I'm Anything You Want Me To Be.

I shoot up off bed the moment my senses awake, recalling what happened last night. Or what I think happened last night. Maybe it was a dream..

John is startled by my sudden movement and is now waking up as well. "Iann?"

I immediately want to apologize for disturbing him. "Hey,"

"You alright?"

I nod.

"You want to go back to sleep?" John suggests, he himself not really alert.

"Yeah," I mumble.

He instinctively lays on his back so I can pillow my head back onto his chest, but as my eyelids start to fall, I catch sight of a bureau similar to the one Kennedy had left open last night after grabbing an inhaler.

I darts away from John again, this time, awakening fully.

It takes me a second to find this heavy feeling in my chest, it almost feels.. Dark and gray. I know these are Dani's feelings, the ones she fell asleep with last night.

"What?" John wonders.

"Nothing." I try not to worry him.

"It's okay," He sighs as he gets on his feet.

"Huh?" I say as I put in the initiative of fixing our bed.

"You don't have to worry about it, last night was real."

"Oh," I look down at the blanket I'm folding up.

I don't like how he could read through me like this, but right now I couldn't mind because I need someone pulling words out of my mouth for the moment.

"It's alright." John tries to comfort me.

But it's no use. I've mentioned it once or twice, but I just have to reiterate.. I hate feeling like this.

I absolutely hate it.

I look around and realize the doors are now closed. Trying to distract myself, I tried to pay close attention and I know John hadn't gotten out of bed to close those doors.

"Are they all awake?"

"Yeah,"

"Oh,"

In the next minutes, John and I freshen up, helping each other all the way. It was odd.

And while we were in the bathroom, he acted all half-asleep, and he treated me like I was so fragile. Somehow, he just knew I felt terrible.

I just spit out the last of my gargle round after brushing my teeth when he walked up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist.

He kissed my cheek, my jawline, my neck, my shoulder..

I laugh when he hits that spot, where there was a fine line between making me melt and making me giggle.

John's lips make another laugh jerk out of my mouth as he pulls away.

"Let's take to the kitchen, they're gonna think we're doing dirty things again." John jokes almost suggestively.

"Wasn't what you were just doing.." I start.

"That?" I see John's reflection as he smirks. "That wasn't dirty."

"Okay?"

"No, that wasn't dirty."

I don't even have to ask.

"But," He suddenly pins me against the wall, cuffing my wrists over my head with his hand. "If I did this," He leans down to my neck and exhales a long shaky breath against it before kissing it with a little bite. Pulling off, he says "Now, that would be dirty."

"Tease." I call him out as he walks off without even waiting for me.

I follow him back into his room and just watch him change his shirt.

Moments later, we're out of his room.

Everyone is gathered around the kitchen table. Kennedy is seated next to Jared who is texting someone. Pat sits beside Kennedy with his legs crossed while he watches something on his phone.

Garrett and Dani are over there by the counter, though. Just the two of them.

"Morning, everyone!" John greets happily.

"Someone slept on the right side of the bed," Jared comments.

"Who was on your left side?" Kennedy raises an eyebrow.

I giggle at Kennedy's metaphorical response and sit down next to Jared anyway.

"Pat, here's your sandwich," Dani mumbles as she moves away from the counter, and Garrett, to bring Pat what she'd just said.

Pat looks at it as she sets the plate down in front of him.

Toasted bread, some meat, sauce, some vegetables, typical sandwich shit.

Pat doesn't hesitate to inspect it before he takes his first bite, though. He takes the top slice of the bread off and starts making his observations.

"Is that.." Pat puts the top slice back, shaking his head reluctantly. "I know I shouldn't be complaining.. But is that.. Mayo?"

Dani, who had already made her trip back to the counter, looks back. "Huh?"

Pat points at his sandwich shyly as Dani starts her way to him again. "I know I shouldn't complain.. But you know mayo makes me sick.. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Dani replies.

"Seriously, though." Pat mumbles.

"I'm okay." Dani assures him. "I'll fix you up another sandwich,"

"It's okay, I'll make it myself, sorry for the trouble." Pat waves her off and gets on his feet.

"You know it's no trouble," she quietly says.

Now, out of nowhere "Good morning, Garrett." I say just so he would turn around and look at me.

Dani also responds to his name and skims me a glance at well.

"Look at them," I mutter to John.

They look terrible..

Sure, they look freshened up. The dampness in their hair is evidence that they both took the time to keep their hygiene in mind. Fresh clothes, clean faces.. Of course, they looked great as always. They were never short of good looks.

But there are dark rings under their eyes, evidence of lack of sleep.

"Garrett, are you okay?"

"Just peachy." he replies, not even trying to half-convince me.

"And you, Dani?" I ask.

"Peachy." Dani mocks Garrett's reply.

"What happened with you last night," I spit before I could stop myself from trying to confront it.

"We were asleep." Dani obviously lies.

Garrett, however, nods, agreeing with Dani.

"You were in the studio," I insist.

I know I am not in the position to be confronting this, but now they're just trying to shove some lie down my throat. I've never been too appreciative of dishonesty.

"No," Garrett negates, trying to make my accusation a laughing matter by chuckling. "We were in my room, asleep."

"No, you weren't!" I don't know why all of a sudden I'm defensive about this. Why they're defensive about this.

So I look around, trying to find proof just so I could rub it in Dani's face..

"John!" I happily say, finding someone who could prove I'm not making any of this up. "John was there with me!"

"You were dreaming." Dani scoffs.

"No, I was with Iann and we saw what happened--"

Dani cuts John off. "You were dreaming." she repeats.

I start calling her out for not even thinking about it, for not even thinking of a good comeback to throw at me. "How could John and I have dreamt of the same thing, Dani--"

"It's called folie à deux, Iann."

"What?!"

"Folie à deux." she repeats. "It's when two people dream about the same things--"

"Isn't that just applicable to twins--" I question, remembering my dad having me seated on his lap after Dani told me what her dream was, as it was my dream too, when we were kids.

"No, researchers are proving it to be true for married couples, too."

I feel heat rush to my cheeks. "John and I aren't married--"

"You might as well be, you sleep in one bed, you share a gargle glass, you even have a kid. Don't even try to deny it, Iann, the thought of being Riannon Maree Jones-O'Callaghan excites you."

"What?!" I yell, punching the table with the bottom of my fist as I shoot up off my chair.

Fine, I guess there's no other way to put it. Obviously, John and I are sleeping in one bed, and Jay is proof that we've slept together before.

But the sharing of a gargle glass with John, that, she'd have to be real observant to figure out.

This thought doesn't stop my rage, though. "What the fuck are you talking about?!"

"Hey, don't get all hasty, you don't know what John feels about it--"

"Why on earth would John even think about marrying me, we're not even together--"

"Because you won't take him there. Mainly, it's your fault you're not together."

"Oh, sorry, I didn't realize I was supposed to fall into his arms the moment I saw him again after he left me in the morning, Dani--"

"Well, he has apologized, hasn't he?"

"Yeah, but--"

"Dani," John tries to stop her. And succeeds.

But Garrett now speaks up. "But what, Iann, once isn't enough? He tortured himself everyday after leaving you, thinking about you, wishing he didn't leave.."

Now, Garrett has to stop. He's taking advantage of the fact that I trust him, the fact that he could talk sense into me.

Before anyone else speaks up, Pat interrupts.

"You look like you need more sleep," he observes as he takes her place in the counter. As he turns to his best friend, he says "You too, Gare. You should go get some rest."

"We're fine," they reply at the same time.

"Go stay in the living room, I'll make you guys your sandwiches." Pat insists.

Garrett and Dani soon just oblige and they venture out to the living room.

"Excuse me for a second." I say and get up, trying to drain out the heat in my head. I just wanna follow Garrett and Dani.

As they're treading off, I hear Garrett ask her.

"When are you telling them?"

"I said I wasn't sure, there's no need to tell them about it yet."

"You need to at least give them a heads-up."

"Garrett, what part of 'I'm not sure' don't you understand?!"

"Uh, maybe the part where you don't spare my friends' feelings again?"

"Garrett,"

"And you've hurt me enough!"

"I know."

"And now you're just gonna leave like.. Like.. Like we meant nothing to you--"

"Garrett, I'll be back."

"But you're still leaving!"

I suck it up before I let out a gasp.

What does he mean she's leaving?

"Garrett, I'll be back,"

"But you're--"

"Garrett, I--"

"You what?! What excuse could you possibly have to just leave me hanging by a thread again?!"

"I love you, Garrett!" Dani almost yells it out. "I love you! I love you, I love you, I love you!"

This silences Garrett.

And it hinders me from taking another step forward.

She didn't love me.

And now she's acting like she doesn't care about the rest of them, her friends..

I feel so fucking low.

And it's so.. Un-explainable, even I don't understand why I feel this way.

It just hit me in the face that I am never going to hear Dani say those things to me, those three words to me.

I run back to the kitchen with tears in my eyes.

I don't mean to present myself but when John sees me, he immediately shoots up off his chair in worry. I shake my head, knowing they are going to attempt to ask me what's wrong.

"I want to be alone." I mutter.

And that's what I am for a while.

After everything that had happened this morning, and after shutting myself in John's room, I've figured out a couple of things for myself.

One thing is the fact that I am furious. At Garrett and Dani. And even at John.

Where had Dani and Garrett gotten off thinking they could just gang up on me like that?

They know that I'd be helpless against the two of them in an argument.

Whether they know it or not, what they said, and what they tried to put in my head, made me recall, rethink, recount my relationship with John. Yes, my relationship. No point in trying to say that there isn't even a relationship to begin with.

It makes me think about what I feel towards John, which for now is incredibly hard to decipher with all these other feelings.

I've been curled up by the headboard of John's bed, trying to think these things through.. And I must admit, I am terrible at this, playing mind games with myself.

John had ordered me not to lock the his bedroom door.

But I was disobedient and had decided for myself that I needed to be alone, so I went on prevented the turning of the knob from the outside.

I buried my head in a pillow on my knees and yelled into it, trying to release some of the frustration. It was just so hard to be with myself.

I felt someone sit next to me after a few minutes. Startled and responsive, I let my vision dart to the door I made sure I had locked. And it still was.

But I keep forgetting there are two doors in each bedroom because the entire network of rooms just winds on, but remains connected everywhere in every way.

John had his other means of entry to his room.

I start to laugh at this in my head, thinking of how dumb I was to forget. If I was gonna shut myself out, I had to at least do it right. Sheesh, Iann, what an idiot.

"Hey," John whispers.

"John." I mumble.

"Are you--"

I cut him off by saying "Yeah, I'm okay." as I nod. "I just wanna be alone." I say when I start to move away from him.

His hand wraps around mine almost instantly, stopping me from getting any further from him.

But I'm not letting this stop me. I've wanted to be alone so many times and John's kept me from that for just as many times and I'm sick of it.

Didn't he get it? I wanted to be alone! Can't he respect that? Is that so hard to understand?

This wasn't that night years ago, I'm not that girl anymore. I don't need anyone right now, I don't want anyone right now.

"Why can't you leave me alone," I calmly ask him now, knowing in my head I am so mad.

"You know very well why I can't leave you alone." John mutters.

"Not really." I reply. "Enlighten me, would you please?"

"I can't tell you right now."

I roll my eyes and shake his hand off. His grip had loosened with our short exchange of words, and I succeed in getting on my feet.

I stop myself from crying on my way out.

Why am I so weak, why do I have to be such a crybaby? I make myself sick.

Losing myself, I bump into Dani in the kitchen.

"Iann, I'm so glad you came out--"

"What do you want," My voice almost cracks because of the cry I'm trapping in my throat.

"Look, about what I said earlier.."

"Oh, what did you say earlier, Dani? Your crazy folie à deux. psychological theory? No need." I remark sarcastically.

She starts reaching out to put her hand on my shoulder or something like that, trying to offer any kind of comfort or reassuring touch..

But I hold my palm up to stop her.

She doesn't force herself. But she continues. "Look, Iann, I just.. I care about you and--"

"Bullshit." I let out a mirthless laugh and push her off my way. I don't know where I'm heading but Dani has to step out if I'm finding out anytime soon.

"Riannon Maree Jones, don't you dare walk out on me."

This makes me spin on my heel to look at her again. "What do you want, Daniella Renee Jones?"

"Look, I'm leaving. Not for good. Just a week, maybe. I need you to stay here--"

"And what, you're gonna put Garrett through that again?" I scoff.

"What?"

"It doesn't matter if you're coming back in just a week, Dani. You're still leaving and you're gonna put Garrett through that again. You're gonna put Pat through that again. And Jared, and Ken."

"You heard us talking in the living room--"

"Well, so what if I did? It's true, isn't it? You're not gonna spare Garrett's feelings again, or his friends' feelings again--"

"And since when do you care about Garrett--"

"Garrett is my friend, Daniella. Pat and the others, they're my friends,"

"I'm coming back in a week--"

"You're gonna hurt Garrett again by leaving, Dani, you know how hard it was for him! Haven't you hurt him enough--"

"I see what this is about."

My eyes widen. "What?"

"I'll be back for you."

"What--"

"It's a week. Seven days. Around a hundred sixty-eight hours.. Iann, I promise I'll be back for you."

"What are you saying--"

"You don't want me to leave you again. I get that, I understand. I'll be back for you." This time, Dani tries to reach out to me again and I don't stop her. She throws my hair behind my shoulder, like she always did when we were kids. Moments after, she says "Your hair is so pretty, Ri."

"You should know, we have the same hair color, El." I reply.

We relive that small moment from our childhood now..

I almost smile, being reminded of how easy it just was back then.

But before the smile takes over me, a question makes it way out. "When are you leaving?"

"I'd packed my things. I'm leaving in a few minutes."

"Have you told them?"

She shamefully nods.

"Take me with you."

"What?"

"Take me with you," I don't hesitate before repeating.

"No, you have to stay here with them--"

"Dani--"

"You have to stay here with John."

"With John?"

She nods slowly. "With John."

"No. I don't want to be with John."

She shook her head in disapproval, nonacceptance of what I'd just said. "Stop lying to yourself, Ri."

Maybe she was right. Maybe I did want to stay, be with John. But I wanted to be with Dani, my sister, more than I wanted to be with John, my.. I can't even tell..?

"I've made up my mind. I'm coming with you."

"I know there's no stopping you when you've decided." Dani says in an as-a-matter-of-fact way. "Be ready in fifteen minutes."

After this, I head back to John's room to get my things. I get a couple of things first, though, so I can freshen up.

John is not in his room anymore, but he'd left our bed messy. His. His bed.

I decide to shrug his absence off as I make my way to the bathroom.

The door is closed.

Before checking if the door was locked, too, I knock.

"It's open!" John yells from inside.

"Oh," I giggle. I've been holding onto the knob but I never turned it to check.. I turn it and let myself in. "You gotta keep the door locked if you want the ghosts to stay out." I joke.

"Yeah, Ken said the same thing. But I hate locking my doors."

A beam forms on my face when I hear his chuckle. It's just such a good thing to hear, you know?

"But it's useful for when people have to pee, see, now you can--"

"Oh, I don't have to pee." I bite my lip as he peeks his head from behind the curtains from the shower.

He sees I have fresh clothes and a couple of towels in my arms. "Oh gosh, sorry, you should've said you were--"

"It's okay.."

"Do you have to freshen up now or--"

"If you could shower double-time, that would be great--" I start suggesting when he suggests something else.

"You could come join me in here," Suggestive, even.

I look down, knowing that my cheeks had started painting themselves red.

"I mean, if you.. Like.. I don't mean.." Even he's aware of how embarrassing his suggestion was.

"That would be great, too." I turn around and lock the door. I put my things by the sink. I glance back at John. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," John blushes.

I turn my back to him and start stripping my clothes off. Once completely out of them, I get in the shower with John.

It reminds me of the morning after our 'Let's get fucked up.' episode. It even makes me smile.

"Should I turn the heater on? Sorry, I like my showers cold--"

"It's fine, thank you." My hair starts being run with water, soon after John just hands me the shampoo and soap when I need it.

After we're both clean, we just stay in, probably wasting gallons and gallons by just standing with each other in the shower.

The silence is broken only by the water that crashes against the top of our heads and makes its way down our bodies..

But John changes that as he now says "I'm sorry."

"It's fine, I like cold showers too." I reply without really thinking.

"No, I mean.."

I can only bring myself to look up at his eyes now. "Oh."

He bows his head. "Yeah.. I.. I mean.." His voice trails off and silence takes over once again.

I know John feels somehow uncomfortable. No, not because we're here together at this moment, seeing each other like this. It's that we're here after what just happened.

John knew he might as well have been the last person I wanted to be with. What Dani said, my outburst, it reminded John of what he'd done to me, how terrible it was. I knew he was coming to the conclusion that no matter how good and well he treats me now, it isn't going to change the fact that what he'd done to me was unforgivable.

But I don't want to think about it. I like being with John right now.

So after a while, I decide to strike another attempt at conversation. "Has Dani told you?"

"She never tells me anything." John shrugs.

"Then she hasn't told you,"

"Told me what?"

"That she's leaving.."

"Leaving?"

"She could use the break."

"What do I care if she's leaving," John says almost acridly.

"Well.. I'm.. Uh.." I let my voice trail off.

He doesn't take it though. "No." He forces me to look at him when I break eye contact with him. "Don't tell me you're going with her."

"Then I won't.." I mumble. "But don't be surprised when you wake up alone tomorrow then.."

"You're going with her," he confirms.

"I just have to."

"Is there anyway I could get you to stay with me?" he asks shyly, but at the same time bravely.

"Afraid not, John."

"Then.. Then I have something to tell you when you come back."

"If I come back, John." I correct.

"What?"

"Dani said she's coming back in a week.."

"What about you?"

"I'm not so sure if I'll be back. So whatever you have to say to me, you might as well say it now."

"Shit." he spits.

"That's it?"

Before I even start giggling at my own joke, he cuts me off by pressing his lips against mine in a warm kiss. When he pulls back, I see he's getting ready to say what he really has to say.

I start to panic in my head, having my theories..

He looked like he was gonna regret what he was about to say.

He sighs then just goes out with it.

"I love you."