I'm Anything You Want Me To Be.

John waits for me to get up.

Somehow, I find myself not making him wait.

We both make our way to the counter again to retrieve our drinks.

"Thanks." John says in courtesy as he takes both of the cups from the barista.

"You're welcome." she says. "Hope you and your girlfriend enjoy the coffee--"

"Whoa there." I stop her. "His what?"

Her face then gets all shaded with the bright red of embarrassment. "Oh, sorry, I was just assuming--"

"You're not being paid to assume." I mutter loudly.

"I apologize for her, she's having a bad day." John says to the lady.

She nods. "Sorry."

"It's okay." John assures. "Thanks so much."

I guess that the bitch-move was uncalled for, but there's something in me that just can't take being mistaken for as some guy's girlfriend. It happens all the time with Nick, and I don't want it to start happening with John.

"Here," John hands me my coffee.

I look down at it and take the napkin covering it off.

He really did write it down. "The prettiest girl in the shop." it read.

A smile forms on my face even though I tell myself not to be affected. Why should I be, anyway?

"Now, unless you're Sir John, I'm thinking that coffee's for me."

I look up and see Halvo walking up to us.

"Oh, pretty girl," John taps his chin with his the side of his index finger. "You already had your coffee."

Halvo rolls his eyes at John and sets them on me. "You okay?"

"Nope," I reply, not really planning on lying since the obvious is right in front of him.

Halvo frowns. "You wanna go talk to Joel and the others? They're gonna love you."

"Yeah, keep your mind off things for a second." John agrees.

"Okay," I let Halvo take my wrist and we're off to their table.

"Hey, Iann!" Joel greets cheerfully.

"Hey, Joel." I mumble.

"Prettiest girl in the shop, huh?" He raises his eyebrows at John, then at me.

It still makes me jerk out a smile.

"That's sweet, John Ohh." Joel comments.

"You are the only one who still calls me John Ohh." John complains. "I thought we were over that,"

"Aw, you know you'll always be stupid John Ohh to me," Joel responds. He had seated himself and has Jay on his lap now. "You never told me about this kid." he says. The seriousness in his voice can't even be detected because he's masking it up as kid-friendly.

You know, that tone a voice turns every time they're talking to or around a kid. That high-pitched voice that should, but doesn't annoy anyone.

"What?" John sips from his coffee.

"This kid," Joel repeats.

"I don't--"

"Dani?"

I stop raising my cup to my mouth as my sister's name is called. There's always this weird tendency for me to respond to Dani's name even though I know how I feel about it.

The unfamiliar voice immediately makes itself familiar to me. "Here we go," I mutter under my breath, knowing just what is about to happen.

"Who's Dani?" Joel laughs. "Trey, you turd--"

"Okay," John cuts him off, knowing I'm starting to get uncomfortable. "Iann, this is Trey, he's Garrett's brother, yadda yadda yadda, and Trey," He turns to him. "This is Iann, she's Dani's twin sister--"

"She has a twin sister?"

"Can we skip this," I plea under my breath. I hold onto John's forearm and bury my face in his shoulder.

"Sorry." Trey immediately apologizes.

The genuineness in Trey's voice makes me want to joke about it. "No need. I get it a lot anyway."

"She never--"

"Told you? She never told anyone." I quietly say.

"Did Garrett know?"

"Nope,"

"I think it's cool." Trey says.

Joel shakes what Trey had said off. "How do you know her?"

"I didn't.. I knew her sister, apparently." Trey answers.

Joel shrugs. "Anyway, Iann, you remember Sean and Alex. Ryan's..." He looks around for the one he hasn't reminded me of yet. "In the restroom," he guesses.

"Hey," I simply greet.

They respond with nods and smiles.

"Do you wanna go back to the bus?" John whispers to me.

I nod into his shoulder.

"We'll get going." John announces. His arm wraps around my waist then he leads me off, making sure I don't really have to put some effort into looking up or making my own way since I'm following his.

When we get to the bus, he lets go of me and introduces me to the walkway up the stairs, into the bus. "Ladies first," he says.

I shake my head with a giggle. "It's okay, you go on."

And he does go on though. I like how he wouldn't insist.

I stay in the walkway as he disappears into the bus. I sip some of my cold coffee then I start following him.

But then I hear what I think would be the sound of coffee falling to the bus floor, then I hear a thump.

The surprise almost fades, but it's replaced with fear when I hear it:

Nick's voice.

I don't understand what he's saying.

But I've been friends with him for too long for me not to be able to recognize that tone.

Anger.

It scares me so much.

He would always scream at someone that way in his phone. He would do it just outside his bedroom door and I'd have to bury my head in my pillow so I don't hear. And when I know he's done, I'd pretend to be asleep. And he'd go back to sleep.

"Nick, what the hell!" John yells.

I hear Nick yell something back but I know he hasn't stopped.

And he's not going to stop.

So I find that I have to do something.

But the moment I show myself to Nick, he takes my coffee and bashes it down.

"Nick, what the hell!" I yell, following the lead John didn't even know he was putting out.

"You listen to me, Riannon." Nick grits.

"Nick--"

I've developed some sort of anticipation. The kind I utilize when I know someone's about to hit me. It's almost a defense mechanism.

Although it serves me no good at this moment because the only person I though would never hurt me this way has his palm up right now, and I know telling him not to hit me wouldn't work.

For a split second, my head starts to fabricate pain because of so much anticipation but it all drains out of my system when John says "Don't you fucking dare, Nick."

My heartbeat's at a dangerous rate, I believe, and before I'm aware, I start crying again.

John's warning doesn't stop Nick though.

And I swear, I could hear his hand swift through the cramped air in this bus as his hand starts building up an impact on my face.

But after another split second, I don't feel it.

Nick realizes what he'd almost done to me.

But that's after he realizes what he wanted so bad to do to me, he did to John.

As I opened my eyes and saw John standing right in front of me, cushioning what was supposed to be my beating, taking for himself what was clearly meant for me.

I can't say anything now. My mouth has literally gone dry, my tongue is tied, my throat is lumped..

For a second, we're all quiet.

I don't know how Nick even managed to even attempt to do that to me.

How could he.

I can't stand to look at him right now.

So I don't.

I stare at the back of John's neck as he stands so still as well.

Then Nick says to John "Fuck you."

This is the last thing I hear him say after he exits the way I just came in.

Then I start to cry harder.

But I am so tired of hearing myself sob like this. So I cover my mouth with my palm and try to shut myself up.

More than anything, I'm angry at myself.

I'm so tired of feeling like this. I'm so tired of letting people get to me, whether or not they matter.

"Iann, can you tell me something?" John asks calmly and quietly.

"What?" I reply, trying so desperately to stop the shaking in my voice.

"You need to tell me the truth."

"What truth," I mumble.

He turns around, sighing heavily. "You know."

"And so do you,"

"Iann, cut the bullshit." All of a sudden, he doesn't care about upsetting me.

Probably because he knows I already am upset and there is no more upsetting me because of what Nick just had almost done.

"Why the fuck did I just get jumped by Dani and why did Nick just almost hit you--"

"Stop playing dumb." I then reply coldly. He's not afraid of upsetting me?

I'm not afraid of upsetting him.

"I'm not playing dumb." John says.

But I don't believe him.

Of course, he's playing dumb.

I'd given him all the clues, all signs point to the answer. It's right in front of them, he's just refusing to take it from anyone else if it isn't from me.

I am so sick of this now.

I had thought that things were going to turn better because Garrett put it in my head.

Am I right to be blaming him?

I don't care, trying to do the right thing's only gotten me in so much trouble.

And doing what isn't right will only also get me in more trouble.

Maybe I should do nothing.

Nothing sounds so good right now.

I look at John and smile at him. "Well, I'm not telling you anything."

He smiles back. Smirks, even. He puts his hands on my hips and pulls me closer. "Talk."

I am somewhat finding the difficulty to understand his ability to do these things. Swinging the mood.

It's never easy but I'm able to pull it off. Watching someone else do it confuses me, though. Especially that someone being John.

"How about I kiss you instead?" I grab him by the collar of his shirt and drag the both of us to a wall.

He gets the sense to push me against it. And he sets his lips at a small distance from mine. "What?"

"Too suggestive?" I ask.

He raises his eyebrows after he glances down at my lips. He shrugs and moves in to kiss me.

I take it willingly and gladly because it was my suggestion.

How is this even happening?

Are we drunk on coffee? Was it the cigarettes? Is it the lack of sleep?

I push him off just hard enough to jerk his lips off mine.

"Not enough." John runs his tongue through his upper lip. "So talk."

I shake my head. "I hate you."

"Ah, you hate me." John pulls away now, to my, I must admit, dismay.

"Yup, I hate you."

"Well, I hate you, too."

"You don't have a fucking valid reason to hate me--"

"Yes, I do." he answers. "I hate you because you're perfect--"

"That is invalid and false, John." I shake my head again.

This is pointless. This is meaningless.

This will lead to nowhere.

I turn away from him and pick up the cups of coffee that had emptied their contents onto the floor.

"No, talk to me."

I'd started treading out when he tugs on my shirt.

When I face him, he grabs the cups from my hands and throws them down again. "Don't try to run from me."

"I'll try what I want to." I tell him in a quite defiant tone.

"Don't try this one." he warns. Not even half-jokingly.

I'm not scared. Not of John, at least.

I roll my eyes and pick the cups up again before making my way to the kitchen. I toss them into a bin and I get a washcloth from the sink.

He follows me wherever I go.

And I purposely avoid him. I don't know whether just for fun or for my own good. But either way, it's amusing watching him get frustrated like this.

I think I spend a good 5 minutes cleaning up the mess Nick made.

And then I spend another 5 minutes rinsing through the cloth.

And I spend a good 15 minutes walking around, doing random things, just to watch John follow me.

It gets annoying though.

I don't know what's going on in my head anymore. I don't understand.

All of a sudden, I don't want John following me anymore. I don't want him around.

I guess he can't take it either because now he's stopping me and firming himself up.

"Stop." John grabs my forearm. "Stop running from me, Iann, I want the truth."

And I want him to shut up and let it go. He's not ready to face the fucking truth. And if I tell him now, he still wouldn't take it.

"And I want you to just fuck off." I scowl and shake his hand off.

"What the fuck is wrong with you, Iann?! I haven't done a Goddamn thing to you since three years ago, will you quit living in the past?"

This is when I slap him, full-force, making sure he's going to have to explain why there are finger marks on his cheek.

He had completely no right to say that he hadn't done a Goddamn thing to me since three years ago. He had done so much since our little uncalled-for reunion.

He'd made me so angry that I wanted to cry, he'd made me so smiley that I thought my jaw would break.. And just a while ago, he'd made me want him bad.

He now knows I'm offended. He stops.

And maybe he'd realized also that he was wrong.

But it doesn't stop my rage.

"I can't fucking believe you, John."

"Yeah? I can't believe you either." he says in a harsh tone. "You're a bitch."

I don't blame him for calling me a bitch. Truly, I am one. I am such a bitch that I'd given everyone who's ever cared about me a reason to give up on the fuck up everyone calls "Iann."

But I hate having the truth rubbed in my face.

"I know, right?" I reply sarcastically. "I know! But if I'm such a bitch, then why are you trying to make me stay, why the fuck do you want the truth from me, smartass?!"

"Because." That's all John manages to answer.

Of course. He's never been the best with his mouth. He's never been good with his words. Not in an argument, anyway.

And he knows there is absolutely no way he could turn this around.

I am literally just reaching out and around in the dark. Now, I don't know what I'm doing.

But I've lost everyone. In not so long from now, this tour will be over.

And I'd have no excuse to stick around with these people who aren't my friends.

I stare at this lyrical genius for a second, and I finally notice that his green eyes had brimmed with water.

No. He can't be crying. I couldn't have made him cry.

Not him. Not me.

There is no way that I, Riannon Jones, could've made the incredible John Ohh cry.

I know for a fact that he's stronger than this. That he could be more composed than this.

Is he choosing to let go?

Too much is happening now.

I want this to stop.

All of this. Even just for a couple of minutes.

But we spend forever being quiet.

I don't know how I'm feeling, and I don't know what he's thinking. What the heck is going on?

"This is ridiculous." I say to break the silence.

"I agree." John sighs. "I'm.. I'm sorry, Iann."

I don't even acknowledge it.

It takes me another second to realize how I'm feeling. And it's crazy.

Now I'm overwhelmed with the feelings of anxiety, guilt, sadness, anger. I can't even tell which is which.

He brings out his pack of smokes and sets them on the table as he sits down.

I take it.

As I start walking out, I look back at him, and there, he quietly sits. He won't stop me.

And I wouldn't let him anyway.