For My Boyfriend's Eyes Only
018.
It felt like my brain was trying to escape from my skull when I woke then next morning. My whole body ached, infact I felt like I couldn't move at all, then I realized why. Jon was layed ontop of me, still sleeping by the looks of things. My arms were wrapped around him and his around me, I smiled to myself as the nights events started to slowly come back to me.
I kept trying to find a way to get up without disturbing Jon, unfortunatly it didn't look like it was going to be possible right now. So instead I closed my eyes again in a vain attempt to get more sleep which I didn't really need.
Just then, the phone rang nearly causing me to jump off the sofa, but obviously I couldn't. Then, by sheer luck, Jon woke up clearly disturbed by the ringing phone that I couldn't answer.
"Hey...are you gonna get that?" he asked groggily.
"I would've, but you were asleep on me."
"Oh...sorry." he replied, blushing a little then moving so I was free to go and put a stop to the annoying ringing noise.
I didn't bother to check the caller ID like I normally did.
"Hello?"
"Finally! Did I wake you up?"
I rolled my eyes and smiled to myself. "No Mikey, you didn't."
"Then how come it took so freaking long for you to answer?"
"Um, I was busy?"
He laughed, "Sure you were. So anyway, how did it go last night?"
"Fine."
"Really?" he asked, sounding suprised.
"Yeah...actually, it was better than fine. Everything went brilliantly." I said, a big grin spread across my face.
"Good...good. Did you remember what I told you?"
"Uh..." I couldn't really remember a lot from last night if I was being honest, only that things went great.
"I didn't think so." Mikey laughed.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing, nothing. So...you didn't do anything you regret did you?"
"What?! No!"
Cue more laughing from Mikey's end of the line. "Sorry man, I'm just kidding."
"Sure you are." I mumbled, then I remembered why Mikey left in such a rush last night. "So, how'd it go with Alicia?"
There was silence from the other end.
"That bad huh?" I joked.
"Hey! Actually, I'm still at her apartment if you must know."
"Wow, that's...that's something." I smirked.
"Yeah, so anyway is it okay for me to drop by your place?"
"When?"
"Oh I don't know...soon? I'm just about to leave so yknow..."
I turned back to look in the living room where Jon was sat on the sofa, his head resting against the back with his eyes closed.
"Uh...can you give me about an hour?"
"An hour? Frank, I'm twenty minutes away!"
"Well, stay with Alicia for a little longer, y'know...make coffee."
I could almost sense him rolling his eyes. "She's got plans, I can't exactly stay here and get in the way."
"Well...uh...make something up."
"Is there something wrong?"
"What?"
"Do you not want me to -"
He stopped talking and I got an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that something was coming my way. That something being another one of Mikey's famous 'tell-me-anything' conversations.
"He's still there isn't he?"
"What? No, no...no." I said, clearly lying.
Mikey started laughing again. "He is! I knew it! So, did you get lucky last night?"
"For god's sake Mikey will you give it a rest!" I gasped, feeling myself blush because I knew, in a way, he was right. Again.
"Aw Frank, you could've told me straight away. You don't need to keep things from me."
"Not that I can keep them for very long anyway." I mumbled.
"Look I'm sorry. I'll come by in about half an hour okay?"
"Make it fourty-five?"
He sighed. "Okay, fine."
"Great, see you later."
"Bye Frank."
I put the phone down and sighed. I ran my hands through my hair then turned back to look at Jon. I didn't want him to leave so soon, it didn't seem right to force him out just because Mikey was coming over.
I sat down next to him and waited to see if he was going to wake up any time soon. Sure enough, he did.
"Hey." he said quietly.
"Sorry about that."
"Don't be, so who was it?"
"Just Mikey...he said he needs to drop in later."
"What for?"
I shook my head lightly. "He didn't say."
"So does that mean you want me to leave then?"
"What? No...no I don't want you to."
Jon smiled, "It's okay...I don't mind."
"No. Stay for a bit longer...please."
I linked my fingers with his and moved closer to him before resting my head on his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around my waist then pulled me upright, I swung my legs over him so I was now sat on his lap. I let my hands drape loosely around his neck then I pressed my lips lightly to his and let them linger for a moment before I buried my face his neck and closed my eyes, enjoying the feeling of content I had flowing through me.
One Week Later.
Over the past few days, I saw Jon more than I thought I would. After that night at my place, I decided that I did feel something for him and it wasn't just the alcohol talking. And it turned out that it was the same for him.
I arrived home after another night out smiling widely. I'd been smiling a lot recently and it wasn't exactly hard to tell why. I don't think I'd been happier since I was with Gerard. That reminded me of something. I hadn't read his diary since that day I went to see Jon. I hung my jacket up in the hall and went into my bedroom and pulled the black notebook out of the cabinet then sat down on my bed and found the last place I'd gotten to.
10th December
Okay, so I did it. I tried to kill myself in the least traumatic way. Obviously it didn't go as well as I'd planned otherwise I wouldn't be writing this now.
I came home from school early, in actual fact I didn't even go, I skipped not that anyone noticed or cared. I'd waited until I was sure that Mom and Dad were both out before letting myself back in the house and I went straight into my room, dumped my bag and hoodie on the floor then searched through my drawer until I found my razor.
With that in my hand, I got this book (yes, this exact book) and ripped a couple of pages out on which I wrote my final goodbyes. I won't go into detail about what I worte down, they basically said everything I've been too scared to say out loud. I wrote a seperate one to Frank that I know he never saw because my mom burned the notes afterwards.
When I finished writing them, I went upstairs into the bathroom and closed the door. I took what I thought would be my last look at my pathetic reflection in the mirror then slammed my fist into it, sending large pieces crashing into the sink and onto the floor, but leaving tiny fragments in my knuckles.
I took my razor in my hand and started to drag it back and forth across my pale skin, leaving a brilliant red trail behind it. I continued for god knows how long until I finally felt the room start to spin and my vision become clouded.
Instead of stopping at this point, I carried on, hoping, wanting that I wouldn't wake up when I fell down into the pit of darkenss.
I woke up in hospital and I swear I wanted to cry at the fact that it hadn't worked.
My mom was sat beside me, her face stained by tear marks.
"Gerard...are you okay?"
"No." I said bluntly.
"Oh Gerard, you scared me so much! How could you have been so stupid?!" she said, her voice cracking.
"I wasn't being stupid...it's what I wanted." I said, turning away from her.
"Why would you want to die? What about us? What about Mikey, what about Frank? I'm sure he wouldn't want this."
"Oh 'what if?'" I mocked. "That's all it ever is, what if this, what if that. Mom, I know you love me but I'm too messed up for this world."
"No one's too messed up for this world. Especially not you."
And then she left. I didn't see her until two days later. When I got home she insisted that I got help, so I went to see this psychiatrist who I loathe more than anyone in the world. She supposedly gets results, what a load of bullshit. All she gets is a hundred dollars off my parents and an even more fucked-up client.
Stupid fucking Dr Rowland...
Anyway, I decided to make thing sup to Frankie. He never found out about my 'stunt' (as my parents like to call it) so I figured that I should just try and be more of a good boyfriend to him.
So far, so good...
xoxo
G
I kept trying to find a way to get up without disturbing Jon, unfortunatly it didn't look like it was going to be possible right now. So instead I closed my eyes again in a vain attempt to get more sleep which I didn't really need.
Just then, the phone rang nearly causing me to jump off the sofa, but obviously I couldn't. Then, by sheer luck, Jon woke up clearly disturbed by the ringing phone that I couldn't answer.
"Hey...are you gonna get that?" he asked groggily.
"I would've, but you were asleep on me."
"Oh...sorry." he replied, blushing a little then moving so I was free to go and put a stop to the annoying ringing noise.
I didn't bother to check the caller ID like I normally did.
"Hello?"
"Finally! Did I wake you up?"
I rolled my eyes and smiled to myself. "No Mikey, you didn't."
"Then how come it took so freaking long for you to answer?"
"Um, I was busy?"
He laughed, "Sure you were. So anyway, how did it go last night?"
"Fine."
"Really?" he asked, sounding suprised.
"Yeah...actually, it was better than fine. Everything went brilliantly." I said, a big grin spread across my face.
"Good...good. Did you remember what I told you?"
"Uh..." I couldn't really remember a lot from last night if I was being honest, only that things went great.
"I didn't think so." Mikey laughed.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing, nothing. So...you didn't do anything you regret did you?"
"What?! No!"
Cue more laughing from Mikey's end of the line. "Sorry man, I'm just kidding."
"Sure you are." I mumbled, then I remembered why Mikey left in such a rush last night. "So, how'd it go with Alicia?"
There was silence from the other end.
"That bad huh?" I joked.
"Hey! Actually, I'm still at her apartment if you must know."
"Wow, that's...that's something." I smirked.
"Yeah, so anyway is it okay for me to drop by your place?"
"When?"
"Oh I don't know...soon? I'm just about to leave so yknow..."
I turned back to look in the living room where Jon was sat on the sofa, his head resting against the back with his eyes closed.
"Uh...can you give me about an hour?"
"An hour? Frank, I'm twenty minutes away!"
"Well, stay with Alicia for a little longer, y'know...make coffee."
I could almost sense him rolling his eyes. "She's got plans, I can't exactly stay here and get in the way."
"Well...uh...make something up."
"Is there something wrong?"
"What?"
"Do you not want me to -"
He stopped talking and I got an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that something was coming my way. That something being another one of Mikey's famous 'tell-me-anything' conversations.
"He's still there isn't he?"
"What? No, no...no." I said, clearly lying.
Mikey started laughing again. "He is! I knew it! So, did you get lucky last night?"
"For god's sake Mikey will you give it a rest!" I gasped, feeling myself blush because I knew, in a way, he was right. Again.
"Aw Frank, you could've told me straight away. You don't need to keep things from me."
"Not that I can keep them for very long anyway." I mumbled.
"Look I'm sorry. I'll come by in about half an hour okay?"
"Make it fourty-five?"
He sighed. "Okay, fine."
"Great, see you later."
"Bye Frank."
I put the phone down and sighed. I ran my hands through my hair then turned back to look at Jon. I didn't want him to leave so soon, it didn't seem right to force him out just because Mikey was coming over.
I sat down next to him and waited to see if he was going to wake up any time soon. Sure enough, he did.
"Hey." he said quietly.
"Sorry about that."
"Don't be, so who was it?"
"Just Mikey...he said he needs to drop in later."
"What for?"
I shook my head lightly. "He didn't say."
"So does that mean you want me to leave then?"
"What? No...no I don't want you to."
Jon smiled, "It's okay...I don't mind."
"No. Stay for a bit longer...please."
I linked my fingers with his and moved closer to him before resting my head on his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around my waist then pulled me upright, I swung my legs over him so I was now sat on his lap. I let my hands drape loosely around his neck then I pressed my lips lightly to his and let them linger for a moment before I buried my face his neck and closed my eyes, enjoying the feeling of content I had flowing through me.
One Week Later.
Over the past few days, I saw Jon more than I thought I would. After that night at my place, I decided that I did feel something for him and it wasn't just the alcohol talking. And it turned out that it was the same for him.
I arrived home after another night out smiling widely. I'd been smiling a lot recently and it wasn't exactly hard to tell why. I don't think I'd been happier since I was with Gerard. That reminded me of something. I hadn't read his diary since that day I went to see Jon. I hung my jacket up in the hall and went into my bedroom and pulled the black notebook out of the cabinet then sat down on my bed and found the last place I'd gotten to.
10th December
Okay, so I did it. I tried to kill myself in the least traumatic way. Obviously it didn't go as well as I'd planned otherwise I wouldn't be writing this now.
I came home from school early, in actual fact I didn't even go, I skipped not that anyone noticed or cared. I'd waited until I was sure that Mom and Dad were both out before letting myself back in the house and I went straight into my room, dumped my bag and hoodie on the floor then searched through my drawer until I found my razor.
With that in my hand, I got this book (yes, this exact book) and ripped a couple of pages out on which I wrote my final goodbyes. I won't go into detail about what I worte down, they basically said everything I've been too scared to say out loud. I wrote a seperate one to Frank that I know he never saw because my mom burned the notes afterwards.
When I finished writing them, I went upstairs into the bathroom and closed the door. I took what I thought would be my last look at my pathetic reflection in the mirror then slammed my fist into it, sending large pieces crashing into the sink and onto the floor, but leaving tiny fragments in my knuckles.
I took my razor in my hand and started to drag it back and forth across my pale skin, leaving a brilliant red trail behind it. I continued for god knows how long until I finally felt the room start to spin and my vision become clouded.
Instead of stopping at this point, I carried on, hoping, wanting that I wouldn't wake up when I fell down into the pit of darkenss.
I woke up in hospital and I swear I wanted to cry at the fact that it hadn't worked.
My mom was sat beside me, her face stained by tear marks.
"Gerard...are you okay?"
"No." I said bluntly.
"Oh Gerard, you scared me so much! How could you have been so stupid?!" she said, her voice cracking.
"I wasn't being stupid...it's what I wanted." I said, turning away from her.
"Why would you want to die? What about us? What about Mikey, what about Frank? I'm sure he wouldn't want this."
"Oh 'what if?'" I mocked. "That's all it ever is, what if this, what if that. Mom, I know you love me but I'm too messed up for this world."
"No one's too messed up for this world. Especially not you."
And then she left. I didn't see her until two days later. When I got home she insisted that I got help, so I went to see this psychiatrist who I loathe more than anyone in the world. She supposedly gets results, what a load of bullshit. All she gets is a hundred dollars off my parents and an even more fucked-up client.
Stupid fucking Dr Rowland...
Anyway, I decided to make thing sup to Frankie. He never found out about my 'stunt' (as my parents like to call it) so I figured that I should just try and be more of a good boyfriend to him.
So far, so good...
xoxo
G
♠ ♠ ♠
Thanks to everyone for reading and commentingI'm now up to 9 stars (last time I checked) please help me get 10 (: (:
I'll try and update again sometime this weekend - possibly sunday
Comments = <3
xoxo