I'm Anything You Want Me To Be.

"Garrett." I watch him plump down next to me as I set the last card in the deck. Now it's organized. Again.

He looks over at what I'm doing. "You didn't sleep." As he says this, that huge smile I saw on his face when he entered the area fades off.

"Not much of a surprise now, is it, Garrett?" It's not like I needed anyone to tell me. I knew very well I've gone too many hours without sleep.

He shakes his head.

"Could you shuffle these for me?" I hand him the cards.

He wonders for a second, but he obliges nonetheless.

I spent yesterday where I'm sitting right now. With these cards, too. During the show, I insisted to stay alone in the bus. And when they came back, I refused to eat my dinner.

It was hard taking care of myself. All the more was it difficult taking care of Jay.

I didn't take care of myself, and I didn't take care of Jay. But thank God someone did take care of Jay. John was doing it pretty well, so I looked at it as taking a break.

Though a break would be mirrored to relaxing, I pretty much just fucked off.

And I'm still fucking off.

Day 18.

"Here you go." he says as he hands it back to me. "Did Kennedy give those to you?"

"He lent them to me if that's what you're asking,"

"Did he tell you those are mine?"

"Yup."

"Well, don't tell me you spent the entire night playing with those,"

"Then I won't." I mumble as I get started on rearranging the cards again. "I did spend yesterday playing with these,"

"You told me you'd be okay,"

"I told you I was trying." I correct him.

But really, it was no use trying.

Everything I realized just scared me. Hurt me, even. But mostly scared me. Because so much was uncertain.

If I tell Dani, she would either call me a dumb whore, or accept it. Or she would disown me as her sister and disown Jay as her nephew, or she would welcome us. Or she would kill me, or she just wouldn't care.

And the realization about Dani lead me to another. If I told John Jay was his. He would either tell me to fuck off, that he doesn't care, or he would oblige to the responsibility of being Jay's father.

And the realization about John lead me to another. If I told Nick it was John. How would he react? Or feel? He's been friends with John longer than he's known me, what the fuck would that mean to their friendship? Nick swore that if he ever found "that jerk" who left me, he wasn't gonna let it pass-- It's just really.. Well, confusing isn't the right term. The best way to put it is: It's fucking me up, thinking this way.

No wonder I started smoking. I'm scared of my thoughts.

I'm not used to running towards my thoughts, my problems like this. I've been so used to running away. Shutting them out. Well, in this case, shutting them in (my head.)

I sat there silently the entire day, not minding anyone and everyone that tried to talk to me.

Dani seemed okay because Garrett was always around and he made sure she was never alone. So I guess that's that.

I'm not so sure if I can say the same with myself.

It doesn't matter, this is just the way things are, and this is the way things will always be. I'm always going to be alone. Well, not alone. My thoughts are with me. They're terrible company, but they're company nonetheless.

"Where's Dani?" I ask instead, telling myself to get over the things in my brain for a moment.

"She's sleeping,"

"She's gonna get so pissed when she wakes up alone," I tell him.

"Were you pissed when you woke up alone?" Garrett asks in turn.

"What do you mean," I reply, not really thinking about it.

"When John left you, did you get pissed?"

I pause my play and look up at Garrett, to see him waiting intently for an answer. "I never told you John left me."

"You weren't surprised when I deduced you slept with John, why are you so surprised now?"

"Did John sleep around that much," I laugh. "That you'd expect it from him?"

"He didn't sleep around as much as people thought he did." Garrett shrugs. "Though he did like to party."

"Sure he did." I affirm.

"So what have you been thinking about," Garrett taps my cards.

"Telling Dani."

"About?"

"Jay."

"What about John?"

"He can wait."

Garrett nods. "Are you sure?"

"I've thought it out for hours, I think maybe I am." I frown and put the cards down. "What do you think?"

"I don't think I'm relevant enough to tell you what I think about it--"

"But you're important enough." I counter.

Garrett purses his lips, then a smile forms on them. "I told you: No pressure."

Before I ask another question, I smile back at him. "How do you think she's gonna take it?"

"I don't know. I really don't know. But I am so happy you're ready to tell her." he moves closer to me and holds my face in his hands. "I am so proud of you!" he exclaims as he rubs his nose on mine.

"What are you doing," I giggle.

"It's called a nose kiss, silly!" He pulls away. "I'm just.. You know, I'm so glad you're ready."

"Sure, I'm ready to tell her, but is she ready to listen?"

"She'll hear what you have to say whether she likes it or not." he then says. "Though I hope she takes it well.. Even if she doesn't, you have my full support on this. Then maybe you can tell John--"

"Garrett.."

"Then things will finally clear up and--"

"Garrett, stop." I cover his hand with my mouth. It reminds me of that night I had to shut him up by pinning him against the wall. I almost laugh, but I get back to what I'm stopping him for. "You can't put those things in my head. I'll get hurt when they turn out the other way." It's odd that I'm saying these things to Garrett. But there really is something about him that makes me dead honest.

"They won't turn out the other way." Garrett assures me. "Or at least I hope not. Iann,"

"Garrett--"

"Are you scared?"

"Very."

"Don't be." His smile expresses such genuine support, I can't help thinking that maybe things will be alright.

When someone's this supportive, you might not want to let them go. Though with Garrett, I'm sort of in the mindset that I'll have to let him go either way. Because if things go bad, hell, I know I'm not going to get to keep him because someone's gonna need him more than I will. I mean Dani.

"Garrett,"

"It's okay. No pressure. Really. If there's anything I've learned from.. Well, my entire life.. Things tend to work out better when you ease into them. When you don't just dive right in."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Which is why you shouldn't feel bad for taking your time for this."

"Thanks." I mumble into his shoulder after I take the hug he offers.

"When are you gonna tell her?" he asks without letting me go.

"The next time I see her," I decide right then.

"Should I wake her up?"

"No," I pull back. "You should go sleep with her,"

After a couple of seconds, when a blush creeps up on his face, I realize what else what I just said could've meant.

"I mean go back to sleep." I laugh.

He chuckles and gets up. "Might just do that."

"Garrett," I stop him just as he's about to leave. I don't know why I'm about to ask this, but I can't stop myself. "Have you and Dani..?"

Garrett's face becomes redder.

I don't expect an answer from him anymore, but he answers my question with one of his own. "What would you say if.. If we have?"

I shrug. "Good job tappin' that."

Garrett bursts into legitimate laughter now. "You can't say those things about your sister!"

"Say what about me?" Dani's sleepy voice then joins us.

I turn to the entrance and there she is with her messy morning hair, rubbing her eyes. "Not you." I stick my tongue out at her. I'm about to spit out "You're not my sister anymore, remember?!" when I remember just what I was planning on telling her. I can't afford to have her in a bad mood because I know I can't put her in what she's already in when I tell her.

"Good morning, beautiful," Garrett had ceased his chuckling and greets Dani. He's pulling her in when Dani pushes him off.

"Stop, I have morning breath," she whines.

"I'm not complaining," Garrett kisses her anyway.

"Aw man, I love you." Dani seems be whining still.

"Aw man," Garrett mocks. "Love you too."

I sit here awkwardly and continue playing with the cards till they stop being all mushy. Though I must admit, they are pretty cute. I wonder what they were like then, you know, when Dani wasn't telling me so many years ago. If she were telling me those things, those little moments like this one between the two of them.

"Were you talking about me?" Dani asks Garrett quietly.

Garrett shakes his head. "Why are you up?"

"You left your phone in the bunk and it started ringing." Dani brings Garrett's phone out. "Sorry you missed the call,"

Garrett takes his phone. "It's okay," he says as he looks at the contact. "Oh shit, it's Trey,"

"You should go call him back." Dani tells him.

"Yeah," Garrett slowly starts eloping out of the bus to get better reception, I'm guessing. As he passes me, he leans down and tells me "Good luck."

I don't ask what it's for because I know.

I told him I was telling Dani the next time I see her.

And there she is.

"Thanks," I say to Garrett.

Garrett leaves and I put the cards down.

"Hey." I look at Dani. "Morning,"

That silly grin Garrett put on her face is still there. And her mood's still on. I wouldn't wanna ruin it. "Morning," she says back.

Her smile starts to get plastered off when I ask her to sit with me. Then it's completely gone by the time she's a foot away from me.

I'm about to start and make a simple introduction, with my mouth already hanging open, when she stops me.

"Listen. Before you say anything,"

"What,"

"The car accident.. It wasn't your fault."

"I know." I say. "But with Mom blaming me all the time, it was hard not to believe that it was my fault."

"What did Dad do?" she asks me informatively. "What did he do before the truck skidded us?"

"He told you to make sure I was wearing my seat belt." I mumble. It's always so painful recalling that moment but I would never forget.

"Why did he do that,"

"Because he knew I was always forgetting to put on my seat belt back there." I answer.

"Do you remember what was going on when the car started tolling over?"

"I kept screaming."

"You kept screaming." she repeats.

"So,"

"Do you know Dad was talking to me then?"

"No, he wasn't--"

"That's because he was screaming too. You thought he was screaming because he was scared? Like you were? Wrong. He was screaming at me, telling me to make sure your seat belt was on."

"That's not true."

"The last thing Dad told me was Take care of Riannon."

"You're making that up."

"And the last thing I heard him say was I love you. to Mom."

"Stop making those things up--"

"No, I'm not." Dani says. It amazes me that she's still composed, because I know that hearing these things is killing me. "I'm not making these things up."

"Why are you telling me this now,"

"Because I let Dad down. I was supposed to take care of you but--"

"But what?"

"I bailed out." Dani admits after seconds. "I bailed out. And I let you down. And I let Dad down. And I let Mom down, and I'm letting everyone down."

"What are you trying to say,"

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

Anyone can tell by the way she gulps and chokes the words out that she's having trouble saying them. It's as if they were the hardest things to say in the world. She had no problem yelling them out the other night in haste and angst.

"I mean it this time." she mumbles. And that explains why you can obviously tell she's trying not to fuck up those easy words.

We sit next to each other awkwardly. We don't speak.

I wonder if she's expecting me to tell her it's okay, or forgive her. I can't believe she's kept Dad's last words all to herself these years.

Somehow, though, I can't bring myself to be mad at her. Because the thought of me being in my dad's last concerns stops every other emotion.

And the only thing I feel is love.

That's for one minute.

And then the next minute, everything crashes around. It's all just stirring inside my chest, I have no idea which I should let take over since they all want to.

What was I supposed to tell Dani? Oh, right, that she has a nephew.

And here he comes now with his father.

"Hey, Jay." I bend over to pick him up and seat him on my lap.

John looks at us. But he asks Dani "Are you okay?"

"If you could give us a minute, John," I say. He could've stayed away, I'm pretty sure this area between me and Dani is leaking with negative energy. But since he's here, I'll just tell him off.

"Oh." John starts to take Jay from me when I stop him.

"It's okay, John, you can leave him."

"Iann.."

"It's okay," I quietly reassure him.

He stops just as he's pulling away from me. "You're crying.."

"It's okay, John." I say again. "It's okay."

"Okay." John gives in. "And I care about you." he reminds me. "Okay?"

I take a deep breath. "Okay."

"I'll talk to you later." he says before he leaves.

That was random, really. But I'm not going to look for excuses to skip telling Dani what I have to tell her.

"So Dani," I try to smile at her. "This is Jay."

"Yeah?"

I just come right out with it. "He's your nephew."