All Your Fault

I don’t know if I had fallen asleep of fainted or what. I didn’t know you could faint in Heaven or Hell, or whatever in between state I was in.

I’m in a forest.

I don’t know where, and I don’t know how.

What the fuck is going on?

I’m spinning. I open my eyes slowly, and survey the area with severe attentiveness, because of a fear the world was going to slip away to white nothingness again. The area was simple, yet complicated, as a forest usually would be I suppose. The smell of the moss, the feel of the cold, hard ground underneath my back. The tree canopies were dripping with condensation. The humid heat felt sticky, like it did at home. The ground was a mix of pine needles, tree sap, leaves and scattered stones. Something about this forest was vaguely familiar. My fingers twitch, grappling around my body, feeling the sharp edged rocks, and the crispy leaves that break away under my delicate finger tips.

Where am I?

I groan and crawl onto my hands and knees. The wet moss sticks to my jeans, and makes me uncomfortable, but I don’t care. I continue slowly standing up, before I wobble, completely loosing my balance and I stumble backwards, tripping over a tree root that of course just happens to be there. I land flat on my back, and make an “ouft” sound as all the air is knocked out of my lungs. The impact leaves me gasping for breath, the little amount of air hissing between my teeth. I lie in the mossy grass and stare at the trees’ long, winding branches, before I crawl to my knees and stand up. I shake the dizziness that had threatened to make me fall over again, and I plunge forward, toward what seems like light, and opening possibly. I look over my body, and realize, I look like I normally would; faded black jeans, a lime green V-neck t-shirt and a Varsity jacket. My name brand Nike’s are muddy around the bottom, but the bright colors still stick out. My Hello-Kitty necklace rests between my fluctuating chest, my hair cascading down across me as well. It was long, with the streaks of purple tangled in the brown massacre. There were a few dried-up leaves, and tiny twigs twisted in my tangled straightened hair, so, as I’m walking toward the light, I carefully tug them from the knots. The wind picks up as I get closer to the opening and the light is really bright, the sobbing louder. The wind picks up even more, and twists my finger-combed hair around my face again. I hold it out of my eyes, and step out into the opening.

A cemetery.

The sobbing is coming from near by, and as my eyes focus on the strong light, I see a figure in a long-sleeved baggy purple shirt, and a pair of faded jean shorts. I squint a little bit, before things come fully in focus. The person hunching over a headstone is a girl, with blonde hair. It’s a little over shoulder length. I take a few steps forward and the grass blows in the summery breeze. The girl lifts her face from her cupped hands, which were cradling her face, and she turns up toward the wind, letting her hair fly out behind her. She tilts her head and I get a full view of her face.

The girl crouching at the stone was Mattie.

I walk toward her, turning off to the side, so I’m standing behind her. I can feel the heat radiating off her back. Her shoulders are shaking, and sobs are echoing out of her mouth. I want to tug her into my arms and tell her it’s not her fault. But thing are so fucking complicated. I don’t think I could tell her it wasn’t her fault anyways, because I’m not a liar. I peer past her shoulder and read the Times New Roman cursive written on the headstone.

Paisely Anne. Rochelle.
May 12 1996-June 16th, 2012.

Every person, all the events of your life are there because you have drawn them there.
What you choose to do with them is up to you. Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.

I suck in a deep breath, and wipe the non-existent tears away from my cheeks. I had said that when Mattie was struggling with her parents death date. I’m wondering if I’m alive or dreaming. Because everything seems so perfect, and unbelievable. All these questions are flying through my head, until everything freezes in mid-thought, when Mattie’s hushed voice whispers against the breeze.

“I wish you were here…” she sighed brokenly, and I felt a strong tug at the pit of my stomach. I take an extra step toward her, and I reached my hand out, curling it around her shoulder, feeling the soft, silky fabric under my finger tips. She jumps, and whips her head around, her face solemn, her tears freezing from the steady stream that was pouring from her eyes. I take a sharp step back, and my whole body starts trembling.

“Who’s there?!” Mattie hisses, her fists clenching, and wrapping around her body.

I walk around her, and stand behind the headstone. I place my hands on the top of the smooth, curved granite, and lean forward.

“Mattie.” I speak her name in complete monotone, and she whips her head around again, frowning at the whistling wind.

“Oh god, I’m going insane.” She mumbles, rubbing her eyes, and then stares right above the headstone, her eyes feeling like their boring into mine. I try and look at her back, but it feels like she doesn’t even see me.

“Mattie, please…” I cry out quietly. She just keeps looking around.

“P-Paisely…” she says, and swipes at the tears that are now streaming from her sharp green eyes again. She always wore eyeliner and mascara, and it was smudging underneath her fingertips and across her cheeks. Her hair was getting caught on her eyelashes and wet face. I really wished the wind would stop.

As soon as I could that, the trees stopped whispering, the breeze completely stilling. I noticed it right away, and apparently, so did Mattie.

“What the fuck…” her breathing hitches, and she swipes at the hair in her eyes. She stares at the sky, and then looks back at the headstone. I wave my hands in front of me, and her eyes catch where my hand was. She slowly clambers to her knees, and then onto her feet, before her mouth sets into a perfect “O” shape. Her black Converse is all muddy from kneeling in front of the fresh mud, the long rectangle of where I was laid to rest. She starts backing away, her hands set out in front of her shaking. Turning in a full circle, Mattie shrieks and runs toward the gates of the cemetery. As she reaches them, I start running toward her, but she’s already awkwardly running away.

Wait, had she seen me?

Had she felt me?

I spun in a slow circle, putting my hands on my hips, and wondered why I was standing here, watching my best friend mourn over my death. The one she had encouraged. Suddenly, my stomach felt funny, and I looked down. My stomach was shimmering, as was the rest of my body. It started fading severely, and I could see through myself. My head started pounding, and I stared at the fading space around me.

And then I was flying in a whirl of emptiness.