I'm Anything You Want Me To Be.

Awkward.

If I had to find any word to describe this dinner, that would be it:

Awkward.

I guess it's nothing new, sitting with a bunch other guys and Dani at the dinner table.

Dani and I have been trying so hard (and to no avail) to converse properly again, but it just doesn't happen so easily. Neither of us has touched our food.

But that's alright, because neither has anyone else.

Pat has his spoon and his fork in his hands, and he's lightly letting them role themselves as his drumsticks for a while. And he's been airing out a light repetitive rhythm as if he's trying to get it right and straight. If you look under the table, you'd see him stepping on the imaginary pedal of his imaginary kick-drum. I've never seen this side of Pat before.

Then I look over at Kennedy who's casually coordinating something with Jared, probably that riff they were doing earlier before I got him to get some rest. He's looking better now, though his nose is still runny and every two seconds, he would have to excuse himself from the table to blow his nose.

Jared just never lets himself not enjoy food when it's around, and I think he's the only one in this room who's got an appetite at the moment.

I found myself seated next to Colby before I knew it. He was taking part in Jared and Kennedy's conversation. He talked to Jared whenever Kennedy had to blow his nose, kind of like a proxy but not really.

Colby had arrived in the evening, just as Jared was about to cook dinner. He'd decided to take ownership of the room John and I slept in, the room Garrett and John talked in, the room Dani and I were actual sisters in..

I knew it was for the best that we stayed away from that room. We took our suitcases out of there and let Colby take it. We all felt oddly sentimental about it, but we thought it would be fair if none of us got that room.

So now, at the table, there's Garrett, who would not stop eyeing me and John.

John is seated across Garrett, but unlike Garrett, John has not even touched his food. Not even his utensils. He's just sitting there, staring at me.

Staring at me the way he did before he came back to his senses and fixed up my knees.

It made me incredibly uncomfortable at some point, but at another point, I was somehow glad he couldn't take his eyes off me. But I never return the glance.

Trey had dropped by, and left, before we had dinner.

And Garrett talked to him as the civilized young man he was. No talking back, no face-making. He took whatever Trey told him and even thanked him for finding the time to drop by before he left again. And sure, it was surprising, but it was sincere, too.

"So John," Garrett speaks up after Colby and Jared had finished a topic and had let silence take over the table.

"What?" John snaps to attention at Garrett, as if it's only now that he'd caught himself staring at me.

"How hard was it to just go to a strip club--"

"Not now, Garrett." John says.

"Well, I guess it's easier that--"

"Stop it." John spits, obviously trying to hold his patience which had quickly run short.

"No one had to get paid--"

"Garrett, stop it--"

"For you to get laid--"

"Stop it, Garrett--"

"I guess Iann is cheaper."

"I told you to stop it!" John yells.

The skidding sound of a chair follows.

In the same half-second, we hear a sound that makes both Dani and me spring off our chairs.

It was the sound of a fist slapping against skin.

I would know what that sounds like.

"John!" Dani starts, as she'd had her eyes on them and knows exactly what happened, unlike me who just heard everything.

Garrett is staring absently at John now, but there's this spark of satisfaction in his eyes. Then he counters "What? You're the one who said it was just sex--"

"Excuse me!" John growls and leaves Garrett with a busted and bloody lip, stopping him from continuing what else John obviously didn't want to hear.

"Get him ice." I instruct to Dani before leaving without excusing myself from the table.

"Don't. Stop following me." John almost growls when he hears my tread following his.

"John,"

"Iann, stop following me." John says. I follow him as he storms out and now we're outside the house, and it's pretty cold out here at night. "Stop following me." he says again.

"No, you stop trying to walk away!" I almost yell myself.

Oddly enough, he stops.

I catch up to him and make him turn to face me.

His right hand is still balled in a fist, and it's still trembling from the previous deed it's done. "Please get away from me. I'm violent right now and I especially don't want to hurt you."

Ignoring what he had just said, I reach to his fist and unclasp it from the air it's strangling. "You promised me you would never let anyone hurt me. That includes yourself." I mumble.

His trembling ceases. "I'm sorry."

"You can't go around punching people in the mouth like that, John."

"Well, Garrett can't go around talking about you like that, Iann!" John doesn't try to control himself for a second and he bends his knees and buries his face in his hands. He's so filled with frustration right now.

"Like what," I ask him to clarify, I didn't understand anything that happened back there.

"That." he muffles into his hands.

Cheaper. Strip club. Iann. Sex. Why do those words make no sense to me?

Then it hits me.

And it becomes so greatly understandable.

For a second, I thought Garrett talked to John about almost losing Dani. And maybe he did. But then it reverted to a topic they obviously weren't originally planning on conversing over.

And I know Garrett was using our stubbornness, both John's and mine, to get to both of us. And truly, it is frustrating.

"John,"

"I'm sorry." John quietly says.

"John,"

"It's just.. God.."

I know he's already frustrated but I can't stop myself from adding. "Wasn't it just sex?"

"It. You and me. Us. Sex." John chops up his words.

"Yes or no,"

"I can't speak in behalf of you--"

"Then speak in behalf of yourself, John, what do you think this thing between us is--"

"Complicated!" John yells.

Then our emotions, which have risen to their peaks so quickly, die down.

I know where he's coming from.

Really, I do.

But I can't face it.

This thing between us is never going to be just sex now, now that John obviously thinks more of it.

Wants more of it.

I look for anything in any degree of relevance to reply to John.

Then I find it.

"I know," I sigh.

"Sorry, Iann. Go to bed." John says, getting up.

"Where are you going?" I wonder.

"I'm taking a walk--"

"It's too dark--"

"Go to bed." John says. "And do not follow me again."

I find myself obeying him.

When I get back inside, Dani is holding an ice pack to Garrett's mouth awkwardly.

And everyone had decided dinner's over.

So I just head to bed.

Remembering Colby took over the room, our room, I just look for another one.

Finding a room that had nothing in it but the furniture, I drag my suitcase in there along with John's.

Here, I tuck myself in and say goodnight to myself. Then I doze off.

I blink maybe twice a minute and I try to go back to sleep.. But waking up in the middle of the night with John asleep next to me gives me no choice but to make those attempts.

Attempts at getting back to sleep, that's all they are. Attempts.

And I wonder where John's been..

Then out of nowhere, I hear John's voice. For a second, I think he's sleep-talking.

But what he asks is clear. "How long?"

"Huh?" I mumble.

"How long have you been trying to fall asleep?"

"What,"

"What time did you wake up and how long have you been trying to fall asleep again?" John doesn't stop himself from elaborating.

"Plenty of hours ago," I decide to just answer. "How'd you tell?"

"You weren't moving for the longest time," John mumbles.

"Exactly how much do I move around when I'm asleep?" I complain.

"I think it depends on how tired you are," John hypothesizes. "But you move around a lot nevertheless."

"Sorry."

"Were you awake when I crawled next to you?"

"No," I sigh and turn to try to meet his eyes in the dark. "I woke up two or three hours ago."

"You okay?"

"Just can't get any sleep." I say. "I'm fine."

I think I see him nod.

"How about you? How long have you been awake?"

"I haven't fallen asleep yet."

"How long?"

"Six hours?"

"John, you need sleep."

"So do you."

We let silence ensue after this.

We spend at least thirty minutes just staring at each other in the dark.

Then he gets up and tucks me in. "You know what, I'll get sleep later. I have to do something,"

"John,"

"Please try to get some sleep." He quietly pleads as he leans down to kiss my neck.

"Stay," I groan when he pulls away.

I know John shakes his head. "Later."

Then for a second, silence ensues again. Then the door opens and John walks out.