All Your Fault

I’m surrounded by white.
By emptiness that threatens to engulf me in its arms.
But, somehow it’s very peaceful.
In an unsettling sort of way.

I’m spinning, trying to make sense of where I am. It’s silent, too silent for my liking. I don’t know which way is up, or which way is down. I feel lost, but it’s like I know where I am.

“Hello?” I call out, my voice echoing. It sounds far away, and fluttery. This place is strange, yet I’m not terrified like everybody in their right mind would be. But I suppose I’m not in my right mind, now am I?
I spin in circles a few more times, trying to spot something I could mentally hold onto, to grip tightly and never let go.

Nothing.

I stand for a few moments, gathering everything that’s happened. My best friend telling me to die. My best friend not caring, as I drown myself. I don’t even understand the depths of the current situation.

Why can I think? Am I in heaven right now? Can I have a sign? I chant in my head in synchronization.

Finally, flashes of light flick before my eyes. I’m seeing my childhood, opening presents on Christmas, my birthday, blowing out candles, play dates, tears when my grandfather died. The images slow down, and zoom toward me, focused on one specific image.

When Mattie and I became friends.

Everything around me disappears, and all I see is the way I met her, and became friends right before my eyes. I’m focusing hard on the dancing colors, and it settles, playing out my life. Bit by painful bit. Every single detail, and emotion, in crisp and very realistic color.

”Hey uhm… Do you mind if I sit here for lunch?” I look up, and I see a pretty, blonde staring down at me. I look around the empty staircase wondering who she was talking to, before I realized she was talking to me. I wasn’t alone in the staircase, there were a few Asian guys sitting across from me, mixing beats on their computer. But I had my head buds shoved deep into my ears, blasting loud music. I was in between songs when she asked.
“Uh, yeah... sure.” I shrug, and nod toward the other side of the stairwell, near the Asians. Instead she sits right next to me. Right. Beside. Me.
“So how are you? My name’s Maddison by the way. What’s yours?” She offers her hand, and smiles genuinely. I shrug, take her hand and mutter under my breath.
“Paisely”
“That’s a really pretty name. So, do you have English this semester?”

I began checking her out, not in a sexual way, but in a wondering, sort of way. Why had I not noticed her before? Maybe I had seen her with some of the kids I used to hang out with. Whatever, I didn’t know. But for some odd reason, I really liked her. I found myself answering to her, and opening my English book.

“Yeah, first semester, right now. Just remember pre-fixes go at the start of a word…” I let myself smile slowly, before opening my English binder, and tossing my ear buds aside. Her face lit up, and we sprawled across the stairwell, English notes everywhere. Somehow, we made our own little study group. I don’t know how it happened, but it did. We started making stupid little tricks to remember things.

“Compound words mix together… like, they have sex and make babies! Two people make one baby, so two parts make one word.” Maddison giggled, her face turning red at the mention of sex, and flipped her book over.

We were both laughing, and smiling. The first time in a long time. It sort of felt nice to smile. Self-consciously, I flipped my hair backwards, and the purple splayed itself out onto my shoulders.

“Hey, wanna do that to my hair?” She stares in awe, smiling with her mouth pursed in an awkward ‘O’ shape, and points to the purple poking through my upper brown layer.

“Sure. You gotta come sleepover though!” I laugh, and pass her my number.

She types it into her phone, and then frowns slightly.

“My moms here, I gotta go. I’ll see you tomorrow? Meet you here?” I nod; as she gathers her things, stuff them in her bag, and bounds down the stairs and out the side door.”

The memory flashes away and I’m surrounded by the empty whiteness again. I frown, as the memories start zooming around, making the white a little less empty. It was like it was snowing, really heavily, and there was cars driving in circles around me. Looking at the zooming memories, I slowly try and focus on a certain one. It works, and the next memory comes pulling into view. It’s the first time we had a sleepover. The first time we truly defined ourselves as best friends.

Maddison is leaning over the tub and I stand there washing the left-over dye out of her hair. She wraps her head in a towel, and I shut off the water and flop onto the ground. I’m brushed my wet, freshly dyed hair.
“How long does the dye last?” She asks, leaning against the tub, and towel drying her damp blonde and now purple hair.
“A couple months. Depending on the brand. This is the good shit, so it’ll last a longggg time.” I grin, reading the back of the box. I toss my brush to Maddison and she brushed out her hair. The purple stands out in her bleach blonde hair.
“That looks amazing! You look really pretty!” I smile.

Secretly, I’m jealous of her.

“Thanks. I’m hungry. Let’s go make pizza pops! I’m a pro-pizza-pop-maker.” She giggles and runs out of the bathroom and bounds down the stairs.

It freezes and fast forwards to a quick clip of later that night, in my dark room.

”Promise we’ll be best friends forever? No matter what? We’ll move to Cali, open a photography business, and live together!” Mattie says, locking her pinkie with mine.

“I promise. Best friends forever.” My eyes shine as I squeeze her pinkie tightly in my own.

The memory fades. I’m left sitting on the ground, or what I assume to be the ground tears streaming from my cheeks.

I lay flat on my back, watching the memories zoom past me. The day the bullying started. The way Mattie got into the bad crowd, with Claire, a snotty, bitchy black haired beauty, whom everyone loved, and Alexis, the beautiful blond haired leader. Mattie didn’t belong.

I watched them have sleepovers, discussing how ugly my hair was, or how short I am. The way Mattie blurted out all my secrets, the ones that we promised that would never be spoken of. I saw her shoving me into lockers, calling me worthless, and saying how I should just go cut myself. She ruined my life. In a way, it was my death. A slow, agonizingly painful death. Losing everything in my wake, loosing everything within my grasp.

And then the worst memory

The day my best friend killed me.

“Listen here you worthless piece of shit! The only reason I was your friend, was to build up my status. To make people notice me. You were used. Get it through your fucking head! I was never your friend, you stupid little twit.” She spat in my face.

I was cowering against the locker.

“Just… fuck off…” I mutter, tears threatening to fall from my eyes.

“Make me you little bitch. You know, I just want you to go cut yourself, or hang yourself. Just fucking kill yourself, you waste of space!” she screeched at me, before she kicks me in the gut, flicks her hair, and walks away laughing with Claire and Alexis.

I’m running out of school, home. I’m scribbling a note, putting it on my bed. I’m running out of the house again, towards the lake. The hangout spot where the druggies are. They don’t pay any attention, as I tie a rock to my ankle. A heavy rock. With a long length of strong twine. I’m looking into the murky, dark water. The tears that streaked my face before, now stopped, and I look solemn. Everything is slow motion. I hold the rock in my hand, and I run off the dock. I watch myself disappear into the water. Its like there's a camera watching me. I watch my self not even bothering to struggle against the water. I let the rock slip from my hands, and watch it dragging me down. The last little bit of air is escaping my lungs, bubbles circling around me. My eyes droop shut, and I look flawless, beautiful even. My hair flung out, floating around me. My eyes closed, my mouth into what looks like a smirk…

And it fades. I sit in complete silent, before I break into sobs, or what sound like sobs, that wrack my body. I’m holding my sides, screeching at the non-existent people. It seemed like no body cared. I died. I killed myself.

And lying here, in the white abyss, I don’t regret it.

Until the final vision floats toward me.

It’s Mattie, lying on her bedroom floor.

”God, why did I do this!” she sobs quietly, clutching a box of friendship we made. It had sticky notes, pictures, chats, and necklaces, everything we’ve ever done together. She was thumbing a frayed picture of us, wiping away her tears with a crumpled tissue.

“Pais, I’m so sorry…” She stutters brokenly, before she lays flat on her floor, bawling like a baby.

“I never meant this… I want my best friend back! I fucked up! And, we promised… we promised forever! Why!” She keeps screaming and groaning, clutching her sides, as if she’s trying to hold herself together.

It leaves as simple as it came.

I continue sobbing, rubbing my eyes with my sleeve.

“Oh god, Mattie.” I breathe out, hugging my knees to my chest, and wiping away the tears that are coming in a stream now. I don’t know what to say or do. I’m broken. It strikes me that she cared. She truly, honestly cared. I freeze, and pull my tear streaked face from my knees.

I just saw, the past, and the present.

So what about the future?