Status: we'll see how this plays out
I'm Anything You Want Me To Be.
Lack of Sleep
"I had a feeling you'd come out here," He sighs.
"I had a feeling you'd be waiting for me." I reply.
John and I stare at each other for a second, then we both laugh.
"I'm just kidding," we say at the same time.
Day 16.
He offers his hand for me to take, and I gladly take it if I may add. "Walk?" he casually and shortly invites.
"Why not," I shrug.
And we take a real walk. Not the kind of walk I'd taken once with Kennedy which was around a block out from the bus.
The bus is out of sight now.
"It's freezing," I say.
He takes his jacket off and offers it to me. "Sorry,"
"It's fine,"
Before I can object, though, he puts his jacket over my shoulders. I want to tell him I don't need it, walking is a warm-up enough. But I won't deny this, and I won't deny his apology even though I don't know what it's for. "Sorry about yesterday."
"What about yesterday?"
"You didn't have to say those were yours,"
"Oh, the cigarettes?"
"Yeah,"
"But they were mine. You haven't even started when I made you let go,"
"Either way, I still deserved the lecture from Jared."
We find ourselves a bench and we get seated. It may be the wrong time to bring them out, but I expose my cigarettes and my lighter.
I actually offer him one, and as expected, he turns it down. It doesn't stop me, though. I whip out a smoke and light it.
"You are killing me," John chuckles as he jokingly tries to make me drop my cigarette.
I giggle.
"Seriously though," he reaches over and taps my stick with his finger. "You knock it off."
I don't ask why, but he elaborates.
"People care about you."
"Hmm?"
"Why do you think Jared got so mad,"
"Because he cares about you." I guess.
"He made me promise I was gonna quit as soon as he found out,"
"How long have you been smoking then,"
"A couple of years."
"Did people know?"
He shakes his head. "So when Jared found out, he literally punched me in the gut. He said that if I was just going to kill myself over smokes, he might as well just have killed me right then and there." His tone is all joyous and melodic, I wonder about it for a while. Then he says "Good ol' Jared."
"How long have you been friends,"
"Since high school." he answers. "Around the time I met Halvo, too."
"But how come Halvo didn't get mad,"
"I tell him things before I tell Jared. Jared just reacts immediately. You know? I tell him that I thought for a second about smoking and he would literally just slap me. But Halvo just tries to understand. And he didn't get mad because he thinks I'm under pressure."
"Are you?"
John shrugs. "Maybe. This tour's just been so crazy with Garrett and Dani, and Dani, and Jay, and Ken.. And you,"
"And who?"
"And Ken."
I nod into my cigarette. I'm slowly lifting it up to my lips when John stops me.
"I care about you."
This makes me pause.
I don't think about it, though. "No, you don't,"
And I don't know what I do to upset him, but he snatches the cigarette as fast as he can away from my fingers.
It's as if he anticipates it, because the moment I turn to look at him, to rage at him for having done what he did, his lips crash into mine.
And I don't pull away.
I sit here with John's hands on my cheeks, with him pulling me closer as if I wasn't close enough. I stare at the cigarette he had thrown on the ground till my eyelids slowly drop, and I slowly fall into this moment with John.
What he started so abruptly melts into his gentleness.
Part of me never wants this to end.
But another part of me, the one I usually let take over, wishes this isn't even happening at all.
His grip softens, our lips cease to interlock, then his eyes open to meet mine.
"If you cared, why did you leave me,"
"God knows I didn't want to."
"But you did."
"Riannon--"
I get up and take his jacket off.
"Please, Iann--"
He left me. Nothing is going to change that.
Whatever he says, or does, at this point, won't do anything about what he'd already done to me then.
He left me, he broke my heart when I didn't even know I had one, and he left me broken that morning. He had no idea how much fixing I took. He has no idea.
And he's right. This tour's just been so crazy. With Garrett and Dani, and Dani, and Jay, and Kennedy, and there's Nick and Halvo and Justin and Andrew, and.. And there's John.
I will not let John hurt me again.
"My.. Allergies are.. Acting up," I stutter and hand his jacket back to him. "I'll see you at the bus,"
"Iann--"
I start running away from him.
It took me just one kiss with him, and just the words "I care about you." rolling off the tip of his tongue to slap me back to reality.
Where do I get off thinking I can fool around with John that way?
When I start my way up the stairs, I realize that tears really are falling from my eyes. "Shit, why the fuck are you crying?!" I mutter. I start scolding myself. "Riannon, stop it."
"Iann?"
"What,"
"Is that you,"
"Yeah," I try to slow my breaths down.
"You alright?"
"I'm fine, Garrett."
"You and Dani have more in common than you think," Garrett says as I enter the front lounge. He can perfectly see the tears in my eyes, but I deny it. "You're cuter when you're crying, though."
"You are so stupid."
"Glad you've figured that out," Garrett pats his side, telling me to sit down next to him. So I do. "Sometimes when Dani cries, she tells me the exact same thing."
It makes me laugh that someone cares for Dani the way Garrett does. I guess it's just knowing that even when I won't be there, she still won't ever be alone. I don't know what brings me to saying it, but I go. "You care about Dani,"
"Of course I do." Garrett smiles. "I love her. So much. So much. You know? I mean.. It's crazy, seeing her after three years after we broke up.. But you know what how I felt made me realize?"
"What?"
"That I never stopped thinking about her. That I never stopped being in love with her. It's so stupid, but when you just.. God, when you miss someone like that, it's.. Wow," He laughs at himself, most probably thinking about how he shouldn't have started in the first place because now he can't finish what he's saying.
"Save your breath," I tell him to save him the trouble.
After around a couple of seconds, "So what were those baby blue eyes crying about?" he asks.
I avoid giving him a direct answer. I stay in almost complete irrelevance. "How do you know when you care about someone?"
"Sometimes you tell yourself you don't." Garrett says. "But the truth is you do. It's either you care too much or you don't care at all." he pouts. "Maybe that's just me."
"Well how do you know you care about Dani?"
"Well I know I'm in love with her because she's the only girl I've ever cared for this much. I care about her so much that, she could make me angry enough to cry.. And she could make me happy enough to cry.. And she could make me feel so fucking.. Absent.. That I can't even cry anymore."
"Are you sure that's how you care for someone,"
"That's how we all make each other feel in the bus. Don't tell anyone, but I'm a crier."
This makes me smile for some reason.
"Now what were you really crying about,"
"Why are you awake?"
"I didn't sleep."
"Why not,"
Garrett puts on this sharp smirk, and his tone is all embarrassed. "I was just watching Dani sleep." And then he's not so embarrassed anymore. "She hates sleeping alone."
"Sure, that's why she asked Mom for separate rooms when we were ten," I mumble.
Garrett didn't hear it. "She's an angel."
"Don't talk to me about her," I ask. "Especially not like that. Do me that one favor."
"Right." Garrett nods. "Sorry." He tries to immediately make me forget about the last exchange of words. "So what's wrong,"
I quickly tell myself to say "Nothing." but the word "Everything," which is ever so contradicting to my thoughts, makes its way out of my mouth.
"I'm sorry I'm not helping."
"Your company's enough, thank you very much." I respond.
Before either of us say another word, John marches into the front lounge with his jacket in his hand.
He sees me. "Iann,"
"Save it," I casually say. I look at Garrett as I get up. "I'm just taking a nap,"
Neither of them tries to stop me, and I gladly leave them there. But as soon as I've passed the way into the kitchen, Garrett immediately confronts John.
"What the hell did you do to her,"
"Not much, just ruined her life." I can picture John shrugging because of the tone of his voice.
"What did you do to her?" Garrett asks again, more firmly if I may add. "Why did she come in here crying--"
"It was her allergies!" John mocks in a shrill tone, in a feeble attempt to copy my voice. "Look, Garrett, I've been trying to make this right. And you never knew, and no one else ever knew, but I know with myself that all I've ever wanted was to make it right. And now that we're here and the chance is literally right in front of us, she won't let me take it--"
"Calm down, buddy." Garrett then chuckles.
"It's the lack of sleep, okay," John defends apologetically.
"The lack of sleep." Garrett repeats. "A little less than a week and this tour's over, John. A little less than a week. You have that long to make it right. But hang in there. No pressure. Get rest when you need it. Ayt, John?"
A short pause.
"After this tour, we get an entire day of rest then studio. So just hang in there till then. Alright?"
A minute of silence.
"John, are you even listening?"
A longer pause.
"John?"
"Yeah, yeah."
"Did you hear anything I said?"
"Yeah, tour, tour." I can picture John waving Garrett off.
And I can picture Garrett wondering about this.
Then John's voice continues. "I need a beer,"
"I had a feeling you'd be waiting for me." I reply.
John and I stare at each other for a second, then we both laugh.
"I'm just kidding," we say at the same time.
Day 16.
He offers his hand for me to take, and I gladly take it if I may add. "Walk?" he casually and shortly invites.
"Why not," I shrug.
And we take a real walk. Not the kind of walk I'd taken once with Kennedy which was around a block out from the bus.
The bus is out of sight now.
"It's freezing," I say.
He takes his jacket off and offers it to me. "Sorry,"
"It's fine,"
Before I can object, though, he puts his jacket over my shoulders. I want to tell him I don't need it, walking is a warm-up enough. But I won't deny this, and I won't deny his apology even though I don't know what it's for. "Sorry about yesterday."
"What about yesterday?"
"You didn't have to say those were yours,"
"Oh, the cigarettes?"
"Yeah,"
"But they were mine. You haven't even started when I made you let go,"
"Either way, I still deserved the lecture from Jared."
We find ourselves a bench and we get seated. It may be the wrong time to bring them out, but I expose my cigarettes and my lighter.
I actually offer him one, and as expected, he turns it down. It doesn't stop me, though. I whip out a smoke and light it.
"You are killing me," John chuckles as he jokingly tries to make me drop my cigarette.
I giggle.
"Seriously though," he reaches over and taps my stick with his finger. "You knock it off."
I don't ask why, but he elaborates.
"People care about you."
"Hmm?"
"Why do you think Jared got so mad,"
"Because he cares about you." I guess.
"He made me promise I was gonna quit as soon as he found out,"
"How long have you been smoking then,"
"A couple of years."
"Did people know?"
He shakes his head. "So when Jared found out, he literally punched me in the gut. He said that if I was just going to kill myself over smokes, he might as well just have killed me right then and there." His tone is all joyous and melodic, I wonder about it for a while. Then he says "Good ol' Jared."
"How long have you been friends,"
"Since high school." he answers. "Around the time I met Halvo, too."
"But how come Halvo didn't get mad,"
"I tell him things before I tell Jared. Jared just reacts immediately. You know? I tell him that I thought for a second about smoking and he would literally just slap me. But Halvo just tries to understand. And he didn't get mad because he thinks I'm under pressure."
"Are you?"
John shrugs. "Maybe. This tour's just been so crazy with Garrett and Dani, and Dani, and Jay, and Ken.. And you,"
"And who?"
"And Ken."
I nod into my cigarette. I'm slowly lifting it up to my lips when John stops me.
"I care about you."
This makes me pause.
I don't think about it, though. "No, you don't,"
And I don't know what I do to upset him, but he snatches the cigarette as fast as he can away from my fingers.
It's as if he anticipates it, because the moment I turn to look at him, to rage at him for having done what he did, his lips crash into mine.
And I don't pull away.
I sit here with John's hands on my cheeks, with him pulling me closer as if I wasn't close enough. I stare at the cigarette he had thrown on the ground till my eyelids slowly drop, and I slowly fall into this moment with John.
What he started so abruptly melts into his gentleness.
Part of me never wants this to end.
But another part of me, the one I usually let take over, wishes this isn't even happening at all.
His grip softens, our lips cease to interlock, then his eyes open to meet mine.
"If you cared, why did you leave me,"
"God knows I didn't want to."
"But you did."
"Riannon--"
I get up and take his jacket off.
"Please, Iann--"
He left me. Nothing is going to change that.
Whatever he says, or does, at this point, won't do anything about what he'd already done to me then.
He left me, he broke my heart when I didn't even know I had one, and he left me broken that morning. He had no idea how much fixing I took. He has no idea.
And he's right. This tour's just been so crazy. With Garrett and Dani, and Dani, and Jay, and Kennedy, and there's Nick and Halvo and Justin and Andrew, and.. And there's John.
I will not let John hurt me again.
"My.. Allergies are.. Acting up," I stutter and hand his jacket back to him. "I'll see you at the bus,"
"Iann--"
I start running away from him.
It took me just one kiss with him, and just the words "I care about you." rolling off the tip of his tongue to slap me back to reality.
Where do I get off thinking I can fool around with John that way?
When I start my way up the stairs, I realize that tears really are falling from my eyes. "Shit, why the fuck are you crying?!" I mutter. I start scolding myself. "Riannon, stop it."
"Iann?"
"What,"
"Is that you,"
"Yeah," I try to slow my breaths down.
"You alright?"
"I'm fine, Garrett."
"You and Dani have more in common than you think," Garrett says as I enter the front lounge. He can perfectly see the tears in my eyes, but I deny it. "You're cuter when you're crying, though."
"You are so stupid."
"Glad you've figured that out," Garrett pats his side, telling me to sit down next to him. So I do. "Sometimes when Dani cries, she tells me the exact same thing."
It makes me laugh that someone cares for Dani the way Garrett does. I guess it's just knowing that even when I won't be there, she still won't ever be alone. I don't know what brings me to saying it, but I go. "You care about Dani,"
"Of course I do." Garrett smiles. "I love her. So much. So much. You know? I mean.. It's crazy, seeing her after three years after we broke up.. But you know what how I felt made me realize?"
"What?"
"That I never stopped thinking about her. That I never stopped being in love with her. It's so stupid, but when you just.. God, when you miss someone like that, it's.. Wow," He laughs at himself, most probably thinking about how he shouldn't have started in the first place because now he can't finish what he's saying.
"Save your breath," I tell him to save him the trouble.
After around a couple of seconds, "So what were those baby blue eyes crying about?" he asks.
I avoid giving him a direct answer. I stay in almost complete irrelevance. "How do you know when you care about someone?"
"Sometimes you tell yourself you don't." Garrett says. "But the truth is you do. It's either you care too much or you don't care at all." he pouts. "Maybe that's just me."
"Well how do you know you care about Dani?"
"Well I know I'm in love with her because she's the only girl I've ever cared for this much. I care about her so much that, she could make me angry enough to cry.. And she could make me happy enough to cry.. And she could make me feel so fucking.. Absent.. That I can't even cry anymore."
"Are you sure that's how you care for someone,"
"That's how we all make each other feel in the bus. Don't tell anyone, but I'm a crier."
This makes me smile for some reason.
"Now what were you really crying about,"
"Why are you awake?"
"I didn't sleep."
"Why not,"
Garrett puts on this sharp smirk, and his tone is all embarrassed. "I was just watching Dani sleep." And then he's not so embarrassed anymore. "She hates sleeping alone."
"Sure, that's why she asked Mom for separate rooms when we were ten," I mumble.
Garrett didn't hear it. "She's an angel."
"Don't talk to me about her," I ask. "Especially not like that. Do me that one favor."
"Right." Garrett nods. "Sorry." He tries to immediately make me forget about the last exchange of words. "So what's wrong,"
I quickly tell myself to say "Nothing." but the word "Everything," which is ever so contradicting to my thoughts, makes its way out of my mouth.
"I'm sorry I'm not helping."
"Your company's enough, thank you very much." I respond.
Before either of us say another word, John marches into the front lounge with his jacket in his hand.
He sees me. "Iann,"
"Save it," I casually say. I look at Garrett as I get up. "I'm just taking a nap,"
Neither of them tries to stop me, and I gladly leave them there. But as soon as I've passed the way into the kitchen, Garrett immediately confronts John.
"What the hell did you do to her,"
"Not much, just ruined her life." I can picture John shrugging because of the tone of his voice.
"What did you do to her?" Garrett asks again, more firmly if I may add. "Why did she come in here crying--"
"It was her allergies!" John mocks in a shrill tone, in a feeble attempt to copy my voice. "Look, Garrett, I've been trying to make this right. And you never knew, and no one else ever knew, but I know with myself that all I've ever wanted was to make it right. And now that we're here and the chance is literally right in front of us, she won't let me take it--"
"Calm down, buddy." Garrett then chuckles.
"It's the lack of sleep, okay," John defends apologetically.
"The lack of sleep." Garrett repeats. "A little less than a week and this tour's over, John. A little less than a week. You have that long to make it right. But hang in there. No pressure. Get rest when you need it. Ayt, John?"
A short pause.
"After this tour, we get an entire day of rest then studio. So just hang in there till then. Alright?"
A minute of silence.
"John, are you even listening?"
A longer pause.
"John?"
"Yeah, yeah."
"Did you hear anything I said?"
"Yeah, tour, tour." I can picture John waving Garrett off.
And I can picture Garrett wondering about this.
Then John's voice continues. "I need a beer,"
♠ ♠ ♠
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