Falling

I realized it when I looked at him as he drank coffee from his favourite mug. It just hit me like a ton of bricks. But I couldn't admit it to myself, because I kept thinking it was way too soon to feel such things. And I was still a married woman after all. And the idea, quite frankly, scared me to death.
His lips withdrew from the ceramic and pressed together nicely. He has nice lips, I thought for the hundredth time, although I've never told him so. Should I tell him? No. It didn't matter. Or did it?
“What are you thinking about?” Aiden asked me, pulling me out of my own mind.
We were at his place, and it had been two week since the show. I had slept over last night, and now we were having a small breakfast. Things were still moving a bit slow for us, or at least I thought the were until that silly thought popped into my head a minute ago. Or was it a silly feeling?
“What?” I asked stupidly.
“You're face show everything, you know. When you're thinking hard about something you get this little line between your eyebrows.” he set his mug down and chuckled. “So cute.” I subconsciously rubbed my forehead. “So what's playing out in that pretty head of yours?”
“Nothing.” I said a little too fast and stood up from the table and without saying a word I went to the bathroom.
Aiden followed me and a minute later knocked on the door. “What's wrong Dill?”
“Nothing.” I said as I sat on the floor. My voice sounded weird. Oh great he probably thinks I'm having another breakdown or something. “I'm fine. I swear.”
“You don't sound fine. Whatever it is, you can tell me.”
I stood up and opened the door. “See I'm fine. Just a little headache.”
He snorted and said, “You're a crappy liar.” then kissed my cheek, making my stomach flutter. “You don't have to tell me if you don't want to.”
“There's nothing to tell. Honestly.”
“Uh-huh.” he touched my arm before turning around to head back down the hall. “Don't forget to write it in your journal, alright.”

I had to meet with my lawyer at the end of May. The divorce was moving forward better than I could have imagined. Mack told me that it could be possible that by the end of summer it would be final, if things kept going at this pace that is. “Just keep your distance, no contact with him at all.”
“I can do that. I have no interest in talking to Chris unless it's necessary.”
“Good. I'm going to set up a meeting next week so we can get the assets divided,” he held up a hand to me, “I know you said you want nothing from him, but it's just one of the proceedings. And there is some paperwork to be signed as well.”
I nodded my head, “Alright. And how much more paperwork had to be sign before this thing is over and done with?”
He gave me a tight smile. “You know divorces aren't as simple as that. But as I said, a few more months should do it. Just hang tight.”

“So you might be heading back to school.” Dr. Johannson said to me that Monday at the first of our two sessions this week. I had been doing well lately, had other things to distract me from my pain, and the writing helps. Plus Aiden and Maddie too. “Congratulations.”
“Thanks but I haven't decided just yet.”
“I think it will be great for you. Especially after the divorce. You'll be starting a new life.”
“Yeah.” I said in a low voice.
“Does that scare you? A new life?”
“No. Maybe.” I said because he told me I need to be honest with myself more. “I'm already on a new path, away from my old life, my old self.”
“And how does that feel?”
“Oddly liberating.” I found myself smiling
“How are things with you male friend, Aiden?” I suddenly felt vulnerable. Could I tell Dr. Johannson about my revelation?
I paused before I said, “Fine.”
“Just fine?”
“We haven't decide what we want to be just yet. Friends, more than friends. I think he wants me to try being single for a while.” I laughed. “But he still kisses me, which contradicts what he said.”
“Do you like him kissing you.”
“Yeah.” I murmured.
“Do you have deeper feelings for him.”
Before I could stop myself I blurted out, “I think I might love-” I stopped and threw my hands over my mouth. Oh shit.
Doc gave me a small smile and asked, “Does that frighten you? Those feelings?”
“More than the world.”
“Does he know?”
“God no. I don't want him to.”
“Because?”
“It's too soon. And we just friends. We haven't even had sex yet.” Why did I say yet?
“I think you should tell him how you feel.”
“And scare him away? No thanks.”
“What makes you think that would scare him off? He already knows more about your life than your husband did. He's seen you at your lowest and stood by you. Why would he turn away now?”
He had a point, but it was still scary. “Because love changes everything.” I answered.

By the end of the week I had come to the conclusion that I wanted to be more with Aiden. I was in love, I knew it, but it didn't mean that I was going to utter those three little word in his presence. And I wasn't sure what he felt for me just yet, so best not to ruin it by saying something stupid like that.
We went out to dinner on Saturday night, and things seemed like normal. We went back to my place, curled up on the couch and watched a Clive Owen movie. Since it was late he stayed over. Nothing new, our sleepovers were a common thing now.
But that night as we drifted off to sleep he whispered something into my ear when he thought I had fallen asleep, “I love you.”