Status: we'll see how this plays out
I'm Anything You Want Me To Be.
He's A Pain in the Ass.
Kennedy sighs. "He's a pain in the ass. But you know what? I love him. I do. And he loves me. And one of the things that really.. Really scare me is how he's going to be when I end up hurting myself again." he says.
We both fall silent. I look at the clock. It's 3 am.
I comb Kennedy's hair with my fingers, the way I would only Jay's. There's something inside me that just can't help caring for Kennedy this way.
What we talked about for 3 hours was summarized and concluded with what Kennedy said. He talked to me about John, and how much he trusts him. And how even though he trusts John more than he trusts anyone in the world, he just can't seem to talk out whatever is bothering him with John because.. He knows John is going to get hurt one way or another.
I understand Kennedy. I really do.
He's falling asleep now.
I fall asleep minutes later.
When I open my eyes, I see a dim blue seeping in through the window.
Day 3.
I realize what woke me up is a vibrating phone right next to me. As I'm staring at the clock, trying desperately to read the time, I reach over to my side where the phone is still vibrating. And I remember I fell asleep while Kennedy was falling asleep with his head on my lap.
I smile at him because he looks better, way better, than how I saw him earlier.
I put the phone to my ear after answering it, and thinking it's my phone, I'm surprised it's not my name yelled after I say hi.
"Kennedy! Wait-- What?"
It takes everything to stay still. I don't want to wake Kennedy up.
"Who the hell are you? Where's Kennedy?"
I draw the phone back to see who it was. "Jess" it read. I think of something to answer when I just say "Kennedy's asleep."
"Oh," I hear her voice drop as if her heart sank. "He'd be awake right now.. Glad he got some sleep."
"What do you mean?" I can't stop myself from asking.
"He's been having these sleeping troubles, and John and I just refuse to let him take any sleeping pills. Or any other kind of medication-- Wait, who's this?"
"Riannon Jones," I say. "Not that you would know me but--"
"Riannon Jones as in.. Iann? Nick's Iann?"
"Nick's Iann?"
"Yeah, his best friend. He talks about you a lot."
"He does?"
"Sort of." She coughs. "Did I wake you up? I just thought Kennedy would be awake." she says, changing the topic.
"It's fine." I reply.
"Did he cut bad?" she asks worriedly.
"Just a little gush on the forearm, it'll heal in three weeks, tops. No serious damage," I say. I don't think about it much till I start thinking maybe she has a connection to this.
"I'm Jess." She introduces herself. "Kennedy's.. Erm.. Good friend."
"You sound unsure," I comment.
"Yeah, that shit, it's sort of complicated right now." she quickly scoffs. "But yeah.. Uhm, what are you doing with Kennedy's phone?"
What am I doing with Kennedy's phone? I'm talking to Jess. Some person I've never met. Heard of, yes, with that Stephen guy. I wonder.. I start thinking about possible relations she might have with Kennedy, how I can get help for what Kennedy's going through. But nothing comes to me. "It just started ringing, Kennedy was asleep,"
"Oh," she says. "Cool. Just.. I gotta run now, if Kennedy wakes up, tell him I called."
"I will." I say. I'm about to hang up when her voice rings out and I put the phone back to my ear.
"Tell him I love him," she says as if it was at the last minute, as if she was hanging up when she remembered.
"I will." I almost raise my voice. Somewhat, for some reason I can't really point out, I'm happy Jess told me to tell Kennedy she loves him. No idea who she is, or her relationship with Kennedy, but I'm glad. "Promise."
"Thanks. Enjoy the rest of your day,"
"You too."
The receiver shuts and I throw Kennedy's phone back to the side.
So there is a long list of things that scare him.
And I am so willing to help him. I would do anything to stop someone from going through what I almost went through, and.. What my mother went through. But that's a different story, and I don't want to think about it now.
We've already discussed one of those things that scare him, and that's scaring John. He's afraid of scaring John.
Could knowing this Jess doesn't love him be one of those things that scare him too? It's not impossible.
It's the way she said it. "Tell him I love him." Her voice shook, and she almost stumbled on her words, and had I known her better, I'd say it was desperation in her voice, but she managed to get the words out nonetheless.
I spend some time thinking about this when I feel Kennedy stirring on my lap.
The sun has begun rising, and the clock is finally visible to me. It's now 6.
He would be looking up at me now if his eyes aren't closed. He reaches out to me in his subconscious state.
I take his hands and lay it on his chest, then give them a little pat.
He's smiling widely. Then he falls asleep again.
I watch him sleep for a while.
I just realized that a lot of this morning would be going to waste, how obsolete I would be if Kennedy isn't using my lap as a pillow.
I just stare at his innocent face. I don't realize the sun is up already.
I look over to the other side and I see Jay sleeping peacefully too.
I'm about to fall asleep again when I hear John yell.
"Kennedy?!"
I look down at Kennedy, who isn't responding.
"Guys, where's Kennedy?!"
I guess it will just take a moment for them to come out here, and figure out that Kennedy is in no danger, so I don't do anything.
"Kennedy?!"
Kennedy starts to stir again, and turns around, burying his head in my stomach. "Make them stop," he mumbles.
I stroke his hair to try not to get him distracted from sleep while the door slides open.
John's frantic and all, his eyes seem to bounce all around the area, never landing on me, or Kennedy. John sees Jay, but this doesn't calm him down. "Shit, shit, shit." he's muttering.
I don't know what to do.
Then finally, John's eyes land on me, then his eyes trail to Kennedy.
It takes him some time to register this in his head. But he takes it well and walks to me, slowly and quietly. He leans down and whispers something to Kennedy, and Kennedy nods.
"Thanks." John quietly says to me.
"For what?"
"I don't know.. I'm still.. Panicked over not finding Kennedy in his bunk.. Just.. I can't think straight, I just know Kennedy got some decent sleep and you have something to do with it, so thanks." he says quickly, then relaxes on the couch, right next to Jay.
I watch him stare at Jay, I see that half-smile forming on his lips.
The stress is slowly fading away from John's face. The front lounge is now filling with Jared, Garrett, and Pat, who John probably woke up when he couldn't find Kennedy.
They're all staring at me now, and for a while, I don't understand.
Until, well, I remember that Kennedy's asleep with my lap as a pillow and one of my arms as some sort of blanket.
They don't make anything of this for a while. And a while is around 30 minutes.
For the first time, I loathe Pat. Because he says "So.. Kennedy," to me with this weird tone that had about suspicion, concern and teasing.
"Just the other day you were calling us bastards," Jared actually almost laughs as he quietly says this.
Well, that needs an explanation.
"Do you and Dani always fight like that?"
We both fall silent. I look at the clock. It's 3 am.
I comb Kennedy's hair with my fingers, the way I would only Jay's. There's something inside me that just can't help caring for Kennedy this way.
What we talked about for 3 hours was summarized and concluded with what Kennedy said. He talked to me about John, and how much he trusts him. And how even though he trusts John more than he trusts anyone in the world, he just can't seem to talk out whatever is bothering him with John because.. He knows John is going to get hurt one way or another.
I understand Kennedy. I really do.
He's falling asleep now.
I fall asleep minutes later.
When I open my eyes, I see a dim blue seeping in through the window.
Day 3.
I realize what woke me up is a vibrating phone right next to me. As I'm staring at the clock, trying desperately to read the time, I reach over to my side where the phone is still vibrating. And I remember I fell asleep while Kennedy was falling asleep with his head on my lap.
I smile at him because he looks better, way better, than how I saw him earlier.
I put the phone to my ear after answering it, and thinking it's my phone, I'm surprised it's not my name yelled after I say hi.
"Kennedy! Wait-- What?"
It takes everything to stay still. I don't want to wake Kennedy up.
"Who the hell are you? Where's Kennedy?"
I draw the phone back to see who it was. "Jess" it read. I think of something to answer when I just say "Kennedy's asleep."
"Oh," I hear her voice drop as if her heart sank. "He'd be awake right now.. Glad he got some sleep."
"What do you mean?" I can't stop myself from asking.
"He's been having these sleeping troubles, and John and I just refuse to let him take any sleeping pills. Or any other kind of medication-- Wait, who's this?"
"Riannon Jones," I say. "Not that you would know me but--"
"Riannon Jones as in.. Iann? Nick's Iann?"
"Nick's Iann?"
"Yeah, his best friend. He talks about you a lot."
"He does?"
"Sort of." She coughs. "Did I wake you up? I just thought Kennedy would be awake." she says, changing the topic.
"It's fine." I reply.
"Did he cut bad?" she asks worriedly.
"Just a little gush on the forearm, it'll heal in three weeks, tops. No serious damage," I say. I don't think about it much till I start thinking maybe she has a connection to this.
"I'm Jess." She introduces herself. "Kennedy's.. Erm.. Good friend."
"You sound unsure," I comment.
"Yeah, that shit, it's sort of complicated right now." she quickly scoffs. "But yeah.. Uhm, what are you doing with Kennedy's phone?"
What am I doing with Kennedy's phone? I'm talking to Jess. Some person I've never met. Heard of, yes, with that Stephen guy. I wonder.. I start thinking about possible relations she might have with Kennedy, how I can get help for what Kennedy's going through. But nothing comes to me. "It just started ringing, Kennedy was asleep,"
"Oh," she says. "Cool. Just.. I gotta run now, if Kennedy wakes up, tell him I called."
"I will." I say. I'm about to hang up when her voice rings out and I put the phone back to my ear.
"Tell him I love him," she says as if it was at the last minute, as if she was hanging up when she remembered.
"I will." I almost raise my voice. Somewhat, for some reason I can't really point out, I'm happy Jess told me to tell Kennedy she loves him. No idea who she is, or her relationship with Kennedy, but I'm glad. "Promise."
"Thanks. Enjoy the rest of your day,"
"You too."
The receiver shuts and I throw Kennedy's phone back to the side.
So there is a long list of things that scare him.
And I am so willing to help him. I would do anything to stop someone from going through what I almost went through, and.. What my mother went through. But that's a different story, and I don't want to think about it now.
We've already discussed one of those things that scare him, and that's scaring John. He's afraid of scaring John.
Could knowing this Jess doesn't love him be one of those things that scare him too? It's not impossible.
It's the way she said it. "Tell him I love him." Her voice shook, and she almost stumbled on her words, and had I known her better, I'd say it was desperation in her voice, but she managed to get the words out nonetheless.
I spend some time thinking about this when I feel Kennedy stirring on my lap.
The sun has begun rising, and the clock is finally visible to me. It's now 6.
He would be looking up at me now if his eyes aren't closed. He reaches out to me in his subconscious state.
I take his hands and lay it on his chest, then give them a little pat.
He's smiling widely. Then he falls asleep again.
I watch him sleep for a while.
I just realized that a lot of this morning would be going to waste, how obsolete I would be if Kennedy isn't using my lap as a pillow.
I just stare at his innocent face. I don't realize the sun is up already.
I look over to the other side and I see Jay sleeping peacefully too.
I'm about to fall asleep again when I hear John yell.
"Kennedy?!"
I look down at Kennedy, who isn't responding.
"Guys, where's Kennedy?!"
I guess it will just take a moment for them to come out here, and figure out that Kennedy is in no danger, so I don't do anything.
"Kennedy?!"
Kennedy starts to stir again, and turns around, burying his head in my stomach. "Make them stop," he mumbles.
I stroke his hair to try not to get him distracted from sleep while the door slides open.
John's frantic and all, his eyes seem to bounce all around the area, never landing on me, or Kennedy. John sees Jay, but this doesn't calm him down. "Shit, shit, shit." he's muttering.
I don't know what to do.
Then finally, John's eyes land on me, then his eyes trail to Kennedy.
It takes him some time to register this in his head. But he takes it well and walks to me, slowly and quietly. He leans down and whispers something to Kennedy, and Kennedy nods.
"Thanks." John quietly says to me.
"For what?"
"I don't know.. I'm still.. Panicked over not finding Kennedy in his bunk.. Just.. I can't think straight, I just know Kennedy got some decent sleep and you have something to do with it, so thanks." he says quickly, then relaxes on the couch, right next to Jay.
I watch him stare at Jay, I see that half-smile forming on his lips.
The stress is slowly fading away from John's face. The front lounge is now filling with Jared, Garrett, and Pat, who John probably woke up when he couldn't find Kennedy.
They're all staring at me now, and for a while, I don't understand.
Until, well, I remember that Kennedy's asleep with my lap as a pillow and one of my arms as some sort of blanket.
They don't make anything of this for a while. And a while is around 30 minutes.
For the first time, I loathe Pat. Because he says "So.. Kennedy," to me with this weird tone that had about suspicion, concern and teasing.
"Just the other day you were calling us bastards," Jared actually almost laughs as he quietly says this.
Well, that needs an explanation.
"Do you and Dani always fight like that?"
♠ ♠ ♠
hi