I'm Anything You Want Me To Be.

"And she just asked you if you'd be okay with it?" Kennedy mumbles as he sets down a card he's picked from his thin deck.

We've been playing solitaire, the two of us. The two of us, which, I'm pretty sure, is against the rules. But if it calms me the fuck down, I don't care about the regulations.

"Well, what did you say?"

"I told her to go back to sleep." I stare at my cards, looking for a black 6 or a red 8.

Kennedy looks over at my deck. "You have a 6 of Spades over there." he points.

"Oh, yeah." I say and pick it out of my deck. I unite it with one of those lines with the alternating red and blacks.

"Then what did she say?"

"She didn't want to go back to sleep so I woke Garrett up and made him put her to bed." I narrate nonchalantly.

He'd taken his turn at putting another card down and I'm now staring blankly at the cards in my hands. His hand weighs down on my wrists, making me put down the cards. "But what did you want to say?"

I know my eyebrows almost involuntarily shoot up at his question. "Huh?"

"Answer her question." Kennedy commands.

"I don't have an answer," I decide to say as I start picking my cards up again.

He stops me and makes me put them down in an instant. "There's an answer in there somewhere." he says, looking me dead in the eye.

I gulp.

No, there isn't an answer. Or at least I want myself to believe that there isn't an answer. Because if I do choose between the two simple choices, "Yes" and "No," I know that the reason behind whatever answer I'll pick is deep. And I don't wanna wander far into the theory.

"Think about it." Kennedy sets his deck atop the table and resumes looking into my soul. "There's an answer in there somewhere. What if she did go to sleep like you told her to, and what if she doesn't wake up? Will you be okay with it?" he asks Dani's exact question.

I don't say anything yet because I know Kennedy's not done just yet.

"Or what if you went to sleep and didn't wake up? Would you be okay with the fact that your only last words to Dani were Go back to sleep.?" Kennedy raises his eyebrow. "I'd say that if I went to sleep right now and I didn't wake up hours later, let me tell you, I would be okay because I fell asleep, and died, with you right there. I would've died in your comfort--"

"Kennedy, don't say those things, you're not gonna die."

"How do you know that?" Kennedy questions seriously. "How are you so sure that if I went to sleep right now, I would wake up later?"

"Kennedy--"

"Would you be okay with it?"

"Kennedy--"

"What if these are my final words to you, would you be okay with it?"

"Kennedy--"

"What if we somehow ended up in a crazy fight? Like a fight out of complete nowhere. And I called you a fucking bitch. And those were my final words to you. Would you be okay with it?"

"Ken--"

"Would you be okay with it?!" he asks firmly, now clearly demanding an answer.

I take a deep breath and answer. "No."

"And why not,"

"Because you mean so much to me.. And.. And I would miss you if you died.. But it would hurt remembering you.. Because.. Because then I'd remember you died angry at someone who wasn't worth it.. And.. And I'd remember the last time you ever were with me, I was just a bitch, not your friend.."

Kennedy seems satisfied with my answer and doesn't make me go on.

And thank God he doesn't. Because I can't even think of losing Kennedy. Not now. And not the way he's hypothetically putting it.

But he does ask another question. "Now, would you or would you not feel the same about Dani?"

I don't give Kennedy an answer even though I know he wants one. Instead, I pick up my cards again and take one from the thick deck on the side, adding it to the small number of cards I already have in hand.

Kennedy sighs. He knows forcing an answer out of me would defeat the entire purpose of him even putting himself in my shoes, or Dani's shoes. In fact, it doesn't even matter whose shoes it is, mine or Dani's, that Kennedy is trying to fit, because Dani and I most probably still have the same shoe size.

He ruins all the lanes of cards we've put together and sweeps them up with his forearm.

"Wait, we're not even done yet!" I complain.

"You seem like you are." he replies.

Me? Done? With what?

"I'm going back to sleep." he informs me.

"You better wake up," I scowl.

"What if I don't?"

I don't even think before I blurt it out. "Then I love you."

Kennedy smiles. "Do you really?"

Great. This is the first time I ever tell him I love him and it's all like this.

It's not that I'd expect it to be something special. And most people would think that if I did want it to be special, it was because it was more than platonic. But if anything, it's no more than that. I need a friend and he's right here for me. And he'd been there, and he plans on being there in the future, near or far.

Maybe I'll admit it: The first time I tell him I love him, whether I knew it or not, I did want it to be special.

But I guess there's no point in hoping for it to be any more special than how it just came out right now.

I put on an unsure grin.

He smirks at me in return, though, and moves the pile of cards to one area of the table. After this, he starts walking away.

"Don't you dare not wake up." I jokingly warn.

"We'll see." he says, and I'm not so sure whether he's serious or not. "Make sure you arrange those cards, Garrett hates it when he brings them out and they're all shuffled."

"Oh, these are Garrett's?"

"They were John's but he gave them to Garrett and Garrett's always lending it to me."

"Why so?"

"It's so I calm down." Kennedy laughs. "Garrett knows how unstable I get sometimes."

"Oh,"

"It helps me do some thinking when I need it."

"Garrett's smart."

"Some may say." Kennedy ups his shoulders in a shrug.

"I'll fix the cards," I assure him. He'd given me the hint that I'm to do my own thinking whether or not I like it because it's overdue.

Besides, it's been hours since I've regained composure from the breakdown.

"Don't hurt yourself." he pleads after I've gotten up to give him a hug.

"I won't," I promise.

He waves me a small goodbye then he exits.

I plump back down on the seat and take the cards in my hands. I force them all in one deck, some decorative face-up, some face-down. The first thing I do is arrange them by that.

As I scan through the cards, occasionally having to turn one of them over, I start to think of what Kennedy said.

I can't lose Kennedy. No. Just thinking about it makes my head hurt, and trying to imagine what I'd be doing right now if I didn't have him around makes me feel terrible. It starts to make me so sad just to even think about losing Kennedy that I want to think of something else or just plainly focus on the cards.

But the cards are all either black or red, the prints are simple, the patterns are easy, and counting 1 to 10 isn't much of a challenge. There isn't enough for me to focus on.

Garrett truly is a smart boy. I think it's pretty impressive of him to have given this task to Kennedy for when he needs to think. And how I also think it's pretty impressive how this is applicable to me even though I wasn't the one to whom this task was assigned.

But Garrett, and how impressive his tactics are, isn't who I'm supposed to be thinking about.

I know the only reason Kennedy had left me with these cards, and even implied hypothetically that he was the subject of Dani's question, is so that I truly will do some thinking, since it is, in all honesty, as I've concluded it is, overdue.

I have no idea why I am so sure I don't want to lose Kennedy. Why I know I don't want to lose him, and why I'm not even a bit sure about what I feel about Dani in this entire situation.

In the back of my head, I know there's more to a simple "Yes." had I just answered Dani's question.

"Would you be okay with it?"

The question rings over and over in my head, bouncing off the walls of my brain and bouncing back in either Dani's or Kennedy's voices.

And I recall what I've said just a few moments ago. Why I wouldn't be okay if it were Kennedy.

I realize I've already started separating the black cards from the red cards when I realize another thing.

I'm afraid. I'm scared. I'm terrified. I'm every other verbal adjective that involves the presence of fear.

Because of all I'm about to realize.

If I say yes, if I say I would be okay, then that would be complete bullshit.

I just got all in her face because of Garrett. What she and Garrett had isn't any of my business, and neither is what Dani's done for him, what she's willing to do for him.

It's no fair that she'd compared me with Garrett, but what isn't any more fair, what is less fair if it's possible, is how I am now thinking about comparing her with Kennedy.

It's not that I'm equating the importance of what I have with Kennedy to what Dani and Garrett had and/or have. Because theirs is love.

But you know what? I know for myself that this is love for Kennedy I'm feeling, too, no matter how long we've been friends. A little over two weeks; that's how long I've known Kennedy.

And a little over I'm guessing 3 years; that's how long Garrett and Dani've known each other. I won't even stop to try to put out an argument by saying that there was that major 3-year gap because of their breakup. They got back together. They're together now and that's what matters.

I'm sure that if Garrett asked Dani her own question, with him as the subject, Dani would yell out a "No!" within a half second. What I'm not sure about, heck, I don't have a clue, is what she would answer if I were the subject.

Then the answer slaps me in the face. It's so obvious. I realize that had I pinned the question on her, she would answer with a yes.

A big, fat "Yes."

As she makes it seem, she was fine without me. She says it would've been better if I were with her, if she were there for me.

But the truth is: She was fine. Whether or not she knows it.

I hate it, how I always revert back into this mindset, the mindset that she doesn't give a fuck.

I want to believe she does.

But she makes me feel like she doesn't, and so far, no one has told me otherwise.

And now, I understand her.

Why she thinks I don't care.

It's because I'm not making her feel like I do. And no one has told her otherwise.

I realize I've fixed the deck of playing cards.

It's arranged now. 1 to 10, Jack, Queen, King. Spade, Diamond, Club, Heart. In one organized deck.

It took me a stupid deck of cards to finally realize what I should do, what I should've done when this tour started. Whether I was ready for it or not, it was what I should've done.

Damn it, I'm coming clean.

I'm done. I'm done pretending.

Before my head even tries to defend my wrong values by saying that it basically wasn't pretending because I wasn't falsifying any vital information, rather, I was keeping it withheld from the knowledge of everyone, I make up my mind.

I practice what I'm going to say even though they're 5 simple words, one of which is her name. "Dani, you have a nephew."