For My Boyfriend's Eyes Only
024.
The ride to the hospital in the back of the police car seemed to last for hours. All the lights whizzing past me in a blur as I tried to understand what had just happened and where I was going...and why.
I stared blankly out of the window into the inky black night sky, not even bothering to listen to what the female officer was saying to me. Eventually, she gave up and I didn't hear anything except the low humming of the radio for the rest of the journey.
As I entered the hospital, escorted by two officers, I felt like I was going to trow up. I could feel every single pair of eyes burning holes into the back of my head, probably thinking I was the scum of the earth given the look of the situation.
The female officer held her hand lightly to my shoulder and guided me slowly towards the front desk. A blond woman was sat there, flicking through a magazine and occasionally sipping on what looked like a cup of coffee. I could have killed for a coffee right now, my eyes were barely open and my limbs felt like they were going to drop off, leaving me in a heap on the too clean floor.
"Excuse me," the officer to my right said. "There's someone who's just been involved in an accident that this young man would like to see."
The girl at the desk looked up. "Okay," she set her magazine on her lap and began tapping on her computer keyboard. "Could you tell me the name?"
"Mr Gerard Way." the male officer said.
After the receptionist had tapped and clicked for too long, she answered.
"Yes, he's still in A and E. Um...you'll have to go down and speak to one of the doctors there. I'm not sure if they've taken him to theater or not."
"Okay, thank you for your help."
I felt myself being lead down a series of blinding white corridors, round corners and past nurses and doctors that were rushing by. For this late at night the hospital was pretty damn busy.
Without me even realizing, we passed the sign that said 'Accident and Emergency' and lead to another corridor that had a number of rooms branching off from it. One of the officers stopped and spoke to me, I didn't even register what had come out of their mouth.
I was gently pushed down on to something hard and plastic, the other officer had gone to find a doctor most likely. After staring at the floor for a few minutes, I looked up and saw him walking back towards me, doctor in tow.
"Frank, this is Dr Reynolds. He's been looking after Gerard since he was brought in."
I glanced upwards and smiled feebly at the doctor. He sensed my obvious state of mind and sat down in the empty seat to my left, in a bid to try and make me more comforted.
"I know exactly how you're feeling right now, so don't worry." he said in a calm voice. "Are you aware of Mr Way' current state?"
I nodded slowly, remembering the brief yet detailed enough information I'd been given less than an hour ago.
I heard him take a slow, deep breath. "So as you know, Mr Way has been involved in a road accident. And...to be perfectly honest...he's in pretty bad shape."
I closed my eyes and pretended not to hear him. 'Wait a minute..' I thought. 'Doctors aren't supposed to be this honest with someone.'
"...At the moment we're deciding if it's worth taking him to be operated on."
"Can I go see him?" I asked, deliberately ignoring everything that had been said.
"Uh...well, I..."
"Please."
The doctor sighed. "Okay...Okay, come this way."
He lead me into a large room filled with two beds and countless pieces of machinery. On the bed to my right was Gerard.
I felt my heart stop. It felt like I wasn't even looking at him, not in the way I remembered my Gerard. He looked sickly white and not in the way that looked good on him. It was almost as if he was turning grey, as if he was dirty. The were numerous tubes and wires sticking into him, linking up to all the beeping monitors around the bed. I could see spots of blood around his stomach and leg area that stained the white hospital sheets, they'd obviously been changed but I could still tell that the damage was bad.
"I'll just wait outside for a moment."
The door swung open then swung backwards, making a clicking sound as it shut, leaving me alone with Gerard.
I walked over to his bedside and carefully took hold of his hand. It was like touching a block of ice. His hands were still as soft as they always had been but it felt like there was no life left in them. Or in him.
"Hey Gee." I said quietly, my voice feeling like it would break at any second. "How you feeling? I'm doing okay...I just want to be here with you..."
My throat started to close up, my vision was beginning to blur. I knew that this was only the start of more night like this to come. Hot tears started to seep out onto my cheeks as I gripped tighter on Gerard's hand.
"Please don't leave me Gee...I don't know what I'd do without you..."
Even through my tears, I could see his face looking ill yet somehow it was beautiful. I stroked the soft skin on his hand rhythmically, in time with the beeping of his heart monitor.
"Gee..." I whispered. "I love you so much..."
I carefully leaned in towards him and pressed my lips gently to the spot on his neck just below his jaw bone that I knew that he liked all too much. Then I placed a soft kiss on the corner of his mouth, being careful not to dislodge the tube that was stuck down his throat.
I pulled back, continuing to stroke his hand as I watched him barely breathing.
"Please don't leave me Gee...please...please don't go..."
I held on tighter to his hand as I heard the beeping of the monitor growing slower. Ironically, my heart started beat faster as I could almost feel him slipping away...right in front of me.
"Gee...no, please Gee...don't go..."
By now the tears were rolling freely down my cheeks as I continued to hold onto his hand, hoping that somehow he would come back to me.
Then I heard it. The monitor flat-lined and didn't beep again.
***
I was sat alone in the relatives room as they liked to call it, holding a cup of coffee that I suddenly didn't feel like drinking any more. My mind was blank as I stared at the same spot on the carpet, watching as my eyes adjusted to the light and darkened before suddenly changing lighter again.
It wouldn't sink in, wouldn't process into my brain that he was gone. My Gerard had gone and I'd been there when he slipped away from me. There was nothing that anyone could say now that would make me feel even slightly better.
Just then, the door opened and two bodies entered the room. I didn't look up, I didn't even flinch. I kept staring at the floor and clutching the polystyrene cup to stop it from falling to the floor.
"Frank? I have someone I would like you to speak to."
I realized that it was Dr Reynolds that had spoken and each word grew louder, signaling that he was walking towards me.
"Why do I need to speak to anyone?" I said horsely.
Dr Reynolds sighed for what felt like the hundredth time. "I think it will be good for you to...to talk about it."
"I don't want to talk about it."
Then another voice that I didn't recognize spoke.
"Maybe it's not the best time for me to talk to him. He's really torn up about it..."
"No. I think you should."
"Doctor, I really think -"
"Listen Jon, I don't think you're in a position to argue with me here. Do you understand?"
I set my cup down on the table and rose from my seat.
"Look, I appreciate you're trying to help me but I just wanna be alone right now."
I walked past Dr Reynolds and the other guy and out of the door, into the corridor and towards the hospital exit. I didn't need anyone else right now. I only wanted Gerard back...and I knew that was never going to happen...
I stared blankly out of the window into the inky black night sky, not even bothering to listen to what the female officer was saying to me. Eventually, she gave up and I didn't hear anything except the low humming of the radio for the rest of the journey.
As I entered the hospital, escorted by two officers, I felt like I was going to trow up. I could feel every single pair of eyes burning holes into the back of my head, probably thinking I was the scum of the earth given the look of the situation.
The female officer held her hand lightly to my shoulder and guided me slowly towards the front desk. A blond woman was sat there, flicking through a magazine and occasionally sipping on what looked like a cup of coffee. I could have killed for a coffee right now, my eyes were barely open and my limbs felt like they were going to drop off, leaving me in a heap on the too clean floor.
"Excuse me," the officer to my right said. "There's someone who's just been involved in an accident that this young man would like to see."
The girl at the desk looked up. "Okay," she set her magazine on her lap and began tapping on her computer keyboard. "Could you tell me the name?"
"Mr Gerard Way." the male officer said.
After the receptionist had tapped and clicked for too long, she answered.
"Yes, he's still in A and E. Um...you'll have to go down and speak to one of the doctors there. I'm not sure if they've taken him to theater or not."
"Okay, thank you for your help."
I felt myself being lead down a series of blinding white corridors, round corners and past nurses and doctors that were rushing by. For this late at night the hospital was pretty damn busy.
Without me even realizing, we passed the sign that said 'Accident and Emergency' and lead to another corridor that had a number of rooms branching off from it. One of the officers stopped and spoke to me, I didn't even register what had come out of their mouth.
I was gently pushed down on to something hard and plastic, the other officer had gone to find a doctor most likely. After staring at the floor for a few minutes, I looked up and saw him walking back towards me, doctor in tow.
"Frank, this is Dr Reynolds. He's been looking after Gerard since he was brought in."
I glanced upwards and smiled feebly at the doctor. He sensed my obvious state of mind and sat down in the empty seat to my left, in a bid to try and make me more comforted.
"I know exactly how you're feeling right now, so don't worry." he said in a calm voice. "Are you aware of Mr Way' current state?"
I nodded slowly, remembering the brief yet detailed enough information I'd been given less than an hour ago.
I heard him take a slow, deep breath. "So as you know, Mr Way has been involved in a road accident. And...to be perfectly honest...he's in pretty bad shape."
I closed my eyes and pretended not to hear him. 'Wait a minute..' I thought. 'Doctors aren't supposed to be this honest with someone.'
"...At the moment we're deciding if it's worth taking him to be operated on."
"Can I go see him?" I asked, deliberately ignoring everything that had been said.
"Uh...well, I..."
"Please."
The doctor sighed. "Okay...Okay, come this way."
He lead me into a large room filled with two beds and countless pieces of machinery. On the bed to my right was Gerard.
I felt my heart stop. It felt like I wasn't even looking at him, not in the way I remembered my Gerard. He looked sickly white and not in the way that looked good on him. It was almost as if he was turning grey, as if he was dirty. The were numerous tubes and wires sticking into him, linking up to all the beeping monitors around the bed. I could see spots of blood around his stomach and leg area that stained the white hospital sheets, they'd obviously been changed but I could still tell that the damage was bad.
"I'll just wait outside for a moment."
The door swung open then swung backwards, making a clicking sound as it shut, leaving me alone with Gerard.
I walked over to his bedside and carefully took hold of his hand. It was like touching a block of ice. His hands were still as soft as they always had been but it felt like there was no life left in them. Or in him.
"Hey Gee." I said quietly, my voice feeling like it would break at any second. "How you feeling? I'm doing okay...I just want to be here with you..."
My throat started to close up, my vision was beginning to blur. I knew that this was only the start of more night like this to come. Hot tears started to seep out onto my cheeks as I gripped tighter on Gerard's hand.
"Please don't leave me Gee...I don't know what I'd do without you..."
Even through my tears, I could see his face looking ill yet somehow it was beautiful. I stroked the soft skin on his hand rhythmically, in time with the beeping of his heart monitor.
"Gee..." I whispered. "I love you so much..."
I carefully leaned in towards him and pressed my lips gently to the spot on his neck just below his jaw bone that I knew that he liked all too much. Then I placed a soft kiss on the corner of his mouth, being careful not to dislodge the tube that was stuck down his throat.
I pulled back, continuing to stroke his hand as I watched him barely breathing.
"Please don't leave me Gee...please...please don't go..."
I held on tighter to his hand as I heard the beeping of the monitor growing slower. Ironically, my heart started beat faster as I could almost feel him slipping away...right in front of me.
"Gee...no, please Gee...don't go..."
By now the tears were rolling freely down my cheeks as I continued to hold onto his hand, hoping that somehow he would come back to me.
Then I heard it. The monitor flat-lined and didn't beep again.
***
I was sat alone in the relatives room as they liked to call it, holding a cup of coffee that I suddenly didn't feel like drinking any more. My mind was blank as I stared at the same spot on the carpet, watching as my eyes adjusted to the light and darkened before suddenly changing lighter again.
It wouldn't sink in, wouldn't process into my brain that he was gone. My Gerard had gone and I'd been there when he slipped away from me. There was nothing that anyone could say now that would make me feel even slightly better.
Just then, the door opened and two bodies entered the room. I didn't look up, I didn't even flinch. I kept staring at the floor and clutching the polystyrene cup to stop it from falling to the floor.
"Frank? I have someone I would like you to speak to."
I realized that it was Dr Reynolds that had spoken and each word grew louder, signaling that he was walking towards me.
"Why do I need to speak to anyone?" I said horsely.
Dr Reynolds sighed for what felt like the hundredth time. "I think it will be good for you to...to talk about it."
"I don't want to talk about it."
Then another voice that I didn't recognize spoke.
"Maybe it's not the best time for me to talk to him. He's really torn up about it..."
"No. I think you should."
"Doctor, I really think -"
"Listen Jon, I don't think you're in a position to argue with me here. Do you understand?"
I set my cup down on the table and rose from my seat.
"Look, I appreciate you're trying to help me but I just wanna be alone right now."
I walked past Dr Reynolds and the other guy and out of the door, into the corridor and towards the hospital exit. I didn't need anyone else right now. I only wanted Gerard back...and I knew that was never going to happen...
♠ ♠ ♠
Ooh yes, a nice long update for everyone. I think listening to New Heart For Christmas by Kill Hannah on repeat has worked wonders :]Just so you all know, I have a plan for the final couple of chapters in this story and yeah, it's nearly finished. About three or more? Maybe..
Anyway, if there's anything you're unsure about, if you think I've missed something let me know and I'll see if I can incorporate it into the ending chapters.
Okay? Okay :]
Good news, my exams have finished so NO REVISION!!! =D *has a mini party in head*
So, more writing time me thinks :]
Comments = <3
People who haven't commented before, this would be a nice time to say hi :]
Thanks to everyone
xoxo
P.S.
Did you spot it? ^^