Going Through The Motions

Perhaps it was the lack of the salty and sandy beach that had Brian so down. Even after having lived in Aurora, Colorado for seven months, Brian still felt that pang in his stomach when he woke each morning. He hated that town more than anything; even his parents. Yes, Brian had taken a certain loathing to his parents since their decision to move. And it wasn’t the fact that they up-rooted Brian from his home that made him so hateful of them. It was the fact that they’d taken him from his best friend; his only friend. Zack Baker still remained that one life-line; that one connection to Brian’s home.
After the first two months of Brian’s relocation, Zack’s parents had allowed them to speak on the phone; but only for a half hour, once a week.
Brian’s parents blamed Zack for their joy-riding incident; Zack’s parents blamed Brian. And, in turn, both sets of parents were in a disagreement with the other.
With the little contact that they had, Brian and Zack began to drift apart. Their weekly phone conversations were awkward, and short. Things had never been awkward between the two. They’d seen each other naked, and knew the most embarrassing stories from the other. Hell, Brian had even asked Zack to look at his balls, after finding a rash forming there.
Brian hated every second he was away from his friend, and wallowed in his own depression. He had no friends in Aurora, and spent all of his free time in his bedroom.
Zack, on the other hand, had taken Brian’s place in the ranks. Before Brian had left, he was the top dog in school; the most popular, the most loved. Zack was merely his sidekick. Though, after he’d moved, Zack had taken his place; his friends.
Slowly, Zack grew to love the spotlight; the fame. As a result, he had less time to talk to Brian; and they grew further apart.

--

A year after Brian had moved, the weekly phone calls turned into monthly phone calls. Zack had friends to be with; people to impress.
When Zack did call, it was always cut short. He had someone at his front door; dinner was ready; homework was due. There was always an excuse.
Brian felt a little bitter by this. Had it not been for him, Zack would still be the little loser in the corner, hiding from his own reflection. Had he not pulled Zack into his world, his group, the younger boy would still be talking to him.
Brian tried to make friends, to spite Zack, but his heart wasn’t in it. The people he talked to were there to keep him company during school hours, but could never fill the void he felt.
Brian told himself that he would ignore Zack’s calls, but found himself answering each time, just to hear the younger boy’s voice.

--

It was just after Brian’s sixteenth birthday when he realised that his feelings for Zack were more than just of friendship.
Zack had called at midnight, the clock just ticking over to July seventh; Brian’s birthday. Brian had been sleeping, and was annoyed, and slightly angry, at the person calling. He answered the call with a snap, rubbing his eyes.

‘I just wanted to call, and say happy birthday,’ Zack small voice had spoken. He was being quiet, in fear that his parents would wake, and find him. Although they had lightened up; allowing Zack to have his phone back, and leave the house; the subject of Brian was touchy. He was still in their bad books.

‘Thank you,’ Brian had replied, at a loss of what to say. Zack had always been the first to wish Brian a happy birthday; calling as soon as the clock ticked over. Though, Brian had expected Zack to forget that year.

‘I’ll let you get back to sleep. I miss you,’ Zack had whispered, his voice almost too low for Brian to hear.

‘I miss you, too,’ came Brian’s soft reply. Zack had hung up before Brian could say anything else.

--

For weeks after the call, Brian battled with his inner voice. It told him to stop being an idiot, and move on. Of course he missed Zack; they had been friends for a long time.
No matter how many times that little voice told Brian that his feelings were nothing more than those of friendship, he couldn’t help but think about the possibilities. Zack knew him inside, and out; they fought like a married couple, and Brian knew he couldn’t live without Zack by his side.

--

In Huntington Beach, Zack Baker was sitting at his desk, reading over the booklist from his English class. Had any of his “friends” asked, Zack would have said he’d never read any of the books mentions. The truth was, he’d read all but one; The Portrait of a Lady.
Since the day Brian had moved away, Zack had been forced into his place; the king of the popular’s. It wasn’t something he’d wanted. In fact, Zack had wanted to slip back into the shadows, where he could sulk in peace. Now, he had to pretend to be someone he wasn’t; Brian.
What upset Zack the most, was that the group had pretty much forgotten about their previous leader. It was as if Brian had never existed.

--

Unlike Zack’s “friends”, he intended to read the books assigned. He lied, and said he was ill, just so he could read the only book he needed to. Sadly for him, his mind was far away. He’d read the same passage about four times, but still had no clue what was going on.
Brian whizzed in and out of Zack’s brain, like a dirty, great fly. One of the characters in the book, Eden, or something like that, took the shape of Brian in Zack’s mind, even though his description was of no resemblance.

It’d been five months since Zack had called Brian for his birthday; Zack’s own merely days away. Since then, they’d spoken twice.
Deep down, Zack dreaded his birthday. Every year, Brian had called at the stroke of midnight, just like Zack did for him.
Zack feared that Brian wouldn’t call. He half expected it, really, but he knew that his already broken heart would shatter.
Over the year and however-many-months Brian had been gone, Zack had started to feel lost; and it wasn’t just because of his new life, either.
Brian had been Zack’s rock. From the death of Zack’s Aunt Hayden, to the out-break of chicken-pox; Brian had been there. Brian had comforted Zack while he cried, and spread cream on his itching skin.
Before the move, many had made jokes about Zack and Brian’s friendship; how it had to be more that just that. The two had denied it. Zack had always wondered what it would be like to be <i>with</i> Brian. Would their friendship change completely?
Zack was far from straight, but he wasn’t completely gay, either. He was part of the minority, who didn’t have a label for their sexuality.

--

Zack counted down the days to his birthday, hoping to whoever had the power that he could fall into a coma for those 24hours.
Of course, on the day of Zack’s birthday, he was awoken rudely. It was a Sunday, and everyone in Zack’s house was fast asleep. Zack was in between sleep, and being awake. He was aware of the noises around him: window opening, cursing from a deep voice, something falling; his mind just wasn’t registering it. That was, until, a hand covered Zack’s mouth, and an arm wrapped around his body. He was torn from the bed by a larger body. He tried to scream, but the hand over his mouth just muffled his cries.
Zack was really beginning to panic, before he heard the tell-tale laugh of Jacoby. The boy’s laugh sounded like a hyena, with a prominent wheeze.
The boy gripping Zack loosened his grip, but still held firm.

‘Happy birthday, Zack,’ the boy whispered, laughing quietly.
For the rest of the day, Zack was stuck with his “friends”. They had arranged a party for him, which basically involved beer, and a joint being passed around them all. Zack refused the joint, but drank the beer.
By the time Zack finally escaped from the hazy room, it was well passed ten; the sky already pitch black.
When Zack returned home, his parents were waiting in the living room, baring gifts, and a large chocolate cake. On any other night, they would have been yelling at their son for being home so late, but they resisted.
Zack opened his gifts, and ate his cake; thanking his parents as he bid them goodnight. Instead of showering, Zack crawled straight into bed, kicking his jeans off from underneath the blanket.
Just as Zack was falling his asleep, his phone began to ring loudly. For a second, he considered letting it ring out, but, at the last second, he dived for his jeans; barely catching the call before it rang out. He didn’t even have time to check the caller ID.

‘Hello?’ Zack answered, rubbing his sore eyes, cursing his friends silently.

‘Happy birthday,’ a small voice spoke. Zack’s heart stopped for a second, rendering him unable to speak.
‘I’m sorry I didn’t call earlier. I thought you would have been busy,’ Brian spoke softly, feeling slightly awkward as the silence continued.

‘You’re more important than them,’ Zack whispered back, pulling himself onto his bed again. He couldn’t deny that he had been a little crushed by the lack of phone call, but he’d tried to ignore it all day.
‘I thought you’d forgot,’ Zack confessed, feeling more vulnerable in that moment than he had in his entire life.

‘I’ve known you too long to forget, Zee,’ Brian smiled, his heart giving a painful tug in his chest.
‘Why did everything change, Zee? We were so close, for so long,’ Brian asked, sounding so broken.

‘I don’t know, B. I miss you so much,’ Zack said, letting out a sigh. Every feeling he had ever had for Brian was coming forth; bubbling to the surface.
The line was silent for a moment, the two just savoring the moment.

‘I love you, Zack. I wish I’d realized sooner,’ Brian finally admitted, his eyes closed, as he waited for Zack’s reaction. He expected to be yelled out, or hung up on.

‘I love you, too,’ Zack replied after another pause, his heart hammering away in his chest, threatening to burst from his chest.

‘God damn it, Zack! Why? Why now?’ Brian snapped, more so at himself. He couldn’t help thinking that knowing this sooner, they wouldn’t have been separated.

‘You would’ve hated me if I’d told you sooner,’ Zack whispered, his eyes searching his dark room; for what, he didn’t know. His curtains were open, letting the glow of the crescent moon bathe his room.

‘No, I wouldn’t,’ Brian said, breathing out a sigh. He could hear Zack breathing softly, assuring him that the younger boy was still on the line.

‘Bullshit. Whenever Matt would pick on me for “looking gay”, you’d side with him, because you’re so homophobic,’ Zack hissed, feeling the anger he’d bottled up for months rising. The anger wasn’t even directed at Brian, it was just the fact that he was there; the only person Zack could fire at.
‘You’re a fucking hypocrite, Brian. Look who’s the fag, now,’ Zack spat, feeling slightly better. For years, he’d wanted to call Brian out for his faults, just to deflate that ego of his.
Zack had imagined how he was going to spill his guts to Brian; how Brian would take the news. Each fantasy ended happy; not in a fight over something stupid.

‘I’m not a fag,’ Brian growled. Maybe he was just too proud, but Brian would never identify himself as a “fag”. The only male he’d ever felt anything for was Zack. No, that didn’t make him gay. At least, that’s how he reasoned.

‘Fuck you, Brian,’ Zack spat, hanging up on the older boy. Zack’s phone was pegged across the room, the back cover, and the battery falling out. Zack just left it there, while he curled up in bed, seething. Part of him wanted to piece his phone back together, and call Brian back, to apologize, because that is not how a love declaration is meant to go. The other part, though, kept Zack in bed, mind reeling.

--

Whether it be because they were both too proud, or too ashamed, neither boy called the other back for a long while. Each went on with their lives, pretending to be happy, even though they were broken on the inside.
Brian made friends, rather quickly, too, just to spite Zack. Zack, who already had friends, fell into Brian’s old role with ease, no longer hating it as much as he had.
Life seemed picture-perfect.