For My Boyfriend's Eyes Only
013.
When I woke up the next morning, it was almost as if a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders, or that grey cloud over my head had drifted away and left me feeling lighter on the inside.
Maybe it was because I was going home. Maybe it was because I would never have to see that middle-aged harpie woman again. Maybe it was because of what I'd read in Gerard's diary.
Maybe that's why I felt so happy again.
After I'd finished changing back into my own clothes that Mikey had kindly brought with him on his visit, Justine knocked on the door.
"Frank? Can I come in?" her cheery voice asked.
"Yeah, sure." I replied, stuffing the rest of my belongings back into my backpack.
Justine stood holding the door open, a smile on her face. She looked just how I felt, it seemed like now she'd announced her engagement to me she was glowing and couldn't stop smiling. And that was having an effect on me.
"You all set to go?"
"I think so."
"Well, remember I've still got to take you to see the hospital psychiatrist."
My heart sank a few millimeters. "Oh...right."
Justine noticed my sudden change in mood. "Don't worry Frank, he's nothing like that Rowland woman," she made a disapproving sound with her tongue. "Whoever said that woman was fit to provide help for people is seriously deluded. She's only caused more problems for you."
"Yeah...she has...." I said blankly not really concentrating on what she'd just said.
Only one word stuck out in my mind. He. Meaning a man, meaning I'd have to tell him I was gay.
I gulped.
"Frank? What's the matter?" Justine's concerned voice asked in my ear.
"Y-you said...'he', meaning...the psychiatrist's a man?"
"Yup, why? Is that a problem?"
"N-no I just...I don't know if I'd be comfortable telling him half the things I need to."
Justine made a small 'o' shape with her mouth, "Hmm...that might be a problem then...What exactly don't you want to tell him?"
"That I'm gay."
"Okaay...I really don't think he'll mind. He's very professional, more than that hag that was seeing you."
I laughed a little.
"You'll be okay Frank, I promise."
'I promise'...that hit a nerve.
I'll be back soon, I promise. Love you Frankie...
The last words I heard him say before he went out and never came back. In more ways than one.
---
As it turns out, when I went in to see the hospital psychiatrist, it wasn't that bad. Justine was right when she said he was professional, but he was also gorgeous, so that didn't too much to calm my already jangled nerves.
Justine walked me into his office and handed him my file while talking normally, relaxed, like I should be. But I couldn't.
I sat down in the chair by the window as far away from him as I possibly could get and started counting the spots on the floor. I guessed it would be easier to concentrate on them than looking at him, but I was wrong.
Every time I got up to ten, I snook a quick peek at him, then forgot where I was and started over.
Eventually, after what felt like hours, Justine directed the conversation towards me and I had to look up, I had to look at him.
His hair was the first thing I noticed, it was dark brown with large blond sections in the fringe and the shorter parts that stuck up slightly around the crown of his head. Each half of his fringe framed his face, drawing my attention to his slightly pale complexion.
He was dressed in a simple black shirt, that was open at the neck and I could just about see his collarbone sticking out from his skin. I wondered if he was naturally that thin, or if he had a problem like me.
No, probably naturally, he's a psychiatrist for god's sake. Either way, he still looked amazing...
But his eyes, oh his eyes were amazing. They were a beautiful pale blue that stood out in striking contast against the black lines around them.
I guess I really should stop staring...
"Frank? Are you okay?"
Justine's voice brought me back down to earth all too suddenly.
"Huh? Yeah, I'm fine."
"Good, so, um this is Dr Radtke. He's going to be giving you a final assessment, just to see if we'll need to keep an eye on you." she smiled. "He won't keep you long, I'm sure." Justine said casting a quick glance at him.
"Oh, okay." I croaked.
"Good...great! I'll go then and leave you to it."
Why did that last sentence she said make me think of sex? Oh god no! That sounds terrible! It sounds like I want to screw my psychiatrist! I could feel myself getting a deeper shade of red as each second passed.
I felt like running out of the room after Justine and going home to hide under my bed and not ever coming out again.
Dr Radtke sat down at his desk and quickly flicked through the file that belonged to me. Weirdly, he didn't start asking me all the weird questions that Rowland used to ask me.
"So, how are you today?" he asked, his accent different to mine.
"Um, fine."
"Great...Justine says you're doing better since Dr Rowland was told to stop seeing you. I take it you didn't like her that much, huh?"
"Yeah, she...she annoyed me I guess. She didn't really listen." I said, avoiding eye contact with him.
"Oh, I see. Well, I'm a very good listener so why don't you tell me a bit about yourself?"
"What is there to tell?"
"I don't know, that's up to you. Maybe you have a girlfriend you could tell me about, if you live together, your friends, if you've had any low points this year, your high points...Y'know, general stuff about yourself."
I started to feel slightly relaxed, he was talking to me like a friend, not like a fuck-up who's parents were paying a ridiculous amount of money for me to see every three weeks. Which clearly, three week intervals weren't good enough.
"Well, um, I live in Jersey and I uh...I've got my own place...it's okay, my parents help out with the rent and stuff."
"Do you get along with your parents?"
"Yeah fine, well, obviously I argue with them."
"That's true, I know I do more often than not."
I laughed nervously but carried on regardless. "I have friends that come visit sometimes, it makes a change from living on my own."
"Is there a particular reason for that?"
I gulped. "N-no, not really."
"You sure? I mean, you don't have to tell me, but if it helps..."
I chewed my bottom lip nervously, running my teeth over the metal lip ring that I'd put back in earlier today.
"Um...well, I used to live with someone."
"What happened?"
My skin started to feel hot and itchy, I knew I was just nervous and nothing bad was going to happen. I could tell now that this was a sign that I could be having a panic attack, which I didn't want to happen now.
"Uh, I...they died in a car accident."
Dr Radtke shook his head lightly. "That's awful, I'm so sorry...were you close, you and this person?"
"Yeah...we were, uh..." I didn't want to say it.
"What? Was it a girlfriend?"
I continued biting my lip and slowly shook my head, resiting the urge to jump out of the window.
"Boyfriend?"
I nodded.
"Okay, how long had you been with him?"
"Wh-what?"
"Is there a problem Frank?"
"N-no, just..."
He smiled slightly. "You were probably thinking I would freak out or something. You want my honest opinion? I'm fine with it. I know a couple of gay people so it doesn't bother me."
I felt a wave of relief wash over me and I relaxed more in the chair.
"So, you were telling me about your boyfriend..."
---
Mikey was waiting for me in the the reception area with Bob. They were sat on those annoyingly uncomfortable plastic chairs talking about god-knows-what when I appeared, with Dr Radtke.
He'd insisted on walking me here, just to make sure I was okay. Needless to say I was more nervous when Mikey and Bob saw me with him than I was walking through the hospital with him.
"Hey Frank. How you feeling?" Mikey asked, straightening up from his slouched position in his chair next to Bob.
"Fine."
"Great to see you're getting better man." Bob said with a small smile on his face. I'd never actually seen Bob smile much, even if he did I can't remember.
"So, I'll leave you then. If you need to speak to anyone if any thing's bothering you, you can give me a quick call. Okay?"
"Yeah, sure. Thanks again Dr Radtke." I said politely.
"No problem, but please, call me Jon."
I smiled. "Thanks."
I turned back to face Mikey and Bob after I'd torn my eyes away from him.
"And that was...." Mikey said curiously.
"The hospital psychiatrist."
"I see...Why did you have to go to him?"
"Rowland pissed me off, again. Justine said I should talk to him before I leave."
"Oh...okay."
"Can we get out of here please? Y'know how hospitals freak me out after I'd burnt my leg." Bob complained, standing up and starting to head for the exit.
Soon, we were back at my apartment and I started unpacking my stuff and shoving it in my drawers. I put Gerard's diary on the desk next to my bed and sighed.
It wasn't a crime that I found Dr Radtke attractive, so why did I feel guilty? Maybe I felt like I was cheating on Gerard even though he's gone. Maybe it was because I was still living like he existed in some way and that it would hurt him if he found out. Maybe he did exist?
Maybe it was the fact that I'd kept his diary that made me feel like this?
I looked at the black book on the desk and smiled. He wouldn't mind if I moved on, would he? I didn't particularly want to right now, but when I felt ready I would.
I promise...
Maybe it was because I was going home. Maybe it was because I would never have to see that middle-aged harpie woman again. Maybe it was because of what I'd read in Gerard's diary.
Maybe that's why I felt so happy again.
After I'd finished changing back into my own clothes that Mikey had kindly brought with him on his visit, Justine knocked on the door.
"Frank? Can I come in?" her cheery voice asked.
"Yeah, sure." I replied, stuffing the rest of my belongings back into my backpack.
Justine stood holding the door open, a smile on her face. She looked just how I felt, it seemed like now she'd announced her engagement to me she was glowing and couldn't stop smiling. And that was having an effect on me.
"You all set to go?"
"I think so."
"Well, remember I've still got to take you to see the hospital psychiatrist."
My heart sank a few millimeters. "Oh...right."
Justine noticed my sudden change in mood. "Don't worry Frank, he's nothing like that Rowland woman," she made a disapproving sound with her tongue. "Whoever said that woman was fit to provide help for people is seriously deluded. She's only caused more problems for you."
"Yeah...she has...." I said blankly not really concentrating on what she'd just said.
Only one word stuck out in my mind. He. Meaning a man, meaning I'd have to tell him I was gay.
I gulped.
"Frank? What's the matter?" Justine's concerned voice asked in my ear.
"Y-you said...'he', meaning...the psychiatrist's a man?"
"Yup, why? Is that a problem?"
"N-no I just...I don't know if I'd be comfortable telling him half the things I need to."
Justine made a small 'o' shape with her mouth, "Hmm...that might be a problem then...What exactly don't you want to tell him?"
"That I'm gay."
"Okaay...I really don't think he'll mind. He's very professional, more than that hag that was seeing you."
I laughed a little.
"You'll be okay Frank, I promise."
'I promise'...that hit a nerve.
I'll be back soon, I promise. Love you Frankie...
The last words I heard him say before he went out and never came back. In more ways than one.
---
As it turns out, when I went in to see the hospital psychiatrist, it wasn't that bad. Justine was right when she said he was professional, but he was also gorgeous, so that didn't too much to calm my already jangled nerves.
Justine walked me into his office and handed him my file while talking normally, relaxed, like I should be. But I couldn't.
I sat down in the chair by the window as far away from him as I possibly could get and started counting the spots on the floor. I guessed it would be easier to concentrate on them than looking at him, but I was wrong.
Every time I got up to ten, I snook a quick peek at him, then forgot where I was and started over.
Eventually, after what felt like hours, Justine directed the conversation towards me and I had to look up, I had to look at him.
His hair was the first thing I noticed, it was dark brown with large blond sections in the fringe and the shorter parts that stuck up slightly around the crown of his head. Each half of his fringe framed his face, drawing my attention to his slightly pale complexion.
He was dressed in a simple black shirt, that was open at the neck and I could just about see his collarbone sticking out from his skin. I wondered if he was naturally that thin, or if he had a problem like me.
No, probably naturally, he's a psychiatrist for god's sake. Either way, he still looked amazing...
But his eyes, oh his eyes were amazing. They were a beautiful pale blue that stood out in striking contast against the black lines around them.
I guess I really should stop staring...
"Frank? Are you okay?"
Justine's voice brought me back down to earth all too suddenly.
"Huh? Yeah, I'm fine."
"Good, so, um this is Dr Radtke. He's going to be giving you a final assessment, just to see if we'll need to keep an eye on you." she smiled. "He won't keep you long, I'm sure." Justine said casting a quick glance at him.
"Oh, okay." I croaked.
"Good...great! I'll go then and leave you to it."
Why did that last sentence she said make me think of sex? Oh god no! That sounds terrible! It sounds like I want to screw my psychiatrist! I could feel myself getting a deeper shade of red as each second passed.
I felt like running out of the room after Justine and going home to hide under my bed and not ever coming out again.
Dr Radtke sat down at his desk and quickly flicked through the file that belonged to me. Weirdly, he didn't start asking me all the weird questions that Rowland used to ask me.
"So, how are you today?" he asked, his accent different to mine.
"Um, fine."
"Great...Justine says you're doing better since Dr Rowland was told to stop seeing you. I take it you didn't like her that much, huh?"
"Yeah, she...she annoyed me I guess. She didn't really listen." I said, avoiding eye contact with him.
"Oh, I see. Well, I'm a very good listener so why don't you tell me a bit about yourself?"
"What is there to tell?"
"I don't know, that's up to you. Maybe you have a girlfriend you could tell me about, if you live together, your friends, if you've had any low points this year, your high points...Y'know, general stuff about yourself."
I started to feel slightly relaxed, he was talking to me like a friend, not like a fuck-up who's parents were paying a ridiculous amount of money for me to see every three weeks. Which clearly, three week intervals weren't good enough.
"Well, um, I live in Jersey and I uh...I've got my own place...it's okay, my parents help out with the rent and stuff."
"Do you get along with your parents?"
"Yeah fine, well, obviously I argue with them."
"That's true, I know I do more often than not."
I laughed nervously but carried on regardless. "I have friends that come visit sometimes, it makes a change from living on my own."
"Is there a particular reason for that?"
I gulped. "N-no, not really."
"You sure? I mean, you don't have to tell me, but if it helps..."
I chewed my bottom lip nervously, running my teeth over the metal lip ring that I'd put back in earlier today.
"Um...well, I used to live with someone."
"What happened?"
My skin started to feel hot and itchy, I knew I was just nervous and nothing bad was going to happen. I could tell now that this was a sign that I could be having a panic attack, which I didn't want to happen now.
"Uh, I...they died in a car accident."
Dr Radtke shook his head lightly. "That's awful, I'm so sorry...were you close, you and this person?"
"Yeah...we were, uh..." I didn't want to say it.
"What? Was it a girlfriend?"
I continued biting my lip and slowly shook my head, resiting the urge to jump out of the window.
"Boyfriend?"
I nodded.
"Okay, how long had you been with him?"
"Wh-what?"
"Is there a problem Frank?"
"N-no, just..."
He smiled slightly. "You were probably thinking I would freak out or something. You want my honest opinion? I'm fine with it. I know a couple of gay people so it doesn't bother me."
I felt a wave of relief wash over me and I relaxed more in the chair.
"So, you were telling me about your boyfriend..."
---
Mikey was waiting for me in the the reception area with Bob. They were sat on those annoyingly uncomfortable plastic chairs talking about god-knows-what when I appeared, with Dr Radtke.
He'd insisted on walking me here, just to make sure I was okay. Needless to say I was more nervous when Mikey and Bob saw me with him than I was walking through the hospital with him.
"Hey Frank. How you feeling?" Mikey asked, straightening up from his slouched position in his chair next to Bob.
"Fine."
"Great to see you're getting better man." Bob said with a small smile on his face. I'd never actually seen Bob smile much, even if he did I can't remember.
"So, I'll leave you then. If you need to speak to anyone if any thing's bothering you, you can give me a quick call. Okay?"
"Yeah, sure. Thanks again Dr Radtke." I said politely.
"No problem, but please, call me Jon."
I smiled. "Thanks."
I turned back to face Mikey and Bob after I'd torn my eyes away from him.
"And that was...." Mikey said curiously.
"The hospital psychiatrist."
"I see...Why did you have to go to him?"
"Rowland pissed me off, again. Justine said I should talk to him before I leave."
"Oh...okay."
"Can we get out of here please? Y'know how hospitals freak me out after I'd burnt my leg." Bob complained, standing up and starting to head for the exit.
Soon, we were back at my apartment and I started unpacking my stuff and shoving it in my drawers. I put Gerard's diary on the desk next to my bed and sighed.
It wasn't a crime that I found Dr Radtke attractive, so why did I feel guilty? Maybe I felt like I was cheating on Gerard even though he's gone. Maybe it was because I was still living like he existed in some way and that it would hurt him if he found out. Maybe he did exist?
Maybe it was the fact that I'd kept his diary that made me feel like this?
I looked at the black book on the desk and smiled. He wouldn't mind if I moved on, would he? I didn't particularly want to right now, but when I felt ready I would.
I promise...
♠ ♠ ♠
I've still got a few ideas for this story that I hope I'm going to get through this week (:If any readers have heard of Kill Hannah then you'll know who Frank's psychiatrist is in this chapter.
If not click this
And everyone should totally listen to Kill Hannah, they're amazing x]
Oh and a special mention for Buffy Willow who gave me the idea for this chapter x]
Don't forget to comment (:
xoxo