Trying Not to Love You

It was a studio that Claire silently pulled me into. Not an art studio or a recording studio but a dance studio. A dance studio with a row of vertical poles set up along the far side.

“Claire?” I rested my eyes on her.

“Surprise…hehe,” she wore a look of almost fear.

“Forget the Ronnie thing at least for now. I don’t care,” I told her sincerely. “Now what’s going on?”

“Uh…ok…pole dancing lesson!” she grinned.

“What the fuck,” I giggled.

The entire two hours I didn’t want to ruin Claire’s fun by confessing I was almost an expert on this. Besides it must have taken a fair bit of organising. My excuse to the expertise was that I wanted to try exercise and it was the only fun thing I could come up with.

“Vod…can we talk about that thing now?” Claire sighed when we got into the taxi back to the venue.

“There isn’t anything to talk about, dude. I’m not with him and I never intended to be. You’re free to do as you please as is he,” I told her, not caring for the subject and staring out of the window.

“You’re really not mad at me?” I felt her eyes on me.

“Couldn’t care less. Hey do you wanna do something tonight? I downloaded Insidious and looks pretty scary.” I changed the topic.

“Yeah sure. Your bus or mine?” Claire chewed her lip.

“Mine I guess.”

I did the usual set up for the show while my phone’s music was on full blast through my earphones. I was kind of alone so began dancing around like a moron, slightly like a slut, perhaps bending down seductively to fix connections in place but I decided nobody was around or if they were I didn’t care. While pulling some moves best saved for the darkness of a nightclub and the drunken eyes peering inside such a place I realised I had company. I ripped out my earphones as soon as I realised it was Ronnie, whom was stood right behind me. He wore a cocky smirk across his face and his hands rested on his hips.

“What the fuck are you doing standing there?” I glared him up and down.

“Like you don’t want an audience,” he scoffed.

“No I don’t when I want your attention you’ll know about it,” a growl lowly erupted from my lips.
I found myself staring at him, wondering for a moment what I even saw in him, it didn’t take long of staring to know what the attraction was. “Fuck! Why are you being such a dick? What did I do?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Ronnie replied and strode off backstage leaving me with a familiar feeling of female hormonal retardedness.

“Fuckin’ asshole,” I muttered in a southern accent.

During the show Ronnie kept throwing me these sideways glances that made me so mad. I tried to figure out how he made me so livid. Was it because I wanted him? Did I even want him? If I did then surely it was purely a carnal thing. That must have been it. He knew I wanted him and he knew he could get anyone else and didn’t need me. Well fuck. I didn’t need him. I just didn’t know anyone else around that was bangable. Fuck.

Not another word was uttered between the two of us. The guys were still signing stuff when Claire and I managed to hop aboard the bus and set up the movie in my bunk. We had a bottle of booze each and cuddled up in our pyjamas together very snugly fitted under my cover and began watching Insidious.
About twenty minutes in we were rudely interrupted.

Knock, knock beside my curtain, “Vod?”

“Whaddyawant?” I uttered, pausing our film.

“What are you doing?” Jacky asked.

“Watching a film with Claire. What do you want?” I sighed.

“Nothing. What are you watching it in there?” he slowly peeled back the curtain.

“Cause we’re turnin’ the lesbian up to eleven!” Claire piped up from between myself and the wall then licked my cheek.

“Fucks sake you two,” Jacky laughed a little.

“Can we be left alone for the next hour. Just ‘til we’re done ya know?” Claire winked.

“With the movie,” I added with a smile while rolling my eyes.

Jacky nodded and left us to it.

At a few points of the film I was actually so scared I asked for clean pants. Joking of course. After that we put on The Inbetweeners Movie and just got drunk. We didn’t watch much of that or really pay attention to the part we played but went stumbling out of the bunk to find more alcohol.

“I think we’re gonna have to restock the place tomorrow,” I sniggered.

“We definitely drank most of it,” Claire agreed.

The back lounge door swung open and out came Ronnie. A weird smile rested on his face when he saw us. I continued rifling through the mostly half empty bottles of soda in the cupboard until I hit the jackpot.

“Hey Claire, how’s it goin’?” he totally ignored me to focus on her.

“Rude,” I mumbled and slammed the bottle of schnapps I’d discovered on the counter.

“Alright I guess. You?” she replied uneasily with a hiccup, looking from Ronnie’s smile to my scowl.

“It’s good to see you. Lookin’ for more booze?” he demanded all of her attention and I shuffled back down the bus towards my bunk with my prize.

Claire was a little drunk already so I was sort of letting her ignorance of the ‘Bro’s before Hoe’s’ rule slide.

“Vod!” a whisper from somewhere caught my attention. “In here,” the curtain of the bunk opposite mine moved a little.

I glanced to the kitchen, Claire and Ronnie were getting awfully close again but more importantly they were paying no attention to my endeavours. I retracted the curtain a little and discovered Mika sat up with a smile.

“Get your ass in here and be quiet,” he instructed.

So I climbed in the bottom end inconspicuously and put the curtain back.

“What’s up, dude?” I asked him, sipping from the schnapps.

“I got something. And if my instincts are correct then you’re the perfect person to share with.” He said.

“Whatcha got then?” I slyly smiled and eyes Mika with intrigue.

He had a book in front of him and opened it up to reveal a clear bag, which contained a white substance. When I picked it up ad investigated it was evidently around an eighth of cocaine.

“You cunning slag,” I whispered with eyes wide an saucers already.

Words weren’t needed, we seemed to have built up a connection since I’d become his tech on tour and just now it had strengthened further. He cut up six long lines as I inspected the situation outside our new party zone. Ronnie and Claire had vanished but certain noises clued me in to where they were and consequently what they were up to, also the back lounge door was still shut. I set up a play list on WMP and turned the volume up high enough to mask sex noises and snorting sounds.

We had the schnapps and were well into the second gram of the bag before anything was going on outside in the corridor. We instantly sniffed the lingering lines racked out and pretended to be asleep in case anyone wanted to check up on us. Everyone had evidently turned in and the bus was driving to our next destination.

Despite being on a tour bus and around so-called rock stars, I still couldn’t get my head around the absurdity of having to hide this kinda fun from our company. Maybe it’s because I’d become so used to everyone I knew doing it with me or at least not letting it bother them.

“One more then we should sleep,” Mika advised quietly.

“Just one last one.” I agreed.

He racked two long lines up which we immediately snorted before turning off the music.

“What do we do now?” Mika whispered.

“I dunno. We need to sleep or there will be major trouble tomorrow,” I noted wisely.

“Yeah. Probably shouldn’t have had those last lines,” Mika almost giggled.

“Dude, fuck, what if we need another line?” a smirk erupted from my lips.

“You’re right. We might need another line. Shhh don’t tempt me!” he whispered but couldn’t help grinning. “Fuck. Why do we have to work tomorrow!” I whined.

“No more. Just no. Save it for the next day off. Or tomorrow,” Mika asserted.

“Must be strong. Promise not to do anymore and I’m going to bed,” I told him.

“But you should stay here.”

“But no cause I won’t be able to sleep. I’ll have to procrastinate ‘til I get tired and I can’t do that if we’re cuddling,” as if that were obvious.

“Awww but you’re good for cuddles!” he pouted quietly.

“Yeah so are you but this is neither the time nor place. So I’m gonna sleep and you do what you gotta do. But no coke.” I smiled.

“Ok fine, fine, drug buddy,” he hugged me.

“We’re more than just drug buddies,” I hugged him back, “we could be best buddies. Reconvene on that subject when we’re not wired, right?”

“Right.” He nodded.

I tried to silently slip from his bunk and across into mine but the bus suddenly jerked to a halt. The driver yelled some profanity and I did a backward roll into the door, which flew open, and I smacked my head on the lounge table base.

“Mother fucker!” I grunted.

“You ok?” Mika called, peeking out.

“Fine thanks,” I saluted him with two fingers and crawled back over successfully into my bunk this time.

I lay on top of the covers feeling my heart pound and mind race over the most random things ever. We’d been in there for hours drinking and sniffing. Time flies when you’re having a blast.
I picked up my phone to see what I could play with and found a message received an hour ago.

Max: Hey. What’s up?

I quickly replied to find out if he was still awake and if it was ok to call. When I got a positive reply I followed through.

“Hey you. What are you doing still up?” Max spoke softly.

“Can’t sleep. You sound like I woke you up,” I felt an urge to chew so stuck my finger in the corner of my mouth between my teeth.

“No you didn’t. I’m tired but can’t sleep myself. How was your day?”

“Fucking weird. Claire took my pole dancing then we had the show. Ronnie’s been an ass. Or maybe I’m crazy. Then I was hanging out with Mika,” I relayed.

“Pole dancing? I shouldn’t be surprised right?” he sounded like a smile was playing upon his face.

“Nah. I don’t find anything shocking anymore. Don’t let anything I do surprise you.”

“Did you find out when your next day off it yet?”

“Oh yeah, in two weeks the tour is finishing. We’ll be in…Portland I think there’s gonna be some party then we’re flying back in the morning.”

“Like exactly two weeks, the Friday?” he pressed.

“Yeah the Friday. Well it’ll be the last night of the tour that day so there’s the final show but after that I’m all yours,” I smiled at his eagerness.

“Awesome. I’ll check my schedule and see what I can do.”

“Are you always to excited to see all your latest acquaintances?” I voiced my thoughts before considering them first.

“Not all my latest acquaintances are so interesting. So no,” Max replied.

“I’m not complaining by the way. It’s cool. Well maybe if it were anyone else it wouldn’t be. But you’re cool,” I rambled slightly. “Anyway. Do you think Coma White is a good song to fall asleep to?” my mouth moved faster that my mind somehow.

“Coma White…like Mechanical Animals, Manson?” he responded.

“Yeah that.”

“It’s a good song to slowly kill yourself to but I suppose you could fall asleep to it,” Max chuckled slightly down the line.

“I hope you don’t decided to slowly kill yourself to Coma White. Just don’t kill yourself at all. Stay alive please. Fuck I can’t sleep to that song now; I’ll imagine you killing yourself. Now we need a new song to fall asleep to,” I pouted.

This caused Max to laugh a little harder.
“I’m not gonna kill myself. But ok a new song. Most songs off that album could send you to sleep, they’re quite slow.”

“Makes me wanna cry sometimes. Manson makes me quite emotional if I really take it in. Hmmmm. Apple of Sodom or his cover of I Put a Spell on You might do the job.”

“I got something you can never eat,” Max whispered a line from Apple of Sodom.

“Awh,” I pouted further not wanting the tone of the conversation to be lowered as it easily could be.

Weariness had taken me down noticeably now.
“Think you’ll be able to sleep yet?” I uttered.

“I think so now. You’ve been a help.”

“Can’t wait for two weeks.”

“Me neither,” Max whispered.