Falling

Everything seemed to be falling apart. Ripped at the seams.
I could blame it on my mother's lack of attentiveness and love and nurturing, that every child deserves.
I could blame my father, the person I loved the most, missed more than the world, for dying and leaving me all alone in this bitter world. I feel the guilt of it everyday.
I could blame it on my jealousy of Madison's intelligence, good looks, her sound marriage. She was everything I could never be.
I could blame it on Chris and him being a lousy husband and over all a bad person. For the abuse he gave, the belittling, the overall wasting of time.
I could blame Aiden for not rushing to my side, for giving up on me., even though it wasn't his place to break my fall, I wish he would have.
But all blame fell to me. It always did. I had pushed and pushed, and burned all my bridges, like Maddie said I would. So it was no surprise I was standing here now. I couldn't expect anyone to help my when it was clear I couldn't help myself.
The cool wind fluttered pass and whipped my hair around my wet cold face. I stood with my head held high. This time I would do it right. This time there would be no way to revive me.
I hadn't looked down yet. I was atop of the ten story building. It some time in the early hours of the morning, the sky was still pitch black and no one would find my body until daylight.
My mind began wondering how bad the pain would be. Would I welcome it? Did I deserve it? Yes, was the answer, or so I told myself. I was good at lying to myself.
My feet inch ahead a little, closer and closer to the edge. I felt a light drizzle of rain coming down, making me shiver.
I though of my dad, I missed him so very much. What would he think of his little girl, the coward? He had raised no coward. How had I become this way? I knew the answer. Time destroys those of us who are weak.
“Daddy I'm sorry.” I spoke to the wind. “I'm so, so sorry. I miss you so much. What should I do?”
I gritted my teeth and sucked in a breath. Exhaled. Breathed in the scent of the rain, breathing for these final moments. It's all I had left now. If he were here I knew dad would want me to hold on, to fight harder. But I couldn't, I was never the strong one in the family. Plus if he were here I was sure I wouldn't have become this sad pathetic person.
Maddie was going to be pissed and upset, mom wouldn't be surprised, Chris would get his wish and Aiden... that familiar heartache I felt when I thought of him sprang up. What would be think? Would he ever find out about my death? Aiden that beautiful boy, I fucked things up and there is nothing I can do about that now. Well that wasn't necessarily true, but I made my choice.
I knew that if all the stories were right, I would wind up in hell, and rightfully so. I wouldn't see my dad again, if there is a heaven I know he's there. He had to be.
Maybe there was nothing beyond this world. Maybe it was lights out and we all get sucked into oblivion. A peaceful state in which you don't think or feel. But I knew the universe was cruel and oblivion was too good to be true, there had to be a consequence. Otherwise what's the point?
The rain was increasing and I heard thunder rumble somewhere in the distance, April showers in May.
I finally got the courage to look down. I stretched my neck forward, then my eyes went down. I was really high up. The fall I knew would only take seconds, gravity would pull me down swiftly, but it was still a far way down. I should have thought this through better. I was going to become a splatter body parts on the pavement below. Is that really how I want to go? Do I want some stranger finding my mangled body, so broken it's beyond recognition? I don't think so.
I felt myself sway a little, as I tried to keep my balance.
There had to be something to live for, I thought. Something beyond this pain. There had to be more. This wasn't the way. There had to be beauty and joy and happiness. I had that for a moment in time. I could have it all again. But I needed to try a little harder. Anything worth having needed to be earned.
Maddie, and Aiden, they were only two people in seven billion but sometimes it's all you need to survive.
I smile and lifted my head up to the sky.
Then I jumped.
Backward, onto solid ground, back to life. I didn't want to die, no one wants to die, not really, we just can't bare the thought of living when it becomes to painful. It's okay to be scared, I told myself, it's okay not to have the answers right now, it would all be okay. No one has all the answers anyway. There are people out there who have it a thousand times worse than I. I still had a hope, albeit fleeting, it still existed for me when it didn't for others. I could get away from the ledge, live. I brought my knees to my chest as I sank down to the ground and rocked.
It was going to be okay, one step at a time, one day at a time, that's what it took. I cried as the rain pounded at my back, I cried so long I couldn't catch my breath. Eventually I stood up, one shaky leg at a time. Soaked to the bone, I made my way back to ground level. I needed to make things right. I needed to undo the wrongs. Ask for forgiveness. And stop living in fear of rejection, fear of pain, fear of living.
The rain was coming down in buckets once I reached my car. I was soaking wet, I couldn't tell the tears from the rain. I knew where I needed to be. I let my heart lead the way.