Lily Baby.

Frankie’s POV

I was never broken…

She thinks she is fine. She thinks this is how everyone else is. She doesn’t understand… anything. But I know she wants to- Gerard told me that she keeps asking questions. And I’ve even managed to have a real conversation with her, but I can’t base something on one conversation.

I thought about it all the way home, but they thought I was being quiet because I was sick. Lily kept pointing at things and giggling to herself contentedly. Every now and then she wanted a little bit of attention so I did something to reassure her, when she looked up at me with her big eyes full of that intriguing wonder that always confuses me slightly. She would pout at me. She would smile. Hell, she would even glow.

I don’t like public displays of affection. I never have. That time under the myspace tree was a one off, I swear. But, that was making up kissing so it’s different. I stole kisses from her anyway, almost every couple of steps because we were behind the others and because I didn’t know anything more assuring than that. Quinn still doesn’t understand about us, though. He lingered behind with us for a little too long and nearly ran ahead when I purposefully kissed her in front of him. It’s petty, I know. I think I was marking my territory, like a dog would. But she’s mine, she’s mine. I was scared that I might not get another chance to kiss her so I kept doing it, every now and then. She seemed pretty pleased though. I don’t think she understands as well as she thinks she does.

She lives in a perfect world, most likely bursting at the seams with rabbits and flowers and stuff that glow in the dark, and sometimes… sometimes I’m not there. I’m scared that I was never there. That I’ve never been with her. Not really, because her idea of realism is different to mine. She’s got problems and I have problems of my own. Problems I know she will never understand, no matter how many dictionary definitions she finds.

This world is dark and disturbing, and I’m afraid that if I took her here then she wouldn’t be the same. Reality doesn’t suit Lily Way.

Sometimes, I regret my choice. I probably shouldn’t have let her get so close to me, because pretty soon, when it comes down to it, neither of us will be able to let go. I know this can’t last forever.

I don’t know how much longer it will last- Donna won’t be pleased at all. She’s very protective. I think she suspects us. When we got to Lily’s house Donna gave me a curious look, but I suppose I should have remembered I was still holding her hand. I quickly withdrew my hand from her grasp like it was hot. Lily looked hurt but I had to pretend I didn’t notice before telling Mikey, Gee and Lily that I had stuff to do at home and I wasn’t allowed to stay for dinner.

It wasn’t a lie. Not really. It was… bending the truth. I probably could have stayed for dinner if I’d liked. My mom doesn’t mind, she accepts it. But I did have stuff to do. I had to start my mission. I would work hard to piece Lily together again. She may not believe that there is something wrong but I know there is. There just is. And it was me… all me.

I secretly kissed Lily goodbye. No one was looking and I grabbed her face and kissed her slowly, savouring the taste of her lips on my mouth. She grinned against my mouth. I want to know what she feels when I do this. I want to know the difference; is it butterflies, fireworks and electricity, or is it something else? I can’t ask though, she won’t give a plausible enough answer.

Lily made a ‘Nungh,’ kind of sound, before I wordlessly ran down the garden path- seemingly unchanged from the path in my dream- and ran all the way home. I was breathless when I arrived, collapsing onto my bed, feeling under the bed for the book. I dragged it heavily onto my lap and opened it.

The pages had no dates, numbers or any indication to when it was written or who by, but the script was definitely that of a girl. It was neat which surprised me as she had been so young, but I remembered how gifted she had been back then and the sick feeling returned to my stomach as I turned the brown tinged pages…

If I am going to fix this then I will start from the beginning…

Dear Diary,

I feel like I am older than I should be. Mom says I will grow up into a clever girl indeed, and marry someone successful. I don’t understand why marrying someone successful matters because I thought you didn’t choose who you fall in love with…

That’s something I wanted to talk about, I remember now, diary, because… well… I think I am. In love I mean. I know it’s absurd, as I am only 8 but I’ve got time on my hands, it’s not as if I’m in a rush to find that… whatsit? The one… that’s it. The one. Although… I may be in love, diary, but it is certain it’s not reciprocated. The thing is, he’s never shown a liking to me, although I’ve tried so hard. He’s friends with my brothers and I want to be his friend so badly but I can’t. He hates me too much. When I told mom that I wanted to be his friend, she told me that he was just being a boy, and boys won’t start liking girls till they are older, so I have to wait. But, like I said, I’ve got time.

Hopefully, pretty soon, Frank will realise he loves me too.

Yours sincerely,
Lily Anne Way

I never knew…