I'm Anything You Want Me To Be.

Garrett doesn't respond. Instead, he glares at Jay.

But why drag the damn kid into this? Because Pat told him off for cursing and now he can't keep on cursing because Jay's here? Jay's, like, three, or something, what does it matter?

Garrett shakes his head again and exits the bus.

Pat immediately follows him.

Justin, Halvo and Andrew show up and they join in, and their presence makes it seem as if Garrett were never here, as if he never actually disrespected me.

And that glare.

What does he have against me? Or Jay for that matter.

Small talk. And then more small talk. About tours. Albums. Video updates. Fans. Family. Holidays. Ham. Fucking ham.

What am I doing here?

Then they all suddenly silence, and I think for a second I did something wrong, but it's just Jared. "Where's John?" he questions.

John.

John.

John?

"In the bunks." Kennedy answers. "He'll be out soon, he can't resist Halvo,"

I glance at Halvo and notice a slight blush creeping up on his cheeks. "The fuck, Halvo, you never told me you had a boyfriend." I tease.

Halvo falls out and almost growls at me. He's looking for words to say. I can tell. But he can't find them.

I was just joking. But he seems legitimately disturbed and disgusted with the idea. "I'm never going to joke like that again, I'm sorry, Halvo."

He laughs. "You know what? That was actually funny." He makes Nick and me scoot over and sits down.

I watch him stop laughing. I'm forgiven.

He takes Jay from Kennedy and sits him on his lap. "Jay!" he almost yells.

Jay turns around and hugs Halvo.

It's a hugging day for Jay, I guess. He has those a lot when the Rocket guys are around. Halvo's his favorite, but I would never tell Nick that. Jay loves Andrew and Justin too, but he enjoys hugging Halvo the most.

We're continuing our conversation now, and with Andrew and Justin, the conversation is getting louder.

"You're all noisy little shits," someone groans at the entrance to the front lounge.

It takes everything I have not to scream. I can't scream! Not in front of Nick, or Halvo, or everyone else. No!

His tall, lanky figure leans against the wall as he wipes sleep off. He's scratching his bare chest, he has more tattoos now. Then he scratches his head and plays with his hair. His hair's now short, but it's still the same sandy shade of brown I remember.

No, I think. This can't be.

I take a deep breath as I try to block out the dazed memory flooding my head.

He doesn't pay attention to anyone as he continues his rant. "Really. Can't a guy get any fucking sleep at.." He looks around for a clock. Finding one, he states the time. "Seven forty-five in the evening,"

"Sorry, bud." Kennedy says in acknowledgement. "Rocket's here,"

He shrugs. He's still sleepy. He hasn't gotten over the fact that he could still be asleep if it weren't for us being noisy little shits.

I look at Nick. He doesn't suspect a drop of tension from me. Good. I don't want him worrying. I don't want to be worrying. This is all just probably in my head. Right?

John sits in a chair isolated from the rest of us, but still close.

It's in the way he sits. He's drunk. That's it. That's why the sleep never seems to get wiped off his being. He's just drunk. I know I've never met him. I'm almost sure. But he's so familiar, how he's acting.. It's all too familiar to me.

No. Damn it. I don't even have time to sort my thoughts out. I'm trying to keep myself in a conversation here. Besides, these thoughts are stupid, and should not be given importance to.

I relax onto Nick's shoulder again which he gladly accommodates me with when Jay jumps out of Halvo's lap and runs to this John.

John looks down at Jay. "Well, who's this handsome little fella?"

I can't stop myself from calling out to Jay. "No, Jay--"

John's eyes dart to my direction the moment he hears my voice.

As far as we are from each other, it's unmistakable that we're making eye contact.

I shake his gaze off and stand up to retrieve Jay. Somehow, as I'm walking to John, I find it hard to ignore how he is just staring at me. I bend now to pick Jay up and take him away, but the moment he's off his feet, he kicks himself away from me.

I'm shocked. This is the first time he's ever been violent, even in that slightest way.

Jay's running to John. And John gladly swoops him up and lets him ride on his lap, shaking his legs up and down so that Jay's bouncing. And bouncing happily for that matter.

No. This can't be happening. This isn't real. I'm dreaming. That's it. That's the only resolution I can come to. This is all a crazy dazed dream that my subconscious put together.

And Jay's giggles. They sound so different.

They're not like the giggles I've been hearing from when he was with Pat. Not the giggles I've been hearing from when he was with Halvo. Or Nick. Or even with me.

They sound oddly more genuine.

I'm scared. This all seems too real to be just a dream now. If I'm dreaming, it's high time I wake up.

"What's your name, little fella?" John asks.

Jay looks back at him as John slows the ride down. He can't speak yet. He can't talk yet. And he won't start now. He just laughs and kisses John's cheek.

John's beaming now as he returns Jay's kiss and hugs him. "You touring with us?"

I don't know, but I think I see Jay nod as if he understood him.

This is too much.

Before I attempt to take Jay back, I actually pinch myself to see if I'm dreaming. I'm not, I conclude, because it hurts a lot. I think I pinched too hard in the hopes that I actually really am dreaming. I go over to John, avoid eye-contact with him again as much as possible and pry Jay out of his arms.

Upset. Both of them.

How stupid. I have to snap out of this. I have to wake up. I hate these dreams. Not that I've had them before, but my hatred for this is blazing inside me now.

Even my emotions seem real. Gotta hand mad props to my subconscious for putting together this elaborate display of what I think I would detest the most.

I stand here, holding Jay in my arms as he struggles to get back to John, watching John pout at how he can't do anything even if he wants Jay with him. Motionless. Wordless. But definitely not thoughtless. A billion thoughts are running around in my head.

How this is the day I thought would never come. How this is not a dream. How many emotions I cannot even identify are making my stomach turn.

John sighs and he starts getting up, as if he's accepted how I'm not going to give Jay back.

But Jay's struggling doesn't cease.

Jay can't be acting this way. He just can't. He's never been this way before. How can someone he doesn't even know make him act this way?

I'm almost convinced this is a dream, because of the impossibility of what is happening to Jay, when Jared and Kennedy yell.

"Hey, Dani!"

I feel like I'm slapped back to reality. Literally. My cheeks are burning, and my arms give in and let go of Jay. If this were a dream, this is the part where I wake up, relieved.

But this is not a dream, and now, I am sure of it.

Dani eyes me for a second, but her attention gets reverted to Jay who is now in John's arms, smiling so wide, I think his jaw might break.

For the first time tonight, I'm sure of what I feel: I'm terrified. Of Dani. And John. And Jay. And everyone else. This is not the kind of situation I would've predicted myself in. At all.

"John, is that your kid?" Dani immediately asks.

I've never been in a worse position in my life. I start thinking of an explanation.

"No," John answers. "Wish he was. Look at him, he's adorable!"

A smile materializes on Dani's lips as she watched John play with Jay.

And I even get to thinking I might not need an explanation just yet.

Dani shakes her head, the way she would when she realizes she's forgotten something important, and looks away from John and Jay. "Where's Garrett?"

"Outside with Pat, hating himself," Jared answers nonchalantly.

"Hating himself?" Dani asks in a very inaudible voice. "What?"

"Nothing, he'll be back." Jared's response seems to calm Dani down.

I'm confused.

Garrett just stormed out the bus. Is Dani to blame?

No, Iann, stop it, I think. Stop trying to change the topic. You have to think of something to say when they ask about Jay.

"Okay," Dani mutters and takes a seat next to Kennedy.

Kennedy lets out a whistle. "What did you do to Garrett?"

This question makes Dani uncomfortable. I sense it too quickly. She shakes her head. "I-- Uhm.. I don't know," she stutters.

She still can't support her own answers. She is never going to learn. I totally have this over her.

No, I don't. I still don't have an explanation. And I never thought I would ever need one.

I have to stop comparing myself to her. I have to. I'm going to stop thinking about this now.

John's chuckling, Jay's giggling. There's this similarity I don't want to recognize. Not now. Not here. Not with everyone around. Not with Dani around.

"What's his name?" John asks me, forgetting exactly whatever made him look so intently into my eyes just a while ago.

"His name's Jay," I say.

"Jay." John repeats. "Jay." he says as he pokes the side of Jay's stomach. "Aren't you a little mother fucker?"

There's no Pat to call him out.

But he calls himself out anyway, which means no Pat is necessary. "Just kidding. Can't have you hearing this shit from me-- Shit! There it goes again-- Fuck! Wait.. No.." He groans and hugs Jay, realizing how big of a fault it was to use that kind of language on an innocent kid. "You're adorable!"

Jay hugs him back tightly.

This is messing with my head. I have to remind myself I'm not dreaming.

"Who's the kid, Iann?"

I dread this moment. Out of everyone in this room, Dani is the last person I would want asking me that.

I almost forget Nick is here. He is! And he's got my back! He answers. "This is Jay," he starts.

Nick isn't even stuttering. It's as if these words have been in his head forever and he speaks them ever so fluently. "I don't know about you guys, but I think Jay is the most adorable little kid ever, I mean, look at him!"

"Related to you?" Dani asks Nick.

Dani has this stupid habit of talking to strangers--err-- people she doesn't know. She has this confidence I don't, and right now, it's just biting me in the ass how she does this all without even knowing Nick.

Related to you? Her words bounce around in my head. Jay? Related to Nick? Sure, if he had red hair and blue green eyes, anyone would buy it. Nick could be related to Dani and me. We have this hair color that's a distinct one for redheads. It's not orange, it's not red, it's somewhere really in the middle mixed with gold. This weird pale shade of our skin adds to that too.

But no. Jay has sandy blonde hair, and green eyes. God knows where they came from. Then I start thinking about how stupid Dani is to even think that. How could Jay be related to Nick at all?

Nick doesn't answer but I assume Dani shrugs it off. It doesn't matter to her. She thinks this doesn't involve her.

But damn, she couldn't be any more wrong.

Dani has bought into whatever Nick had said. He wasn't lying at all. But he didn't say any truth either.

We're back to small talk. I can't take Jay back. That would cause too much suspicion. I think. I don't know, it's just complicated.

For once, I'm actually glad someone is asking about being twins.

"So twins," Kennedy says. "This is interesting,"

"You guys probably get this a lot," Jared starts. "But.. If I punch Dani, will Iann feel it?"

Dani sets distance between himself and Jared, anticipating a punch soon. "No, she won't. Don't try."

"I wouldn't punch a girl!" Jared defends.

"She won't," Dani says.

"Really?" Kennedy raises his eyebrows. "I thought--"

"No." I stop him. "I really won't. And it won't work vice-versa. So really, don't try."

Nick takes my hand and pulls me down with him. "You have no idea how long I've been wondering how that works,"

"It doesn't." I say.

"But if, for example," Kennedy scratches his head. "If Dani hates me, would you hate me too?"

"But Dani doesn't hate you," I tell him.

Kennedy smiles at this. "So if you think I'm nice, would Dani think I'm nice too?"

"She wouldn't if she already does," I look at Dani, who is actually agreeing.

"That is too cool." Kennedy hangs back and shakes his head.

"I don't see what's so cool about it," Dani scoffs the same time I do.

The other guys are now engaged. They're amused at how we said that at the same time.

It happens rarely, and sometimes, even Dani and I are amazed. I look at her, but she's not really reacting.

Oh, right. I think. We hate each other now. If she wants to let the guys know, I'm cool with that.

I don't care. Hate me, Dani, you'll crack first.

But while I wait for that to happen, what do I do about Jay?

An explanation is due. John is most probably going to ask about Jay soon.

And I can't keep passing Jay up as my little brother. Clearly, he's not.

And these guys, I can't lie to these guys!

I need to think about this. I need to talk this out with someone. Not Dani, of course. Nick.

Nick, remember the party where we met? Yeah? Have I mentioned I drank way too much and got way too drunk and ended up losing my virginity? Yeah? Have I mentioned I got knocked up? You probably know that. You took care of me and Jay. But did I tell you it was that party? Or did I shove some lie down your throat, like, how I slept with someone else before that party? Yeah? Can you forget about that for one second, because I think Jay's dad is in this bus right now. Yeah, the guy the rest of you calls John.

No. That's stupid.

"Is it true that when one of you gets sick, the other one gets sick too?" Jared asks, pulling me away from my thoughts.

"What?"

"No," Dani says. "It's some stereotype. She won't get sick immediately.. It's.. Like, turn-taking or something like that. After I get sick, she gets sick. We're never sick at the same time." She's smiling, at the edge of giggling, even. What's going on? This bitch.

"It's like having to shit," I continue, and I can't stop myself from laughing. "But sometimes, it works differently. Dani and I feel the need to shit at the same time."

"One time, back in high school, Iann raced me to the bathroom, and fucking won, and I ended up having to hold my shit in." Dani narrates. "It's so stupid!"

I start laughing, and she's laughing along.

"Man, I haven't talked about this since I started college," she says. "Didn't tell anyone I had a twin sister,"

I don't cut my laugh off immediately, trying to hide the fact that what she just said hurts me. I can't explain it, it just hurts.

"We haven't caught up yet," Dani tells me. "We--"

"Of course we haven't." I scoff. Control it, Iann. Stop. I repeat over and over in my head. But my emotions get the better of me now. "You've been too busy!"

"Don't start with me again, Iann." Dani coldly tells me off, all the humor in her face dropping.

"Don't start with me again, Iann." I roll my eyes as I mock her. "Stop getting dramatic!"

"I never even said that!"

"That's what you're thinking anyway, bitch." I get up. "And all of you." I point fingers at Jared and Kennedy, not taking time to remind myself that I thought they were nice people. "Bastards." I call them.

"Iann," Nick says. Thinking he's telling me off for calling Kennedy and Jared bastards, I don't respond. And I'm never insensitive about Nick, but this time, I slap his hand away. I regret it two seconds later when he stands up and leads me off the bus. "We'll be back," he says.

The moment I hop off the last step of the stairs, I start crying. The tears start flowing, and the sobs start growing.

"Iann," Nick comfortingly hugs me.

"I hate her, I hate her, I hate her," I mutter.

Nick nods and lets me cry on his chest. I cry over a lot of things a lot of times, but this time, I'm really hurt. What the hell is wrong with Dani? I mean, I get it, she doesn't have to think about me in college, but leave that out when she meets people?

Thinking about it only makes me feel like I'm wrong. It's just me. Because I'm the one always mentioning I have twin sister when I meet people. Simply because she's my other half and there pretty much wouldn't be a me if there isn't a her. And, wow, thanks, now she just made it clear to me that she didn't need me half as much as I needed her.

"What the fuck is your problem, huh, Iann?!"

I push myself away from Nick and face Dani. "What the fuck is your problem, huh, Dani?!"

"Riannon--"

"Daniella!"

"Thanks a lot for calling them bastards, Iann--"

"That's it!" I snap. "This is still about The Maine!" I yell and strike my palm on her cheek as hard as I can.

And I don't feel the same sort of rushing regret I did when I slapped Nick away earlier. The first time I actually mean to hurt her legitimately, I end up not caring.

"Still about The fucking Maine! Dani, you don't get it?! I'm sick of you putting The Maine before me! And everything else! I get it that you didn't need me in college, but really, now it's The Maine you're defending instead of apologizing! I can't fucking believe you!"

Dani's quiet, just touching the cheek I turned red with my palm. She's staring down at the beanie I knocked off her head with the slap and even though her red hair's covering half her face, I know tears are streaming their way down her cheeks.

I'm crying too. This seems fair. And now the guilt is starting to get more overwhelming than knowing I got back at her.

Yet anger is demanding to take over me, and I let it. "You're not even going to apologize. Bitch!" I yell. "You choose The Maine over me, leave me for college, come back, and try to leave me again! Really?! And you asked me what my problem was! Bitch!"

Dani nods, trying not to show any emotion with her voice. "Note taken." Then she walks off into oblivion.

Nick takes me back to the bus.

John looks up from Jay, sees me crying, and then makes sure Jay doesn't see me. I'm thankful he has the sense to do that.

Nick takes me to a bunk he says is his and makes me cry all of it out.

I don't know how long I spend moping on Nick's chest, but I don't care either.

This leg of the tour hasn't even started; it's too early for drama like this.

"I hate her," I tell Nick for the nth time.

"Mhm," He laughs. Nothing's funny.

"I hate her." I say again. Just to let it out one more time.

"Okay," He shifts a little and makes me look up at him. "Are you feeling better?"

"Stupid question." I tap his nose. "Yes. Thanks."

"You know, you really have to get more emotionally stable soon."

"Can we not talk about it,"

"Sure," He sighs. He pushes me up a little and kisses my forehead. "Let's talk about something else, hmm?"

"I don't wanna talk about anything else," I mumble. "Just.."

"Okay, okay." he whispers. "Just close your eyes, sleep it off or something."

I nuzzle my head into his chest. And I start thinking.

I want to stop the pain. It's still there, and I hate it. I hate Dani. And how I'm feeling because of what she did. And what she didn't do. I don't want to feel this anymore. I don't even want to think about it. I start racking my brain for something else to think about when I start thinking the way I did before I kissed Nick.

"What are you thinking about, Iann?" he asks me quietly, knowing I've stopped crying, but I'm still awake.

"It's not important," I say.

"Really?"

"No," I rub my eyes. "I just really love you."

"And I just really love you too," he says slowly.

"L--" I hear Dani's voice. "Leave me alone!"

"Dani," Pat.

"No! Leave me alone, Pat!"

"Don't," I hear Garrett's voice now. "Leave her alone. Give her space."

"But Gare,"

"No, Pat. Leave her alone."

"She always gets what she wants." I whisper to Nick.

"You've mentioned that."

"What else haven't I mentioned?"

"I think you've told me everything." he says.

This makes me think. Not everything. I haven't told him about John. Then again, I'm not yet sure. I almost am, but.. It's not worth risking telling Nick.

"You're thinking wrong." I say anyway.

"I am?" he asks curiously. "What makes what I'm thinking wrong,"

I don't answer when I hear more voices outside.

"But you know Dani can't quit now." Kennedy huffs.

"She won't." Garrett says. "She can't, and she won't."

"Can't stop, won't stop!" John yells.

"Shut the fuck up, John!" Garrett tells him off, the tone of annoyance in his voice really sharp.

"Kid." John warns Garrett. "There's a kid."

"Guys, let's all just head to bed. Alright?" Jared calms everyone down. "None of us needs to be yelling like this."

"As always, taking control," Halvo says. "Love you, Jared."

"Just go to bed. We're gonna get going anyway."

After about five minutes, silence takes over.

"Heard what Jared said, darling? Time to sleep." Nick tells me.

I nod.

"Good."