Status: we'll see how this plays out
I'm Anything You Want Me To Be.
Vices
I would've fucked him right then and there, when he called himself a rule-breaker. And I knew that's what he wanted.
His voice was low and a little extra raspy, which made him sexy all the more. And his knees were at either sides of my hips, some of his hair fell to my face. And the way his lips teased my skin just drove me crazy.
Let me tell you, I would've fucked him right then and there.
But I had a little more self-control, and that's what drove him crazy.
"No sex in the bedrooms." I repeat Tim's rule and roll out from under him.
"Good girl," John taunts without any intention of offending me. He rolls onto his back and waits for me to leave him.
But I'm not leaving him all hot, high and dry. So I walk back to him and plant a soft kiss on his lips. "John,"
"What?"
"Make up your mind." I say, repeating what Dani had said, with a sigh.
He's about to answer.
But someone else at the door calls for him now. "John?"
"Hey, Garrett." John greets back, fixing himself up and eating his words.
"Can I talk to you," Garrett shyly asks.
"Of course!" John drags his feet off the bed and tells him to come sit with him.
Garrett slowly goes and I decide to leave the two of them to talk about whatever.
I try to look for Dani but I haven't familiarized myself around this place yet.
So I just go where my feet lead me.
Walking around for minutes, I lead myself outside and find myself seconds later in the small lounge outside a recording booth. It's about a couple hundred steps away from the house we're staying in.
Jared and Kennedy are inside, behind the glass, and you can see and hear what they're doing from where I am.
Jared seems completely focused on the riff he's trying to get right.
Kennedy's providing rhythm with his own guitar when he looks away from Jared and sees me.
Jared immediately pauses and sees what's got Kennedy's attention. Then he says "Hey, Iann!"
I reply. "Hey."
But they obviously don't hear me.
Jared points down somewhere and here I see a big keyboard of a bunch of knobs and buttons.
I press what button I think Jared is referring to and speak into the microphone. "Hey."
"There ya go!" Jared smiles at me.
"What'cha guys doin'?" I ask.
"We're trying to build up around something John started, you wanna hear it?"
"Sure?" I shrug and withdraw from the microphone.
Jared does a scale of disarranged notes and Kennedy accompanies him.
After he shows that they're finished, I speak into the microphone while holding it and say "Sounds kickass."
"Thank you!" Jared beams.
I roll my eyes at how adorable he is being and just decide to let them focus on what they're doing.
Then Jared speaks into the microphone that was directed to his guitar. "Wait, you haven't had breakfast, right?"
I shake my head, too lazy to go back to the microphone I just left. "Woke up late!" I mouth, making sure my lips are as readable as they can get.
"How does a P-B and J sandwich sound?" Jared hopes to serve me.
I sigh and walk back to the mic anyway. "I don't wanna disturb you guys."
"You already have," Kennedy says after taking Jared's mic.
I stare at him for a second. The tone of his voice deemed itself a little harsh to me. I know I'm offended because something about the way he just said that stung.
Then Kennedy sneezes and grabs a box of tissues from next to him and wipes his nose clean. He looks at me again and smiles with his red nose. "And besides, Jared makes a killer P-B and J."
Jared's grin grows wider being acknowledged by Kennedy. Then, assuming I've accepted the offer, he opens the doors that lead out of the studio booth and exits. Jared moves into my position and asks Kennedy "You want one?"
"I'm good." Kennedy politely turns down. "I'll be here if you need me."
"Later." Jared interlocks his arm with mine and we hop our way out to the house.
"Jeez, Jared, you're in a good mood today." I observe during our entire trip to the kitchen.
"It's just so refreshing to be back in studio again," he says with a smile. He makes me sit on a chair and brings out bread and the spreads out of the hanging cabinets. He puts them down on the counter and, without looking at me, asks "How are your knees?"
"Okay," I mumble.
"John told me what happened," Jared nonchalantly informs me.
"Oh, did he now?"
"Yeah."
"Well, go on, tell me I'm stupid."
"Hey, I wasn't gonna say that," He continues on making me my sandwich. "I was gonna say I'm amazed by how much like Dani you are."
"Isn't that kinda like the same thing?" I cross my legs, covering one of my knees though they are already hidden under the table.
"No way!" Jared exclaims and finishes my sandwich. He puts it on a plate and slides it across the table to the area in front of me. "Enjoy."
I start snacking immediately.
"Seriously though," Jared sits down with me. "Both of you are so prone to hurting yourselves. Gotta be more careful."
"I'll try to keep that in mind," I mumble with my mouth full.
"When I met Dani, I had no idea she had a sister like you."
"A sister like me?" I ask for an elaboration without minding my manners anymore.
"You know, someone who looks almost exactly like her."
"Oh," I shrug. "Well, that's what you expect from a person. Each person is unique, blah." I mock things I remember hearing in Ethics class.
"You're really giving John a hard time." Jared quietly says after a while.
"I don't see how John has anything to do with the situation." I reply.
"Of course, you don't." Jared shrugs. "And really, he shouldn't be having trouble but that dude's all complicated."
"You lost me." I just say to him.
He really has. I have no idea what he's talking about now, and how is John getting dragged into this mess anyway? How is he roped into this, what's going on with me and Dani? He's not.
Jared decides to just shut up. And he remains quiet as he watches me gobble up the rest of my meal. He gets me a glass of milk while he's at it, even offers to just let me drink from the carton.
But I opt to use a glass and take gulps there.
"Did you like it?" Jared asks as he starts to walk me back to the studio.
"Best P-B and J ever." I complement.
He slightly blushes at this, even though he knows I'm probably just saying it.
After I let him go on, I try to find my way back to the bedroom John and I slept in yesterday. I find I see my suitcase after I remember that I still have half a pack of smokes in there.
So I just casually walk in while John and Garrett are conversing but I try not to interrupt, and I try not to listen.
But when John realizes what I have in my hand as I'm walking out, he yells "Iann, wait!"
I slow myself down just enough to hear him excuse himself from Garrett and he starts to follow me.
But I start speeding up because I know he's just going to stop me.
When we get to the lot outside, he just.. Stands there.
And I just ignore him.
I've found myself a small box of matches and now I just use that to light my cigarette.
And halfway through my cigarette, John approaches me. He picks the stick out of my mouth and puts it off.
And he has me seated where I was earlier today with Pat. And he says "I want you."
I let out a light laugh.
"Don't," John scoots closer.
"You guys hate getting laughed at, huh?"
John shakes his head, making me drop that topic. He wants to continue with his previous statement. "I want to be with you."
"What are you talking about," I ask without seriousness.
John moves in, pausing at the closest he could get without actually kissing me. "Let me in."
"John,"
He closes the gap between our lips before I can say anything else. And he parts my lips with his own.
And I start to wonder what he's doing with his tongue, but then he pushes a toothpick onto mine. And he pushes himself away.
"I'm going to be with you." He takes the pack of my cigarettes and grabs my matches. Then he sets the entire thing on fire. A small fire, but a fire nonetheless.
After the fire dies down, he looks at me.
He kisses me one more time. After, he asks "Do you understand?"
No.
I don't understand at all.
But I don't say this.
"I wasn't fucking around when I told you people care about you. And I'm not fucking around now when I tell you that I care about you." He glances at the ashes.
And then I understand.
After this scene, which ends as he enfolds me in a warm hug and kisses my neck, as he pulls back and walks away, I decide to just distract myself again.
I find a quick solution.
I stay around Kennedy and Jared for a while. I spend it playing with the toothpick in my mouth. I roll it in between my teeth, flip it up with my lips.. Just keeping my mouth busy.
Kennedy keeps interrupting himself and the sounds he makes on his guitar when he sneezes. He's got a cold. A small fever, even.
I think it would be safe to conclude that he got that from jumping in the lake for Dani last night.
The next time Kennedy sneezes, Jared completely stops. "Ken, maybe you should go rest."
"I'm fine."
"Get some rest, Ken--"
"I'm fine!" Kennedy insists.
And both Jared and I can tell that Kennedy tries to stop it, but a sneeze escapes him again.
"Come on, Ken, get your rest." I stand up and start taking the guitar off his shoulders for him.
What makes it easy is the fact that he doesn't fight.
He lets me walk him back to the closest bedroom, which isn't really a room but a sectioned hall a little past the living room.. But I help him into bed.
"Should I get you an ice pack, you're starting to get a fever--"
"No," Kennedy takes that hand I put on his forehead to try to estimate his temperature. His body was over the average 37 degrees C.
"I think I should,"
"No." Kennedy closes his eyes. "I'm fine, and you think too much."
"Kennedy,"
"It's just a cold,"
"It's a fever--"
"It's just a cold." Kennedy says steadily. "I just need a nap, I'll be fine."
"Kennedy," I sigh.
"I hope you are okay--"
"I am--"
"What happened to your knees?"
"Ken--"
"What happened?"
"I jumped out of John's car."
"You and John, how are you?"
"What?"
"Are you past that it-was-just-sex thing?"
"Kennedy--"
"Admit it. Now." Kennedy demands.
"What? No--"
"I know you have feelings for John--"
"What?! Who are you, Garrett?!" I get up from Kennedy's side, frustrated, snatching my hand out of his grip.
I've had it with the teasing from Garrett, there is no way I would start taking it from Kennedy, too!
"He's John O'Callaghan! Those feelings are impossible to not reciprocate."
I hate that word. Reciprocate. It always reminds me of those terrible times in math. Reciprocals.
But I get slapped in the face by the word. "Reciprocate." We discussed the meaning of the word before we started the lesson.
Another word for it was interchange, return..
"R.. Reciprocate?"
Kennedy lets me figure it out on my own. "You're smart enough." he tells me.
"Fuck you, Kennedy, you're--"
"What was the last thing you tasted on his mouth?"
"Kennedy, we haven't been drunk in days--"
"I'm not asking that!"
"Kennedy--"
"What was the last thing you tasted on his mouth?"
"Nothing, unless you count a toothpick." I mumble, realizing the toothpick has been in the corner of my mouth for a while now.
"Alcohol?"
"None." I mutter. But I did just assault his mouth with nicotine.
"I knew that toothpick was from him." Kennedy asks for it as he holds out his hand.
I let him hold it while he clarifies that he doesn't mind it's wet with my saliva.
"See this," he points at the tip that's been hanging off my mouth. "John always nibbles on this part."
"Then why does he still smoke?"
"You brought it back to him, he was in the middle of quitting when you came on tour."
My heart sinks as I hear this.
It then makes me realize what I needed my cigarettes for.
I hated confronting my thoughts, I've always liked running away from them.. Have I given John enough thoughts he didn't want to confront, did I make him have thoughts he wanted to run away from? I'm responsible for John returning to his vices.
"I'm so sorry--"
"It doesn't matter now." Kennedy waves me over and he puts it back in between my teeth. "John needs you to be with him in this."
"That wouldn't work--"
"You don't know that."
"I--"
"You'll never know."
For a second, I wonder if we're still talking about this smoking business. But that's wiped out when Kennedy continues.
"You'll never know unless you take it there."
"Kennedy,"
"Take him there."
His voice was low and a little extra raspy, which made him sexy all the more. And his knees were at either sides of my hips, some of his hair fell to my face. And the way his lips teased my skin just drove me crazy.
Let me tell you, I would've fucked him right then and there.
But I had a little more self-control, and that's what drove him crazy.
"No sex in the bedrooms." I repeat Tim's rule and roll out from under him.
"Good girl," John taunts without any intention of offending me. He rolls onto his back and waits for me to leave him.
But I'm not leaving him all hot, high and dry. So I walk back to him and plant a soft kiss on his lips. "John,"
"What?"
"Make up your mind." I say, repeating what Dani had said, with a sigh.
He's about to answer.
But someone else at the door calls for him now. "John?"
"Hey, Garrett." John greets back, fixing himself up and eating his words.
"Can I talk to you," Garrett shyly asks.
"Of course!" John drags his feet off the bed and tells him to come sit with him.
Garrett slowly goes and I decide to leave the two of them to talk about whatever.
I try to look for Dani but I haven't familiarized myself around this place yet.
So I just go where my feet lead me.
Walking around for minutes, I lead myself outside and find myself seconds later in the small lounge outside a recording booth. It's about a couple hundred steps away from the house we're staying in.
Jared and Kennedy are inside, behind the glass, and you can see and hear what they're doing from where I am.
Jared seems completely focused on the riff he's trying to get right.
Kennedy's providing rhythm with his own guitar when he looks away from Jared and sees me.
Jared immediately pauses and sees what's got Kennedy's attention. Then he says "Hey, Iann!"
I reply. "Hey."
But they obviously don't hear me.
Jared points down somewhere and here I see a big keyboard of a bunch of knobs and buttons.
I press what button I think Jared is referring to and speak into the microphone. "Hey."
"There ya go!" Jared smiles at me.
"What'cha guys doin'?" I ask.
"We're trying to build up around something John started, you wanna hear it?"
"Sure?" I shrug and withdraw from the microphone.
Jared does a scale of disarranged notes and Kennedy accompanies him.
After he shows that they're finished, I speak into the microphone while holding it and say "Sounds kickass."
"Thank you!" Jared beams.
I roll my eyes at how adorable he is being and just decide to let them focus on what they're doing.
Then Jared speaks into the microphone that was directed to his guitar. "Wait, you haven't had breakfast, right?"
I shake my head, too lazy to go back to the microphone I just left. "Woke up late!" I mouth, making sure my lips are as readable as they can get.
"How does a P-B and J sandwich sound?" Jared hopes to serve me.
I sigh and walk back to the mic anyway. "I don't wanna disturb you guys."
"You already have," Kennedy says after taking Jared's mic.
I stare at him for a second. The tone of his voice deemed itself a little harsh to me. I know I'm offended because something about the way he just said that stung.
Then Kennedy sneezes and grabs a box of tissues from next to him and wipes his nose clean. He looks at me again and smiles with his red nose. "And besides, Jared makes a killer P-B and J."
Jared's grin grows wider being acknowledged by Kennedy. Then, assuming I've accepted the offer, he opens the doors that lead out of the studio booth and exits. Jared moves into my position and asks Kennedy "You want one?"
"I'm good." Kennedy politely turns down. "I'll be here if you need me."
"Later." Jared interlocks his arm with mine and we hop our way out to the house.
"Jeez, Jared, you're in a good mood today." I observe during our entire trip to the kitchen.
"It's just so refreshing to be back in studio again," he says with a smile. He makes me sit on a chair and brings out bread and the spreads out of the hanging cabinets. He puts them down on the counter and, without looking at me, asks "How are your knees?"
"Okay," I mumble.
"John told me what happened," Jared nonchalantly informs me.
"Oh, did he now?"
"Yeah."
"Well, go on, tell me I'm stupid."
"Hey, I wasn't gonna say that," He continues on making me my sandwich. "I was gonna say I'm amazed by how much like Dani you are."
"Isn't that kinda like the same thing?" I cross my legs, covering one of my knees though they are already hidden under the table.
"No way!" Jared exclaims and finishes my sandwich. He puts it on a plate and slides it across the table to the area in front of me. "Enjoy."
I start snacking immediately.
"Seriously though," Jared sits down with me. "Both of you are so prone to hurting yourselves. Gotta be more careful."
"I'll try to keep that in mind," I mumble with my mouth full.
"When I met Dani, I had no idea she had a sister like you."
"A sister like me?" I ask for an elaboration without minding my manners anymore.
"You know, someone who looks almost exactly like her."
"Oh," I shrug. "Well, that's what you expect from a person. Each person is unique, blah." I mock things I remember hearing in Ethics class.
"You're really giving John a hard time." Jared quietly says after a while.
"I don't see how John has anything to do with the situation." I reply.
"Of course, you don't." Jared shrugs. "And really, he shouldn't be having trouble but that dude's all complicated."
"You lost me." I just say to him.
He really has. I have no idea what he's talking about now, and how is John getting dragged into this mess anyway? How is he roped into this, what's going on with me and Dani? He's not.
Jared decides to just shut up. And he remains quiet as he watches me gobble up the rest of my meal. He gets me a glass of milk while he's at it, even offers to just let me drink from the carton.
But I opt to use a glass and take gulps there.
"Did you like it?" Jared asks as he starts to walk me back to the studio.
"Best P-B and J ever." I complement.
He slightly blushes at this, even though he knows I'm probably just saying it.
After I let him go on, I try to find my way back to the bedroom John and I slept in yesterday. I find I see my suitcase after I remember that I still have half a pack of smokes in there.
So I just casually walk in while John and Garrett are conversing but I try not to interrupt, and I try not to listen.
But when John realizes what I have in my hand as I'm walking out, he yells "Iann, wait!"
I slow myself down just enough to hear him excuse himself from Garrett and he starts to follow me.
But I start speeding up because I know he's just going to stop me.
When we get to the lot outside, he just.. Stands there.
And I just ignore him.
I've found myself a small box of matches and now I just use that to light my cigarette.
And halfway through my cigarette, John approaches me. He picks the stick out of my mouth and puts it off.
And he has me seated where I was earlier today with Pat. And he says "I want you."
I let out a light laugh.
"Don't," John scoots closer.
"You guys hate getting laughed at, huh?"
John shakes his head, making me drop that topic. He wants to continue with his previous statement. "I want to be with you."
"What are you talking about," I ask without seriousness.
John moves in, pausing at the closest he could get without actually kissing me. "Let me in."
"John,"
He closes the gap between our lips before I can say anything else. And he parts my lips with his own.
And I start to wonder what he's doing with his tongue, but then he pushes a toothpick onto mine. And he pushes himself away.
"I'm going to be with you." He takes the pack of my cigarettes and grabs my matches. Then he sets the entire thing on fire. A small fire, but a fire nonetheless.
After the fire dies down, he looks at me.
He kisses me one more time. After, he asks "Do you understand?"
No.
I don't understand at all.
But I don't say this.
"I wasn't fucking around when I told you people care about you. And I'm not fucking around now when I tell you that I care about you." He glances at the ashes.
And then I understand.
After this scene, which ends as he enfolds me in a warm hug and kisses my neck, as he pulls back and walks away, I decide to just distract myself again.
I find a quick solution.
I stay around Kennedy and Jared for a while. I spend it playing with the toothpick in my mouth. I roll it in between my teeth, flip it up with my lips.. Just keeping my mouth busy.
Kennedy keeps interrupting himself and the sounds he makes on his guitar when he sneezes. He's got a cold. A small fever, even.
I think it would be safe to conclude that he got that from jumping in the lake for Dani last night.
The next time Kennedy sneezes, Jared completely stops. "Ken, maybe you should go rest."
"I'm fine."
"Get some rest, Ken--"
"I'm fine!" Kennedy insists.
And both Jared and I can tell that Kennedy tries to stop it, but a sneeze escapes him again.
"Come on, Ken, get your rest." I stand up and start taking the guitar off his shoulders for him.
What makes it easy is the fact that he doesn't fight.
He lets me walk him back to the closest bedroom, which isn't really a room but a sectioned hall a little past the living room.. But I help him into bed.
"Should I get you an ice pack, you're starting to get a fever--"
"No," Kennedy takes that hand I put on his forehead to try to estimate his temperature. His body was over the average 37 degrees C.
"I think I should,"
"No." Kennedy closes his eyes. "I'm fine, and you think too much."
"Kennedy,"
"It's just a cold,"
"It's a fever--"
"It's just a cold." Kennedy says steadily. "I just need a nap, I'll be fine."
"Kennedy," I sigh.
"I hope you are okay--"
"I am--"
"What happened to your knees?"
"Ken--"
"What happened?"
"I jumped out of John's car."
"You and John, how are you?"
"What?"
"Are you past that it-was-just-sex thing?"
"Kennedy--"
"Admit it. Now." Kennedy demands.
"What? No--"
"I know you have feelings for John--"
"What?! Who are you, Garrett?!" I get up from Kennedy's side, frustrated, snatching my hand out of his grip.
I've had it with the teasing from Garrett, there is no way I would start taking it from Kennedy, too!
"He's John O'Callaghan! Those feelings are impossible to not reciprocate."
I hate that word. Reciprocate. It always reminds me of those terrible times in math. Reciprocals.
But I get slapped in the face by the word. "Reciprocate." We discussed the meaning of the word before we started the lesson.
Another word for it was interchange, return..
"R.. Reciprocate?"
Kennedy lets me figure it out on my own. "You're smart enough." he tells me.
"Fuck you, Kennedy, you're--"
"What was the last thing you tasted on his mouth?"
"Kennedy, we haven't been drunk in days--"
"I'm not asking that!"
"Kennedy--"
"What was the last thing you tasted on his mouth?"
"Nothing, unless you count a toothpick." I mumble, realizing the toothpick has been in the corner of my mouth for a while now.
"Alcohol?"
"None." I mutter. But I did just assault his mouth with nicotine.
"I knew that toothpick was from him." Kennedy asks for it as he holds out his hand.
I let him hold it while he clarifies that he doesn't mind it's wet with my saliva.
"See this," he points at the tip that's been hanging off my mouth. "John always nibbles on this part."
"Then why does he still smoke?"
"You brought it back to him, he was in the middle of quitting when you came on tour."
My heart sinks as I hear this.
It then makes me realize what I needed my cigarettes for.
I hated confronting my thoughts, I've always liked running away from them.. Have I given John enough thoughts he didn't want to confront, did I make him have thoughts he wanted to run away from? I'm responsible for John returning to his vices.
"I'm so sorry--"
"It doesn't matter now." Kennedy waves me over and he puts it back in between my teeth. "John needs you to be with him in this."
"That wouldn't work--"
"You don't know that."
"I--"
"You'll never know."
For a second, I wonder if we're still talking about this smoking business. But that's wiped out when Kennedy continues.
"You'll never know unless you take it there."
"Kennedy,"
"Take him there."
♠ ♠ ♠
:c