Your Ghost

He remembered a time when they were love; when the feelings that bonded them together was enough to get them through anything in the world. But sometimes, love wasn’t enough. Sometimes, it couldn’t stop the inevitable from happening.

Sometimes, instead of pulling two people together, love pushes them apart.

It wasn’t as though Jordan had ever decided he wanted to stay away from Celine for months on end; sometime staying gone for a year or so. Every day he spent away from her, he felt his heart tugging and yearning for the comfort her arms could provide him. Every single day, he woke up and wanted to look to his side and see her sleeping there.

And every day, it was that love; that intense emotion he’d never felt before, that caused him to stay away.

He’d never loved anyone the way he loved Celine. She was the only girl in the world who’d ever had his heart. He’d fucked so many girls that he’d lost track of how many there had been over the months and the years. He’d done enough drugs to wipe his memory clean; drank enough alcohol to scare any doctor he went to for check-ups. But the girls, booze, and drugs had never done shit to help him forget Celine, even if that was why he did them.

He wanted to forget about her; wanted to forget that he loved her so much he’d die for her. He wanted to push Celine so far out of his memory and his life that he wouldn’t even know who she was if they passed by on the street.

But that wouldn’t happen because every time he tried to stay away, he always ended up going back. Whether it took a month or a year, he always returned to Celine. It was just how they were. He stayed gone, she stayed in love, and somewhere down the line they eventually came back to one another.

Today marked a year and a month since he’d talked to her; since he’d even seen her face, and his heart was feeling the absence. He knew that it was time to go back to Colorado again. Even if he only stayed for a day or two, he needed to at least see Celine; hold her in his arms, tell her how much he loved her. And then he could go on his way again. He could come back to California and find the first slut he saw on the street, take her back to his shitty little apartment, and fuck her before doing it all over again that night.

A part of him always felt guilty for cheating on Celine, especially when she had never once gone astray in their relationship. For the entire five years they’d been with one another, she had remained faithful to him in spite of the fact that he couldn’t or wouldn’t keep his hands to himself and his dick in his pants.

She deserved more than that. Jordan knew it. But he was thankful she loved him enough to put up with all his shit. God only knew that nobody else would. Even his Mom had stopped putting up with it. Celine was the only constant left in his life and dammit all to hell if he didn’t want to lose that.

So he made the plans. He bought the plane ticket; packed a duffel bag. He bought some roses, not thinking ahead about the fact that they’d get crushed in his duffel bag and wilted in the colder weather of Colorado.

When he arrived, something about the air felt different to him. Something didn’t feel right. He didn’t like it. He knew that Celine’s house was going to take awhile to get to; she didn’t live right in the city like so many people in Colorado did. She lived up in the mountains, where there was lots of snow. And it was because of that snow that he knew Celine would still be at home today. It was far too cold and there was far too much snow outside for her to be out and about.

That was why he was confused when he reached her house to find all the lights off. He let himself in by using the key hidden in the fake rock by the door and as he walked around from room to room, he became chillingly aware of the fact that she wasn’t here anymore.

He was just starting to make his way into her bedroom when he heard footsteps behind him. When he turned around, no one was there and for a moment, Jordan wondered if he was just crazy.

But then he heard it again. This time, the footsteps were further down the hall, as though they were reaching the staircase. And so he made his way towards the sounds, wanting to find Celine and ask what in the hell was going on and why she was playing cat and mouse.

When he walked into the hallway, the footsteps stopped and he contemplated just saying fuck it and leaving. He was too tired from the flight to deal with this shit and his body was already craving some alcohol. He knew there was a bar in Denver he could hit up, and if Celine didn’t want to see him, he’d make his time useful by chatting up the ladies there.

Several minutes passed by before he stopped when he heard the front door open downstairs. He immediately started walking down the stairs towards the sound and then stopped when he saw Celine’s mother standing there, bundled up in a jacket, face red and eyes swollen with tears.

“Jordan? What are you doing here?”

He stopped, frowning when she asked him that question. He knew it had been awhile since he’d seen Celine, but he also knew that her mother was well aware of the fact that her daughter and himself had a less than standard relationship.

“I came to see Celine. It’s been awhile,” he mumbled under his breath. He never did well in these situations. He hated conversations with parents because they always turned out awkward and it was always his fault.

He watched as Celine’s mother dropped the bundle of bags that was in her arms before she pulled her hand to cover her mouth. Her eyes spilled the tears that had slowly been building and he watched as she leaned against the wall for support.

“No one told you?”

Jordan blinked and then frowned when he watched as the older woman fell into despair in front of him. He shifted uncomfortably on his feet, watching as she fell apart. He’d always hated seeing women cry and especially when he felt like the reason she was crying.

“Told me what?”

She let out another short gasp of sadness before she pulled a letter shakily out of her pocket. When Charlie looked at it, he realized that it had been read many times over. It appeared old and wrinkled and he had no idea why she would be handing it to him now.

“I’ll um…” Her mother started, wringing the letter in her hands for several moments before she dabbed at her eyes with the corner of her scarf. “I think you need to go somewhere private and read this, Jordan. Somewhere that only you and…you and Celine knew about,” she whispered, her voice cracking when she said her daughter’s name before she handed the letter over to Jordan.

He watched as she walked out of the room and then frowned as he studied the letter. Celine’s handwriting was scrawled neatly on the front, though it had become faded with how many times the letter had been folded, opened, and refolded again. He tucked the letter into his pocket and then decided that he was going to read it by their tree.

It was the only place he could think of that was truly just his and Celine’s. None of their friends had ever been there. Every time either of them had ever gone there, it was either alone or with one another. He knew that it would be the perfect place to read.

The walk didn’t take too long to reach and when he stood there, he realized that the whole forest he was standing in felt different. The whole place felt haunted; like he was being watched.

He ignored that and then sat down on the snow, not caring that it soaked through his jeans as he pulled the letter out to read it in silence.

I’m not going to open this letter with addressing it to anyone in particular. This letter is being left for anyone at all who still cares. I’m not naïve; I know that I’m loved. I didn’t do this because I felt unloved, I did this out of love. I know that’s something nobody but you will understand, Jordan. Only you realize just how much I love you, even though I sometimes wish that love wasn’t there. Maybe if I didn’t love you, it wouldn’t have come to this.

But this isn’t a letter of regrets or bitterness. This letter is just to let you all know that even if I’m gone, I’m still with all of you somehow, some way. I’m gone now, but I’m still here. I’ll always be here and I’ll always love all of you.

Jordan, I know you’ll think this is your fault whenever you find out. Please don’t blame yourself because this isn’t a result of our relationship or lack thereof. I didn’t do this because of the loneliness I felt when you weren’t here with your arms around me. I didn’t do this because you weren’t here with me through all the cold nights and the long days.

I didn’t do this because I felt you didn’t love me. I know you love me, Jordan. I know you always will.

Even if you weren’t here, your ghost was. I always felt loved by you, Jordan, no matter how much you tried to stop it. You ran away; you left me and sometimes it felt like the only thing that could bring you back to me was an act of God himself. But in the end, we always end up back together because that’s just how it works with us. You go your own way and then somewhere down the road, it turns and you come back and we’re fine again.

I need to go now. I don’t have enough time to make this letter longer, and my heart has run out of things to say to all of you. I want everyone to know that I’m in peace as I do this. I’m not hurting and I’m not angry. I’m fine and that’s why I decided to do this. Everyone has to die eventually; I just wanted to die happy.

By the time Jordan finished reading the letter, his heart felt like it had been ripped out of his chest and stomped on the ground. Tears that had been spilling out of his eyes the entire time he’d been reading; the cool mountain weather freezing them to his face.

Celine was gone and in spite of the fact she had said it wasn’t his fault, he knew it wasn’t. He was the reason for her death. If he’d been there for her like his heart wanted him to be, she wouldn’t have fallen off of that edge. She’d still be alive and they’d be happy with one another. He jumped when he felt a pair of arms wrap around him from behind as he stood up and he just stood there, letting them hold him.

“I’m sorry.”

No one replied and for the longest time, he just stood there. When he finally turned around, no one was there and that was when he knew that Celine hadn’t lied. She was still there with him and she still loved him. He just wished he hadn’t pushed her away with his love because now, he wanted more than anything to have her back in her arms. If he could just have that, he’d have the world.