Run Right Back

Jonathan and Kim didn’t say another word during the car ride. Night had fallen on Chicago. Kim had her face pressed against the window glass. The car kept zooming past the scenery. She shut her eyes so that the sight of travel didn’t cause her to throw up in the car. It was in vain. “Pull over,” she muttered.

The car turns off a main street to a gas station. She calmly stumbled out and went straight to a trash can. Vomit spewed from her insides neatly into the bin. Jon went into the gas station to buy her an icee, something to take away the bad taste in her mouth. After she finished retching all that was in her stomach, eventually dry heaving, they got back in the car. Jon set the car keys on the dash. “Kimberly, what happened in there?”

“You mean with Sullivan?”

He nodded. She saw his face lit by the fluorescent light pouring through the windows of the car from the over light cast of the gas station. Kim sucked on the straw of her icee, buying herself some time. “He started talking to me again. After he found out I still talk to Mindy. She had me in her phone under her a nickname she uses for her sister so he never suspected anything until the two got fucking engaged.” The words could barely find their way over Kim’s fat tongue. She wanted to crawl under the covers of her bed and cry. The girl was so close to breaking down. She didn’t want Jon to see her so vulnerable again. “You know what; this isn’t going to work out. I don’t want to talk about my problems and cry. Just drive me home, please.”

The man scoffed lightly, shaking his head. "Seriously Kim? I fight for you and you want to toss me away? That isn’t fair.” He smirked playfully.

Her jaw clenched tightly. “What? Fuck you. God. Fuck you. I didn’t ask you to fight for me. And like you know what is fair. ‘Oh, I have been in the limelight like my entire life. I am spoiled with riches since I am mister hotshot hockey player. I fuck all the bitches. I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect.’ I am sorry but there are others with more pressing issues in their fucking lives. I get that I fucked up my college career by selling drugs. But do I deserve guys fucking around me? Do I deserve the extent of Sullivan’s hatred? Do I deserve to have a best friend who is madly in love with him and won’t listen to a fucking word I say? Shit is fucked, Jon. It always has been for me. I make my own mess, but some of the mess in my life not even I could create. It is colossal. I know all about unfair, so don’t speak of the word like you own it.” She refused to cry and for him to console her. Her eyes have been flitting towards him with every passing word. When his hand extends towards her she quickly pulled as close as she could to the door. “Look. I am fucked up. Still. I live in the land of totally fucked. I was wrong to think that anything could happen between us. We shouldn’t have slept together. This wedding reception is a clear reminder that I am still a mess. You need to keep clear. Your girlfriend… Ex-girlfriend was a good barrier. Get her back. You need someone better than me.”

The monologue, while slightly longwinded and self deprecating, Jon took in every syllable. He filtered every word meticulously through his mind. He knew her words were something that she fully meant because he watched her crumble. She had transformed from his Kim into a heartbroken girl. He knew that his Kim was still in there. “Kimberly. You are strong.”

“Fuck no,” she says through sobs. “It’s been three years and I still play in Sullivan’s hand so beautifully that I am trapped there.”

“You had your boot on his throat.” Was that a flash of a grin and bubbling of a giggle he saw and heard? She quickly absolved those emotions into her somber attitude, still clinging to the door. “Kim,” he started and then stopped. The keys were swiftly whisked from the dash and he started the car again. This time they headed in the opposite direction until they arrived at a very familiar youth center.

When the car was parked, Kim silently walked out of the car to the insides. It had a cool air circling in it. The place was getting close to closing time. Jon showed up briefly by her side and then disappeared towards the office areas. She wasn’t sure what he was doing and didn’t bother following. Instead Kim took a seat in the stands and watched as the stragglers tried to get in as much time on the ice skating as they could. She noticed a few of the girls from the team she helped coach. The girls enthusiastically waved at Kim who waved a limp wrist at them. Despite throwing up everything in her stomach Kim still felt woozy and unhinged.

It was true. Sullivan had been harassing her lately. There would be phone calls at ridiculous hours. Long voicemails about she made his insides burn with hate. Other voicemails about he missed her, her body against his, how he wanted to forgive her but if only she would devote herself to him. It made Kim sick with emotions. She couldn’t tell Mindy what was happening because Mindy wouldn’t hear it. Sullivan is the Stanley to Mindy’s Stella. That left Kim as Blanche. And everyone knows how Stanley treated Blanche in A Streetcar Named Desire…

Kim felt like throwing up again. Her body convulses but she was unable to throw anything up, just spitting wads of red icee food color. Sitting by herself left her tethered to her destructive thoughts. The arrival of Jonathan back into her life gave her a small break from the dooming reality. But even he brought on terrors for her. Their fantasy was short lived by the reality of his home life. He had someone before Kim came back into the picture. Jon let Kim come in and tornado the situation to smithereens. The self-hatred didn’t seem to cease with the girl.

She drew her knees close to her chest, trying to keep her modesty in the dress she was in. Jon came up the stands and took off his jacket with one hand. Something was dangling in the other. He draped the warm wool jacket over her knees. “Do you know how to operate the zamboni?” She meekly nodded. “Oh, well I lied and said you didn’t. They clean the ice every morning anyway, right?” She nodded again. “I talked to the person in charge. He gave me the keys to the place.” He took the keys out of his pocket and jingled them. Then he revealed what was in his right hand. “My spare skates that I keep in the trunk of my car. The place is ours. We just have to turn off all the lights, put things where they belong, and you can return the spare keys to the place when you come back here.”

“You bought the place out for the night?” Jon looked away. “For me?”

His hand found its way onto her knee. He gave her a firm squeeze. “Don’t be so self centered, Parker. I wanted to skate. Once these rugrats exit the building what do you say to a couple of laps around the ice? I bet you can’t beat me.” He smiled playfully at her.

A small warmth of happiness touched the outer edges of her body. She scooted closer to Jon and rested her head against his arm. “God. Why do you keep me around?”

“Maybe I’ll tell you. If you stop being so goddamn mopey and gray. I know my girl Kim with the smiles for days and random bursts of geeky outbursts is in there.”

She sucked in her lower lip, slightly shaking her head. His girl Kim felt like miles away. Kimberly felt like she was slipping, losing herself. Those three years put a lot of distance between Kim and Jon. The two watched as the ice sharpener girl scattered everyone off the ice and Zane the zamboni guy came onto the ice. He cleaned the ice especially for Jon.

The last few people left the rink. The manager gave a nod in the couple’s direction. Kim sat still, listening to the soft melodic music that the manager left playing on the PA. It took them a while to start moving or do anything but just bask in each other’s silence. After some time passed, Jon started moving around. With the skates drape over his elbow, he gingerly picked up Kim and carried her into the locker room the coaches and trainers use. Kim always kept her skates in her locked locker. She took out her skates and began to quietly trade footwear. Kim didn’t feel much like talking. Every few minutes she would flash Jon a small smile, but otherwise she was a blank slate.

It pained Jon to see her like that. It made him wonder how many days she felt like this, how many hours she has spent sitting by herself trying to not cry and hold herself together.

After they laced their skates they walked back to the rink. Jon got on the ice first. It made soft noise as his blades cut into it. He stuck out his hands for Kim. Without thinking, she took his hands and followed him onto the ice. Jon skated backwards, pulling her along even though she could skate on her own. The girl wasn’t that bad of a skater. Her head was dipped down, watching their feet making patterns on the ice. Not many words were exchanged for some time. They just skated together on the ice, him going backwards while tugging her along. They stayed that way for a few hours. It didn’t seem to bother either of them. They were skating near the middle of the ice. Kim looked up at Jon then back to their skates. “Why are we the way we are?”

The words didn’t make sense to Jon at first. It was such a vague question. But he realized that she wanted an honest answer to her simple question. An answer that might pull her from the wreckage she found herself in.

“Because we are born that way?” His hand pulled close to his chest. To not lose her balance, she linked her arms around his neck as his hands rested on her hips. They slowly skated on the ice, gliding. “You mean why we make the decisions we make?” No answer. “Kim. We do what we do because we think it is the right thing to do or the thing that needs to be done. They may not be the right thing in the eyes of others, but we think they are right. We justify them.” He rested his cheek against the top of her head. “You know I don’t care about the mistakes you have made, Kim. I love you for who you are.”

“Even if that means a completely sad and broken girl?”

“Kid, you are so much stronger than that asshole Sullivan. He didn’t break you.” She rubbed her face into his chest. His head shook with hers. “If anything, he threw you off your groove. Scott Sullivan can’t break a bad ass girl like you.”

The hold on Jon’s neck loosened and she slipped away. She skated backwards and then skated in a circle. “Why do you have so much misguided faith in me?”

“Why do you have so little faith in yourself?”

A grim smirk was sent in his direction. “I am the girl with a façade of confidence, sweetheart.”

The use of the word ‘sweetheart’ let him know she wasn’t a lost cause, just lost at the moment. “Kim, Mindy is going to make her own mistakes. She married Sully and has his unborn child in her. What can you do?”

“Tell her about the woman in Cali that aborted the Sully baby she herself was carrying?” Kim violently shook her head. She skated to where the goal would have been. She skated a figure eight around the area. “No. Mindy would never listen to that. I can never have her again. Sully robbed me of her. He took you away from me, too.” Every muscle in her hand twitched. Her hands were trembling. “I guess I blame him for a lot of things. I wish I didn’t. I wish he would just get out of my life.”

Jon skated over to her, swinging an arm around her waist. Their bodies spun a few times around the ice. “That asshole didn’t take me away from you. It’s like when we finally came together on the lawn of your sorority. Who cares that we let an argument separate us for years. At least we found each other again. Kim, we needed some time. We are fucked up enough for each other. Other girls don’t get my humor like you. It pissed of Virginia. Went over her head. You, you actually laugh at it. Do you know how hard it is to find a girl that thinks I am funny?” He placed a kiss on the top of her head.

“Why me?” The words came out in short fragments.

He was going to spit out, ‘Well, why not?’ but with how easily she fell off the edge only moments ago he decided to pick his words gently. “Because you challenged me. You were never scared of anything. God, the way you challenged me at the bar when I was a dick. How you put up with me even though I rude. How, despite my actions, you wanted me to get home safely and stuck with me through that. Because you make me feel good. You make me a better person, despite how corny that sounds, I mean it full heartedly.”

Again, she slipped away from him and skated down the ice. “Say we close this bitch up?”

And so they did. They stripped off the skates and walked barefoot through the empty rink. Kim shut off the lights and music. She followed Jonathan to the car. The night was changing to day. The trunk was popped open. As Jon tossed his skates in so did Kim to her Doc Martens. Metal loudly clanged together when he slammed the trunk shut. Kim mischievously climbed onto the trunk, scrambling onto the roof of the car. “Hey,” he called up at her, “what are you doing?”

Her bottom rested on the roof. Her tired legs swung over the edge. There was a soft warmth trickling on her face. Tears rolled down her cheek. Jon whispered, “hey”, and climbed up after her. He sat an inch away from her and refrained from touching her, from throwing an arm across her shoulder like he wanted, afraid that she would cry harder.

The sky was getting lighter. Kim let her knee rest against his. “Did you ever think we’d run into each other again?”

“No. Never.”

“Did you hate me for what I did? For blaming you and running away.”

He wiped the tears off her cheek. “Hate?” He felt ashamed that his answer was a wholly ‘yes’. “At the beginning, yeah, a little. I thought we were in love and all that. But it was so easily broken apart that I guess I was kind of disenchanted and pissed off. I hated being alone. I hated not being able to see you again. I hated that I couldn’t control myself even in that argument to not allow you to run off like that. I should have stopped you from leaving. I should have stopped myself from being such a dick. My words pushed you out that door.”

“Don’t blame yourself.” Her tiny hand rested on his thigh. “Please, don’t blame yourself for my actions. I am a runner. Blame me.”

“Stop.”

Slowly, she scooted closer and rested her head against his arm. “Remember when we would sit together sometimes when it was really really late or really really early and watch the sunrise? We would just sit by the windowsill with some hot drink, not talking, holding each other, and watch the city wake up.”

“Yeah,” He said softly. He brushed her hair with his fingertips. “Of course I remember that. It was one of my favorite things. Well, that and when you wore nothing but my jersey and heels.”

“And stockings that you always put a hole in them when you tried ripping them off.” Her laugh was barely audible, but his ears picked it up. “Yeah. Of course that was one of your favorite things.”

The sky woke up with hues of oranges, pinks, and yellow. Kim flipped over her hand and wiggled her fingers. Jon slipped his hand onto hers, interlacing their fingers. “Kim.”

“Jon.”

Over the tops of building the bright sun started to peek through. They stayed silent until it rose above the building, shining everything to life. “Can I have a second chance?” She asked him. Jon thought he was the one that would have to beg. She asked him.

“I love you with so much of my heart that none is left to protest.”

With Kim’s free hand she slugged him stomach. A genuine smile was brightly gleaming on her face. He smiled at her smile. “You and the fucking Shakespeare. Did you buy a book of Shakespeare quotes when I left?”

His hair moved ever so slightly as he shook his head. “I remember the words from when you used to say them to me all the time.” He kissed her forehead. “You were my dandy. My beautiful girl dandy.”

Her hand gently squeezed his. She leaned up and kissed him. He kissed her back. “We’re okay?’

“Together we are more than okay.”

“I can live with that.”