Hey Niki

The next time I was due to see my mother she phoned the day before and told me that visits had been cancelled for the week so I couldn't come and see her. I was disappointed seeing as it had been two months since I had last seen her, but she arranged for me to visit her the next month. It went slowly and I didn't like that I had to wait yet another month to see her. However during the wait to see her I took to spending time with Mikey, something that Tomos seemed to encourage and then make fun of. It was entertaining, to say the least, but I was okay with it.

After the first time of going out with Mikey, it happened several other times as the weeks went by. It never happened on weekdays because I was still into my school work and it wasn't something that I would put on hold just to go out with someone, even if I did like the person. Mikey was cute and the conversations we had were interesting at times. The thing with Mikey was that I was the one who kissed him, not the other way around. It was the reason why we hadn't gone all the way because with my last boyfriends they had been bold about it and it was a mutual want, but with Mikey he didn't once give me the feeling that he wanted to go all the way, and he most certainly was not bold about it. It was refreshing for some time and then it got a bit annoying because I wasn't used to the guy being shy like he was. I never let him know that it was annoying me in little bits, though, because I knew that it wasn't his fault. He's shy and that's that. I'm not so shy so I don't feel embarrassed over mundane things such as suggesting sex, but for some reason I didn't say anything about it to him. Maybe because I was waiting to see whether he would say it, I really don't know.

With the fact that I was a year older than Mikey it meant that I rarely saw him in school, and I certainly never sat by him whenever I did see him. The one class I had with him I had a seat already and he had his so it wasn't like either of us was going to change, especially as I had people next to me as did he. Lunch time was no different because I continued sitting with Alexandria and he sat with Tomos and their friends. He did offer the two of us to sit with them but I declined because I knew that Alexandria didn't know any of the people on their table and she wasn't good with boys, even if they weren't boys that she liked.

It wasn't official whether we were actually dating but I assumed we were because we continued going out and some days he came back to my uncle's house to see me rather than to hang out with Tomos. Tomos found that funny at the start but less as it increased. I wasn't bothered too much with what he thought so it didn't bother me that he slowly disliked Mikey spending more time with me than with him.

It was the Tuesday of the week that I was due to go visit my mother. The visit was scheduled for the Friday and the whole day at school on the Tuesday crept by slowly. Chess Club went even slower and was starting to get on my nerves because of several of the boys. I didn't talk to them, though. There was no need for me to talk to them like I would do with Alexandria because I wasn't friends with any of them. It didn't mean that I didn't interact with them, though, because I did. It was a club, after all, and they were members of it much like I was.

When it finished I walked back to my uncle's house with Alexandria. Both of us had our hoods up seeing as it was raining quite hard. She told me about how she and Chris had spoken before school this morning and how she was getting better with speaking to him. She told me that she felt more relaxed in the conversation but still didn't feel as comfortable as she did when she spoke to me. I suggested that she visualise me when she spoke to Chris but she just laughed and told me that she wouldn't be able to do that because then she'd make an even bigger fool of herself by telling him something that she meant for me.

When we got to the house we headed for the stairs but stopped when my aunt called. "Niki, there's a phone call for you!"

I frowned slightly before going into the sitting room were she was. Tomos was sat on the couch with his friends, watching something on the television. My aunt was stood by the phone, holding it out to me. I approached her and took it from her hand before bringing it to my ear. "Hello?" I asked.

"Niki, its Carol. Listen, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but something's happened with your mum," she told me.

"What happened, Carol? Is she alright?"

"She . . . she tried to kill herself, Niki," she explained. I opened my mouth to say something but no words escaped. I felt incapable of speaking. My mother tried to kill herself. She wouldn't do such a thing, I know her. She's my mother and I know what she's like so I know that there is no way she would ever attempt to kill herself, no matter the circumstances. Anyway the circumstances weren't that bad. We weren't completely cut off from one another, and sure we don't see each other that often, but she must still know that I love her. I would never stop loving her, no matter what she did in life. She's my mother.

"Niki?" Tomos asked from the couch when it was quiet for more than five minutes. I knew Carol was still on the other end of the phone. I could hear her breathing.

I shook my head slowly and gripped the phone tighter. "How do you know, Carol? What happened?"

"I'm the one who gets the news about what happens to her."

"But I'm her daughter," I reminded.

"You're a minor, Niki. That's what they care about. I get the news and then am responsible for telling you," she explained. I nodded at her words. "She's currently in the prison hospital but they're thinking of having her talk to the psychiatrist."

I ran my hand through my hair but stopped short when my fingers almost pulled too many strands out from my plait. "Why?"

"She stabbed herself in the neck, Niki," she confessed.

My legs buckled and I sunk into the chair next to the table. I brought my free hand up to my mouth and held it there. My mind refused to accept what she was saying. My mother was not the person to do something like that and there is no way she had done it now. Not after everything we've been though. Not after everything she's put me through. I refused to believe it.

"They're thinking of having her transferred depending on what the psychiatrist says," Carol continued when I didn't answer.

I slowly brought my hand down from my hand and let out a small breath. "Transferred where?" I asked.

"To a psychiatric ward."

"My mother's not crazy!" I exclaimed down the phone. "She doesn't belong on a psychiatric ward. How could they even think that?" I stopped for a moment and composed my thoughts. Not once did I acknowledge any of the people in the room. I should have but I didn't, and it was a mistake I didn't realise until later. "Wait . . ." I thought over her words and figured something out. "What aren't you tell me, Carol?"

"What? Niki, why would yo--"

I cut her off. "They wouldn't want to transfer her to a psychiatric ward just after one attempt. That doesn't make any sense. So wha–this isn't her first attempt, is it?" I choked out.

She sighed heavily down the phone. "Your mum . . . she begged me not to tell you, Niki. You're all she cares about and she knew that it would destroy you to find out that being inside is ruining her. Do you not remember how you took it when she got arrested? She tried to protect you by making me promise not to tell you about the previous ones," she responded.

"But why?" I begged.

"I'm afraid I don't know the answer," she admitted.

I closed my eyes and rested my head in my palm, my elbow on the table next to the phone. "What am I going to do, Carol?" I pleaded, hoping she'd give me an answer to something that I didn't think could be answered. I hoped that she could, or that she could at least pretend that she knew the answer and lie to me. That would be the best thing at the moment and even if I knew it was a lie, I wouldn't care. It's better than the truth because right now, the truth isn't something I'm accepting. A part of me wished that she never told me about this, that she allowed me to stay oblivious to the state my mother was in. It was hard enough coping while she was in prison, but knowing that all the while I've been doing okay with school and having someone that I think is my boyfriend spend time with me, she's been feeling that bad that she attempted to take her own life on numerous occasions.

"Oh, Niki. I wish I knew, I really do, but I don't." She had a sympathetic tone in her voice but it didn't do anything for me. "But I want you to know that my house is open for you. If you ever feel like you need to be closer to your mother, feel free to just call me and let me know. I'll set the guest room up for you."

"Thank you," I murmured.

"I'm sorry, I really am," she apologised. "I wish you the best, and I'm extremely sorry about before." With that she hung up the phone, allowing the consistent buzzing to fill my hearing. It took me a few moments to realise that I still had the phone in my hand, and when I actually acknowledged it I couldn't bring myself to place it back on the base. I just let it drop to the table as I stood up.

Tomos and his friends were watching me from the couch, Mikey too. Both he and Tomos were looking concerned, as was Alexandria and my aunt. But I didn't take notice of any of them as I crossed the room and headed for the stairs.

"Niki, what's wrong?" my aunt asked as she followed me. I reached the bottom of the stairs before I turned to face her.

"Is this my fault?" I asked. "All she wanted me to do was be able to go to college. That's all she ever wanted, and if she had never wanted that then this would never have happened. So is it my fault?"

She stepped closer to me. "Of course not. None of this is your fault. How could you think such a thing?"

I shook my head before turning back around and climbing the stairs, not bothering with answering her question. I reached my room and entered it, closing the door behind me and blocking the door so that no one could bother me. There was no way I would be able to deal with anyone tonight, not after what Carol had just told me. I couldn't focus on anything I needed to do so I just laid on my bed and tried to find the answer as to how my mother could have been so miserable and I hadn't noticed when I saw her. I felt disappointed and almost disgusted with myself with the fact that I didn't notice.

It made me feel worse than I had ever felt before, but I knew I deserved to feel worse.