Falling

I miss you.

Three simple words. I stared at my phone for a long time that next morning. He said he missed me. I missed him too. Even though we haven't known one another that long I have never felt this strong about anyone or anything before.
And for that reason alone I was scared to death.
He had sent the text last night. Should I respond now? What should I say? The right thing would to do would to be honest. I miss you too, I typed out then deleted the message. I looked at the clock and noticed I was running late. I got ready quickly then head off to work.
Leaving thoughts of Aiden behind, if only for a little while.

The windows in Dr. Johannson's office were open wide, it was pleasant afternoon, a soft breeze filtered in and ruffled a few of the papers on his desk. He put a book on top to keep them from flying away before he continued. “So have you talked to Aiden lately?”
My chest tightened with the mention of his name. I had been trying to get him off my mind. “No, not really. We've been keeping our distance.”
“Is that something you actually want? Distance?”
“He's just a boy.” I replied nonchalantly. “And I'm not important to him.” Or so I had been trying telling myself. And the doc wasn't buying it.
“Is that so? So you don't want try to be friends with him?”
“I've never had any friends doc. Why start now?” He looked down at his papers for a moment. “Aiden's great but...” I trailed off. I wasn't sure what I was going to say. I thought of his text and sighed. I then my attention the butterfly that had landed on the window seal. It was almost entirely black, and completely beautiful. I wanted to touch it, take it in my hands and hold it for always. I shook my head to clear my thoughts.
“I like him but in the end it will never work. He's got a nice future ahead of him. I'd only weigh him down.”
He cocked an eyebrow. “Do you really believe that?”
I answered honestly. “Yes. Yes I do.”

I had been meaning to text Aiden back but he called me that night instead, just as I was sitting down to eat my mean of Ramon noodles.
“Hey Dylan.” Just the sound of his voice on the line almost made me cry. Pull it together Dill. He's only a guy. Albeit a fantastic, talented, funny, interesting, sweet guy.
“Hey.” I said a little hoarse. I cleared my throat. “How are you?”
“Good. Good. You?”
“Oh I'm fine.” Awkward pause. I could hear his breathing. “So.” We both said it at the same time. I heard him laugh. “You first.” I told him.
“How are things really Dylan?” He said seriously.
“The divorce is moving forward. Uh, like I said I've got a new place. I'm... good.”
“How is your soon to be ex handling it?”
“Like a big baby.” I tried to smile to myself and failed. “What have you been up to?”
“I've got a show coming up next month. Lots of new pieces I've been working on. And uh... that's it really. How have you been handling your....” he took a long pause, trying to say the word I knew he would. “depression?” I was silent. “Oh God, that came out wrong.” He said apologetically.
“It's okay. I'm... better.”
“You never told me exactly why you tried to... uh.” He couldn't finish. I really was regretting having told him about my attempt. I knew it would make him worry which is the last thing I wanted.
“Well, I don't want to talk about it now.” I found my voice taking on a harsher tone. I pinched the bridge of my nose in frustration. Don't get mad at Aiden, I told myself. He's the only friend you've got.
“Sorry. But I've seen how bottled up you are and I just thought you might like to open up. Even a little. It's not healthy to keep it all inside.” I took a deep breath and exhaled loud enough for him to hear.
“Aiden. I appreciate the suggestion but I can't. Not right now.” Another long pause. “Uh, I've gotta go.” I'm not sure why I said that but I did.
“Wait. Will you have dinner with me tomorrow, at the diner? I just wanted to see you.”
I took a moment to think and then agreed. Maybe I need to see him or maybe it was a mistake and would make my heart break even more. Either way I was going.

Friday evening came on faster than I liked. I drove to Frenchie's diner at six and sat in the parking lot wondering if this was a good idea. Aiden was already inside, so I sucked it up and got out of the car. A smile was playing on his face as he saw me. I could feel a small grin coming on. I took a seat across from him in the booth he occupied.
“You look good.” He said by way of greeting.
“You too.” He had his Buddy Holly glasses on the table. He brushed his curly lochs off of forehead. “So, you have a show coming up.” I said because I couldn't think of anything else.
“Yeah it's a month from now. I would like it if you came.”
“That would be great. So I imagine you've been busy.”
“Yeah, I've got a few more pieces to work on but it's coming along nicely.”
“I'm happy for you.” He smiled.
The waitress took our order and for a few minutes we were both silent. For some reason he made me more nervous than usual. I took a sip of my root beer just to have something to do. He cocked his head to the side. “How's the apartment?” He asked, breaking the silence.
“Oh, it's fine, I guess. I've never lived on my own before, so it's... different.” I said for lack of a better word.
“You'll get used to it.”
“I don't have much of a choice.” Then the silence returned. Our food came and that gave us a real reason not to talk. “Did you really mean it when you said you missed me?”
He gave me a long look, “Yes. I did.”
“Why?”
“I have to have a reason to miss you?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, you're sweet, and kind and I love how I feel when I'm around you. I wouldn't have kept my distance if things had been different. But now, since you're divorce is going through I figured we could at least try this friendship thing out.”
Did he just say friendship? I don't want to be just friends. But I didn't say that, all I said was “Uh huh.”
“Dylan, I like you, you know that. But let's take it slow.”
“I get it.” I took a bit of my burger but my appetite was gone. “It's fine.” I mumbled.
“Dylan. Don't be like that.”
“Like what? I'm fine.” I said unconvincingly. Silence returned and stretched. I picked at my food. Why was I mad? Aiden had a point. Taking it slow was a good idea, but the heart wants what the heart wants. And it wanted Aiden. This was bad. I shouldn't have come.
“How is the divorce coming along?”
“Uh, Can we not talk about it?”
“Okay, what about your therapy?” I kept quiet. “Let me guess, you don't want to talk.” He huffed out a frustrated sigh. “Dylan, please give me something. I'm only trying to get to know you better to help.”
“Well don't.” I snapped. “I'm sorry.” I apologized. “I just can't do this. Opening up thing.”
“So can you expect me to move forward with you when you won't let me in?”
“Maybe we should forget about it.” I said before I thought, but I didn't take it back. He stared at me for a long time, his green eyes bore into mine.
“Fine.” He said.
The familiar pain in my heart returned. But like a hurt child all I said in return was, “Fine.”



It was the beginning of May, the sun was shinning, and things were moving ahead more or less. Chris had come to his senses and dropped the at fault divorce, now it was a no fault one, like had wanted all along. We would be leaving the marriage with what we came into it with if things went right.
I hadn't see Chris since our last meeting and really didn't want to. I kept my mind free of him until I had to think about him. Our lawyers thought it best if they met without us for the time being. I can't blame them after what happened last time.

I hadn't spoken to Aiden since our 'talk' at the diner, and that was two weeks ago. I wasn't sure if I had meant what I had said. I wanted to be with Aiden, but I knew in order to do that I would have to let him in. Opening up has never been my strong suit. I wanted him to be happy, he deserved that. I wasn't sure if in the end I could bring him that.
I tried to find the bright side of all of this. Maybe Aiden could find a nice girl who wasn't so stuck in her own head, who didn't have all this extra baggage, who suited him better.
Every time I thought of picking up the phone an telling Aiden sorry, a little voice in the back of my head told me it was for the best if we stayed apart.

Time passed in a way that I hardly paid attention too. I got up, I got dressed, I went to work, I got off, I came home, I ate dinner, I went to bed. And on the weekends I the only thing that changed about my routine was that I never left the house. I stopped taking my meds, I waned myself off of them, I hated they was they began to make me feel. I didn't want to depend on them anymore.
I became even more distant. I stopped talking to Madison. She told me something that for a while I tried to ignore. She said, quote, “If you don't stop burning all of your bridges, pretty soon they'll be none let to burn and no way to come back home.” I thought it was silly, but I knew what she meant, all too well. But a tiger can't change it's stripes. I am what I am, flawed and heartbroken and broken.

I was beginning to feel bad, get that sinking to the bottom of the well feeling again.
I sat at my lonely kitchen table and felt beat. In some weird way I had lost nearly everything. The house I couldn't care less about, the neighborhood was nice but I'll manage. I lost the so called dream. Why did that make me feel so bad? I was only twenty one and already about to be a divorcee. What a way to start a new life.
I also lost Aiden, well he was never mine to lose but still. Why had I been such a bitch to him? I could have just told him what was on my mind, but no. I had to go and ruin it. I almost had a chance at happiness.
That thought made me feel even worse.
I rested my head on the table and sighed. “It'll be okay Dylan.” I spoke out loud. “Maybe.” I answered. “Oh great, not only am I talking to myself, I'm responding as well.” I hope I'm not truly losing it.

The white walls of my apartment were bothering me, I don't know why but they had gotten under my skin. So I decided to do something about it. I looked around until I found my magic markers. I took out a pink one and wrote. 'Loneliness is a killer'. I stared at it for a moment before writing: 'We live as we dream- alone'.
I began writing words, quotes anything I felt from deep in my soul. I wrote fast, unsteady and overlapped several of the sayings.
'We are born alone, we love alone, we die alone.' was the last quote I wrote. I wasn't going to finish it, it seemed complete as is but added the last part, 'Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.' It saddened me and yet gave me a fleeting hope until I began to think of how true those words were. I remember my father saying them when I was a child, and then learning later on that Orson Wells had been the one to speak them. He hit the nail on the head, that's for sure.
I smiled sadly at the colourful word on my once clean wall. A hysterical laugh escaped my mouth. I sank down to the floor and rocked back and forth. I felt so alone, wishing, hoping to reach out an touch someone but my fears have hindered my way of thinking and the trust I put in others. I wanted to be held, be told everything in time would work out. But I wasn't going to be the one to pick up the phone and ask for help. No not me. Never.
And that was the problem.
I went to the bathroom and flushed my remaining pills down the toilet. They weren't doing me any good anyway. I knew what I need to do. I wasn't at all smart but it seemed inevitable. Now.
A smarter person, a stronger person would have found a better solution. But I was neither smart nor strong.
It was just after one am. I took one last look at the wall and headed out the door to my car.