Give Into Me

The nausea had eased down, but my head was still spinning. It seems as though the world around me, was slowly falling apart. I had lost control of everything.

I don’t have a best friend.
I don’t have Ricky.
I hate CJ.
My mom hasn’t called me.

And best of all, here I am parked in front of my house, with my face smashed against the steering wheel, washing it with my never ending tears.
Struggling to take the key out of the car, I drag myself out of the car, slowly treading through the uncut grass. I desperately search through my bag, trying to find my house key. It had always been a bad habit of mine to just throw my little Hello Kitty covered key freely in my bag.
“Fuck!” I yell, not being able to find my dam key.

Then I remember my mom putting a spare key around the front porch. I begin to rummage viciously through the dirt, trying to find the key. From the corner of my eye, I see the fake fucking rock saying Welcome and remember how it can open holding the spare key.

Opening the door was like stepping into a dam meat locker. It was cold, even though it was the perfect temperature outside. I shut the door behind me, reaching blindly to lock it. I dragged my feet to my room, to just throw myself on the bed.

There I lay with arms and legs lying lifelessly on the bed and hair sprawled. The ceiling stares back at my sad puffy eyes. I was always an ugly crier. Even though I just got into the biggest fucking whatever you call what I’ve been through, I had one thing on my mind, Ricky . I wanted to be in his strong embrace while he whispers sweet tones in my ear. I had fallen so dam hard, that I had weirdly become dependent on him.

Minutes have passed, and still no sign, or call, from my mom. As if I had completely fallen off the edge of the world, my mom hasn’t bothered to even come home.
Steadily, I walk down the stairs, trying to not feel like the world is spinning beneath my feet. I rummage through drawers trying to find the tiny Advil bottle, in attempt to ease the pounding within my temples.

A faint tap sounds at my door. I walk over to the door, cursing under my breath, wishing I had a window or peep hole near my door to see who it was.

It could be anyone.
The abnormal heart beat sounds once more even underneath my sweater. I open the door to face his piercing eyes.

“Go away.” I try to close the door, but his big ass foot, just had to get in the way.

“Lucy, I was only trying to protect you from the past.” He says attempting to set foot in my house.

‘You lied to me!” I scream starting to hit him, which was a horrible attempt, as he now has both my wrist with the deadly grip of his hands.

“I didn’t mean to, I just I can’t have you hate me the way you did, it fucking kills me Luce!” His deep voice sounds as I try to wiggle my wrist out of his grip.

“Oh really? So your attempt of trying to get to know me better was placing a shitty bet on me and then oh I don’t know conjure up some sick twisted plan to just fill my head with lies? Good one! No! Great one! Derrick that was the fucking best way possible to really get to know someone, really it was.” I say stopping my horrid attempts, seeing it was no use.

“I didn’t lie, I told you the truth, the truth about my longing for a relationship with you since fucking seventh or eighth grade, but know you just tossed that out the fucking window. I poured my heart out to you, and you,” he shakes his head, “ you fucked me over.” He said releasing my wrists.

“Really? I thought you just wanted me for a nice fuck, remember? I wasn’t what you needed or wanted. How you thought you wanted me, but really you didn’t.” I cocked my hip.

“Yeah, okay you got me there, but what was I supposed to do, stick around while you pretend to like me, I heard you and Emily talking at the cabin.”

Confusion soon vanishes as I remember talking to Em at the cabin about Ricky.

“Did you bother to listen to the entire conversation, when I said I could never do that to you?” I looked at him with sad eyes, as tears began to form.

He searched my eyes, while his right hand cupping my face, he clearly didn’t.

I swat his hand away, “Go away, Ricky, go use your prize money for breaking my heart, and go away.” My sad eyes turn cold.

×××

My feet dangle out of the white tub, as I take slow puffs of the cigarette placed between my index and middle finger. I hate smoking, but right it seemed to be easing me. I shove my ears through the water letting myself listen to my own heart beat underneath the water. Ricky told me, the simple sound of my heart beat, makes him fall asleep. How it was almost like a lullaby to him.
I sit back up observing the cigarette burn slowly. I looked at the tip of it to hand repeatedly, enjoying the rush of having to make the decision of burning myself with it or not. The small grin on my face faded into a straight line as I dumped the cigarette into the tub, making my decision.

Don’t hurt yourself Luce, don’t do it

I drain the tub, leaving my naked body in the empty tub, with the cigarette shoved in the corner of the bath tub.
I step out wrapping a towel around myself. I reach over to the window opening it, releasing the smell of smoke.
Underneath the sink, I grab the mouth wash, rinsing away the bitter taste of the cigarette.

Now in Victoria’s Secret Pj pants and a band tee, I sit here on the couch, flipping through what seems like endless channels.

The sound of the door opening startles me, until I see my mother’s petite figure walk to where I am.

“My baby.” She almost runs to me, shoving her boobs in my face. She back away and places her hands on my shoulders.
“What’s wrong baby?” she looks at me concerned.

“I’m a fuck up mom. I’m a motherfucking fuck up. I have no best friend, no lover, no acquaintance, no nothing! I fell for him mom, I let him put his beautiful eyes and adorable smile in my head, and it screwed me up. I’m damaged goods now mom, damaged.” I pouted, somewhat resembling a little kid upset over a broken cookie, or something.

“Oh baby, I'm a fuck up. You-you're just confused.” She hugs me, as I scrunch my eyebrows at the overuse of the term ‘baby’.

“I got played mom.” I run my index finger underneath my eye.

“ I’m guessing this has to do with the trip you went on.” She looks at me.

“Everything to do with it mom, everything.”