For My Boyfriend's Eyes Only
015.
I knew the way around town like the back of my hand, so it didn't take me long to find the library. Sure enough, when I kept walking for two blocks, I came to the big building that he'd described to me. As I walked inside, I had a sick feeling in my stomach. I wasn't sure if I physically needed to throw up or if it was those butterflies making an appearance again.
Once I reached the floor I needed to be on, I made my way along the corridor, my eyes scanning each door I passed to make sure I was heading the right way.
Then, I came to it. I swallowed away the lump in my throat, lifted my hand to the door and knocked three times. It seemed like forever until he finally answered, I was slightly surprised at how gorgeous he really was. I know it had only been a week, but it's weird how such a short space of time can affect your memory.
"Hey." he said smiling.
"Hey." I replied, trying not to let my nervousness show.
"Come on in." he held the door open for me and I walked inside, being careful not to trip over my own feet.
"You're looking a lot better," he said, closing the door behind him.
"Really?"
"Yeah, it's good to see."
I gave him a weak smile and sat down on the edge of the sofa, setting my bag down beside me. Jon stood by the fireplace, resting one arm against it. He looked slightly different to last time, I noticed that he had a ring through his septum and he had blue eyeshadow brushed across his eyelids as well as the thin black lines of eyeliner.
"What's in the bag?" he asked.
I rang my teeth along my lip before answering. "It's kinda what I wanted to talk to you about..."
"Oh?"
After I opened the bag, I pulled out the diary and held it in my hands. "It was Gerard's. I found it when we were clearing out his things."
"Have you read it?" Jon asked as he ran his finger along the chain of a necklace he was wearing.
"Well...yeah, I mean...I was curious..."
He laughed softly, "I'm not saying that you shouldn't have." He walked over to the armchair opposite me and sat down crossing one leg over the other. "Why did you keep it?"
My eyebrows pulled together in confusion. "I..I don't know...I guess it makes me feel...like..."
"Like he's still here." Jon said, more like he was finishing my sentence rather than asking me a question.
"Yeah...something like that." I half smiled.
He sat keeping silent for a moment, running his hand through his hair and looking out of the window, then back to me. "So what is it about the diary that you wanted to tell me?"
"Well...everything really, I mean, I haven't read all of it yet. But there's things he never told me...like he..."
"It's okay, you can tell me."
I swallowed the lump in my throat away. "He wrote about how he wanted to kill himself."
The words seemed ten times louder than they really were and everything seemed to stop. Jon looked at the floor, it was only his eyes blinking that told me that he was shocked or maybe he just couldn't think what to say.
"Why do you think he didn't tell you?" he asked, his voice sounding relatively calm.
I shook my head. "I-I don't know...he wrote that it was because of his ex that found out about us and they didn't like that."
"How come?"
"He used Gerard and that's why they broke up, Gerard was convince that Bert didn't love him."
"Bert's the ex, right?"
"Yeah...he treated him really badly but I didn't know about that either." I could feel the tears prickling in the back of my eyes, clouding my vision, I didn't want to cry. Not now, not here, not in front of Jon.
"It's okay if you don't wanna tell me anything else if it upsets you..." I heard him say quietly.
"N-no...it might help me...get over him easier."
"Frank, I know you want things to move on but things just don't go away like that," he clicked his fingers for emphasis. "It takes time...you will get over him but -"
"And what if I don't? What if, I'm going to be like this forever? What if...what if I never forget about him? He was everything to me and now...now...he's gone..."
The tears now flowed freely from my eyes and I didn't make any attempt to stop them, I didn't care anymore, why should I? Everyone knew what a mess I was, no matter how hard I tried to kid myself. Just then I realised there was an arm wrapped around my shoulder that was holding me against something. I looked up and saw Jon's face, he didn't look embarassed, he looked genuinley worried for me.
Then I realized I wasn't crying anymore, the skin around my eyes was still wet but there were no fresh tears forming. It was in that moment I noticed that he was just close enough that, if I wanted to, I could kiss him. If I moved towards him just the slightest amount, our lips would touch. Maybe it was time I moved on...
Then, as if he had heard my thoughts, Jon pressed his lips to mine. It was all I expected and more. Just the feeling of someone elses skin against mine sent shivers rushing through my body. I felt him pull me closer to him, his hands holding my waist while mine found their way to his neck and travelled upwards to tangle themselves in his hair. He teased my lips open with the tip of his tongue and I gladly granted him entrance and I could feel every cell in my body scream with delight.
Suddenly, for an unknown reason, I broke away.
"I..." I started but couldn't think of anything to say.
"I'm sorry, this was a bad idea..." Jon took his hands away from my waist.
"No wait." I protested, my fingers wrapping around his wrists.
My mind buzzed with confusion, trying to think of anything that could explain this, why it suddenly felt right.
I couldn't...
"Frank, I'm sorry I..."
"Don't be." I whispered, leaning in towards him again and our lips met a second time.
It was more careful and gentle, yet just as pleasurable. We kissed slowly with our tongues moving against each other gracefully. Our bodies grew closer together and his hands held me by my waist again while mine were wrapped loosely around his neck. In that moment, I forgot about everything. About why I was here in the first place, why I was in the state I was. I'd forgotten all the bad things that had happened to me. All I could think about was how it felt right.
Suddenly, Jon broke away, a disappointed look on his face.
"I..I really shouldn't be doing this. If anyone found out that I was treating you...I could get fired."
"They don't have to." I mumbled softly.
"Frank, don't get me wrong, I don't regret this, it's just..."
"Just what?"
He sighed, his eyebrows pulling together and his mouth twisting. "I don't know..can we...do this again sometime?"
"What, like a date?" I asked, sounding surprised.
"If you want to call it that, then yeah."
"Okay...sure, when?"
"Tomorrow, say...six-thirty?"
"Yeah, okay."
Suddenly, the phone rang causing us to jump apart. I felt myself blushing as Jon got up and walked into the kitchen to answer the call, while I sat where I had been twisting my fingers nervously and looking around the apartment.
I could hear Jon talking from the next room.
"Yeah...mhm, sure. No it's no problem, really. Yeah but it'll have to be before five, I have something on tomorrow. Okay, bye."
I couldn't help but smile to myself as he walked back into the room.
"Look, I uh...better be going." I said feeling disappointed.
"Oh...yeah, okay." he said sounding exactly as I felt.
"I guess I'll just have to wait until tomorrow." I smiled.
He smiled back at me in the cutest way I'd ever seen. "I guess so." he replied.
Once I reached the floor I needed to be on, I made my way along the corridor, my eyes scanning each door I passed to make sure I was heading the right way.
Then, I came to it. I swallowed away the lump in my throat, lifted my hand to the door and knocked three times. It seemed like forever until he finally answered, I was slightly surprised at how gorgeous he really was. I know it had only been a week, but it's weird how such a short space of time can affect your memory.
"Hey." he said smiling.
"Hey." I replied, trying not to let my nervousness show.
"Come on in." he held the door open for me and I walked inside, being careful not to trip over my own feet.
"You're looking a lot better," he said, closing the door behind him.
"Really?"
"Yeah, it's good to see."
I gave him a weak smile and sat down on the edge of the sofa, setting my bag down beside me. Jon stood by the fireplace, resting one arm against it. He looked slightly different to last time, I noticed that he had a ring through his septum and he had blue eyeshadow brushed across his eyelids as well as the thin black lines of eyeliner.
"What's in the bag?" he asked.
I rang my teeth along my lip before answering. "It's kinda what I wanted to talk to you about..."
"Oh?"
After I opened the bag, I pulled out the diary and held it in my hands. "It was Gerard's. I found it when we were clearing out his things."
"Have you read it?" Jon asked as he ran his finger along the chain of a necklace he was wearing.
"Well...yeah, I mean...I was curious..."
He laughed softly, "I'm not saying that you shouldn't have." He walked over to the armchair opposite me and sat down crossing one leg over the other. "Why did you keep it?"
My eyebrows pulled together in confusion. "I..I don't know...I guess it makes me feel...like..."
"Like he's still here." Jon said, more like he was finishing my sentence rather than asking me a question.
"Yeah...something like that." I half smiled.
He sat keeping silent for a moment, running his hand through his hair and looking out of the window, then back to me. "So what is it about the diary that you wanted to tell me?"
"Well...everything really, I mean, I haven't read all of it yet. But there's things he never told me...like he..."
"It's okay, you can tell me."
I swallowed the lump in my throat away. "He wrote about how he wanted to kill himself."
The words seemed ten times louder than they really were and everything seemed to stop. Jon looked at the floor, it was only his eyes blinking that told me that he was shocked or maybe he just couldn't think what to say.
"Why do you think he didn't tell you?" he asked, his voice sounding relatively calm.
I shook my head. "I-I don't know...he wrote that it was because of his ex that found out about us and they didn't like that."
"How come?"
"He used Gerard and that's why they broke up, Gerard was convince that Bert didn't love him."
"Bert's the ex, right?"
"Yeah...he treated him really badly but I didn't know about that either." I could feel the tears prickling in the back of my eyes, clouding my vision, I didn't want to cry. Not now, not here, not in front of Jon.
"It's okay if you don't wanna tell me anything else if it upsets you..." I heard him say quietly.
"N-no...it might help me...get over him easier."
"Frank, I know you want things to move on but things just don't go away like that," he clicked his fingers for emphasis. "It takes time...you will get over him but -"
"And what if I don't? What if, I'm going to be like this forever? What if...what if I never forget about him? He was everything to me and now...now...he's gone..."
The tears now flowed freely from my eyes and I didn't make any attempt to stop them, I didn't care anymore, why should I? Everyone knew what a mess I was, no matter how hard I tried to kid myself. Just then I realised there was an arm wrapped around my shoulder that was holding me against something. I looked up and saw Jon's face, he didn't look embarassed, he looked genuinley worried for me.
Then I realized I wasn't crying anymore, the skin around my eyes was still wet but there were no fresh tears forming. It was in that moment I noticed that he was just close enough that, if I wanted to, I could kiss him. If I moved towards him just the slightest amount, our lips would touch. Maybe it was time I moved on...
Then, as if he had heard my thoughts, Jon pressed his lips to mine. It was all I expected and more. Just the feeling of someone elses skin against mine sent shivers rushing through my body. I felt him pull me closer to him, his hands holding my waist while mine found their way to his neck and travelled upwards to tangle themselves in his hair. He teased my lips open with the tip of his tongue and I gladly granted him entrance and I could feel every cell in my body scream with delight.
Suddenly, for an unknown reason, I broke away.
"I..." I started but couldn't think of anything to say.
"I'm sorry, this was a bad idea..." Jon took his hands away from my waist.
"No wait." I protested, my fingers wrapping around his wrists.
My mind buzzed with confusion, trying to think of anything that could explain this, why it suddenly felt right.
I couldn't...
"Frank, I'm sorry I..."
"Don't be." I whispered, leaning in towards him again and our lips met a second time.
It was more careful and gentle, yet just as pleasurable. We kissed slowly with our tongues moving against each other gracefully. Our bodies grew closer together and his hands held me by my waist again while mine were wrapped loosely around his neck. In that moment, I forgot about everything. About why I was here in the first place, why I was in the state I was. I'd forgotten all the bad things that had happened to me. All I could think about was how it felt right.
Suddenly, Jon broke away, a disappointed look on his face.
"I..I really shouldn't be doing this. If anyone found out that I was treating you...I could get fired."
"They don't have to." I mumbled softly.
"Frank, don't get me wrong, I don't regret this, it's just..."
"Just what?"
He sighed, his eyebrows pulling together and his mouth twisting. "I don't know..can we...do this again sometime?"
"What, like a date?" I asked, sounding surprised.
"If you want to call it that, then yeah."
"Okay...sure, when?"
"Tomorrow, say...six-thirty?"
"Yeah, okay."
Suddenly, the phone rang causing us to jump apart. I felt myself blushing as Jon got up and walked into the kitchen to answer the call, while I sat where I had been twisting my fingers nervously and looking around the apartment.
I could hear Jon talking from the next room.
"Yeah...mhm, sure. No it's no problem, really. Yeah but it'll have to be before five, I have something on tomorrow. Okay, bye."
I couldn't help but smile to myself as he walked back into the room.
"Look, I uh...better be going." I said feeling disappointed.
"Oh...yeah, okay." he said sounding exactly as I felt.
"I guess I'll just have to wait until tomorrow." I smiled.
He smiled back at me in the cutest way I'd ever seen. "I guess so." he replied.
♠ ♠ ♠
Eeeee I really enjoyed writing that one (xHope everyone likes, hopefully I'll be posting again tomorrow
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xoxo