For My Boyfriend's Eyes Only
002.
Two months earlier...
I woke up to a grey, cloudy morning. The silence from the streets outside made the realization of what I had to do today even harder.
Today was the day I had to bury my boyfriend.
I kept kidding myself that it hadn't happened, that it was all a bad dream and Gerard would come home, needless to say in doing this I slipped into a state of depression that I still hadn't gotten over yet. I don't think I ever will, to be perfectly honest.
After I'd had a shower and got dressed into my black trousers and black shirt, I wandered into the kitchen in a zombie-like trace, my mind blank. I made some coffee on auto-pilot and sat down at the empty table. I didn't feel like eating anything for fear of throwing up.
Just as I'd finished my coffee there was a buzzing from the door.
I walked over to the front door and lifted the phone to my ear.
"Hello?" I managed to croak.
"Hey Frank, it's me Mikey...Ray and Bob are here too."
"Oh, that's nice." I replied blankly.
"Um..can we come up?"
"Yeah...sure."
I held my finger to the button and waited until I could here a clicking sound, then put the phone back.
It was weird having people in the apartment again, the sound of talking and laughing and just basically people being normal.
But I couldn't get used to it, me and Gerard used to do all of those things and more, we used to mess around just being us. Then it all went wrong because of that stupid driver who shouldn't have even been allowed on the goddamn road.
I sighed and sat down on the sofa, trying not to think about my resentment for that person, who now was thankfully locked up.
Mikey appeared next to me and placed a comforting hand on my shoulder.
"It's gonna be okay Frank. We'll all help you get through this."
I looked up at him and smiled weakly. "Thanks guys but...I..I...this isn't right."
"I know, I know. But some things...just happen." Mikey's words were full of regret.
"But it shouldn't have happened. He should still be here, with me...with us."
Now I could feel the lump in the back of my throat rising and my eyes brimming with tears. I forced them back, not wanting to cry again.
"Frank let's just get through today, yeah? Then we can figure out what to do when you're ready."
"What if I'm never ready Mikes?"
"You will be...trust me."
---
The four of us walked into the church in silence, there was nothing anyone of them could say to make me feel the slightest bit better.
Inside the church was almost full of friends of mine and Gerard's and our families that were all sat together instead of the usual one-family-one-side-the-other-family-the-other-side rule.
I smiled weakly again when I saw my mom aproaching.
"Hey...you okay?" she asked, pulling me into a warm, floral scented hug.
"Not really." I said honestly.
"Frank, it's going to be okay, y'hear? Come sit down." she replied, taking me by the hand and leading me up the alise and over to where my father was sat.
I slumped onto the wooden pew and stared blankly ahead at the small patch of tiled floor. I looked up and saw the one thing that was able to make me start crying automatically.
Gerard's coffin.
The coffin was laid out at the front and was sleek and black, just like I knew he would've wanted, with ornate silver detail around the edges. I'd decided to have an open coffin for him, just so that everyone could see him one last time. I wiped away the tears that had started to stream down my face, my mom saw me do this and pulled me into another hug.
"It's okay...it's okay." she whispered in my ear.
A few minutes later it started. The vicar walked out and started to speak, I tried not to listen, instead I foucused on Gerard's body that lay a few feet from me.
I hoped that this wasn't real and that I'd wake up with him lying next to me.
I was proven wrong when it suddenly hit me that I'd had a speech of some sort that I had to stand up and say.
Right now.
"Mom...mom, I don't think I can do it." I whispered in a panicked voice.
"Frank, you can. It'll be fine."
"No, no, mom, no, you don't understand." I protested, "I can't do this!"
She tried to calm me down whilst everyone was watching me wriggle about in my seat like some five year old. I fiddled with my hands and pulled at my fringe out of a nervous habit that I developed as a child.
The vicar's voice sounded again, I didn't take any notice, I was too busy trying not to throw up to think about anything else.
Mom whispered something in my ear again, something about not having to stand up and speak anymore. That seemed to calm my nerves but not erase the fact of why I didn't want to speak.
When we all went outside into the graveyard to watch the burial it was even worse.
Seeing that coffin being lowered down into the hole that had been dug especially for Gerard made me snap. I broke down infront of everyone, the tears coming thick and fast and I made no bid to stop them.
Eventually, I calmed down long enough for the vicar to continue which meant everything was over quickly.
And, in true funeral style, just as everyone turned to leave, the first few drops of rain started to fall, leaving me standing by his grave, alone in the rain knowing that this was what it was going to be like for the rest of my life.
Present Day.
"Do you want to start sorting through his things today?"
Me and Mikey sat in the living room watching tv, only I wasn't really paying close attention, my mind was elsewhere.
"I dunno." I mumbled.
"We might as well, it might help you...y'know..."
I sighed, "Okay."
I sat down on the bed and watched as Mikey opened up the wardrobe to reveal Gerard's clothes. He turned to me and waited, I nodded slowly then he began to take the clothes of the rail and onto the bed next to me.
I picked up a random article of clothing and held it out infront of me. It was one of his many black tee shirts, only this one had skeleton ribs printed onto it.
I held it to my chest and felt the lump in my throat bulid again.
It still smelt of Gerard.
"I don't wanna throw them away Mikey." I muttered.
"Huh?"
"Can we like...put them into boxes...or something?"
"Um..yeah, I guess."
After the wardrobe was emptied, Mikey moved onto the drawers on either side of the bed. I still sat clutching the tee shirt that had been worn many times by Gerard. I could remember the last time I saw him in this one, the day before he died. It's only now he's gone I remember things that, at the time, seemed unimportant.
"Hey, what's this?"
Mikey held out a thick, black, leather bound notebook.
"I...I don't know."
I'd never seen it before in my life, I took it out of Mikey's hands and opened it to reveal snowy white pages, covered in what could only be Gerard's untidy scrawl.
"I think it's his diary." I said, leafing through the pages but not reading a word.
"Oh, I never knew he kept one." Mikey said, sounding suprised.
"Yeah, me either..."
---
Later that night, after Mikey had gone back home, I lay in bed wide awake thinking about the diary. I'd put it into a drawer amongst my things, just so I knew it was safe.
Knowing that sleep was a long way off, I sat up, turned the light on and pulled out the diary. I held it in my hands for a few moments, debating whether or not it was a good thing that I read his private thoughts.
Eventually, I got tired of arguing with myself and opened it up and began to read.
I woke up to a grey, cloudy morning. The silence from the streets outside made the realization of what I had to do today even harder.
Today was the day I had to bury my boyfriend.
I kept kidding myself that it hadn't happened, that it was all a bad dream and Gerard would come home, needless to say in doing this I slipped into a state of depression that I still hadn't gotten over yet. I don't think I ever will, to be perfectly honest.
After I'd had a shower and got dressed into my black trousers and black shirt, I wandered into the kitchen in a zombie-like trace, my mind blank. I made some coffee on auto-pilot and sat down at the empty table. I didn't feel like eating anything for fear of throwing up.
Just as I'd finished my coffee there was a buzzing from the door.
I walked over to the front door and lifted the phone to my ear.
"Hello?" I managed to croak.
"Hey Frank, it's me Mikey...Ray and Bob are here too."
"Oh, that's nice." I replied blankly.
"Um..can we come up?"
"Yeah...sure."
I held my finger to the button and waited until I could here a clicking sound, then put the phone back.
It was weird having people in the apartment again, the sound of talking and laughing and just basically people being normal.
But I couldn't get used to it, me and Gerard used to do all of those things and more, we used to mess around just being us. Then it all went wrong because of that stupid driver who shouldn't have even been allowed on the goddamn road.
I sighed and sat down on the sofa, trying not to think about my resentment for that person, who now was thankfully locked up.
Mikey appeared next to me and placed a comforting hand on my shoulder.
"It's gonna be okay Frank. We'll all help you get through this."
I looked up at him and smiled weakly. "Thanks guys but...I..I...this isn't right."
"I know, I know. But some things...just happen." Mikey's words were full of regret.
"But it shouldn't have happened. He should still be here, with me...with us."
Now I could feel the lump in the back of my throat rising and my eyes brimming with tears. I forced them back, not wanting to cry again.
"Frank let's just get through today, yeah? Then we can figure out what to do when you're ready."
"What if I'm never ready Mikes?"
"You will be...trust me."
---
The four of us walked into the church in silence, there was nothing anyone of them could say to make me feel the slightest bit better.
Inside the church was almost full of friends of mine and Gerard's and our families that were all sat together instead of the usual one-family-one-side-the-other-family-the-other-side rule.
I smiled weakly again when I saw my mom aproaching.
"Hey...you okay?" she asked, pulling me into a warm, floral scented hug.
"Not really." I said honestly.
"Frank, it's going to be okay, y'hear? Come sit down." she replied, taking me by the hand and leading me up the alise and over to where my father was sat.
I slumped onto the wooden pew and stared blankly ahead at the small patch of tiled floor. I looked up and saw the one thing that was able to make me start crying automatically.
Gerard's coffin.
The coffin was laid out at the front and was sleek and black, just like I knew he would've wanted, with ornate silver detail around the edges. I'd decided to have an open coffin for him, just so that everyone could see him one last time. I wiped away the tears that had started to stream down my face, my mom saw me do this and pulled me into another hug.
"It's okay...it's okay." she whispered in my ear.
A few minutes later it started. The vicar walked out and started to speak, I tried not to listen, instead I foucused on Gerard's body that lay a few feet from me.
I hoped that this wasn't real and that I'd wake up with him lying next to me.
I was proven wrong when it suddenly hit me that I'd had a speech of some sort that I had to stand up and say.
Right now.
"Mom...mom, I don't think I can do it." I whispered in a panicked voice.
"Frank, you can. It'll be fine."
"No, no, mom, no, you don't understand." I protested, "I can't do this!"
She tried to calm me down whilst everyone was watching me wriggle about in my seat like some five year old. I fiddled with my hands and pulled at my fringe out of a nervous habit that I developed as a child.
The vicar's voice sounded again, I didn't take any notice, I was too busy trying not to throw up to think about anything else.
Mom whispered something in my ear again, something about not having to stand up and speak anymore. That seemed to calm my nerves but not erase the fact of why I didn't want to speak.
When we all went outside into the graveyard to watch the burial it was even worse.
Seeing that coffin being lowered down into the hole that had been dug especially for Gerard made me snap. I broke down infront of everyone, the tears coming thick and fast and I made no bid to stop them.
Eventually, I calmed down long enough for the vicar to continue which meant everything was over quickly.
And, in true funeral style, just as everyone turned to leave, the first few drops of rain started to fall, leaving me standing by his grave, alone in the rain knowing that this was what it was going to be like for the rest of my life.
Present Day.
"Do you want to start sorting through his things today?"
Me and Mikey sat in the living room watching tv, only I wasn't really paying close attention, my mind was elsewhere.
"I dunno." I mumbled.
"We might as well, it might help you...y'know..."
I sighed, "Okay."
I sat down on the bed and watched as Mikey opened up the wardrobe to reveal Gerard's clothes. He turned to me and waited, I nodded slowly then he began to take the clothes of the rail and onto the bed next to me.
I picked up a random article of clothing and held it out infront of me. It was one of his many black tee shirts, only this one had skeleton ribs printed onto it.
I held it to my chest and felt the lump in my throat bulid again.
It still smelt of Gerard.
"I don't wanna throw them away Mikey." I muttered.
"Huh?"
"Can we like...put them into boxes...or something?"
"Um..yeah, I guess."
After the wardrobe was emptied, Mikey moved onto the drawers on either side of the bed. I still sat clutching the tee shirt that had been worn many times by Gerard. I could remember the last time I saw him in this one, the day before he died. It's only now he's gone I remember things that, at the time, seemed unimportant.
"Hey, what's this?"
Mikey held out a thick, black, leather bound notebook.
"I...I don't know."
I'd never seen it before in my life, I took it out of Mikey's hands and opened it to reveal snowy white pages, covered in what could only be Gerard's untidy scrawl.
"I think it's his diary." I said, leafing through the pages but not reading a word.
"Oh, I never knew he kept one." Mikey said, sounding suprised.
"Yeah, me either..."
---
Later that night, after Mikey had gone back home, I lay in bed wide awake thinking about the diary. I'd put it into a drawer amongst my things, just so I knew it was safe.
Knowing that sleep was a long way off, I sat up, turned the light on and pulled out the diary. I held it in my hands for a few moments, debating whether or not it was a good thing that I read his private thoughts.
Eventually, I got tired of arguing with myself and opened it up and began to read.
♠ ♠ ♠
Hope everyone enjoyed this oneI will update again as soon as I have chance, possibly Monday/Tuesday
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