Reality and Those Hellish Dreams

Sitting outside of Chloe's office, I watched the clock tick slowly, waiting to get called in to talk about Gerard to her. Gerard's in there currently, and by now, you'd think I'd have gotten used to the pale green room surrounding me, but I still hadn't. It still felt unnatural and strange for me to be here, even if it's only for Gerard, or just to talk to Chloe about something that had happened between us.

Ever since I'd met Gerard, I'd known he wasn't quite right.

Well, that's a little bit of a lie. I first met Gerard at a club and his brother had introduced us.. But let's face it, nobody's really themselves when they're in a club and aren't entirely sober. I'd say from.. The second or third time we met, I'd started noticing him being a little different. The way he handled situations and the way he'd.. see the world, just were a little different, I guess. To begin with, I thought he was just a little shy.. And then I watched him take a pill every now and then.

"Is that for headaches or something?" I asked Gerard, looking at the man beside me.

We'd been playing video games at Mikey's (for lack of anything better to do) and he'd paused our game, dragging his bag over to himself and taking out a small bottle of pills. He looked to Mikey, awkwardly, before turning back to me. I put my controller down, watching him as he dry swallowed the little, circular pill. He looked around himself and then at me.

"I take meds for.. Uh.. Depression.. That doesn't bother you, does it?" Gerard had asked, waiting for my reply... And that was when I laughed. Probably louder than I should have.. Probably more than I should of. It had confused him. "Why're you laughing at me? He'd asked, angrily.

"Because you thought that I'd care that you take some pills. Gerard.. You're beautiful and amazing. Why would I possibly care?" I'd told him, and then, we continued on with our game, Mikey beating both Gerard and myself, but only because we kept glancing at one another and getting killed by the lack of attention we were giving our players. That'd been when we were younger. A fair few years back, before things had gotten bad, both for my problems and Gerard's alcohol and drug addictions. Before we were as 'screwed' as we are now. And now.. It was time to get some help. It was time to give in and give Gerard what he needed.

"Frank? You can come in now."

I looked over at Chloe, standing in her doorway and sighed. She gave me a weak smile before I stood from my seat and entered the small room, Gerard sat facing her desk. Chloe closed the door behind her and sat down at her desk, pulling out her notepad and a pink pen from her table.

"Is there anything you'd like to say before I give you my suggestions for the help you two have requested?"

I looked over at Gerard, silently apologising for what I was about to do to him.

"Yes. There is."

Gerard's eyes widened and his gaze raised, quickly, to meet mine. I mouthed 'I'm sorry' to him, before pulling the blade out of my pocket and dropping it on the table with a small 'clink'. Gerard's and Chloe's eyes fell upon the blade, shining in the light of the bulb, illuminating it slightly.

"This was in Gerard's pocket while we were getting... Uhm... intimate earlier. " I said, softly. Chloe scribbled something down in her notepad and Gerard glared at me. "He doesn't have any cuts on his body currently, but I'm worried his suicidal tendencies will come back." I said in a monotone voice, looking down at my fingers.

"Is this true, Gerard? Was the blade in your pocket?"

My lover sighed heavily. I shifted my gaze to look over to him. He nodded.

"Yes. But.. You have to believe that I wasn't going to cut myself, okay? I just had it. It was in.." My eyes widened and my mouth fell sightly. Was he going to sell me out to Chloe? Was he going to fucking tell her?! I desperately looked for an answer in his eyes during his small pause. "It was in my old drawer. I didn't want Frank to find it and assume anything. It was going in the trash." He said, looking down at his hands.

And there's me thinking he'd sell me out.

"I think the best option for you, Gerard, would be to send you back to Blue Stone."

... Just like I'm doing to him. I sold him out. I.. I actually pushed him further away from myself than I could ever imagine. I looked down at my hands.

"Your counciler will be Dr, Ka-"

"Steven?! My old psychiatrist? But.. But I don't want to fucking go back to Blue Stone. I.. I don't even remember being there. I just know that it was awful.." Gerard sadly protested, standing up. "I'm not fucking going back! You can't make me." He said, tears running down his cheeks, sadness turning into anger.

"Gerard, my decision is final. I'm already in contact with Dr Kartz.. Steven, and anything you do at this moment, will be reflected in my decision to send you back to him. He helped you a lot, Gerard, and though you don't remember it, he fixed you during your teenage years. Please sit back down." Chloe said, looking up at Gerard. Gerard walked up to the door and turned the handle, but didn't open the door.

"I can't go back there. I just can't okay? I don't want to." Gerard cried, pressing his face against the door.

"Just give it a go, honey." Chloe offered, standing and moving towards Gerard.

"I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING GO BACK." He screamed, hysterically.

"Gerard, maybe you should go."

Both sets of eyes looked at me and the words I'd just uttered. Silence fell upon the room and I continued my gaze at my hands, playing in my lap. I slowly edged my gaze higher, both Chloe and Gerard still starring at me, their eyes burning into mine. I flicked my eyes between both of them. Gerard sat back down, as did Chloe, tears cascading down his cheeks. Chloe picked up her note pad and scribbled something down.

"If.. If you want me to go, I'll go." He whispered, sniffling.

"I want you to... To go. Okay? To get some help." I whispered, taking his hand.

"Then, if we're all agreed, I'll contact Dr Kartz today. You may go now." Chloe said, still writing in her notepad. Gerard and I stood to leave, saying nothing more than a soft 'Goodbye' to Chloe on our way out.