My Heart Beats for the Monster in Disguise

There is time for meditation just before the trails begin but unfortunately we’re all crowded in the locker room waiting. Master said they would call us in one by one and then you either get chosen to stay or have your dreams crushed as you leave. I think Master Tengu might save me for last since he has given me the most one on one attention. I ate dinner with him twice and I stay after and clean floors while he contemplates. What is so disturbing about his life? He never does anything.

I wonder why, as Xiao and Misao, he has shown such interest in me. Maybe there is a natural attraction he can’t hide. But I can’t be thinking about that. Oh but when he touched my hand yesterday-no! Why can’t I stop thinking about him?

“Hey, Xiao, if you don’t make it, you gonna join another doujo?” a boy asked me.

“You know of one?”

“A few; nothing like this place though. The master isn’t as hard as Master Tengu, that’s for
sure.”

I like Master Tengu. He has made me stronger. But I know I can’t go up against him if that
is the test. I tried my best to stay focus as more and more people left. From the sound of it,
no one is doing well.

“Xiao Hanabi.”

I was called. I stood up and stepped to the door. It was my first time seeing what was out
there. There was a panel of four older men and Master Ross. But I don’t see Master Tengu.

“You are quite a young…boy,” one man said.

I am not sure if I am allowed to speak.

“You recommend he go through with it?” he directed at Master Ross.

“He doesn’t have my recommendation,” Master Tengu stepped in.

He was sitting behind Master Ross.

“That’s not fair,” I said to him. “I have done everything you asked of me and you won’t let me
try.”

“Quiet!” he yelled back. “This is why you’re not ready. You’re too damn insolent.”

“Cause you’re unfair.”

“You think life is fair?”

“A student teacher quarrel,” an elder commented.

He stood up and I went on guard. He is angrier than usual. He didn’t keep cool with me at
all this time.

“Fine, beat me and you pass. No! Touch me just once and you pass.”

I did it before, I can do it again. He took off his shirt and stood before me. I was both
intimidated and flustered.

“I will shut you up for good.”

I didn’t have the courage to trash talk him. I think he aimed to kill me this time. Without a
start bell he started throwing punches at me. This is unlike the guy that was at the
barbecue this weekend. I just need to hit him once. I switched my stance like before but he
was rigorous this time, he was relentless. I was overwhelmed with all his power.

One punch landed and they kept coming. On my ribs and at my back. I thought it was over
but he kneeled down and strung me up by my collar.

“I didn’t touch your pretty face,” he said in a low voice.

The others might not be able to hear.

“You’re through playing this man’s game.”

This is my chance. I stared in his intense brown eyes to distract him. My eyes said “sorry”
while my fist touched him on the forehead softly.

“By your rules, I think I just won this man’s game.”

“He did it. Oh you were too easy on him, Li.”

“Opt out now,” he said to me. “This is not where you belong.”

“Only if you continue training me,” I offered.

He didn’t look like he would take my offer. The elders got up and started coming towards
me to greet me.

“Looks like we might be working together, Master-”

“Opt out on their offer and I will train you for one more week.”

“Make it two and it’s a deal.”

Something good came out of all this but I am sure he will be even harder on me. Two
weeks will probably be all I can handle. He dropped me and I laid there proud of myself. I
keep defeating him, at least by fixed rules.

“Standing up to Li is no small ordeal. Good job young man.”

One of the elder’s hands reached down to me. I took it and sat up against the wall.

“We would love to develop you in our organization.”

So he wants me to opt out. I looked at him and he glanced at me out the corner of his eyes
hoping I would go ahead with the deal.

“We were beginning to think Li was a failure if no good came out of this.”

“Master Tengu is a great teacher. If no one passed your evaluations it has nothing to do with his training. I can’t accept your offer of more tutelage. It’s not for me but I am very
happy to have to opportunity to develop here,” I told them.

“It would be a lot you’d be getting into so, I will respect you decision.”

Master Tengu left the room. These elders seem to be the big guys in whatever organization

they represent.

“And we won’t blame Li because of your request.”

I rested against the wall for a while and everyone left. Regardless of being pummeled, I still
have to clean up in here. I crawled towards the back and opened the door. Master Tengu
was sitting on the back porch like always, contemplating.

“They won’t fault you for no one passing,” I told him.

I crawled to the utility closet and grabbed the rag. I doubt I can stand so floor work is all I
can do.

“Why are you still here?” he asked me.

“Doing my chores like I always do.”

“You don’t belong to this doujo anymore. Go home.”

I am happy to get out of it. I crawled over to him. We still have to make arrangements for my
lessons. He hadn’t put his shirt on yet. It was chilly at this hour, I could tell by looking at him.

“So, when will we be meeting again?”

“We won’t be.”

“But we had a deal.”

“You already opted out. I don’t plan on fulfilling any deal.”

How did I not see this as a possibility? Now that the elders are gone he won’t have to fulfill
his word.

“But why not….I assumed you liked teaching me.”

“I don’t.”

“That’s a lie!”

“Get out.”

“No!”

He reached back and grabbed my collar with out looking at me.

“You’re done playing this man’s game.”

“Master Tengu, I wanna learn from you.”

“I am done teaching.”

He released me. If I stay here any longer he might find out I’m Misao. I am tempted to ask
for a ride home but I don’t need the suspicion. I crawled away and he grabbed my ankle.

“Can’t you walk?”

“I’m a bit bruised.”

He forgets that he hammered at my ribs. I don’t think anything is broken, just throbbing. He
released me and I scurried away. There will be a bus coming in a little while that will take
me straight home. I dragged my backpack behind me. I came here right after school so my
school uniform is in there. With no more doujo or martial arts practice, I won’t have any
reason to be late coming home.

There was a car in the driveway. Mom might have a visitor but that’s not like her cause I
know she hasn’t made any friends in this town yet. I don’t wanna put any attention on
myself. The only other way in is through Nozomi’s porch. I went around the back of the
house and opened the gate. I think he always keeps it open cause he doesn’t wanna
disturb anyone coming in at night. I slid the door and pulled my bag inside. His room was
dark but I was familiar enough with it.

I could hear talking outside the door. I cracked it and saw the light in the eating room was on. It’s not mom with a visitor, Fuu Jin is home. I can’t risk going out there so I will just stay here. Nozomi won’t be here for a while and I will be back in my room by then.
As I lay on his bed it was hard to stay awake. I changed out of my training clothes and put my uniform on. When I do sneak out of here, I need no questions. But there was no sneaking out, just sleeping to make the throbbing pain go away.

When I woke up all I saw was him sitting above me.

“Nozomi.”

“Why’re you here?”

I sat up. At least he didn’t catch me in my training clothes. I will have to turn those in later
on.

“I just wanted to be the first one to tell you good morning.”

“Its 3 a.m.”

“It’s still morning.”

He isn’t buying it.

“Okay, I came in late and Fuu Jin was at the table and I didn’t wanna get any attention.”

“My dad is here?”

“Yeah, he was talking to some man.”

He went straight for the door and cracked it. That old man can’t still be out there talking at 3
a.m. He was still cautious as if he was.

“He’s not out there. What time did you get home?”

“About 9.”

I don’t get why he would come home just to have a secret late night meeting. I bet he wants
me out of here. But when I rose from the bed he signaled me to sit back down. He closed

the door and sat on the bed.

“So am I able to leave?”

“Just go back to sleep.”

I love that idea. I moved back into the corner and rested my head. I still got to get up and go
to school in a few hours but I am glad a lot of my soreness has gone away.

“Why were you coming in late?” he asked me.

“You’re not supposed to ask me that, remember.”

“Is it a guy?”

That would be the simplest answer. Actually I am pretending to be a guy and I have a crush
on a guy that happens to be my martial arts teacher. But if it will keep him from asking
questions and using my lateness against me, I should tell him something.

“Yes, it’s a guy,” I told him.

“And he hits you?”

“Well, sometimes. He’s just trying to keep me in order, like show more respect for him and
stuff.”

He lowered his head. Oh I see, it makes sense to me in a doujo setting but to him, he
believes I am in an abusive relationship. He would be even more furious if I told him it was
Master Tengu but I don’t wanna blow my cover just yet. I got one more chance to get him to
take me on for two more weeks.

“Who is he?”

“I won’t tell you.”

“Is he from school?”

“I won’t tell you. Just leave it alone, okay.”

“So you’re breaking up with him.”

“Why do you care, Nozomi?”

I am not leaving Master Tengu alone just yet. I rolled over and faced the wall. It’s nice that
he cares. He is acting like a real brother now. I am enjoying his concern over me.

“I care,” he admitted. “You’re…..a part of my family now.”

That was the first time I heard him say it. I sat up and sitting with his head down.

“You’re supposed to be my sister and I am supposed to be your brother. This is one of the
times when I will act like it.”

“Tomorrow will be the last day, okay.”

I hugged him from behind. Something good came out of all this pain. Nozomi admitted that
I am part of his family. He let me hug him for a while. It felt nice.

“Who is he?”

“Just a guy I have grown to like. Kinda like you.”

I let him go and lay back against the wall. Regardless of this touching moment, I need to get some sleep.

“Where are you gonna sleep?”

“Floor.”

“Goodnight.”

In the morning Nozomi was on the floor near his porch. I didn’t know if he was asleep or not
but it was time for me to get going. I cracked his door and ran over to the bathroom. Now I am in the clear. But I am not sure what to say to Fuu Jin if I bump into him.

He goes out of town a lot and any time he does spend here isn’t with me. I heard Nozomi only stays here because Fuu Jin didn’t want my mom and me all alone here. That’s another gesture of us being a family; I just never caught on to it.

At school it was a normal day but afterwards I carried my training clothes back to the doujo. I was dressed as a girl cause I figured I could leave them on the front steps and keep on walking. I dropped them off without a problem; the place was empty.

I will miss coming to this place. Without this place, I have no leads on how to find Master Tengu….except for Nozomi. His restaurant isn’t far from here. He should just be starting his shift. I walked over and the lead paid off. Master Tengu’s car is right outside. I got no where to change clothes and he might be leaving any minute.

I can see him paying his check now. I can’t pass this opportunity. I waited by his car and pretended to primp myself in the shiny windows. I don’t even know what to say to him.

“Misao.”

He recognized me. I turned around and acted surprised. He was in his suit, obviously having an early dinner with….a girl. Why did I not see her? Maybe I didn’t want to see her. She is pretty too.

“Um, hi. Was this your car? Um…hi.”

Now isn’t the time to be stumbling. She moved out of the way seeing that I was a nuisance
and got in the car. I feel so stupid now. I nervously played with my hair. The only thing
keeping him here is me standing in front of his door.

“You just got off school?” he asked me.

“Yes, I was going in to see Nozomi. I hoped he could give me something to eat.”

I am babbling. I need to come up with some solid conversation or this opportunity is ruined.

“I wish I came earlier. I would have enjoyed seeing you. I know you gotta get going now.”

“I was gonna drop her off. Maybe I can swing back around here and we can hang out,” he
said.

“Seriously? I thought you said we couldn’t-”

“You made me smile again. It’s the first smile I had since leaving you. Maybe I can take you
out for dessert.”

“Oh awesome. Thank you.”

Okay, I need to bring the enthusiasm down so he won’t think I am a crazy school girl. His
smile was pretty and almost unnatural.

“Um….is that your girlfriend?”

“No, my wife.”

I’m crushed. All this time he had a wife. I feel sick. I am sure my face reflected it. How can
a man with a wife be so cruel to me and so sweet to me? I moved aside wanting to get
away from him and he bent down towards my ear.

“I am kidding of course. I just wanted to see the look on your face. I will be back for you soon.”

I get the feeling that he knows I like him. I watched him get in the car and drive away with
her. It may not be his wife but he is obviously dating her. Someone more his age I’m sure.
I never tried it before but I wonder if Nozomi could get me something to eat at a discount. I never visited him at work either.

Inside I went to the counter and signaled the waitress to come.

“I am looking for my brother, Nozomi Odagiri. He is a chef here.”

“Nozomi is your brother?”

“Yes.”

“He doesn’t seem like the type to have any family. He just got in but his shift hasn’t started.”

“Can I see him?”

“Um, sure. In the break room.”

I moved through the kitchen and pass the lockers that were there. I walked pass the back
door and caught a glance of him.

“Nozomi,” I said as I opened the door.

He is with a lady. What’s with all the unexpected ladies tonight? I bet he is dating her. They
were standing close like they were just sharing an intimate whisper.

“Um, hi. I just wanted to say hi.”

I went back inside but he was quickly behind me.

“Is everything okay?” he asked.

Today was the day I was supposed to break up with my abusive boyfriend, or so he thinks. I
waited to gather a story then turned around.

“I….um…everything is fine. I was just hungry.”

“You haven’t been home yet?”

“No, um….I am sorry, I shouldn’t have-”

“No, it’s alright. Just wait in the break room and I will bring you something.”

He was okay with it. He pities me so that’s why he is being so nice. I can’t ask him who
that woman is. She may just be a waitress but he is involved with her somehow. It bothers
me to see him with a girl; I have never seen him express any affection before.

I waited in the room and he brought a plate out to me. Instead of leaving like I thought, he
sat across from me. The girl didn’t follow him in.

“You are breaking it off with him tonight?”

“Maybe.”

“What do you mean “maybe”? You wanna keep-”

“Stop it, please. One day I might explain all this to you but it’s too complicated now.”

“What is so complicated about it?”

“I need him at the moment. And the beatings will stop-”

“Misao!”

It would be easier to tell him the truth at this point. He seems so worried now. I kept eating wondering what to do. Should I tell him about me and Master Tengu? He is quiet enough, he might keep a secret.

“Trust me that I am okay,” I told him.

“You’re not old enough to experience any of this.”

“Trust that I am okay, Nozomi.”

He didn’t seem happy with it at all.

“I am responsible for you, you know.”

“So you think Fuu Jin will yell at you if something happens to me?”

“No, that’s not it….if something were to happen to you, I would be pissed at myself.”

“Sorry if I don’t buy your sincerity. Nothing is gonna happen. I don’t need some fake brother
to stand up for me; I can stand up for myself.”

“Then why haven’t you.”

“I am learning.”

“Learning to get your ass beat.”

“Stop! You don’t know the real truth and I don’t wanna talk about it with you.”

“You have to tell me.”

I stood up. If he is gonna hound me then this meal isn’t worth it. He grabbed my hand to
stop me.

“Misao.”

“Let go,” I warned.

“I do care. Can’t you see that?”

“No.”

My hand lashed at him automatically and I punched him. He released me to hold his
cheek. I didn’t mean to hit him, especially not a punch. I held my hands over my mouth in
surprise. I used my power against him, the power the masters put in me.

“I am sorry,” I said.

“That was no coincidence in your form. You practice martial arts.”

“No, I don’t,” I denied.

“Have you been sparing at night?”

“No….I haven’t.”

Found out already. But it’s better than him worrying about me being abused. I still can’t admit anything to him. Master Tengu could easily find out.

“I am sorry I hit you. I gotta go now.”

He can’t follow me if he has work to do. I grabbed the sandwich off the plate and hurried back outside so Master Tengu could see me. Nozomi didn’t follow. If he tells Master Tengu about me knowing martial arts he might put it all together and be furious with me.

I finished the sandwich outside while I was waiting for him. I want to come clean about all of this but I think I am too far in it all. I didn’t mean to hit Nozomi but he kept his hold on me and I panicked. I waited against the wall but Master Tengu still didn’t show up.
I spotted him later but pretended not to see him. I just sat cutely playing with my hair. When he stood next to me I finally looked up.

“You still want to hang out with me?”

“Yeah, what kind of dessert can I get?”

“I have something in mind.”

I got up and followed him to his car. He was nice enough to take my school bag. I feel
privileged that he came back but seeing him with that woman worries me. If she wasn’t a
wife then she might be a girlfriend. But if that is the case, he just sees us as friends….and
that is understandable. I guess I just imagined it would be more.

“What time do you have to be home?”

“Whenever. My mom is used to me being late.”

“Speaking of which, shouldn’t you be in that charm school of yours.”

I forgot all about that but it’s an easy cover.

“I took the night off. I have been exhausted.”

“Then I will have to make sure we have some fun. You like milkshakes?”

“Oh yeah, I love them.”

“I was hoping you did. I know a diner you’ll like. It’s a bit sketchy so you will have to stay
close.”

“Sketchy?” I questioned.

“In that outfit, you’ll catch a lot of trucker’s eyes.”

So it’s a truck stop then. It’s good to stay away from those places. But what did he mean by
this outfit. It’s my school uniform. I pulled down my skirt just in case I was inappropriate.

“That won’t help. You’re just too cute.”

“You think so?”

“Don’t drag it out of me. You know I like you.”

“But you have a girlfriend.”

“She is just a woman. Unlike you, I don’t have a lot of choices. I was ordered to go out with
her.”

“Ordered?”

“Yes, ordered.”

“What is it that you do?”

“Like I told you before, I work for my father.”

He admitted that he liked me. It seems there is a choice to make. I can continue training
with him as Xiao or pursue another relationship as Misao. I stayed quiet until we reached the diner. His charm can’t stop me; I wanna be a fighter. Or maybe I am just scared to have a relationship with a guy like him.

He opened the door for me and I lowered myself out his truck. This place is sketchy. Even if the milkshakes are good, why bother with the atmosphere. I am sure I can beat up any of these guys but in front of him I can’t.

“Are you sure it’s safe for me?” I asked behind him.

“Stay close and there won’t be a problem.”

I said that just for appearances. Inside he escorted me in the booth first then sat beside me instead of across from me. I felt secure but insecure at having him this close.

“I really thought we couldn’t see each other again. That’s what you told me,” I said to him.

“I couldn’t help myself.”

He must really like me then. I like him too but it’s more complicated for me. I wondered what we should talk about. We obviously like each other but we haven’t talked much.

“How is school for you? Are you close to graduating? You’re family seems concerned about your future.”

“Things are just normal there.”

“No exciting people?”

“No, no exciting people.”

“No boyfriends?”

That’s very direct.

“No, no boyfriends.”

“Nozomi told me there has been a guy giving you trouble lately. I guess he isn’t from school
then.”

“He told you?”

“The thought of someone hurting you makes me angry. No woman deserves to be beaten.”

“It’s nothing to be concerned with. But why would he tell you?”

“He is pretty busy at the restaurant so he told me to look into it cause of my connections.”

This has gotten out of hand. His search will only bring him back to himself. If I never met
Master Tengu I would have gotten away with all this.

“How has your work been? Been dating a lot of ladies I take it,” I changed the subject.

“Working at the doujo was what I most enjoyed and now that’s over.”

He enjoyed it? He seemed so miserable and hard on everyone there.

“I’ve been thinking about training on my down time.”

“Sounds wonderful.”

“But the student would be a real pain.”

“How so?”

I know he is talking about me. He paused to make an order with the waitress. He got me a
vanilla milkshake and he got coffee.

“He is a girly-boy but the best in the class. No matter what I throw at him, he refuses to quit,
and I hate that.”

“Girly-boy? That doesn’t sound nice.”

“He is small and pretty looking, like a girl.”

I better stay off the subject before he says that guy looks a lot like me. Just the subject
seems to bring frustration to his face. But I should come out and tell him-no!

“But besides the doujo, I have had to entertain a few ladies to get information
out of them or kill a few people cause they know too much information. It goes with being a
dog of my father’s organization.”

Did he just say “kill”? It’s best to pretend like I didn’t hear it. It would be easier to distract myself if the milkshake would come.

“You don’t care about all that, right?”

“Care about what?”

“Dating a killer.”

“Dating?”

“I thought you’d be more surprised about the word “killer” but yes, dating.”

“Um….”

“I am only joking, Misao. I am no killer and I have no interest in dating you. Lighten up. But
that’s basically what you’re doing in seeing that abusive boyfriend of yours. You’re dating a
killer. You didn’t seem okay with it now, so why be with this guy.”

No interest? That’s upsetting. I know he wasn’t lying though. I have seen him fight and I know he still holds back on me. He is a killer. He told me about the organization and he doesn’t want me to be a part of it.

“I don’t have an abusive boyfriend.”

He got on his phone like I always see him doing.

“Seems I have another date to go on later,” he said. “I will drive you home after this.”

“I was hoping to spend more time with you.”

He looked over at me gauging my sincerity. I was sincere. I would like to know him better
as boy and girl. This Xiao stuff is just getting in the way of it.

“I will cancel then. Care to go back to my place?”

“You’re reading that the wrong way!”

“I don’t have ill intentions. Trust me.”

Seeing his place is good. But it’s not like Xiao Hanabi can just show up there asking for
lessons. The order came and I nervously sipped my milkshake. He kept looking at me and
smiling. A trucker would be less creepy.

“Maybe you should just drive me home after this.”

“You already said you wanted to spend more time with me. I’m flattered. I wanna give you
all my attention.”

He touched my leg and I continued sipping. Okay, I need to get out of this. His hand moved
up my thigh and I pushed it away.

“Stop it,” I told him.

He chuckled and leaned back in his seat. I gotta say something. I have so much guilt.

“You’re fun to play with. I am enjoying this.”

I feel like he is the one playing games with me; I’m supposed to have the upper hand here.
What exactly will we do at his place? He is an adult and I am two teenage people; his
student and his….friend’s sister. We talked about random things like his favorite drinks and
food. I felt nervous telling him what I liked. The more he opened up to me, the more
nervous I felt around him. He wasn’t like the Master Tengu I knew. He was nice. He had a charming laugh and smile. And I am sure I look like a nervous idiot to him now.

He is older than me too. Why is he interested? It’s like he is two separate people, same as me.

“Since you’re done with your milkshake, shall we get going?”

“Sure.”

I can probably stay an hour with him before I have to get home. Really there is no excuse for me to be late anymore. I’ve just gotten use to it. He took me under his arm as we walked out.

“What made you come to this place?” I asked him.

“I like the atmosphere. No judgment.”

Judgment, huh. Probably he hides from a lot of things. That hardly seems so the way he is
always on his cell phone. When he smiles I can’t tell if it’s me that is amusing or his
phone. He opened the door for me and then we were off. I paid close attention to his route so I could pick up on where he lived. It’s so dark so it’s no use. I am not familiar with his side of town. He must live in the city and not the suburbs outside.

“If you ever need me, you can come to my place, ok?”

“I can?”

“Yeah, it’s near a train station.”

“No, um…..I can just come by and see you?”

“I am not there much but there is a nice lobby to wait in. I will make sure the doorman is
familiar with you.”

“Doorman?”

He must live in one of those nice high rise buildings.

“And if it’s a real emergency, you can wait in there for me. I will make sure he lets you in.”

“You trust your doorman like that?”

“Yeah, he is one of the few.”

“Well, thanks for the offer.”

Maybe he still thinks that abusive boyfriend exists. None of this info will help me get more training. We entered the city with bright lights and festivities. It must be so nice to live here.

“If you live here, why do you hang around my crappy city?” I asked him.

“That is where I grew up. My mom’s house is in the neighborhood and my pa continues the
business he started there. I can afford to live here but I still like it back there.”

“Your mom lives in our neighborhood?”

“Yeah, sorry you can’t meet her. She likes to be by herself. She always wanted a big
house.”

So his family is rich then. Nozomi doesn’t come from money; I wonder how they remained
friends.

“I didn’t want this life. I admire Nozomi’s life so much. We grew up the same. Went to the
same school and spared in the same doujo. But at eighteen, my father introduced me to this life and didn’t allow me to leave it. I watched Nozomi make his own decisions while I couldn’t make any. He went to his culinary school and I didn’t get to go to college at all.”

“Did you want to?”

“I did. I wanted to be a police officer or join the army but I was forced to do the family
business: the complete opposite of justice.”

“What is it that you do, Mr. Tengu?”

“I would never tell you. I rather you stay innocent, little Misao.”

He opened up to me. I guess he isn’t the one playing games. So at the doujo he likes
teaching but he hates his overseers.

“Well, we are here,” he said.

It’s just like I guessed. It is one of those places. When we stepped out, a man immediately
came to park his car. From what he told me, I can’t hate him anymore. He does what he
does cause he has to. And as cruel as it was, he was just making sure Xiao Hanabi didn’t
end up in the same trap as him. I still want his training. He knows about getting stronger.