I'm Anything You Want Me To Be.

"Kenny?"

John's voice wakes me up. And the little stirring on my lap.

"Kenny, get to your bunk now."

My lap is emptied and I know Kennedy's gone to his bunk.

John is still here, though. "Don't want you to get cold now, do we?"

I feel him set Jay next to me, and then we're covered with a warm blanket.

"Good night." I hear the smack of his lips on Jay's cheek.

And the only thing he does to me is tuck my hair behind my ears.

Then he exits, I'm sure of that.

Why did he just do that? I mean.. Why? It just doesn't make sense.

I know I fall asleep still thinking about this.

But when I wake up is a different thing.

Jay isn't around.

No one is.

For a moment, I'm scared. And when the door slides open, I'm shocked. As in surprised, not really expecting someone.

Kennedy sees this. "Did I scare you?"

"No." I lie. "Good morning, Kennedy."

"Back at you, Iann."

"Where's everyone?"

"Asleep." he answers.

"Jay?"

"With John in the back lounge."

"John's awake?"

He nods. He's approaching me and stops. "Is that John's blanket?"

I remember last night. But I don't say anything except "Is it?"

He sits down next to me and I hand him the blanket. "Yeah, it is. It's a special one his mom made for him, it's cute how he keeps it on tour."

This only adds to the confusion I started getting last night. One thing is why he did it in the first place and another thing is why he would do that with his special little blanket.

"He put it on you last night when he told me to go to my bunk." he says.

If he knew, then why'd he question it? "He did?"

"I think I saw him do that," he continues. "But I don't know, I was sleepy."

"Sweet." I comment.

Kennedy laughs.

"Do you think he knows?"

"Nah," Kennedy shrugs. "He's not smart enough, remember?"

"Whatever," I sigh and turn to face him. "Did you sleep well?"

"You bet." He nods.

"Glad you did," I say and ruffle his hair up.

Jess pops into my head this time.

"Shit, Kennedy, I forgot to tell you Jess called--"

"Don't sweat." Kennedy puts a palm up. "I called her yesterday. She said she even told you to tell me she loves me."

"She did."

"How cute is she," Kennedy smiles.

"Is she your girlfriend," I ask before I can stop myself.

"No," he answers as if he doesn't mind my asking.

"Well, you two seem to be pretty tight."

"Yeah, pretty happy about it." he says. "For most people, it's pretty awkward being really close to your ex."

"Your ex?"

"Yup," Kennedy stretches. "Went out with her in high school. Craziest years of my life."

"Can't believe you two are still this close after that,"

"The thing is we sort of broke up after high school. We tried out some band thing, and it failed miserably. Then The Maine and her band started touring together and, wow, that was shit."

"Wanna tell me more about it?"

"There's not a lot to it," Kennedy says. "We were all catching up and stuff, turns out she got together with Stephen." He shrugs. "I'm okay with it though," he explains. "Stephen's the shit."

I laugh.

"I've known them since high school, they're both responsible enough to be with each other." He smiles. "They're both really good friends of mine, and if they're happy with each other, I'm fine."

I grin at him, thinking about how mature he's being about the situation.

It's not like I understand, but he isn't making it hard for me to do so. "Besides, Jess is literally my sister a lot of times. I guess it's weird because Stephen said that she's like a sister to her, too, but you know, when love comes around, it doesn't seem wrong."

This makes me think a little about my situation with Nick, but I don't bring it up.

"Which reminds me, we have to clean that." I stand up and reach my hand out to him after changing the topic.

He grabs it and I help him up.

We go to the kitchen and I take his bandage off.

I start washing it and he starts talking.

"What you said the other day.. Where Jay gets it.."

"You actually heard that?"

"It was my first clue." he says.

The rest of the morning goes on uneventfully. I end up taking a nap after they announce another no-show day because of complications with the venue.

What wakes me up, maybe a couple of hours later, though, scares me so much that I can't even bring myself to move.

Jay.

It's not Jay that scares me. It's what he's running to me for.

Day 4.

He's wailing. And I've never seen him like this before. The last time I've heard him wailing was also the first. That was when he was born.

I swore to myself I would never let him get hurt. Not when I'm around, not when I can control things. I'd have to be dead for anyone to lay a finger on a single strand of his precious hair.

But apparently, it only takes a trip to a bus with a bunch of assholes to ruin that for me.

John's there, at the end of the area.

I glare at him as I look at the massive cut Jay has on his finger.

John immediately apologizes. "I'm sorry, I didn't--"

I put Jay down for a second to rage at John. "How dare you! What did you fucking do?! What the hell is wrong with you, John?!"

"I didn't--"

I push him aggressively. "What the hell is fucking wrong with you, John?!"

Jay starts crying louder.

One more thing I told myself I would never do is let Jay see me like this. Considering my history with violent influences, I promised I wouldn't let Jay see me like this.

I can't believe John is ruining everything. I run back to Jay and kiss his cheek. "Stop crying, baby," I know Jay.

He's not crying because it hurts. He's crying because blood terrifies him.

"Iann--"

I bring Jay to a sink and wash his cut. I don't make him look, but he keeps crying.

It hurts me so much to see Jay crying like this, I'm determined to get back at John for it. The anger stops moldering for a while because concern for Jay takes over.

After an hour, I get Jay to sleep. He is exhausted.

John's been quietly watching me the entire time. I need an explanation from him, and I'm almost sure I'm not gonna get it by yelling.

So I calmly ask "What happened?"

"My guitar string broke and it hit him when it was curling back." John says. "It was an accident. I wouldn't hurt Jay on purpose."

Of course he wouldn't. He's an asshole by nature, but he wouldn't hurt anyone on purpose. Especially not an innocent kid like Jay.

I tell myself I don't care. He still hurt Jay. On purpose or not, he did it, and it scarred him. Literally, too.

I swore I would never let Jay go through any misery that resembled any of my own. No way. And maybe this kind of pain isn't the kind I want to protect him from, but it's every kind of pain I want away from him.

I've never cared for anyone as much as I've cared for Jay. Maybe Dani. Dani comes a close second. But I never really saw the value in protecting anyone until Jay came along. Until I realized that I can't let him see the bad in this world the way I did.

Too many thoughts at just John saying he didn't do it on purpose. If he keeps talking, my brain might just explode.

I don't want to carry on this conversation with him.

But he keeps talking, and with the apologetic little frown forming on his lips, I can't bring myself to tell him to just shut up. Besides, that would be rude. "I was playing something on the guitar then he started messing around with one of the tuning pegs and the string just.. Gave out and.."

Something catches my attention at the corner of my eye. Blood on John's finger. "What happened to that?" I ask.

"What?" He follows my eyes. "Shit, when did I get this,"

He doesn't know he has a wound?

Had I been in his position, I wouldn't have noticed either.

John isn't lying. He got hurt too.

For a second, I find myself selfish for thinking about myself instead of Jay. How to get back at John instead of how to make sure Jay doesn't get traumatized from this experience. How much John ruined everything for me instead of how much Jay was hurt.

I was selfish. Because I thought about how scared I was of Jay getting hurt, that I didn't take time to mind how much pain this is to Jay himself.

John's wincing at his cut now. And I don't stop myself when I feel the urge to take his hand and examine it. His cut's deeper than Jay's. How is that even possible? I'll never know what really happened, and frankly, I don't care anymore. I'm just trying to be glad that Jay could've gotten it worse but didn't.

"Let me fix it," I quietly say.

So he follows and we go back to the sink.

I can tell he's trying to appear as not some sort of weakling in front of me, because he's watching the blood even though I know it scares him.

"You don't have to look." I tell him.

He nods and looks away. I can see the relief sinking into his system.

I start putting the bandage on when he lets out some sort of whimper. Dumbly, I ask "Does it hurt?"

He scratches the back of his neck with his free hand. "Kinda."

"I'm almost done with it." I say. "It's not as bad as Kennedy's cut though. A little worse than Jay's, but it'll get better soon."

"How do you know that shit? And why do you know first-aid?"

Therapy. They taught me how to handle situations that need first-aid so that if I hurt myself then end up regretting it a second later for some stupid reason, I would know what to do. But I'm not going to tell John that. "I just do."

"Maybe having you on the bus is a good thing."

"Maybe," I repeat with a sigh as I finish the small bandage up. "But Jay? Maybe not."

"I didn't mean for him to get hurt, okay?"

"I'm sure you didn't."

"In all honesty, I'm just trying to keep Jay off your hands for a second because you're getting really busy with Kennedy." he blurts out.

It makes sense.

Kennedy told me that whatever John says, he means. Unless it's some stupid dick joke.

If it makes sense, John means it. That is the kind of person Kennedy told me John is, and I guess I might as well trust his judgement.

I hope he doesn't ask about what Kennedy and I are doing together. Because what am I supposed to say? That I'm stopping him from getting Kennedy therapy he doesn't need? That I can't stop myself from caring for Kennedy for some reason I don't even know?

I shake my head, realizing I have zoned out for a couple of seconds and start moving away.

"Wait," John grabs my hand.

I feel something stir in my chest but I make nothing of it. I pry my hand away from his and look at him. "What?"

"I'm sorry for bringing your mom up yesterday."

"We could live the rest of our lives not talking about it anymore." I say. "Forgiven."

Really, Iann?! Forgiven?! This guy is ruining your life, and you can't just--

"And thanks. For handling my cut. And Jay's. And Kennedy's."

I've already forgiven him, I guess. The things I usually say on impulse express the feelings I have locked away, so I probably meant it when I said I forgive him. Probably.

I'm looking for something else to say. Come on, Iann. Say something. Get this conversation over with.

I use Kennedy's words. "De nada."

"Si." John lamely adds as I walk away.

"Jay," I mumble, taking Jay's head and resting it on my lap. I mess up his shag of hair and kiss his forehead.

He responds by burying his head into my stomach.

Jay does this all the time-- No wonder this feeling is so familiar with Kennedy.

I don't fall asleep even though I want to. I just end up watching Jay sleep. And watching John from across the area.

He has his laptop on his, well, lap, and I don't know if it's just me, but I think I catch him watching me the same way I watch him: Sneaking glances, making sure I don't get caught looking at him.. It's all so silly. We're too old for this.

This is sort of weird, but I guess I shouldn't make anything of it, so I really don't.

After maybe 30 minutes, John gets up and tells me he's going to take a nap.

"Not that you would care," he says, the exact same time I mutter the words Not that I would care. in my head.

Another 30 minutes pass, then Nick shows up.

He's rubbing his eyes with his fists, while yawning. "They let me sleep in because it's a no-show day." Nick explains even though I barely asked for an explanation.

"Didn't wake up with all the yelling, Nicko?"

"You were yelling at John." he says as he plumps down next to me. "Was that a dream?"

I shake my head.

"What did that asshole do to you?"

"Not to me." I say, gently holding Jay's wounded hand up.

"He did that?" Nick grimaces.

"Not on purpose." I kiss Jay's finger and set it back down. "John's guitar string broke and shit."

"That doesn't happen a lot." He drapes his arm over my shoulders. "Heck, it doesn't happen at all. He's been acting strange lately."

"Speaking of acting strange," I playfully slap the worry off his face. "I was talking to Jess the other night, she said you talk about me a lot."

"Is that strange?" Nick raises his eyebrows."Why would I not talk about you?"

"What about me is there to talk about? How I'm all fucked up?" I joke.

"There's a lot about you to talk about, what are you saying?!" His voice raises like it always does when he knows he would have a good argument to lay out.

"Like what?" I ask after I shush him down otherwise he will wake Jay up.

"Well, like how your hair's all red like mine." Nick says and messes my hair up. "And how I think you're really adorable."

We both end up keeping quiet after this.

And he's feeling awkward, so he attempts to get a conversation going again. "So,"

I don't like it when things get awkward with Nick, so I ride along. "So,"

He squirms. "Remember.. The night before we flew to Phoenix?"

"Sure." I say.

"Remember when you.." I can tell he brought it up just because his mind went blank, he ran out of things to say.

"What?"

"When you.."

I know what he's talking about.. What he's trying to say, anyway. When I kissed him. I should save him the trouble and finish for him, but I want to hear him say it. "When I what?"

"Nothing, just.. Never mind." He shrugs and starts getting up. "I'm hungry--"

I can't let this go without discussion, so before he even gets on his feet, I grab the collar of his shirt and catch his lips with mine.

He doesn't protest for a second, then he pulls away. "What'd you do that for?"

Impulse. "I.. I don't know."

"Iann,"

"Nick,"

"Iann."

"Nick."

Nick shakes his head.

"I wanted to try it." It's a stupid thing to say, but it's better than me and Nick just calling each other back and forth over and over again. And it's better than nothing.

"You wanted to try it." Nick makes a face at me. "Do you know how stupid that sounds to me?"

"Yes, I do." I say. He knew exactly what I was thinking.

"Well, okay." Nick sighs and wipes the grimace away before running his fingers through his hair.

Well, okay. My heart sinks. That's all he has to say? What about me?

What about how I feel?

It's only now that I realize how complicated I'm making things.

There's the whole Jay being John's situation, and hating Dani, helping Kennedy.. And now I think I that I just might be falling for my best friend.

I wish I didn't think about it when Nick told me to go ahead in bed the night before we left for Phoenix. I wish I just packed my shit with him so I didn't end up thinking about it. I wish I just went right to sleep.

It's so stupid. How could I think about Nick this way? I mean, he wouldn't think of me the same way, what's the point?

And not to mention that this stupid cliche problem when you fall in love with your best friend and you don't want to fuck anything up, especially not your friendship, isn't something I'd want on my plate. I already have too much.

I feel my heart sinking some more at just the thought of losing Nick over this stupid feeling I can't even decipher.

And he sees this. "Hey,"

I don't mind him. I'm drowning in my thoughts. This isn't good.

"Come here, Iann." Nick requests. He moves Jay gently off my lap and makes me lean my head on his chest. "If it makes you feel any better, I wanted to try it too."

Instead of getting surprised at his response, I don't think about my own before saying it. "But you know how stupid it sounds."

"I do," he groans. "But don't feel bad about this."

"But I do feel bad about it now," I admit, even though I'm not entirely sure about what we're talking about. "Sorry."

"No, don't feel bad." Nick lets out a light laugh. "Listen, Iann. We're best friends, right? This shouldn't be a problem."

And suddenly, I'm more confused with what he means by this. I'm confused with everything.

"Plus," he tilts my chin up and looks into my eyes. "I wanted to try it for some time now; Since it finally happened, I'm all good."

How long? What? What did he just say? Did I hear it right? Did he even say anything? I can't think straight.

"But I do wanna try it again. Hope you don't mind." Why the fuck is this happening? There are fucking butterflies in my stomach now. It's just Nick pulling me in. I'm not supposed to be feeling anything. This isn't even going to be our first kiss.

He's kissing me.

I conclude this is where the butterflies are coming from because the moment he deepens the kiss, those butterflies go crazy.

Am I really doing this? Am I really feeling this? And is this really happening?

Maybe I'm dreaming.

But we all know the what happened the last time I thought I was dreaming.

Nick and I spend a lot of time fooling around. Halvo takes care of Jay and it's just me and Nick for a while. Halvo didn't see anything wrong with the contact Nick and I were making. And that's okay.

I missed this, and it's only been 2 freaking days.

Soon, Nick's tickling me. And this is all too cliche to be happening to us, but we fall over and we end up just looking each other in the eye.

Those blue green eyes. Those eyes that made me safe, made me feel a lot less alone. Those blue green eyes that barely contrasted my blue ones.

I feel all warm looking at him this way, even though I know this could possibly be wrong.

Either way, I find myself pulling him down for another kiss, and he doesn't object.