For My Boyfriend's Eyes Only
019.
This couldn't be happening...could it? Gerard tried to commit suicide and never told me about it? Why would he do that? I sat on the edge of my bed, the diary in my hands and a thousand questions buzzing around in my head. It dawned on me then, that the reason I didn't see him for a few days and afterwards, he was unusually nice to me, not that I complained, was because of this. I couldn't believe it, he lied to me. Who's to say this wasn't the only thing he kept from me?
I decided I needed some closure on the subject so I went into the hallway and picked up the phone, toying with it in my hands while trying to remember the phone number I was about to dial. When I remembered it and pressed the right buttons, I waited and waited until I finally heard that kind voice that I'd trusted for so long.
---
Later that afternoon, I drove through town until I came to the house just near the park and pulled up outside it. It looked just as I remembered it, a tidy front garden with a small path that lead up to the perfectly white front door. I felt a familiar lump build in my throat again, I swallowed it away then climbed out of my car locking it behind me. I walked up the stone path and upon reaching the front door, I knocked three times, loud enough for the person inside to hear.
A few moments later, the door opened to reveal a woman standing before me, smiling.
"Hi Frank." she greeted.
"Hi Mrs Way, it's good to see you again." I smiled back.
"You too, come on in." she replied, standing aside so I was free to walk inside.
The house was just as I remembered, clean, with lots of space although it didn't seem like it at first glace because of the darkened wood floors. Strangely, it didn't look wrong it worked for this house, maybe it was just because I was so used to it. I followed Mrs Way into the living room, she signaled for me to sit down on the sofa as she sat in the armchair opposite.
"So, you said there was something you needed to talk to me about?"
"Um, yeah." I said slightly nervously.
"What's bothering you?"
"Uh..it's about Gerard." I said wringing my hands.
Mrs Way stopped for a moment, her gaze dropped to the floor. "Oh..."
"I..I found his diary and...and he wrote that he tried to commit suicide."
There was silence. I couldn't be sure if it was an unhealthy silence or maybe it was just a moment where she was deciding what was the best way to explain the situation. I hoped it was the latter.
"I knew you'd find out sooner or later," she sighed. "I can't believe Gerard never told you about it himself."
I shrugged. "I thought something might have happened when I didn't see him at all for a whole week."
Mrs Way sat back in her chair and crossed one leg over the other. "I guess you have a right to know what happened." she said before clearing her throat.
"It was just a normal day, Gerard went to school, or at least I thought he did, and his father went to work. I went shopping like I normally did on a Wednesday morning and didn't realize that Gerard was waiting until I'd left the house before coming back inside.
I came home a few hours later and I didn't think that anything was wrong, but the front door was unlocked. That's when I panicked. I saw that Gerard's bedroom door was open and that's when I knew something was wrong, he always closed it after he went out. Then that's when I found the notes he left."
"What did they say?" I asked.
"I don't like to remember, if I'm being honest. You know there was a separate one addressed to you, right?"
I nodded, I'd read it in the diary.
"Anyway, I found him on the bathroom floor lying in his own blood." she shook her head, "It was horrible, I thought he was gone forever but I called an ambulance regardless. I stayed with him until he woke up the next day."
She stopped talking for a moment. I could tell she was trying to fight back the images that were probably flashing through her mind and trying not to cry.
"When he woke up, it looked like he was disappointed that he was still alive. I'll never forget that...he told me that he was too messed up to live. And I said -"
"No one's too messed up for this world, Especially not you." I said.
"W-what did you say?" she asked, her eyes wide with shock.
"It...it was in his diary. He wrote down what happened at the hospital." I said, my eyes dropping to the floor."
"Oh...what else did it say?"
"That he you made him see Dr Rowland." I replied, a bitter edge to my voice.
"Y-you know her?"
"Yeah. My parents made me see her."
"Oh...yes, that may have something to do with me..."
"Excuse me?"
Mrs Way shuffled in her seat almost uncomfortably. "When Gerard...when he passed away and you weren't coping, your parents well, your mother, came to talk to me. To see if I could help. I told them about Dr Rowland and I guess they took you to see her."
"It didn't do me any good. And I don't think it worked for Gerard either." I stated.
"Sorry?"
"I had a panic attack so I got taken to hospital, she was there and she wanted to talk to me. I lost my temper with her and it nearly made me have another attack. So I don't see her anymore." I crossed my arms over my chest.
"And Gerard wrote that he didn't want help off her and that you were just wasting your money."
"What? Where did you find this diary?" she asked, clearly confused.
"In the apartment, when me and Mikey were clearing out his things."
She nodded. "Look Frank, I'm sorry about all of this, I really am but -"
"Why did you burn the note?"
There was silence again, Mrs Way just stared at me, her mouth slightly open. "How did you...?"
"You burnt the suicide notes. Why?"
"B-Because Frank...I had to. I couldn't have people knowing what he tried to do."
"So you'd rather just lie to everyone and pretend that everything was okay? Lie to yourself, his father and Mikey? Lie to me? Why?"
"Frank I want you to leave." she said suddenly, getting up out of her chair.
"What?"
"Leave now. Please." she said, her voice shaking.
"But I -"
"Yes I kept his suicide attempt a secret from everyone outside this family, because I knew it was the best thing for everyone. I trusted Gerard enough to tell you if that was what he wanted. Clearly he wasn't as strong as I thought."
I stayed sat down on the sofa, staring at her in utter confusion.
"Now, please leave."
Once I was back at my apartment, I didn't know what to do. My attempt to try and get some closure from his mother failed miserably and the only results I got were making her and myself upset. I sat on the edge of my bed with the diary in my hands, without thinking I opened it and flicked to the first unread entry.
25th December
Merry Fucking Christmas!!
xoxo
G
I smiled and shook my head lightly. Typical Gerard.
---
I woke up the next morning feeling slightly down and I needed something to cheer me up. Once I'd gotten dressed I called Jon and decided to spend the day with him.
The whole afternoon we spent in town, just wandering round and somehow we ended up in the park just near the library. We sat down on one of the benches under the shade of a large willow tree, I ended up telling him how I'd been practically kicked out of the Way's house and how I now felt awful.
"I should've kept my mouth shut." I said miserably.
"Uh-uh, I don't think so." Jon said, shaking his head. "You had a right to know why she kept that from you. After all, he was your boyfriend."
I half smiled. "Yeah but he was her son. So she gets the final say in all of this..."
"I guess...it's a shame you can't find out from him why it happened."
"Yeah...I know."
I stared out onto the pond, watching the light play off the top of the water, casting glittering shapes onto the bark of the trees. It was nearly summer and I should've been feeling better than ever as it was my favorite time of the year, but this whole secret had just brought me right back to earth with a bump.
I sighed quietly and rested my head on Jon's shoulder. He wrapped his arms around me and I pressed myself closer to him. I let my eyes close and I felt him kiss the top of my head.
"Things will get better...I promise."
I decided I needed some closure on the subject so I went into the hallway and picked up the phone, toying with it in my hands while trying to remember the phone number I was about to dial. When I remembered it and pressed the right buttons, I waited and waited until I finally heard that kind voice that I'd trusted for so long.
---
Later that afternoon, I drove through town until I came to the house just near the park and pulled up outside it. It looked just as I remembered it, a tidy front garden with a small path that lead up to the perfectly white front door. I felt a familiar lump build in my throat again, I swallowed it away then climbed out of my car locking it behind me. I walked up the stone path and upon reaching the front door, I knocked three times, loud enough for the person inside to hear.
A few moments later, the door opened to reveal a woman standing before me, smiling.
"Hi Frank." she greeted.
"Hi Mrs Way, it's good to see you again." I smiled back.
"You too, come on in." she replied, standing aside so I was free to walk inside.
The house was just as I remembered, clean, with lots of space although it didn't seem like it at first glace because of the darkened wood floors. Strangely, it didn't look wrong it worked for this house, maybe it was just because I was so used to it. I followed Mrs Way into the living room, she signaled for me to sit down on the sofa as she sat in the armchair opposite.
"So, you said there was something you needed to talk to me about?"
"Um, yeah." I said slightly nervously.
"What's bothering you?"
"Uh..it's about Gerard." I said wringing my hands.
Mrs Way stopped for a moment, her gaze dropped to the floor. "Oh..."
"I..I found his diary and...and he wrote that he tried to commit suicide."
There was silence. I couldn't be sure if it was an unhealthy silence or maybe it was just a moment where she was deciding what was the best way to explain the situation. I hoped it was the latter.
"I knew you'd find out sooner or later," she sighed. "I can't believe Gerard never told you about it himself."
I shrugged. "I thought something might have happened when I didn't see him at all for a whole week."
Mrs Way sat back in her chair and crossed one leg over the other. "I guess you have a right to know what happened." she said before clearing her throat.
"It was just a normal day, Gerard went to school, or at least I thought he did, and his father went to work. I went shopping like I normally did on a Wednesday morning and didn't realize that Gerard was waiting until I'd left the house before coming back inside.
I came home a few hours later and I didn't think that anything was wrong, but the front door was unlocked. That's when I panicked. I saw that Gerard's bedroom door was open and that's when I knew something was wrong, he always closed it after he went out. Then that's when I found the notes he left."
"What did they say?" I asked.
"I don't like to remember, if I'm being honest. You know there was a separate one addressed to you, right?"
I nodded, I'd read it in the diary.
"Anyway, I found him on the bathroom floor lying in his own blood." she shook her head, "It was horrible, I thought he was gone forever but I called an ambulance regardless. I stayed with him until he woke up the next day."
She stopped talking for a moment. I could tell she was trying to fight back the images that were probably flashing through her mind and trying not to cry.
"When he woke up, it looked like he was disappointed that he was still alive. I'll never forget that...he told me that he was too messed up to live. And I said -"
"No one's too messed up for this world, Especially not you." I said.
"W-what did you say?" she asked, her eyes wide with shock.
"It...it was in his diary. He wrote down what happened at the hospital." I said, my eyes dropping to the floor."
"Oh...what else did it say?"
"That he you made him see Dr Rowland." I replied, a bitter edge to my voice.
"Y-you know her?"
"Yeah. My parents made me see her."
"Oh...yes, that may have something to do with me..."
"Excuse me?"
Mrs Way shuffled in her seat almost uncomfortably. "When Gerard...when he passed away and you weren't coping, your parents well, your mother, came to talk to me. To see if I could help. I told them about Dr Rowland and I guess they took you to see her."
"It didn't do me any good. And I don't think it worked for Gerard either." I stated.
"Sorry?"
"I had a panic attack so I got taken to hospital, she was there and she wanted to talk to me. I lost my temper with her and it nearly made me have another attack. So I don't see her anymore." I crossed my arms over my chest.
"And Gerard wrote that he didn't want help off her and that you were just wasting your money."
"What? Where did you find this diary?" she asked, clearly confused.
"In the apartment, when me and Mikey were clearing out his things."
She nodded. "Look Frank, I'm sorry about all of this, I really am but -"
"Why did you burn the note?"
There was silence again, Mrs Way just stared at me, her mouth slightly open. "How did you...?"
"You burnt the suicide notes. Why?"
"B-Because Frank...I had to. I couldn't have people knowing what he tried to do."
"So you'd rather just lie to everyone and pretend that everything was okay? Lie to yourself, his father and Mikey? Lie to me? Why?"
"Frank I want you to leave." she said suddenly, getting up out of her chair.
"What?"
"Leave now. Please." she said, her voice shaking.
"But I -"
"Yes I kept his suicide attempt a secret from everyone outside this family, because I knew it was the best thing for everyone. I trusted Gerard enough to tell you if that was what he wanted. Clearly he wasn't as strong as I thought."
I stayed sat down on the sofa, staring at her in utter confusion.
"Now, please leave."
Once I was back at my apartment, I didn't know what to do. My attempt to try and get some closure from his mother failed miserably and the only results I got were making her and myself upset. I sat on the edge of my bed with the diary in my hands, without thinking I opened it and flicked to the first unread entry.
25th December
Merry Fucking Christmas!!
xoxo
G
I smiled and shook my head lightly. Typical Gerard.
---
I woke up the next morning feeling slightly down and I needed something to cheer me up. Once I'd gotten dressed I called Jon and decided to spend the day with him.
The whole afternoon we spent in town, just wandering round and somehow we ended up in the park just near the library. We sat down on one of the benches under the shade of a large willow tree, I ended up telling him how I'd been practically kicked out of the Way's house and how I now felt awful.
"I should've kept my mouth shut." I said miserably.
"Uh-uh, I don't think so." Jon said, shaking his head. "You had a right to know why she kept that from you. After all, he was your boyfriend."
I half smiled. "Yeah but he was her son. So she gets the final say in all of this..."
"I guess...it's a shame you can't find out from him why it happened."
"Yeah...I know."
I stared out onto the pond, watching the light play off the top of the water, casting glittering shapes onto the bark of the trees. It was nearly summer and I should've been feeling better than ever as it was my favorite time of the year, but this whole secret had just brought me right back to earth with a bump.
I sighed quietly and rested my head on Jon's shoulder. He wrapped his arms around me and I pressed myself closer to him. I let my eyes close and I felt him kiss the top of my head.
"Things will get better...I promise."
♠ ♠ ♠
Hope everyone enjoys (:Comments = <3
xoxo