Status: On hiatus

Falling

Chapter Nineteen: Lose Weight

“He wants what?” Madison asked when I got home that night. I had begun telling her about my meeting with Chris.
“An at fault divorce.”
“Based on what?”
“Possible adultery, for not legally separating first, Chris had said that we should have at least tried to work it out first before we jumped straight ahead into divorce. Oh and, this is the best one, insanity.” I giggled. “I might be screwed on the last one, my depression, my attempt, heck I'm surprised he didn't bring up the so-called break in.”
“Well you did break in.” Mad muttered.
“Hey, not helping.”
“Sorry.” She looked sympathetic. “I really am Dill. He doesn't really have a leg to stand on though. You're not crazy, depression isn't insanity. You legally don't have to separate and you didn't cheat on him, did you?”
“No.” I made sure my face didn't give me away as I thought about my kiss with Aiden. Technically it was cheating but Chris knew nothing about it. “He was the one who found a skank whenever he was out of town. I knew about the other women, that's why I wouldn't sleep with him anymore. He said I refused him sex and that's his proof of my infidelity. And I was sneaking around late at night.” I huffed out a breath in frustration. “Neither of us can prove a thing. I can't prove he hit me, I cant-”
“Wait what?” Madison's eyes got big. “He hit you?”
I gave a small smile. “The day I went over to get my things, you know, weekend before last. He got pissed off and slapped me. He followed me from the house and once we were outside I asked him if he was going to hit me again. One of the neighbors heard me, but they didn't witness shit.”
“Dill-”
“It's fine, it'll all be over soon. I'm fine.” I really wasn't but hey no point in bringing that up.

I was getting thinner, no doubt about it. I wasn't very big to begin with but I noticed it once my pants began to sag. They say stress makes you sick, it would explain a few things. I was constantly getting headaches, feeling nauseous because I had no appetite and even when I managed to eat it wouldn't always stay down. The divorce was taking it's toll, among other things. I was taking my medication, but only a few days a week. I didn't like how I was beginning to depend on them. I know I know, not good at all.
I absorbed myself in my job even working overtime just as a distraction. I wasn't entirely myself, was that good or bad? Maddie was worried but I assured he I was fine which didn't really assure her at all. She had my best interest at heart I knew, but the feeling of someone always questioning me got on my last nerve. I snapped at her one morning as we had coffee. “I'm fine. Jesus, stop asking me that question.”
“I only asked because you don't seem like... you.” She snapped back. “God, Dylan, chill.”
I got up from my seat and left out of the front door. I didn't return until after midnight that night. I felt bad for getting mad at her but I couldn't stop it. I felt so angry all the time now. And to top it all off, Mom had returned. She had been avoiding me for a few days now but one evening she showed up at Madison's. “Hi mom.” Maddie said as she came inside the den. I was on my way out but Madison gave me a hard look. I huffed out a loud sigh. She gave my sister and Matt each a huge hug.
“Hey Mom.” I said in an unenthusiastic voice.
“Dylan.” Mom said dryly. For some reason that made me smile. That was all she said to me as she sat down on the couch. Mom began telling Matt and Maddie about her trip, she was ignoring me and I her. I went into the kitchen and did the dishes just so I wouldn't have to hear her talk. I was lost in a daydream about Aiden, wondering what he was up to, and hadn't noticed she had entered the room. “I talked to Chris.” She informed me.
“Good for you.” I rinsed off a plate.
“He misses you.”
“Uh huh.”
“Dylan. Dylan listen to me.”
“I hear you mom. I just don't care.” I said coolly without turning around to face her.
“Do you think your father would approve of your irresponsible behavior?”
“I wouldn't know, mom. He's dead and gone.”
He felt her move closer to me. I still didn't turn around. “Dylan. I love you.” I actually laughed as she said it. She'd always had a funny way of showing it. I finally faced her, she glowered at me. “I' m serious. I will always love you but I don't agree with this. At all.” She waved her hands in the air dramatically as she spoke. I crossed my arms.
“Mom, did Chris tell you about hitting me?” She actually looked shocked for a moment, before fixing her perfect face. “Or his cheating? His possessiveness? His verbal abuse?” She was silent. “Didn't think so.” I turned my attention back to the dishes, running the hot water over them. I heard mom move over to sit in a chair.
“I'm sorry baby.” She sounded chocked up. Oh please, spare me.
“Yeah there seems to be a lot of that going around.” I muttered. Whether she heard it or not she didn't respond.
I finished what I had been doing, mom said something and it took me a moment to figure out. “You don't look so good.” She had said, and I knew just what she meant. I looked like shit. I was falling apart slowly. I ignored her and wiped down the counter just as Madison came into the room.
“Ya'll okay?” She asked.
“Just fine.” I left the room without another word. I didn't have time for mom. I went to my adopted bedroom, put on my headphones and fell asleep listening to Queen.

I moved into my new apartment in the middle of April. It had been a little more than a month since I filed for divorce. It would take a few more for this to all be final. The apartment, closer to downtown and my job, was small but cozy. One bedroom with one bathroom, a living room and kitchen. The basement of the building had washers and dryers and there were five other units here. I had bought a sofa, a coffee table, a TV, and a bed. The rest could wait. I didn't have much else to move in but Maddie and Matt were kind enough to help. I was about a half hours drive away from them now, instead of the usual ten minutes. But it was okay. I was finally on my own.
And it was scary as all hell.
I still wasn't eating right, or feeling right but nothing being right in my world was the norm.
I was glad I didn't have Maddie breathing down my back anymore. Telling me to eat, or to get out of the house more, to rest, to live a little. I wanted to talk to Aiden but we hadn't really been in touch lately. He was busy doing his art, being talented and all that. It had been two weeks since I last heard from him and then we hadn't talked about much, trivial things, the weather, news, our jobs. Nothing at all really. I had been by his place one night but he wasn't home. I was going to wait around for him but I was afraid I'd see him coming home with another girl. And even though we aren't together, that would crush me.
I text him and told him I had finally moved. I was going to ask him to come by and see it but that might be too forward. Would he even want to? It wasn't until after midnight that I got a reply:

Congrats. Can't wait to see it :)

Why did that make me feel down? Was I expecting him to write more? Di he really want to come by? Was he just being nice or was he being sincere? I was afraid to ask. So I only replied back:

Thanks. Me too.

I went to the bathroom and pulled out my antidepressants. My anxiety was getting to me. I looked at the pill before popping it into my mouth. I took a handful of water from the faucet and gulped it down. I stared at myself in the mirror. What I saw there was reflecting me on the inside.
My hair mussed, my face gaunt, my eyes had dark circles beneath them, there was a sadness there that wouldn't wash away with a pill. I used to try to hide my pain, now I wallowed openly in it. I lived alone now, no need to hide. No matter what I tried I still felt worthless and small. I didn't really deserve Aiden, he was too good for me. That familiar pain in my heart returned. I had thought I could hide it from it but it came to me in the darkest of hours. I lied back down on the bed and cried myself to sleep, ignoring the next text he had sent me all together.