"Baby, My Name's Alex."

I didn't know what to do anymore. This stupid concussion was holding me back from doing anything. I couldn't go out with Alex and everyone when they went to the bars, couldn't go for my daily run, couldn't turn the lights on too bright, couldn't watch tv for too long, and what killed me the most was I couldn't listen to music that loud. All I could basically do was sleep. 

I was so sick of sleep. 

---------------
About two weeks later, I finally felt better. Well headache wise I felt better. I had been thinking about my mom leaving a lot since I fell. I felt so shitty about that. 

Every time I thought about her leaving, I thought of all the mistakes I made after she left. Losing my virginity to Kyle, doing drugs after he left, drinking a lot, skipping the last month of high school, and thinking that everyone will leave me. When I moved into the city, my dad decided to leave and move to North Carolina. He never told me where so I added him to the list of people who didn't love me enough to stay. 

What I didn't tell Alex was I was a mess in high school. I had cut my wrists until my dad noticed so then I turned to drugs and drinking. When those almost killed me, I snapped out of my bad ways and realized its not worth it. Taylor was the only one who stuck with me through all the pain, mostly because we're the only ones who stayed in Boston. But I loved her for helping me get better until now.

Now I felt useless again. I hadn't done anything around the house because of the concussion and I could tell Alex was getting frustrated. I felt as useless to him I was to my mom. 

I didn't know why I was making myself feel so bad. I had blocked out everything with my mom and what happened in high school until Alex proposed. 

We were laying on the couch watching tv and he had fallen asleep. I looked at him and sighed. I kissed his head and walked upstairs to the bathroom. I looked into the mirror and saw my hair was a mess, my pants were baggy and my shirt had  rolled up around my stomach. Why did Alex find me attractive? 

I looked around the bathroom. I grabbed my razor from the shower and put it on the counter. I stared at it, then stared at my left wrist. 
In high school I had always cut my right wrist to the point where I could do anything with my left hand even though I was a righty. 
I picked up the razor and took the cover off the blades. I took a deep breath and slowly dragged the razor against the skin of my left wrist. I bit my tongue so I would t make any noise. I dragged the razor a few more times until I heard Alex coming upstairs. 

"Liz? You in the bathroom?" he asked.
"yeah I'll be out in a second." I tried to say normally. I looked around frantically trying to find something to cover my arm. Of course I was wearing a short sleeve shirt. Some stuff fell over and made a loud noise.

"Liz you okay?"
"yeah I'm fine." I answered. I started putting everything back and started stressing.

"oh my god. What did you do?" Alex whispered. He had opened the door and I didn't hear him. I stood there frozen. I looked at him then at my wrist then at him and covered my arm with a towel, which stung like a bitch. I winced a little.
"Alex I can explain." I finally said.
"why?" was all he said. I could see the obvious disappointment. 
"I feel useless." I shrugged and felt tears forming in my eyes. "I thought it was bothering you how useless around the house I've been. And I thought no one lived me enough to stay with me like my parents, friends and Kyle." I tried to not burst out crying.
"Liz, cutting is never the answer." he said quietly as he took the towel off my arm and grabbed another cloth to clean up my arm. The stinging was too much. I let a few tears fall and Alex wiped the rest away with his thumb. 

He wrapped gauze around my arm in silence. A very tense, awkward silence.

"I'm sorry. I've been thinking about my past a lot lately and that's what put me here. It's not fair to you to do this. I wasn't thinking of how it would effect you." I said.
"okay." he mumbled. He held my hand and walked me to his bed and laid down. I laid next to him. 

"you okay?" I whispered.
"what about your past were you thinking about?" he asked softly, I sighed and told him everything, even if I was scared. He listened carefully like no one else had before. I then repaid him by listening to him talk about his brother. I knew it was a rare thing for him to talk about his brother so I listened and we both ended up crying.

It was a long but refreshing night.