's wiped off John's face now. "Jared--"

"What, you're gonna tell me these aren't yours?"

"They're mine," I say when I realize that Jared was this close to hurting John.

Halvo gets up from his seat, apparently not having listened to what I just said. "Jared,"

Jared looks at Halvo and waits.

"Can you all excuse us," Halvo makes Jared let go of John and he drags him into the kitchen.

John and I stare at each other for a while, then we both turn our heads to the direction of the kitchen.

"Jared, what was that about?!" he hisses in a very loud whisper.

"John was smoking, Halvo--" Jared replies at the same volume.

"Calm the fuck down!"

"No, Halvo, I will not fucking calm down! You know why I'm so fucking angry!"

"I know, I know! I get it, and we've talked to him about it before--"

"Well, fuck, don't you care?!"

"I do, Jared, I fucking care about him, too, everyone does! But you don't have to freak out like this, you almost fucking punched John!"

"Only to knock some sense into him, he said he was quitting!"

"He's under a lot of pressure, okay?!" Halvo cuts Jared off. "He's under a lot of fucking pressure. You guys just quit the label, he's trying to figure it out with Tim, Dani and Iann fighting isn't making anything easier, he's losing sleep because he feels the need to watch Jay, he hasn't eaten a decent meal since tour started, he hasn't written anything that makes sense, Jared, he's just under a lot of pressure!"

This shuts Jared up. And everyone else at the tables.

I look at John. It's never occurred to me that he was "under pressure." I've never noticed those bags hanging under his eyes that was evidence of lack of sleep or a messed up sleeping schedule. And on any normal circumstance, I haven't seen a smile on his face.

It's never occurred to me that me and Dani fighting was something that contributed to his stress.

At least now I know I'm not the only one under pressure, and at least now I have a valid reason to quit bitching Dani.

"I'm sorry," I tell John. "Those were mine." I tell him, like he didn't know. "I woke up early and went out for a cigarette,"

"That's bull, Iann, you don't smoke." Nick laughs.

I look down.

Nick's laugh fades off.

Justin takes over and covers for Nick's lack of words now. "Wait, what?"

I'm smothering them. I'm aware of this, that this is a tall order after telling them about my mom. But I just can't make excuses or hide behind what technically aren't lies because I never told them otherwise. "Jared thought the smokes were John's, but they were mine."

"Right, right." Nick huffs. "Right. What else haven't you told us?"

"What?"

"Come on, what else have you been hiding?" Nick spits.

"What?"

"Nothing." Nick gets up, leaving his bowl. "I'm not hungry, I'm going back to sleep."

"Nick,"

"What is it, Iann?" he glares back at me. "Or is Iann even your real name?"

"Nick, what the hell," I catch myself playing dumb. But I reason out with myself that I can play dumb when it comes to Nick, because he knows he can tell it to me straight if he had anything in mind.

"I'm going back to bed."

"Nicholas--"

"Shut up, Riannon."