For My Boyfriend's Eyes Only
014.
One week later.
Since I'd been discharged from hospital, things had gotten a lot better for me on various levels. For one thing, I'd actually started to gain some weight, which is supposedly a big step considering how long I've been bullimic. I stopped taking my 'much-needed' medication and I actually felt a lot better than when I was taking them, even Mikey said he noticed how happy I suddenly seemed.
But the best thing is, I've finally started to accept Gerard's death.
Sure, I still feel bad about it from time to time and I still read his diary, but I've decided it's for the best that I try and move on with my life, no matter how much I wish things were still the same.
The only thing is, I can't stop thinking about Dr Radtke, or Jon as he insists I call him. He's only called once since I saw him, to make sure I was doing okay but apart from that I haven't seen him.
I can still remember exactly what he looked like, though it's not doing much good, he's the only thing I can think about no matter how hard I try not to.
I feel terrible for liking him that way, I mean after all, he is my psychiatrist and it would be wrong to even think that anything could happen. Not that I'm saying I want it to.
29th November
I feel like shit. My whole life is now, shit. But why would I say that? I have an amazing boyfriend, yeah that's right me and Frank are officially a couple now, just not everyone knows about us.
Yeah, I have a boyfriend, I get on with my parents and my brother and I'm 'happy' doing what I'm doing, which is fuck all. So why is my life shit?
One word.
Bert.
He's been calling me again, constantly, none stop. So much that I've resorted to switching my phone off and lying to everyone saying that the battery died and I can't find the charger. He found out, god knows how, about me and Frank and tried to talk me out of it. I told him over and over that I loved Frank, not him and it was going to stay that way no matter how hard he tried.
Sure enough Bert lost it and started screaming down the phone at me. Then, later the same day he kept calling, begging for me to forgive him.
Obviously I didn't listen to him. Why should I? He's been a total prick towards me since...well, forever basically. He never treated me with respect like Frank does, never once did he say 'I love you' and mean it.
He just used me for sex and that's why I hate his fucking guts.
Yes, I'm stupid for letting it go on for so long without realizing or doing anything to try and stop him, but for most of our relationship (if you can call it that) I was drunk, high or stoned and I can't remember the finer, important details.
I'm such a fuck-up. I can't see something that's wrong when it's staring me right in the fucking face! I've been like this forever, I don't know how to spot the signs, maybe that's the problem.
Or maybe I'm the problem. Maybe I'm so fucked in the head that I fuck with the heads of everyone who come within a mile radius of me. Maybe it would be better if no one knew who I was and then the world would be a much happier place without me, Gerard Way The Fuck-Up.
I wish it didn't have to come to this, Bert messing up my life so much. I wish I'd never met him, I wish he never knew who I was. I wish I didn't have to want to do this to anyone.
Especially Frankie.
I love him so fucking much it hurts.
G
xoxo
My head buzzed, I couldn't take in what I'd just read.
He...he tried to kill himself? He wanted to take his own life? No, no way. Not my Gerard, he would never have tried to do something so terrible. Would he?
I could feel the tears burning in the back of my eyes again. Just as I thought I was getting over him I find this. His...suicide note. The lump in my throat started to make itself known again, I swallowed it away whilst trying to hold in my tears at the same time.
I shook my head, who was I kidding? I'm not over him, I'm no where near even starting to forget about him.
I set the diary down on my bed and walked out into the kitchen and picked up the phone. For a few seconds I held it in both of my hands deciding if this was the right thing to do.
Casting all thoughts to the back of my mind, I pressed in the number that I was most scared to call, just for fear that I would hear his voice.
The familiar beeping noise sounded in my ear, I waited for what felt like hours, half of me wanted him to answer, the other half wanted his answering machine to pick up.
Sure enough, the very thing I didn't want to happen, did.
"Hello?"
"Uh...hi, Dr Radtke...it's me, Frank."
"Oh hey, how are you?"
"Um...not so good...can I, uh...come see you?"
"Yeah, sure...is it important?"
My mouth twisted, "Kinda, yeah."
There was a moments silence from the other end. "Okay, you can come right over."
"T-to the hospital?"
"No, I have a place in town. You know where the library is?"
"Yeah..."
"Go straight down for two blocks, then turn left. It's the building that has a big glass door at the end of the street...You'll know it when you see it."
"Oh...okay....thanks."
"See you soon."
Since I'd been discharged from hospital, things had gotten a lot better for me on various levels. For one thing, I'd actually started to gain some weight, which is supposedly a big step considering how long I've been bullimic. I stopped taking my 'much-needed' medication and I actually felt a lot better than when I was taking them, even Mikey said he noticed how happy I suddenly seemed.
But the best thing is, I've finally started to accept Gerard's death.
Sure, I still feel bad about it from time to time and I still read his diary, but I've decided it's for the best that I try and move on with my life, no matter how much I wish things were still the same.
The only thing is, I can't stop thinking about Dr Radtke, or Jon as he insists I call him. He's only called once since I saw him, to make sure I was doing okay but apart from that I haven't seen him.
I can still remember exactly what he looked like, though it's not doing much good, he's the only thing I can think about no matter how hard I try not to.
I feel terrible for liking him that way, I mean after all, he is my psychiatrist and it would be wrong to even think that anything could happen. Not that I'm saying I want it to.
29th November
I feel like shit. My whole life is now, shit. But why would I say that? I have an amazing boyfriend, yeah that's right me and Frank are officially a couple now, just not everyone knows about us.
Yeah, I have a boyfriend, I get on with my parents and my brother and I'm 'happy' doing what I'm doing, which is fuck all. So why is my life shit?
One word.
Bert.
He's been calling me again, constantly, none stop. So much that I've resorted to switching my phone off and lying to everyone saying that the battery died and I can't find the charger. He found out, god knows how, about me and Frank and tried to talk me out of it. I told him over and over that I loved Frank, not him and it was going to stay that way no matter how hard he tried.
Sure enough Bert lost it and started screaming down the phone at me. Then, later the same day he kept calling, begging for me to forgive him.
Obviously I didn't listen to him. Why should I? He's been a total prick towards me since...well, forever basically. He never treated me with respect like Frank does, never once did he say 'I love you' and mean it.
He just used me for sex and that's why I hate his fucking guts.
Yes, I'm stupid for letting it go on for so long without realizing or doing anything to try and stop him, but for most of our relationship (if you can call it that) I was drunk, high or stoned and I can't remember the finer, important details.
I'm such a fuck-up. I can't see something that's wrong when it's staring me right in the fucking face! I've been like this forever, I don't know how to spot the signs, maybe that's the problem.
Or maybe I'm the problem. Maybe I'm so fucked in the head that I fuck with the heads of everyone who come within a mile radius of me. Maybe it would be better if no one knew who I was and then the world would be a much happier place without me, Gerard Way The Fuck-Up.
I wish it didn't have to come to this, Bert messing up my life so much. I wish I'd never met him, I wish he never knew who I was. I wish I didn't have to want to do this to anyone.
Especially Frankie.
I love him so fucking much it hurts.
G
xoxo
My head buzzed, I couldn't take in what I'd just read.
He...he tried to kill himself? He wanted to take his own life? No, no way. Not my Gerard, he would never have tried to do something so terrible. Would he?
I could feel the tears burning in the back of my eyes again. Just as I thought I was getting over him I find this. His...suicide note. The lump in my throat started to make itself known again, I swallowed it away whilst trying to hold in my tears at the same time.
I shook my head, who was I kidding? I'm not over him, I'm no where near even starting to forget about him.
I set the diary down on my bed and walked out into the kitchen and picked up the phone. For a few seconds I held it in both of my hands deciding if this was the right thing to do.
Casting all thoughts to the back of my mind, I pressed in the number that I was most scared to call, just for fear that I would hear his voice.
The familiar beeping noise sounded in my ear, I waited for what felt like hours, half of me wanted him to answer, the other half wanted his answering machine to pick up.
Sure enough, the very thing I didn't want to happen, did.
"Hello?"
"Uh...hi, Dr Radtke...it's me, Frank."
"Oh hey, how are you?"
"Um...not so good...can I, uh...come see you?"
"Yeah, sure...is it important?"
My mouth twisted, "Kinda, yeah."
There was a moments silence from the other end. "Okay, you can come right over."
"T-to the hospital?"
"No, I have a place in town. You know where the library is?"
"Yeah..."
"Go straight down for two blocks, then turn left. It's the building that has a big glass door at the end of the street...You'll know it when you see it."
"Oh...okay....thanks."
"See you soon."
♠ ♠ ♠
Sorry it's not really long, bit of a mind block thereAnyway, I will update again tomorrow as I need to get down the idea I've had going on for a few days now (;
Oh yes, I have to go say hi to the french exchange student we've got living with us for a week x]
Should be fun
Don't forget to comment! <3
xoxo