I'm Anything You Want Me To Be.

“What are these?”

“They’ll heal in a couple of days,” I mutter and force Kennedy’s hands off my wrists.

“What are these, Iann—”

“Leave it alone,”

“Iann, answer me—”

“Leave it alone!” I yell, this time, really pushing Kennedy away.

“Iann,”

“Sorry.” I mumble, realizing what I just did.

“Talk to me, Iann, I’m worried about you.” Kennedy now attempts to close the distance I put in between us.

“No need to worry,” I say, just desperate to get anything out. I couldn’t tell him I’m okay. I couldn’t tell him nothing is wrong.

After John took me out for some fresh air, he decided it was time to head back to studio.

However, returning to his passion and work with his band without me wasn’t an option.

John got Dani and me in his car after final repacking of our things. I called shotgun almost immediately so I wouldn’t have to sit beside Dani.

We dropped Jay off at Justin’s. Justin was surprised to have seen me, invited all of us in. We had some coffee, then I said my goodbyes to Jay.

I’ve been feeling detached, though. I didn’t respond to John’s attempts at conversation during the drive, I didn’t really listen to the music John played in the car, I felt like I was sleeping but my eyes were open.

Somehow, everything felt like a dream.

No, not in the context that everything felt light and blissful.

It just didn’t feel real.

For the first time, ever, I felt completely numb.

I feel so flustered and disturbed, knowing I could’ve lost Dani any second and I wouldn’t have been immediately made aware of it.

That night a couple of weeks ago, when Dani attempted suicide.. That felt different. That was shock, of how she could even do that to herself when she knew very well what it could do to Garrett, her friends.. Me. Yet she’d still done it.

But this is me, suffering the pangs of the countless possibilities of Dani’s death because of asthma..

It’s unbearable to think.

I imagined having someone at her dorm firm figure out if Dani had any direct relatives, I imagined having someone call me up and tell me the news: Dani is dead.

And I imagined all the possible ways I could’ve felt had that really happened. All the thoughts are concluded in one thought: Wanting to die.

And it made me feel so terrible about myself, how the only solution I would’ve ever found was my own death sentence. How even if I had Jay, Nick, Halvo, my best friends, I would’ve still done it.

I realized that within those years, something in me knew that somewhere deep down in the trenches of my brain, I knew Dani was fine. She was able to take care of herself.

It’s just realizing now that she could’ve died any goddamn second hurts me.

After, I just felt numb.

I grew tired and sick of the darkness of my thoughts, the black hole my mind was turning into.

And I fell out of everything.

I now feel like I’m a mere soul. Unhelpful and obsolete.

Being back here with these guys isn’t helping because they are all trying to make me feel better, or at least talk.

John’s company is the only comfort I’ve gotten.

John always stayed by my side, and I loved him for it. Even after he stopped trying, he’s never left.

He lets me sleep curled up against his chest, he lets me go with him everywhere he goes in the studio, he lets me just feel him, and I know I need it.

Now John’s recording something in the bathroom, and I was about to surrender to being alone when Kennedy came around.

He saw the bandages on my wrists and..

“Iann,”

I pull away when Kennedy reaches to me. “You don’t have to worry.”

“Iann,”

“Kennedy, I mean it.” I say.

He nods, just trying not to upset me.

I slowly back away from him now, to make sure he doesn’t follow me.

Once my coast is clear of Kennedy, I head on outside.

I pace around for several minutes, kicking dirt around and throwing pebbles after picking them up.

I grow tired in a while and plump down on a curb by the tree.

I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and fall into rest.

“I’ve been looking for you,”

My eyes do not open but my mouth does. “Garrett.” I call.

“Hello,” I can hear his tread. He stops right in front of me.

When I do open my eyes, Garrett had already set his face close to mine.

“There those baby blue eyes are,” He smiles. He holds my face in his hands and gives me his infamous nose kiss.

“Garrett,” I whine.

He settles next to me.

“Is John done with whatever he’s doing in the bathroom?”

“Yeah, but you gotta let that guy take a shit.”

I laugh.

He shifts closer to me and caresses my cheek with the back of his hand. “You okay?”

I shake my head after his hand leaves my cheek.

I don’t realize he’d traced his hand down my arm till his thumb gently rubs the bandage on my wrist.

“I wanted to ask John what happened,”

“What did he tell you?”

“Nothing.” he replies. “He respects your silence the way I don’t know how to.”

“You’re good,” I tell him.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

I shake my head again.

“Okay,” Garrett bobs his head.

After a minute of being quiet, I decide to ask. “Have you and Dani made up?”

“Not really,” he starts. “But I’m being there for her..”

“Thanks,”

“Huh? What for?”

“For being there for Dani. Because I never got it right. Because I can’t.”