I'm Anything You Want Me To Be.

It's Day 20. I haven't gone out of this bunk.

Not to pee, not to do anything.

I have my chips here.. My beer's running low, though. But I still have an entire bottle of water.

No need to fret.

I've been getting a lot of text messages from Garrett.

One asking me if I were okay.. Then around 20 others asking me why I haven't replied.

It's annoying, actually. But it's the good kind of annoying, the kind of annoying I don't mind.

Besides, I know it's my fault that he won't get off my back. If I just reply, he'd stop. But I'm not replying.

The entire bus has been buzzing around with why I'm hiding in my bunk. Why Trey wants Garrett to break up with Dani.

Word gets around fast. I guess it's because they're all friends here.

I feel my phone vibrate. I respond to this by bringing it up to my face.

And yet, here, we have another text message from Garrettzz.

"Last show's cancelled. We're going home."

This makes me spit it out loud. "What?!"

Then I get another text from him. "You got my text."

"Of course I did." I mumble aloud. "I always do."

Then he replies verbally now. "Then why don't you reply?"

"Too lazy." I reply now, also. "Why are you in Dani's bunk?" I question, knowing exactly where I'm hearing his voice.

"She went with John and Pat to buy some more beer. Someone took the last bottle."

"It wasn't me, there were like, three bottles left."

"We also ran out of chips."

"There were three bags left.."

"John wants to know if you're okay."

"No shit," I do an eye-roll even though for sure Garrett couldn't tell.

"He's really worried."

"I don't need him worrying." I say. In fact, I don't need him at all. "Tell him I'm fine the next time he asks."

"Oh, yeah. It'll be 'Hey, Garrett, is Iann alright?' 'Yeah, John, she just hates your guts.'"

"I don't see what's off with that."

"Do you really hate him?"

"What?"

"You. Do you really hate John or are you forcing yourself to feel that way?"

"What the hell are you talking about, Garrett--"

"Nothing."

"You haven't answered my question." I realize. "What are you doing in Dani's bunk?"

"Nothing."

No more use in interrogating. We all know how Garrett is.

I ask of him this. "Update me on the outside world, will you?"

"Okay," he sighs. "I told Dani Trey wants me to break up with her. I also told her it isn't gonna happen. Kennedy's still pissed and rolls his eyes every time I try to bring you up.. But I still think he cares. Let's see.. Nick. He's also mad at you."

"Typical--"

"But he's more mad at John."

"Carry on."

"John's taking really good care of Jay though."

"That's great."

"You haven't told him, have you?"

"Told him what?"

"What he needs to hear."

"What is it that he needs to hear?"

"The truth, iann."

"Right." I was so close to getting sucked into this with Garrett. I was so ready to talk, because I didn't know what he was about to say. But now that I've gotten a straight answer, I don't care again. "John wants the truth."

"But you're not talking." Garrett points out.

"Yup."

"Okay."

"Yeah."

"No pressure."

"Right."

"Turns out yesterday was our last date, so we get this day off."

"Any plans?"

"We're all going over to Pat's. All of us."

"All of us--"

"Don't even ask, you know you're coming along."

"Okay."

"So you're just staying there till we get back to AZ, right?"

"Right."

There isn't much to talk about at this point. I try to shave off as many hours in this bunk as possible.

I take frequent gulps of either beer or water, take frequent bites of my chips.

There isn't much to think about at this point.

All thoughts lie at dead ends to me now.

Kennedy doesn't want to be my friend anymore.

Dani's done trying.

John's forcing to convince himself he cares.

Nick's basically mad.

And I'm... Not okay.

I know I've been in this mindset forever since this tour started. The mindset that this is clearly nowhere close to what I'd expected after being invited to be with my best friends. That where I am is no more than a pleasant than anything I've ever been through.

But there's no looking back, no turning around, no chances to undo anything.

So I close my eyes.

I'm so over this.

Hours pass.

And I wake up to the sound of Jared angrily hissing at Nick.

"Yeah, I get it, but why do you have to take Jay with you?"

"I already told you, Jared--"

"Nick!"

"I don't have to explain anything to you."

"Yeah?" Jared uses a tone that expresses his doubt on whatever Nick thinks he's doing.

I don't see what he does next coming, though.

My bunk curtain flies open, it's tail caught in Jared's hand.

He doesn't speak to me, though. He continues his engagement with Nick in the conversation. "May I remind you that you have no authorized or legal custody of that child--"

"Jared, don't be stupid." Nick says.

"But I'm right, Nick. If you take that kid without Iann's permission, you're--"

I can't stop myself from doing it as I get out of my bunk. "Jared, stop."

Jared takes my request. Then he moves away from the scene.

I turn to Nick now. He's furious.

"Where are you taking Jay--"

"He's coming with me, Iann--"

"Nick--"

"You're staying with John."

"John?" I repeat. I can't hold back the anger I feel. It's just a spur of the moment, this anger I'm feeling right now. I'm aware. But I can't hold it back!

And John. Out of everyone else he knows I'm going to be with: Jared, Kennedy, Pat, Garrett.. Even Dani; He had to say John.

"I don't understand, where are you going?"

"I don't know, home?!" he sarcastically replies. "Home! And I'm taking Jay with me--"

"Why?!"

"Because he can't be around you right now!"

"Why can't Jay be around me right now?! Why--"

"Because I can't even stand to be in the same room with you!"

"Well, why Jay?!" I ask, even though the only thing I really need to hear right now is why he doesn't want to be with me.

"Because you need to figure shit out."

"What shit--"

"Figure your life out, Iann! God, if you can't see how much fucking up you've done, how much you need to fix--"

"Let me tell you, Nick, I know exactly how fucked up my life is right now, please don't rub it in--"

"Oh, just because you know I'm fucking in love with you--"

"That doesn't have to do with anything!"

"Oh, it doesn't?" Nick counters. "It doesn't have to do with anything, the fact that I'm in love with you? My sincere apologies, Riannon. You're right."

"Nick,"

"Why didn't you tell me about John?" he asks now, using calm, yet angst-filled voice.

"Nick,"

"Why. Didn't. You. Tell me?!"

"Nick, you're my best friend--"

"Oh, am I?!" he yells in question. "Am I really?!"

"Yes, Nick, now stop yelling--"

"No!"

"Nick--"

"You listen to me, Riannon. We're going home. That excludes you, Iann. Justin, Halvo, Andrew and I are going home. And we're taking Jay with us. They're dropping us off." He allows a couple of seconds for me to see his suitcase which is standing right next to him. "You're going to stay here and drive back with them to AZ. There, you're gonna fix your life--"

"Nick, don't do this to me."

"I have to."

"But you're my best friend--"

The last statement I made sparked it up again. "I'm your best friend!" he emphasizes. "I'm your best friend! Exactly, Iann, exactly! I'm your best friend--"

"Nick, I love you--"

"And I love you too, Iann! And I'm fucking in love with you! But I don't understand why you didn't tell me--"

"Nick, because I'm in love with you too--"

"But we're best friends!"

"You don't think I realize that?!"

"No, Iann, no, I don't! And you don't fucking understand--"

"Nick--"

"Don't you get it, Iann?!"

"Nick--"

"It doesn't fucking matter that I'm in love with you right now, Riannon. It doesn't! It doesn't matter if I fell in love with you three years ago, it doesn't matter if I fell in love with you yesterday, and it definitely wouldn't matter if I just woke up today thinking 'Hey, I think I'm in love with my best friend!' No, Iann, we're fucking best friends and it hurts me that you didn't tell me that your mom was abusive, why you had a huge problem with The Maine, and that you slept with one of my friends!"

"To be fair, I didn't know the last one either." I mumble quietly.

"Get your head out of your ass, Iann, you had three weeks to tell me but you didn't say a word--"

"Because I knew you'd get mad--"

"Well what you knew was wrong, Iann, if you told me, if I didn't find out like this, I wouldn't have gotten mad! I would've tried to understand, I don't get why you'd even think that--"

"Nick--"

"No, shut up." he looks down, probably somehow exhausted after what he'd just said.

"Nick.."

"We're taking Jay with us because Dani might end up hurting him. It was Kennedy's idea."

As much as I don't want to believe that Dani could even think about hurting Jay, I know she has her tendencies. And apparently, so does Kennedy.

I'm surprised he had this idea though. He would've known that I would almost instantly refuse not being with Jay. But he also would've known that if I knew this was for Jay's good, I'd oblige.

"And you can't afford any distraction right now." Nick says with a sigh. He knows what he just said could offend me, because I never look at Jay as a plain distraction. But he had said it anyway because he wants me to understand that I truly cannot afford to have anything else on my mind. "We'll take care of Jay. We promise. And we can assure you that he'll be alright when you get back."

I find myself nodding slowly.

"For now, we're gonna trust Ken and the others to take care of you."

"The others.. Does that exclude John?"

"No. I made him promise he's going to take care of you, too."

"Nick.."

"You have to figure this shit out, Iann. Otherwise, you're gonna hurt everyone."

"As if I haven't already--"

"Well, you can't keep hurting everyone. And this is for the best." Nick tells me.

"But I need you, you can't leave me."

"I have to." Nick says, reaching to his suitcase. He turns around and starts dragging his luggage with him.

"Wait, Nick, please." I don't know what I'm stopping him for. I've already clung onto his wrist, he'd already stopped in his track, waiting for me to say whatever else I had to say.

Then it comes to me when he turns around.

He'd left me over and over and over, but I never felt this off about it. Because I knew he was coming back for me.

This time, I'm strangely unsure.

"You're leaving me."

"Yeah." he says and starts getting at exiting again.

Then I just feel my heart break.

I'm being left again. And by Nick this time.

The moment I start crying, I force Nick back and give him a quick kiss on the lips. "Thanks. Bye."

Before I see the expression he has while he's on the verge of really leaving, or how he reacts to this, I've already turned my back at him and started walking in the opposite direction.

I am not going to watch my best friend leave me.

I've gone back to the bunks. I reach into mine and take my bottle of beer, taking the last few gulps of it, and needing more.

I remember Garrett saying earlier today that they went to get some more, so I make my way to the refrigerator and grab one off the plastic shelves immediately.

"Iann, Iann, calm down on that--"

The bottle's pulled away from my mouth and it's taken from my hand, some beer pouring onto the side of my cheek.

"I told them not to get any more beer!" Jared mutters. He looks at me. "Why are you crying?" he asks in a monotonous tone. I can't tell if he's concerned or just wondering.

I shake my head, refusing to answer now. I'm just going to sleep. I don't want to talk to anyone.

Before I even start my way back, a voice immediately stops me.

"Ma."

When I turn to the direction of his voice, I see him, being carried by Halvo, and Andrew's with them.

"He wanted to say goodbye." Halvo says as he puts Jay down.

I crouch down as Jay runs to me.

He kisses my cheek as soon as he's in my arms. And then he starts crying.

"Jay, Jay, Jay." I pull back a little and kiss his forehead. "No, please stop crying."

This doesn't calm him down at all and he starts sobbing into my shirt after I hug him again.

"It's gonna be okay, Halvo and Andrew are gonna take care of you. I'll be back, promise. I just have to figure things out. I just need to settle things." I say as if he understood any of those words.

"I love you." he mumbles. /l/ as /w/.

"John taught it to him." Andrew tells me, knowing I'm surprised Jay said that.

"I love you too." I reply to Jay and hug him one more time. I pull back and kiss him over and over, very proud he's picked the words up. "I love you, I love you, I love you." I say over and over, too.

He'd stopped crying now.

I pick him up and hand him to Halvo.

As soon as Halvo starts walking away, I start to think about just keeping Jay with me, not thinking about how selfish I'm being.

And I start to follow Halvo to stop him, but a firm hand wraps around my wrist. I didn't even notice Andrew's gone to my side already.

"He'll be okay." Andrew says to me.

"I know." I mumble back.

"We'll see you." Andrew lets go of me and follows Halvo.

I sit down in the front lounge and remain perfectly still after I break down.

The drive to AZ is on, everyone else is on the bus.

No one talks to me even after I've hidden out in my bunk. And I'm glad no one even tries.

When we get back to Phoenix, we empty the tour bus of everything.

We all get our suitcases in a van and we all start getting in it as well.

"Shotgun!" Garrett calls.

"No, I hate sitting with you up front!" John complains.

"Okay," Garrett, pretentiously offended, settles into the back with Dani.

Now no one is sitting with John and the main cargo's filled up.

I roll my eyes, knowing Garrett had it planned all along.

But I don't complain anymore about having to spend the drive with John. Instead, I stay absolutely absent.

He throws a couple of pathetic attempts at conversation with me, but interacting with John doesn't appeal to me. I take a nap instead.

Then we get to Pat's house.

Hanging out at the band room in Pat's house is a delight, I must say. They start jotting down ideas they've been having on tour.

But it isn't enough to distract myself on.

Then we have dinner with Pat's family, who, I must say, are hospitable as fuck. The meals are hearty, and so are the conversations. I choose not to engage in any of them. I sit there and silently eat whatever they give me in respect.

After this, everyone starts saying their goodbyes and see-you-in-two-days's.

Kennedy and Jared had left with Pat and Tim. They didn't say where they were going, but they all seemed pretty excited about spending the day-off together.

Soon, Dani, John, Garrett and I are the only ones left.

"Well, we'll get going." Garrett says to me and John, leading Dani off. "You take care of the van." he says to John.

John waves him off.

Garrett turns to me. "We're still on for tomorrow, alright? I'm spending the night with Dani and I'll just text you tomorrow, I'll come pick you up and we'll go. Okay?"

"Yeah." I mumble.

Dani and Garrett leave then.

John and I are seated on the curb. We spend a while here, staring at the van.

John turns to me now. "So..." He breaks the silence.

"So..." I repeat.

He holds his hand out and waits for me to take it. "Let's get fucked up."