Falling

I felt Aiden's arm draped over my midsection, his soft snores sounded from behind me. I blinked at the sunlight that managed to peek through the closed curtains. I pulled the blankets up until they were under my chin. Aiden snuggled closer, his bare chest, I felt through my borrowed t-shirt, was warm. I had fell asleep in his arms, the most comfortable place, and had slept like a baby. I wasn't sure what time it was but I knew I needed to get up. I started to rise but his grip tightened and pulled me back to him. I let out a small sigh. “Stay.” he murmured sleepily.
“I need to pee.” I whispered.
“Okay.” he moved his arm slowly, allowing me to get out of the bed. In the bathroom I saw my face. My eyes were puffy, and still a little bloodshot, I smoothed my towel dried hair down. I went back to the room.
Aiden had his head buried beneath the tons of blankets that were on the bed. I went around to the other side of the bed and crawled in next to him and pulled the covers over my own head. Aiden's hands found my skin and pulled me to him once more. He snuggled his body next to me, his leg draped over my legs possessively. “How are you doing?” He asked minutes later.
“I thought you were sleep.” I said, my voice barely above a whisper.
“I was. You okay?”
“I don't know.” That was the best answer I had. I was still shaken up about last night, no doubt. But Aiden had made me feel so welcome, and normal it helped to take my mind off of my problem. I knew he was concerned about me. I turned my face to his, his green eyes were half open, he looked tired. I remembered I had rudely interrupted his sleep. I should have just went home, but I was so happy I didn't. “I'm scared, Aiden.”
“I know you are, sweetheart. I know.” He kissed my cheek. “But I'll help where I can.”
“I know and I don't really des-”
“Don't say you don't deserve it.” he said, cutting me off. “Stop putting yourself down. You deserve to be just as happy as everyone else. I'm going to make sure of it.” The determination in his voice made me feel hopeful. I had someone wonderfully amazing in my corner. We lied there, not speaking, for a long time. Both of us were still sleepy, and I dozed off several times.
Then Aiden threw the covers back. He looked at the clock on the nightstand, it read 11:43.
“Oh shit.” he muttered. “Didn't realize it was so late.” He got up from the bed, stretching. The muscles in his strong back moving seductively.
Aiden had a few tattoos on his arms. A huge multi-coloured dragon on his left bicep, a saying in Latin beneath it, a snake wrapping around his right forearm, and a halo with devils horns on his right bicep. I admire them more in the light of day, last night my mind was elsewhere. He turned around to me after he scooped his shirt up off of the floor. He smiled down at me. “How long have you had those?” I asked.
“The tattoos? A few years now. I've been meaning to get another one, or two.”
“They're beautiful.” I whispered. My fingertips brushed the dragon. He held my hand there as I was about to pull it away.
“You ever think of getting one?”
“Oh yeah, loads of times. I'm just too indecisive to pick what I want.”
“Maybe one day we can get one together.”
“Yeah, maybe.”
He raised and eyebrow at me. “You don't sound so sure.”
“I'm never sure.” I said sadly.
He placed a kiss on my forehead. “I'm gonna make us breakfast.” He said as he put his shirt on. “You like bacon?”
“Yes.”
“Pancakes? Eggs?”
“Double yes.”
“Good.” he left the room. I could hear him moving things around out in the kitchen. I eventually got out of bed and joined him. “Is scrambled okay?” he asked and I nodded. “Do you like cheese?” Another nod. He added some cheese to the eggs. I flipped the pancakes over, while he checked on the bacon.
I found myself smiling without being aware of it. It was nice to do something normal, with someone who actually enjoyed your company. The food was great. We ate on the couch and watched TV. Aiden had gotten my clothes from the dryer some time in the night, or this morning rather. They sat folded in a chair.
“So would you like to talk some more?” he asked as he took my plate from me after finished and carried them off to the sink.
“Not at the moment.” Or I might start falling apart.
“Are you going to talk to your therapist about last night?” he looked back at me as he began cleaning the plates.
I stood up and joined him, taking the fork he had just rinsed off and dried it. It took me a moment to answer. “I'll probably have to, which will freak him out and he'll most likely recommend some new form of treatment. They all though I was getting better.” I had told Aiden about having flushed my pills. He told me not to worry too much about it.
“From what you've told me he seems cool.”
“Yeah, well, he's a doctor, not a friend. Who knows what he'll say.” We let the subject fall and finished cleaning up.
Aiden decided he wanted to come home with me. I wasn't sure if it was because he wanted to spend more time with me, or just keep an eye on me, perhaps both. But we drove over around three, he followed me in his car. Once there, he didn't comment on my new 'colourful' wall that I needed to paint over asap. He walked around the small place, telling me it had potential. I rolled my eyes, decorating wasn't my strong suit. He pulled me over to him as we sat on the couch, my head resting in the crook of his neck. He gently caressed my arm, as we sat quietly. “How many times have you...?” he didn't need to finish the sentence, I knew what he was talking about.
“Should last night be called an attempt?” I shrugged as if answering my own question “I guess two. But it was in the back of my mind after my dad died. I was too scared to do it though.”
“Or you had something to live for.”
I moved my head to get a better look at him, “And what would that be?”
“I dunno, a faint hope maybe. Or your love of music or your sister. Something was keeping you tethered to this world all those years.” I had never seen it that way. He could be right, well I knew he was right.
Later on in the day I called Dr. Johannson's cell, and left a message, I told him it was urgent.
It was another hour before I got a call back. Since it was a Sunday his office wasn't opened, but after he talked briefly with me and I told him I wasn't alone, (which he was pleased about) he told me wanted me to come in first thing in the morning. Aiden wanted to come along with me but I told him it was best if I did this alone. “This is my burden to bare.”
“But you don't have to do it alone.” he whispered to me.
“Yeah, I know that now.” I whispered back.
I suddenly feltl ike crying, from the pain, and heartache or for the sheer fact that Aiden was here, trying to help me, or all of it, I couldn't be sure. But I surely wept, in Aiden's arms as he told me to let it all out. So I did.
I remember falling asleep in Aiden's arms while we sat on the couch, and I vaguely remember him carrying me off to bed. I sleep a dreamless sleep that night. I woke up, puffy eyed, to the sound of my alarm blaring. I reached out and turned it off, almost hitting snooze before I remembered I needed to see Dr. Johannson this morning.
I was pleasantly surprised to see Aiden asleep next to me. I wanted to kiss him, but something inside of me stopped me. Maybe moving slow was a good idea with him, I needed to get myself together before I worried myself with another relationship. But he looked so sweet and beautiful just lying there. So I leaned down and my lips meet the skin of his forehead.
I climbed out of bed and took a shower before getting ready. Aiden was woke by the time I was dressed. He looked at me with sleepy eyes. “Morning.” he murmured softly.
“Morning.”
he got out of bed and slipped his jeans and tee on, he had slept in his boxers. “Are you sure you don't want me to come with you?”
“Positive. I need to do this alone. But thanks for the offer.”
“How are you?”
I shrugged. “I'm still here, so that's something, right?”
“It's more than something, it's brilliant.” I managed a small smile.
We both skipped breakfast and headed out the door. At our cars we hugged. “Call me later, maybe we can hang out, if you want.” he said.
“Sounds... good.”
“We don't have to if-”
“No, it's fine. I need it. It'll be good.”
He didn't looked convinced but nodded all the same. “Okay. Call me.”
“I will.”
We both got in our cars and drove off in opposite directions.

Meeting with Dr. Johannson and telling him about my latest downfall was the scariest and most embarrassing thing I had to do. He wasn't scolding or judgmental, he just listened carefully as I told him about the other night. I told him about Aiden helping me, and how the thought of my father, among other things, helped me come to my senses.
“And how do you feel right now?”
“I don't know.” And that was the honest to god truth.
“You should have told me about your fathers death. It triggered a sense of guilt in you and you've been living with it for nearly a decade. You let your feelings burrow inside, take root, and they manifested themselves in a negative, deconstructive manner.” his lips pressed in a thin line, “The ball is in your court. You have to make the choice to help yourself. I really want to help you, you're a wonderful person, but you have to be honest, not only with me but with yourself.
“What happened on Saturday was in it's own ironic way, the breakthrough you needed. The fact that you were able to hold on to your pain and use it to guide you out of the darkness, means you're growing, even in the smallest of ways.”
“You really think so?” I asked, furrowing my brow.
“Yes, I do. You couldn't have told me any of this about your father in the beginning, you wouldn't have gone to Aiden, or anyone for help two months ago. Would you? That's progress.” He had a point there.
“I'm going to make sure you get back on your meds, and I think two sessions a week form now on will help. I also think that you need to have a real heart to heart with the people in your life, particularly your mother.” I resisted the urge to groan, but I rolled my eyes without a thought. “I mean it Dylan. Tell them how you feel. Bottling up your true feelings haven't done you any good, only harm.”
“Now when you say everyone, does that include Chris?”
“That's up to you.” he smiled, “I know you must be on your way. If there is anything you need don't hesitate to call. I'm here.”
“Thanks doc.” He told me he was going to set up appointment for Mondays now as well. That was fine, anything to get pass the guilt and grief in my heart, my mind, my soul.

Aiden and I were supposed to be watching 'Some Like It Hot' but we wound up talking on my couch. I was still feeling down, still a bit confused and scared but I wasn't on the verge of breaking down anymore and that was saying a lot. He asked about my talk with the doc, and he agreed with what he had to say. He thought it was a good start, and that maybe if I opened up, the pain would ease, a little at a time. “You ever think about going back to school?”
“Used to.”
“You should. A music school. You're so talented, and you love it so much it would suit you.”
“Maybe.” I said quietly. I didn't take compliments too well. But he had a point. Going back to school would be a good idea. And I was going to go for music before, but some big git named Chris changed my plans. “Are you still doing your show?” I asked just to get off of the subject of me.
“Yes, it's in two weeks.”
“Shouldn't you be preparing it or something?”
He chuckled, “All the pieces are done, a few finishing touches, but my work is pretty much complete. Are you going to come?”
“Yes, if you'll have me.” I really wanted to see more of his work, he was truly amazing.
“Of course.” he smiled. “You're my guest of honour.”
“Really?”
“Yes. Is that so hard to believe?”
“Uh, yeah.”
“Seriously Dylan. You should think about the school thing. I know you'd be brilliant at it.” And we were back to that now.
“I'll look into it. I just need to get some other things sorted out first you know.”
“Yeah, I know. But you have to fly away at some point. Despite how scary it is.” Was it that obvious that the unknown scared me?
I frowned. “Come again?”
“You know spread your wings, see the world. It's okay, I used to have a fear of flying too.”
“Really? And what make you think I can ever fly away?” I felt like I was going to be stuck here, in this town and this state of mind, forever.
“Pardon my cheesy metaphor, but you're a caterpillar in a cocoon, waiting to emerge as a butterfly.”
I smiled, that was cheesy. “So is that the way I'm going to grow my wings?”
“No you've always had wings, you just haven't learned how to use them yet.”