Love is a Risk

Joel slowly opened his eyes and sighed as his alarm clock began beeping. This was the same time it went off every morning he was home. He sat up and checked the messages on his phone. This was his routine, what he did every morning, but this was not a normal morning.

His phone had many messages on it, all of them from family and friends offering their support. Joel threw his phone to the side without replying. He was thankful for their support but didn’t feel like responding quite yet. Instead, he walked into the bathroom and began his daily routine.

Joel pulled on his black dress pants and then picked out a grey button-up with a black tie. He felt as if he was dressing for a funeral, and in a way he was. The funeral wasn’t for a person though. It was for something else, something inanimate.

Joel walked to his kitchen and began fixing toast and cereal, the same breakfast he had every morning. He looked around the house and thought how empty it now seemed. It was too quiet and Joel hated it. He made a mental note to begin looking for a new, smaller house. He didn’t know if he could spend another second in the house that was no longer a happy home.

His phone rang and he was about to press ignore until he saw that it was his mom calling.

“Hi mom,” Joel answered.

“Hi sweetheart. How’re you holding up?” She softly asked.

“I guess as good as to be expected.”

“Know that your father, brother, and I are always here for you,” his mother said and then continued, “I called because I was wondering if you’d like to come over to our house for dinner this evening.”

“Thanks mom but I think I’m just going to stay at home tonight.”

“Joel, you really shouldn’t be alone throughout all this. It’s too much to bear by yourself.”

Joel sighed. “I’ll be fine mom. I’ll probably come over tomorrow or something.”

“Ok honey. Love you.”

“Love you too, mom.”

Joel hung up his phone and decided he should probably get going. He walked to his car and started the drive he dreaded.

As Joel drove the memories began flooding his mind and replayed like a bad movie.

Her name was Holly and Joel had met her at church. She was nothing like the past girls he’d dated. In fact they couldn’t stand each other at first. Eventually though they realized that they couldn’t stay away from each other.

“I’ve always said that I would never date a musician. Musicians are too unpredictable,” Holly smirked at Joel as they sat in a restaurant on their first date.

“I’m not a musician. I’m just a guy who’s in a band,” Joel clarified.

“Same difference.”

“Well I’ve always said that I would never date a lawyer. Lawyers are too uptight,”

“I’m not a lawyer. I’m just a girl who’s in law school.”

“Same difference,” Joel smirked.

Since that first date Joel and Holly became inseparable. Even when Joel was touring with This Century, he and Holly would still Skype or talk at least once a day.

Joel knew that with him love was a risk. He’d always wanted to get married and have a family but he figured that’d come once This Century stopped touring as much. Holly changed his mind though. With her he felt as if he could have both his band and a family. Holly supported Joel and his musical dreams while he supported her dreams of being one of the best lawyers in Arizona.

Everyone warned them they were getting married too young. Many said they should wait a couple years. Holly and Joel didn’t listen. They wanted to get married and saw no sense in prolonging it. They’d waited until Holly had graduated from law school and This Century had put out their first EP. They felt as if that was long enough so they went through with the wedding.

Joel remembered saying his vows on their wedding day. Most of all he remembered promising “till death do them part.” Joel spoke that promise in front of their family and friends but he never truly thought about the full effect of the meaning of the words, especially if that promise was broken.

For the first few years of their marriage everything was perfect. Holly was hired by one of the best law firms in the state and This Century released their first full-length album along with going on their first headlining tour. Joel’s life seemed perfect and he was so grateful for it. It all came crashing down much too quickly though.

Joel’s ringing phone abruptly woke him. He glanced at the glowing numbers of the clock sitting on the edge of his bunk and saw that it was 4:15 in the morning.

“Hello,” Joel groggily said as he answered.

“Joel…” Holly’s voice came through from the other end of the phone and Joel could tell that she was crying. He was now wide awake.

“Holly? What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”

“No…I’m fine. I mean I’m not fine, actually we’re not fine,” Holly paused and took a breath. “Joel…I want a divorce.”

Those were the last words Joel had expected to hear from his wife’s lips. He knew that she hated him going on tour so much but he never thought that would lead to her wanting a divorce.

“Hol, it’s 4 a.m. You just miss me and the fact that you’re tired isn’t helping. How about you go back to sleep and I’ll call you in a few hours so we can talk about this rationally.”

“No, I’m not going to change my mind. Joel, I don’t love you anymore.”

Joel felt as if someone had stabbed him in the chest. He was struggling for breath and at a loss for words. “What?”

“Joel, there’s someone else. I fell in love with someone else.”

Holly swore she had never physically cheated on Joel and he believed her. She had emotionally cheated on him though and that was just as bad, if not worse.

His name was Ryan Richards and he was a lawyer at Holly’s law firm. They’d worked on a case together and had “realized their feelings for each other” while working on it. Holly said she’d never wanted to hurt Joel and didn’t plan to fall in love with Ryan; it just happened.

Joel didn’t even have the opportunity to fight for his wife. Joel suggested counseling and anything else that could save their marriage but she’d already made her decision. Joel’s call for help was ignored. Holly’s mind was made up and couldn’t be changed. By the time he got back home from tour Holly had already moved all of her things out of their house. The only remaining trace of her was the divorce papers sitting on the kitchen table waiting for Joel’s signature.

Joel had arrived at the lawyer’s office where the divorce settlement would be taking place. They had decided to have a different law firm than Holly’s handle the proceedings because it would be a “conflict of interest” for Holly’s firm to handle them.

Joel got out of his car and began walking towards the building. He prepared himself to see Holly once again. He hadn’t seen her since he left for tour. That had been months ago but he’d had no desire to see her after she filed for divorce. She plagued his dreams every night and that was bad enough. Seeing her in person would just be putting salt in his wounds.

Joel walked into the room where they were all meeting and his eyes immediately found Holly. Her hair was a bit longer since he last saw her but that was all that was different. She was still Holly, his Holly. Seeing her made Joel wish for one more day with her, one more day when they were still in love and happy. Joel would apologize for everything he had ever done that had upset her and he would do everything possible to show his love for her. He knew if they could just have one more day everything would be fixed and Holly might realize her love for Joel once again.

Those foolish thoughts evaporated from Joel’s head though as soon as he looked down and saw a new, large diamond ring adorning Holly’s left ring finger. Once again all breath left Joel’s lungs and he felt as if he were gasping for air.

Joel numbly sat down by his lawyer. He was sitting across from Holly but avoided looking at her. As much as he needed her and loved her, he realized that she didn’t feel the same anymore. The lawyers began going over everything but Joel didn’t hear them. His and Holly’s lawyer had already met up to discuss the terms and everything was agreed upon. Today was just a formality.

Before he knew it, the papers were all signed. Holly was no longer legally Holly Kanitz; she was once again Holly Neal. Joel knew that Holly hadn’t thought of herself as Holly Kanitz in a long time though.

Holly stood up with her lawyer and left the room.

“This was actually good compared to how some divorces go,” Joel’s lawyer softly said as Joel stood up. “It gets pretty complicated when children are involved. You’re lucky in that sense at least. It was a pleasure meeting you Mr. Kanitz. I’m just sorry it had to be under these circumstances.”

Joel nodded and forced a smile as he thanked his lawyer.

Joel exited the building and was walking towards his car but stopped abruptly when he saw Holly with Ryan, the man who had replaced Joel in Holly’s heart.

Ryan was just as Joel expected. He had on dress pants and a button-up shirt with his hair cut short. He looked like a typical lawyer.

While Joel was looking over at Holly and her new fiancée, Holly looked up and their eyes met. For a split second Joel could see the regret in Holly’s eyes and how sorry she was. It quickly disappeared though and she once again turned towards Ryan as she followed him to his car and drove off with him.

Joel thought about how unfair this all was. Holly was the one who wanted the divorce. She was the reason they were no longer together yet nothing bad had happened in her life. She had already moved on. Joel was the one who had to spend his days alone.

After everything Joel was beginning to see what Holly truly was to him. At one time he needed her and thought he couldn’t have survived without her. He now saw though that he’d had too much of her. He had been slowly drowning in their love.

Joel now realized he needed Holly like water in his lungs.