Requiem

Senoma sits on the couch in her living room, her hand absentmindedly stroking her engorged stomach, as she stares straight ahead, willing time to turn back just six months. In her stomach grows a little baby, Josh Franceschi's baby, still so unaware and protected from the dangers of the world. The baby would be their second together, but the only one living.

The baby was destined to be a boy. The couple had decided to name him Colton, a common English name resigning from Leeds. They had looked through countless baby name books, filling up pages of a legal notepad with different options. Senoma didn't know why they had decided to name the baby boy Colton but together they thought it would fit him best, not to mention Josh was adamant that Colton was the name of a future ladies’ man, a trait every Franceschi boy must have. Without much argument, Senoma and Josh, along with their friends and family, both began referring to their unborn child as Colton.

Never in her life did Senoma picture herself being in this position; married, pregnant and heartbroken all at the same time. Despite what her family tells her, she takes full responsibility for what has happened these last few months. If only she had done a better job of being a mother, something her own mother never even tried to be, maybe she wouldn't have to prepare herself for the events that this day will bring.

"The funeral starts in an hour, love," Josh whispers to his wife from the doorway, adjusting his uncomfortable, black tie. Senoma tenses at the mention of what she has been planning for the last few days - a funeral for her daughter; something a mother should never have to attend.

"I know...I was trying not to think about it..." Senoma responds weakly, her gaze averting down to the ring around her finger sparkling from the sunlight, shining in through the large bay window.

"We have to go or we'll be late," Josh says as gently as he can muster, dreading today much like every other attendee.

Senoma shakes her head violently, "I don't want to go. It'll hurt too much. Please, Josh, don't make me go," she pleads, her eyes filling with tears.

"You know I would never make you do anything you don’t want to do. But she'd want us to go, Nomi..." Josh whispered. "She still needs you."

Senoma sighs, "Josh, I don't think I can hold myself together. It'll hurt too much to be that close to her."

Josh walked over to her and sits down beside her, pressing a loving kiss to her forehead and wrapping his arm around her waist, pulling her close. "It'll be okay, Senoma. I'll be right there with you, and so will your family and my family. You weren't the only one that lost a daughter, Senoma. I did too and I hurt every time I think about not being able to watch her make her first friends, or threaten her first boyfriend, or feel worry as she heads out on her first date or goes to prom. My heart breaks when I realize that I will never get to walk her down the aisle. " Josh's voice cracks as all these things begin to dawn on him and Senoma looks up at his crumbling facade, her eyes watering. She lays a gentle hand on his cheek, wiping tears away with her thumb as they slowly spill down his face. "I'm going to miss her so much, Nomi."

Never before has Senoma seen Josh cry. In all their years of knowing each other, he's always been the strong one. He’s always been the one to comfort her and tell her everything was going to be okay. And now, seeing him breakdown for the first time, it's too much for her.

A sob slips out through her chapped lips and she quickly wraps her arms around Josh's neck, tears slipping down her face and onto his black suit jacket, seeping into the fabric and disappearing, as though they had never been shed. Their bodies shake as they wrap their arms around each other, mournful cries ricocheting off every wall of their small home. Their sobs, sniffles, and cries are the only sound throughout the entire room. It’s a heart breaking sight as the couple let’s all their walls down, mourning the loss of their child as they prepare to bury her six feet underground.

It takes them a few good minutes to suppress their tears. When they finally stop, Josh carefully unwraps his arms from his broken wife and leans forward, grabbing two tissues from the box on the coffee table, handing one to Senoma and wiping his red eyes and nose with the other.

"We should go," Senoma whispers, keeping her stare down at her hands as she wrings them together in nervousness and anxiety. Josh looks over at her and with a gentle nod he stands up, wrapping one around her small waist and helping her stand up from the couch.

He kisses her forehead and then both cheeks lovingly, gently wiping tears and some falling mascara off her flushed cheeks. He tucks fallen hair behind her ear. Senoma forces a smile up at him and Josh does all he can to return the look, though neither one is able to muster up anything even remotely convincing.

Slowly, he leads her out of their house, helping her down the cement pathway and into his car. He helps her buckle her seatbelt as her hands are shaking too much to do it herself and closes the car door, making his way around the front as quickly as possible. After climbing into the driver’s seat and buckling up, they begin their journey to the cemetery.

Senoma sighs softly and gazes out the window, watching all the scenery pass by. She tears up as she remembers Leah's short blonde hair and her big blue eyes. Everyone used to say she has the biggest eyes they’ve ever seen – they always seemed so unfitting compared to her small body and round face. Senoma remembers her smile, a mirror image of Josh's playful smirk. She remembers how her little hands wrapped around her and Josh's fingers as they walked in the park and swung between her parents, her giggles loud and rhythmic.

Leah was a smart little girl, always eager to learn new things. A trait carried on from her father, she had a passion for music, even at such a young age. She loved listening to her daddy’s band and all his friends’ bands – though of course Senoma only allowed her to listen to the songs absent of curse words or vulgar innuendos. She loved to sit in the kitchen as Senoma cooked, banging pots and pans and shouting "Goodnight, New York City!", pronouncing each word in her four year old talk. She was talkative and always smiling – the perfect little girl and a child every parent wishes for. And all too soon she was taken away from everyone that loves her.

It didn’t seem fair to Senoma. How could God, a man who is supposed to love everyone, take away an innocent little girl who did nothing but love the world and smile, all the while letting murderers and rapists live. It didn’t make any sense and Senoma couldn’t wrap her head around it. She was never a religious person, nor was she raised in a religious household. God, Heaven and Hell just weren’t things she thought about often, not until her daughter got sick anyway. Then she found herself praying and wishing to God, or whoever was up there, to please let her daughter live. Every night, as she sat next to that hospital bed, surrounded by beeping monitors and the smell of disinfectant, she prayed to be the sick one – to be the one lying in the hospital bed, suffering from an incurable disease, not her daughter.

And yet, here she was, going to the funeral of an innocent and pure four year old. Her pleas went unanswered, despite the hundreds made. And though she was never certain if there really was a God, Senoma was angry at him. So angry, that she spent countless hours cursing him out, screaming at him, and demanding that he fix the mistake he made. No one has the right to take a life that has yet to be lived, not while there are hundreds of others walking the street, guilty of crimes so unimaginable, books and biographies are written about them. It wasn’t right and the amount of anger Senoma felt towards God was almost heavier than guilt she felt as a failing mother.

Senoma sniffled softly as memories and emotions so heavy flooded her like an open water gate, consuming her mind and fogging up all other thoughts. The window began to fog up as Senoma let out heavy breaths against it, small whimpers alerting Josh to his despaired wife.

"Nomi..." Josh soothes, placing a hand lovingly on Senoma's knee and giving it a gentle squeeze.

"She's dead...she died in my arms, right in front of me, Josh," the broken-hearted girl whispered.

Josh sighs, his eyes watering at the sound of remorse in Senoma's voice. "We couldn't have stopped it if we tried, Senoma. She would've died anyways, no matter what."

"If we had agreed to give her that medicine she still would still be alive!" Senoma snaps at him, her eyes filling with tears and her voice cracking.

"The doctors said it was too risky!" Josh exclaimed, "That drug was experimental and no one was sure the kind of effects it would have on her. I wanted to have more time with her before she passed, Senoma! I didn't want the last memories of my daughter to be her lying in a hospital bed, with tubes going in and out every part of her body. I didn’t want to sit and watch the life drain out of my daughter with some drug that might not even work! I wanted to keep alive my little girl with the blonde pigtails and the happy smile. And we did just that. We kept her proper happy and giggling until her last breath."

Senoma sighed in defeat, "I know...I'm sorry, I-I just miss her. I want our baby back, Josh. I-I want her back at home with us."

"So do I, more than anything in the world. Blaming yourself isn’t going to change anything though, love. Keeping her in our hearts and her memory alive - that is going to keep her with us at all times. And we’ll be sure Colton will know about his amazing big sister."

"But he's no Leah,"

"No, he's not. But he is still our son and he's going to be a healthy baby boy that’s going to need both his parents love."

"I don't know if I'll ever be enough. I’m no good at being a mother Josh."

"You were a proper great mother, Senoma, absolutely amazing, love. You were the best mom to Leah and you're going to the best mom to Colton. And I’ll be there, every step of the way. We may make mistakes but no one's perfect, Nomi, especially when it comes to parenting."

It was silent in the car, the only sound being a few sniffles and the hum of the car engine before either one of the broken-hearted couple spoke up.

“Do you remember the day I found out I was pregnant?” Senoma asked, glancing down at her hands and then over at Josh, who had a wide smile on his face.

“Of course, love. I was proper scared. Nearly shit my pants.”

Senoma laughed, grabbing Josh’s hand from her knee and wrapping her hands around it.



Senoma was trying everything in her power to distract herself. The small pink plus sign wouldn’t stay out of her head, almost like a flashing neon sign, reading “Look at me! Look at me!” She was trying to imagine how she would tell her parents, how she would tell her friends, and most importantly how she would tell Josh. In every scenario she conjured up, someone ended up angry and she ended up alone and in tears.

She could already imagine what her mother would say – how she was still just a child. How was a child supposed to take care of a child? But that didn’t matter to Senoma because with or without support, she knew she wanted to keep the baby. As scary as the thought of having a baby at the tender age of 19, Senoma couldn’t help that small part of her that was excited – more excited than she was when her parents bought her a puppy for her 10th birthday and more excited than when she was told she was the valedictorian of her class – nothing could beat the feeling of knowing you are about to bring a life into this world. And for Senoma, that would be the best gift of all.

While the reaction that she was sure her parents were going to have hung heavy over her head, the reaction Josh was going to have put a much heavier burden on her frail shoulders. Josh was only 20, just a few months older than Senoma, and on top of that, he had his band. You Me at Six had once simply been a garage band in Weybridge, Surrey but recently they have taken off, gaining fans by the hundreds every day and putting their all in the music they make. Josh dedicated his life to that band and Senoma was sure that she tied with it on Josh’s list of important things in his life.

How could she do that to him?

How could she drop this bomb shell on him and force him to choose between his band, his future, and Senoma and their unborn baby?

She couldn’t, she simply couldn’t.

The pregnancy stick sat on the counter, taunting Senoma as she stared at it from her place on the toilet, buried in one of Josh’s big sweatshirts. She stared at it with a dark glare, as if the pink plus sign simply showed up just to add to the complications of her life. What was she going to do?

She didn’t have much time to figure that out because the sound of a door opening and closing, and Josh’s voice carrying throughout the house told her it was now or never.

“Senoma? Where are you?” Josh called, kicking off his shoes. Dan and Max followed him into Senoma’s house, plopping down on her couch and flicking the TV on.

“Nomi, come quick! Your lover misses you!” Dan taunted Josh, smirking at Josh’s annoyed expression.

“Shut up, mate. You’re just jealous that while I actually have a girl, you’re at home, shagging your hand.”

“Oi, fuck you!”

“He’s right, mate,” Max agreed with a laugh.

“I’ve had girlfriends before!” Dan protested.

“A shag and go doesn’t count. You actually have to date the lass for her to even be considered a girlfriend,”Max points out, laughing at the disgruntled Dan.

“Exactly,” Josh said pointing a finger in his friend’s direction. “Senoma!”

Senoma took a deep breath, looking at herself in the bathroom mirror. Her hair was a mess and her red, puffy eyes weren’t going to hold up to the ‘I’m fine’ excuse. Quickly, she ran a brush through her hair and threw it up into a pony tail and splashed some water on her face, trying to rid her cheeks of any runny makeup. It did little to help though and still she looked as though she had been crying for the last few hours. But there was nothing she could do now, and with an exhausted sigh, she exited the bathroom, heading downstairs and into the living room, where her boyfriend and his friend’s sat.

Senoma kept her head down as she entered the room quietly, looking down at her chipped nail polish. Her defeated posture didn’t go unnoticed to her boyfriend and quickly he jumped up from his spot on the couch, rushing over to her.

“Oi, what’s wrong love?” He asks, gently touching her arm.

“You okay, Senoma?” Dan asks, eyeing her as she stood before Josh.

When she didn’t speak or look up from her hands, Josh slid a hand onto her cheek, slowly lifting her face, revealing her blood-shot eyes and dark under-circles. His heart raced as he stared at his girlfriend, heartbroken and unsure. Throughout the years that Josh has known Senoma, he’s been very protective of her. One wrong look or comment from someone directed toward her and Josh would instantly become defensive. The thought of someone making her cry only angered him more.

“What happened, Senoma?” He asks.

“Josh,” she spoke quietly, her eyes filling with tears all over again and her lips trembling.

In a flash, Josh had the small girl wrapped in his arms, rubbing her back soothingly and shushing her as she let out sobs that shook her frail body. Never in his life has Josh seen her so broken and he saw red, imagining someone doing a thing to hurt her.

After her cries had settled and she calmed down a bit, Josh pulled back slowly, placing his hands on her cheeks and wiping away tears, though the effort was futile as more fell in their place.

“Senoma, baby, tell me what’s wrong.”

“Josh, we need to talk,” she whispers, glancing over at Max and Dan, “alone, please.”

Confusion filled Josh’s eyes but he didn’t hesitate in looking over at his band mates, gesturing towards the door. The boys turned off the TV and stood up heading out of the house, both sending Senoma comforting smiles on their way, which she did her best to return, even though she was left with a simple valiant effort.

“Alright, we’re alone, now tell me what’s wrong, Nomi. Whose arse do I have to beat?”

Despite herself, Senoma cracked a smile.

“No one’s, unless you plan on punching yourself in the face.”

Josh pulled back, his forehead creasing in confusion and his nose scrunching.

“I don’t-“

“Sit down, Josh.”

“No, wait, I-“

“I think it would be best if you sat down,” Senoma said, with more firmness in her voice.

“A-alright,” Josh stuttered, still very much confused.

He made his way back towards the couch, sitting down carefully, his eyes following Senoma as she moved to stand in front of him. She began to pace back and forth in the small living area, wringing her hands together, a habit she had been doing since a little girl whenever she was nervous or scared.

“Josh, I love you, you know that right?”

“Of course, love. I love you too.”

Senoma smiled at his response, meeting his eyes for a moment before she continued her back and forth movements.

“And you know that I would do anything for you and I’d never ask you to give up something you love for me, right?”

“Senoma, you’re starting to scare me.”

She ignored him, continuing with a shaky voice, “And you know that no matter what, I’ll support whatever you decide to do, with your life and with your band?”

“Yes, Nomi, yes. Please, just…just tell me what’s going on.”

Senoma stopped pacing, standing right before Josh. She looked over at him, staring into his protective, loving eyes which at the moment were filled with worry. He sat on the end of the couch, his hands anxiously running up and down his legs as they slowly bounced up and down, a tell-tale sign that he was just as nervous as she was. She had no idea what his reaction was going to be; Josh has always been unpredictable when it’s come to his feelings. One minute he could be happy and the next he could be moping like a two year old that has just been scolded. Maybe if his actions were easier to calculate, Senoma wouldn’t be as nervous. But the fact that she has known him all her life was the only thing that kept her from running for the hills. That along with the fact that she was pregnant with his baby.

Josh didn’t know what was going on. One minute, he’s heading over to his girlfriend’s house with his friends for a movie night and the next, he’s hugging her shaking frame as she cries her eyes out in his arms. It wasn’t every day that Senoma cried; in fact she hardly ever cries. And when she does, she’s always sure that it’s at a time when she’s alone, or just with Josh – never in the presence of anyone else. And yet there she was, breaking down in front of Josh and two of his friends, who were just as much Senoma’s friends as they are his.

“Josh,” she says, just barely above a whisper. He looks over at her, his face unreadable. He watches as she places her hands on her flat stomach, looking up at him through her long eyelashes. “Josh, I’m pregnant.”

Silence filled the room. Scared to see his reaction, Senoma keeps her eyes on her hands wrapped around her waist, imaging her stomach being distended despite how much she tried to fight off that image. And as the seconds ticked by, and Josh says nothing, she begins to get even more worried. Fear strangles her as her thoughts wander; what if he’s mad? What if he leaves me? What if he thinks this is all my fault and tells me to never talk to him again? Her eyes once again fill with crystalline tears as all these tribulations fill her mind, drowning her in their stronghold embrace.

For a moment, Josh doesn’t know how to react. His mind just thinks things through as though he was five year old trying to understand how 1+1=2.

Senoma is pregnant.

Senoma is pregnant with my baby.

I am going to be a father.

I am having a baby and Senoma is the mother.

Suddenly, arms wrap around Senoma’s body and she lets out a strangled sob as Josh’s warm embrace surrounds her, his familiar smell almost calming in this anxiety filled situation.

“Stop crying, Nomi, it’s okay. It’s okay, love,” he coos, pulling back and grabbing her face in his hands, placing kisses all over her face – her cheeks, her forehead, her chin, her nose, her eyelids, her lips.

Slowly, her tears begin to halt in their insistent pursuit and Senoma looks up at Josh, seeing a gentle smile placed on his face.

“Y-you’re not mad?” she asks, almost scared to hear his answer.

“Mad? Of course I’m not mad Senoma.”

“I thought you would hate me.”

“For a smart bird, you can be real daft sometimes, love.”

She lets out a strangled laugh and slaps his chest, “Shut up.”

Josh chuckles and kisses Senoma, loving the familiarity of her lips on his.

“Senoma, I love you,” he says as he pulls back, keeping his gaze steady with hers. “I love you so much.”

“I love you, too.”

“I don’t know what you plan on doing with this baby, but whatever it is, I promise you, I will be there every step of the way. The band can be put on hold for a-“

“No!” Senoma says sternly, cutting Josh off. “No way am I going to let you ‘put the band on hold’.”

Senoma grabs Josh’s hand in hers and leads him back over to the couch, sitting down and pulling him down with her. She holds his hands in hers and looks up at him.

“Josh, I-..if it’s okay with you, I’d like to keep the baby.”

Josh nods his head, taking a deep breath. “I imagined you would.”

“But I don’t want you to stop being Josh.”

“I don’t think that’s possible, love,” he smirks.

“You know what I mean asshole. I don’t want you to quit the band or push it to the side or anything. I want you to keep going forward with your life, just like I plan on doing. I’m going to finish with school and you’re going to keep writing music and we’ll raise this baby together.”

“Can I be honest, love?”

“Of course,” Senoma smiles.

“I’m nervous as hell.”

“Me too,” Senoma admits.

“Can I tell you something else?” Senoma nods.

“I love you.”

“I love you too Josh, so much.”Senoma says. As Josh leans in to kiss her, a thought strikes her and she pulls back. “And one more thing,”

“Yes?”

“I don’t want Oli Sykes near our baby.”

Josh laughs, looking over at Senoma who holds a somewhat playful, somewhat serious look.

“Whatever you say, love.”



Josh sighed and pulled into the cemetery parking lot. He shuts off the car and climbs out, rushing to the passenger side and helping his pregnant girlfriend out of the seat. After closing the door behind her and locking the car, the couple links hands, making their way to their awaiting family and friends.

When the funeral began, Senoma could no longer cry. She had cried her eyes dry and there was just no more tears left to be shed. Tearstained faces surrounded Senoma and Josh as the silver casket containing their four year old daughter was hoisted well above everyone’s heads and slowly lowered into the open grave. Sobs could be heard all around; the sound of hearts breaking. An unsurprising pang of guilt made Senoma’s stomach twist into knots. Though she was barely four years old, Leah meant so much to so many people. She didn’t just mean something to Senoma or Josh - she meant something to a lot of people. People she had touched in her short life, people who she had drawn pictures for, told jokes to, and played hide-and-go seek with.

The funeral director was speaking now, but his words were falling on deaf ears. No one could concentrate on his solemn words as he spoke them slowly. Time, as uncontrollable as possible, speeds by quickly and before she even realizes it, the funeral is over and everyone is heading inside for the memorial service. But neither Josh nor Senoma can will themselves to move. Even as friends and family members approach the couple, offering their deepest condolences, the two never move from their spot.

Dan approaches the two, rubbing his neck roughly; his eyes blood shot like every other person there to mourn Leah.

“I-” he stops, not even sure what to say. Leah, though not his daughter, was just as important in his life as she was in Josh and Senoma’s lives. Dan took being a god father seriously, and he had countless plans of spoiling that littler girl like she deserved. He was excited to be the guy that she runs to when her parents say no and piss her off. Dan wanted to be there for her, and like Senoma, felt an incredible amount of guilt for not doing just that.

When his eyes began to water again, Josh stepped forward pulling his friend into a tight hug. It wasn’t weak or anything remotely related to your typical guy hug. It was a tight hug, one full of love and comforting, a way of offering comfort to both of the torn band mates. The two boys pulled apart and Dan rubbed his eyes, wiping away the tears and sniffed. He looked over at Senoma and wrapped his arms around her, kissing her head before stepping back.

“You were good parents and none of this was your fault. I just..hope you both know that. And also, I’ll always be here for you, yeah?” Senoma smiled at him sadly nodding her head in understanding.

After Dan walked away, grabbing his girlfriend’s hand, the rest of Josh’s band mates stepped forward hugging the couple. No words were spoken because between this group, things could go unsaid and yet still be said loud and clear. It was understood that they would all be there for each other, to talk, to laugh, to cry, to fight. It didn’t matter what the situation was – they all were always there to support one another. And the death of Leah hit all the guys on a personal level. After hugging Josh and then Senoma, the boys slowly walked away, their shoes leaving soft imprints on the soft grass below.

After everyone had walked away, Josh and Senoma were left alone, standing before their daughter’s gravestone.

The epitaph read:



"Hi baby..." Senoma whispers, falling to her knees and resting her hand on Leah's gravestone.

Senoma shoves her trembling hands into her jacket pocket, digging her nails into the palm of her hands, waiting for the stinging pain - anything to distract her from facing this devastating reality.

Her hands trembled as all the great memories of her, Leah and Josh flooded into her mind again, "She was only four...my baby was only four"

Josh kneels down beside Senoma and wraps his arms around her small frame, "I know, love, I know.”

Senoma sniffles, leaning into Josh’s side and wrapping her arms around his waist, her eyes still trained on Leah’s gravestone. "I just wish I could see her smile one more time. Hear her laugh, listen to her sing, watch her dance. I just wanna be with her, even for one more day. She was my life, Josh. What do I do now?"

Josh holds Senoma tightly, shaking his head unsure. "She was my life too, Nomes. I don’t really know what to do except keep going on with life. We’ll always love and remember Leah and we’ll be sure we never, ever forget her, but we can’t always wish and regret. If I could, I’d switch spots with her in a heartbeat.”

"That wouldn’t be any better Josh,” Senoma cries.

“I know, I just…”

“I understand. I’d switch places with her too.”

The couple sits with their daughter for a while longer before the sky falls dark and clouds move in, singling a storm. Slowly they stand up, Josh helping his pregnant girlfriend. Neither will ever forget Leah, nor will they keep her life a secret from Colton.

But together, they’ll move on. They’ll continue with their life, always remembering the daughter they never got to watch grow up.