Status: On hiatus
Falling
Chapter Sixteen: Break The Law.
I was leaving Dr. Johannson's a load lighter. We talked, well I talked, about Chris. I hadn't thought I would cry but a river flooded out of me while I told him about my sham of a marriage, Chris' infidelity and my own stupidity in staying. Then he asked about Aiden.
“He's a good guy.” I told the doc. “He's sweet and kind and understanding but....”
“But what Dylan? Let it out.” He said after I put my head down and went silent.
I sighed. “I lied to him. No relationship can be built on a lie. Trust me I know.”
The doc wrote something down. “What did he say when you told him you were married?”
“He was hurt, obviously. And he said he liked me a lot but wouldn't do anything until I resolve my marital problems.”
“Does he know about your depression?” Doc asked. I nodded. “How does that make you feel? I know you like to keep your secrets.” He gave me a smile.
“I'm not sure. On one hand it's liberating, he knows about my past, he knows and it's all out there no more hiding. No more secrets. One the other, it makes me feel vulnerable, like he knows too much and there's no turning back. He could use it against me, never trust me, Never speak to me.” I stopped, more tears ran down my face. The doctor told me it was good to open up and let it out, not hold it inside any longer. The tears were a release, I'm not sure I believed that but it helped a bit.
I picked up where I left off at in Paradise Lost, I read a few pages but it only reminded me of Aiden. I wondered what he was doing right now. I smiled at the painting of me, it was leaning against the wall of my hotel room. How did he get in my car? How had he out where I worked? This gave me mixed feelings. I was supposed to stay away because Aiden wanted to wait until I sorted things out with Chris but then he shows up out of the blue and gives me a painting. Mixed signals, yes but the thought of him thinking of made the pain in my heart subside a little, if only for a moment.
On Friday, after having stayed in that hotel all week Madison invited me to stay with her and Matt. “Are you sure? I don't want to intrude.” I asked her as we spoke on the phone.
“Don't be silly. You're my baby sister you can stay until you get on your feet.”
“Is Matt okay with this?”
“Yes, but really he doesn't get a say. If his crazy aunt Gilda could stay then surely you can.”
I smiled. “Thanks Maddie.”
“No problem. You can keep things in the the other spare room if you don't want them in storage.”
“I don't have much to store anyway.”
“Want my help moving it?”
'Yeah that would be great. Thanks for everything Mad.”
“You know mom is coming home early.” I rolled my eyes. “Something about a family emergency or intervention or something. You never know with that woman.”
“Most likely an intervention. That would be so mom.” We both laughed. I had been years since me and Maddie had seemed so close. She had her own life to live, she still was attending university, had a happy marriage. Somewhere along the way she grew up while I stayed the same. Alone and a child. I guess it took a lot of heartache for me to find my way into true adulthood. I realized I had been missing Maddie, that after dad died we drifted apart. I was stuck in the past of my own misery. She had learned to grieve, while I buried the pains of the past, and present deep inside. That shit has a tendency to mess you up inside, make you have crazy thoughts.... like suicide. “I love you Maddie.” I didn't say those words often, it felt strange.
Madison smiled. “I love you too Dill. Always.”
I stayed at Maddie and tried to stay out of her and Matt's way as much as possible. I would go out to have dinner alone, come back and retreat to the guest bedroom. I went to work, I did the routine, everyday I tried to find ways to distract me from my misery. I had little to no contact with Chris, which was a good thing. Chris gotten the divorce papers but had yet to sign them. What was he waiting for? Hell to freeze over?
Aiden would text me in the morning or the middle of the night and we would sometimes talk but only briefly. We didn't talk about my problems and we hadn't seen each other in more than a week. I missed him. Was that wrong?
I planned on going home -well not home anymore- to get some more of my things. My apartment hunt was winding down and hopefully I would be getting my own place soon enough. I needed several things from there so I went over on that Friday evening. It was still light out as I drove down the familiar street that evening. Chris' car was absent, he's probably at some bar. I parked the car and walked up the path. I went to unlock the door but the key wouldn't fit. I tried several times before I went to the backdoor. It was the same thing there.
That bastard changed the locks. It had only been two weeks since I'd left.
I wanted to try the spare key that was normally kept underneath a flower pot in the front lawn but it was missing. I searched around some more but found nothing. I tried to call Chris but he wouldn't answer. He changed the goddamn locks. I was so pissed. I tried my key again but it was the same results as before. I called Chris again and again. I sent him a text telling him I needed to get into the house asap. No response. I tried to reign in my anger but it did no good. He locked me out of my own house. He locked me out of my own fucking house. We were still married, he had no right.
I was getting in one way or another. Once I had time to look back on it I realized just how stupid it was but I'd probably do it all over again given the chance. I went around back and found just what I was looking for. I picked it up, the rock, and chucked it through the glass of the back door. It shattered in a million tiny fragments onto the floor. I reached my hand inside just as the alarm went sounded. I found the lock, cutting my arm on some broken glass in the process and unlocked the door. Once inside I tried to silence the alarm but the code wouldn't work. That motherfucker. He changed the code too. I tried it again but it was useless. I went upstairs and began gathering my things. Stupid of me, I know. I should have called the alarm company and tell them it was a false alarm, but would they believe me? I could have tried Chris again but he was ignoring me. So I went on as if the alarm wasn't going off. I pulled everything I could into my two big bags, clothes shoes, some of my jewelery. I realized too late my mistake. As I made my way downstairs and into the living room a voice behind me make me stop in my tracks.
“Freeze.” I dropped the bags.
“He's a good guy.” I told the doc. “He's sweet and kind and understanding but....”
“But what Dylan? Let it out.” He said after I put my head down and went silent.
I sighed. “I lied to him. No relationship can be built on a lie. Trust me I know.”
The doc wrote something down. “What did he say when you told him you were married?”
“He was hurt, obviously. And he said he liked me a lot but wouldn't do anything until I resolve my marital problems.”
“Does he know about your depression?” Doc asked. I nodded. “How does that make you feel? I know you like to keep your secrets.” He gave me a smile.
“I'm not sure. On one hand it's liberating, he knows about my past, he knows and it's all out there no more hiding. No more secrets. One the other, it makes me feel vulnerable, like he knows too much and there's no turning back. He could use it against me, never trust me, Never speak to me.” I stopped, more tears ran down my face. The doctor told me it was good to open up and let it out, not hold it inside any longer. The tears were a release, I'm not sure I believed that but it helped a bit.
I picked up where I left off at in Paradise Lost, I read a few pages but it only reminded me of Aiden. I wondered what he was doing right now. I smiled at the painting of me, it was leaning against the wall of my hotel room. How did he get in my car? How had he out where I worked? This gave me mixed feelings. I was supposed to stay away because Aiden wanted to wait until I sorted things out with Chris but then he shows up out of the blue and gives me a painting. Mixed signals, yes but the thought of him thinking of made the pain in my heart subside a little, if only for a moment.
On Friday, after having stayed in that hotel all week Madison invited me to stay with her and Matt. “Are you sure? I don't want to intrude.” I asked her as we spoke on the phone.
“Don't be silly. You're my baby sister you can stay until you get on your feet.”
“Is Matt okay with this?”
“Yes, but really he doesn't get a say. If his crazy aunt Gilda could stay then surely you can.”
I smiled. “Thanks Maddie.”
“No problem. You can keep things in the the other spare room if you don't want them in storage.”
“I don't have much to store anyway.”
“Want my help moving it?”
'Yeah that would be great. Thanks for everything Mad.”
“You know mom is coming home early.” I rolled my eyes. “Something about a family emergency or intervention or something. You never know with that woman.”
“Most likely an intervention. That would be so mom.” We both laughed. I had been years since me and Maddie had seemed so close. She had her own life to live, she still was attending university, had a happy marriage. Somewhere along the way she grew up while I stayed the same. Alone and a child. I guess it took a lot of heartache for me to find my way into true adulthood. I realized I had been missing Maddie, that after dad died we drifted apart. I was stuck in the past of my own misery. She had learned to grieve, while I buried the pains of the past, and present deep inside. That shit has a tendency to mess you up inside, make you have crazy thoughts.... like suicide. “I love you Maddie.” I didn't say those words often, it felt strange.
Madison smiled. “I love you too Dill. Always.”
I stayed at Maddie and tried to stay out of her and Matt's way as much as possible. I would go out to have dinner alone, come back and retreat to the guest bedroom. I went to work, I did the routine, everyday I tried to find ways to distract me from my misery. I had little to no contact with Chris, which was a good thing. Chris gotten the divorce papers but had yet to sign them. What was he waiting for? Hell to freeze over?
Aiden would text me in the morning or the middle of the night and we would sometimes talk but only briefly. We didn't talk about my problems and we hadn't seen each other in more than a week. I missed him. Was that wrong?
I planned on going home -well not home anymore- to get some more of my things. My apartment hunt was winding down and hopefully I would be getting my own place soon enough. I needed several things from there so I went over on that Friday evening. It was still light out as I drove down the familiar street that evening. Chris' car was absent, he's probably at some bar. I parked the car and walked up the path. I went to unlock the door but the key wouldn't fit. I tried several times before I went to the backdoor. It was the same thing there.
That bastard changed the locks. It had only been two weeks since I'd left.
I wanted to try the spare key that was normally kept underneath a flower pot in the front lawn but it was missing. I searched around some more but found nothing. I tried to call Chris but he wouldn't answer. He changed the goddamn locks. I was so pissed. I tried my key again but it was the same results as before. I called Chris again and again. I sent him a text telling him I needed to get into the house asap. No response. I tried to reign in my anger but it did no good. He locked me out of my own house. He locked me out of my own fucking house. We were still married, he had no right.
I was getting in one way or another. Once I had time to look back on it I realized just how stupid it was but I'd probably do it all over again given the chance. I went around back and found just what I was looking for. I picked it up, the rock, and chucked it through the glass of the back door. It shattered in a million tiny fragments onto the floor. I reached my hand inside just as the alarm went sounded. I found the lock, cutting my arm on some broken glass in the process and unlocked the door. Once inside I tried to silence the alarm but the code wouldn't work. That motherfucker. He changed the code too. I tried it again but it was useless. I went upstairs and began gathering my things. Stupid of me, I know. I should have called the alarm company and tell them it was a false alarm, but would they believe me? I could have tried Chris again but he was ignoring me. So I went on as if the alarm wasn't going off. I pulled everything I could into my two big bags, clothes shoes, some of my jewelery. I realized too late my mistake. As I made my way downstairs and into the living room a voice behind me make me stop in my tracks.
“Freeze.” I dropped the bags.