For My Boyfriend's Eyes Only
026.
My hands were shaking as I pried open the lid of the box in my palm. I felt my breath becoming uneven and shaky as the lid snapped back.
Then, I couldn't move. Not one muscle. There wasn't a single part of me that had been frozen. Whether it was through shock, grief or just an overreaction I didn't know. All rational thoughts had abandoned my mind as I stared blankly at the box in my hands.
It was a clean, black box that had a brilliantly white, cushioned inside. On the little cushioned part was a thick, silver band. I reached for it on auto-pilot, not really thinking what I was doing, and took it from the box.
A sickening feeling rose in the pit of my stomach, almost bringing bile to the back of my throat. I clamped my eyes shut and shook my head, my hair tickling my face.
No, no, no, no! This wasn't right!
I jumped up from my spot in front of the wardrobe and dived over to my bedside drawer, the ring held tightly in my hand. There was only one thing that I could possibly be looking for.
Gerard's diary.
I skipped right to the last entry he'd written, the rest of it seeming irrelevant right now.
16th February
Well, this is it. I've actually gone out and bought a ring. Man it feels so weird! Like...I'm really going to ask Frank to marry me.
Yeah I'm doing the right thing, we've been living together for over a year now and every thing's been going great! And for the past few months I've finally realized how lucky I am to have such a wonderful guy like Frank in my life. Jesus, I love him so much that I wanna spend the rest of my life with him and grow old together and all that shit.
Doesn't that sound weird? Coming from me, Gerard Way. The fucked-up alcoholic, depressed drug user. I feel proud that I can now say Gerard Way. Madly in love with Frank Iero...and nothing else.
Fuck! I'm so happy I could run to the top of this building and confess my love for Frank to the whole world. And I don't give two shits as to how cliche that sounds.
But seriously, I've never been so happy in my whole life. It's like...I don't know. Before I met Frank I felt like giving up, like nothing was worth living for. But now...Frank's my reason for living. He's what keeps me sane, what keeps me going. The reason I fall asleep happy and wake up happier every day and night.
I don't think I can fully put it into words how much I love him...I don't think I'll ever find the right ones. The ones that will let him know that he means the world to me and I never, ever want to let him go...
So that's why I'm doing this. This is why I'm mentally torturing myself and making myself feel sick with excitement so I can finally tell him how much he really means to me.
Tonight's the night I'm gonna ask him. I've got this whole thing planned out from start to finish. First off, I'm gonna make him dinner. The way to a guy's heart is through his stomach after all...Or so I'm told.
Then it's just gonna be like a normal night, or so he thinks. I'll rent a few movies, we'll snuggle up on the sofa like we always do...God, I'm getting nervous just thinking about it! Okay, okay...um, so then I'll ask him. And I don't know how I'm gonna do it but I just will. I know I'll beat myself up if I don't do it now, because I never will otherwise. And hopefully, after I've asked him and he's said "yes", we'll both go and express our love for each other in another way.
Oh fucking hell! I'd better start getting my shit together! I must remember to take the ring out of the pocket of my other jeans when I get back from my little shopping trip. Otherwise I'll be royally fucked.
I can't believe I'm gonna do it. Tonight. I've been pacing up and down this room for the past hour cause I'm that nervous! Oh god...I better just go and do this. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? Frank's highly unlikely to say no isn't he? He loves me just as much as I love him. Or maybe even more. Though I doubt that's possible. I'd die in two seconds flat just to give him the tiniest idea of how much I love him.
G
xoxo
That was when it hit me. When the wave of tears crashed over me and dragged me under, where I sobbed my poor little heart out for hours. It hit me then that I would never be married to him, that I would never ever see his beautiful smile and never hold him in my arms again. Why did this have to happen to me? What had I ever done to deserve this? I'd never hurt anyone in my life, never broken the law. So why had the only thing I loved been taken from me? Why, why, why, why, why?
***
Jon's POV
I'd been trying to get through to Frank all night. It wasn't working at all, no matter how many times I called or left voice messages, he just never picked up. And that was something he never did.
After I'd dressed and spent about ten minutes fixing my hair, I wandered around my apartment, toying with my cell phone wondering if I should call him again. Maybe I was being over-obsessive. Maybe I was worrying over nothing. It was possible that he'd left his phone in some place other than his pocket and he'd forgotten where he left it.
Yeah right, I thought to myself. I flipped open my cell and pressed in Frank's number and held it to my ear, just waiting.
And I kept waiting...and waiting...and waiting...and -
I'm sorry, the person you have called is not available. Please try again or leave a message after the tone.
Urgh! That annoying voice, again! I sighed angrily snapping my phone shut and shoving it into my pocket. There was no question about it now. I grabbed my jacket and my keys and headed for the door, hoping that everything was okay.
***
By now, I was losing the will to live. I'd been banging on Frank's door for the past god-knows-how-long and still I was trying to call him. Both attempts going unsuccessfully, I might add.
I ran my hands through my hair, trying to calm down. Hell, I'd even tried shouting through the letterbox to which there was no answer. It felt like I was just wasting my time, like he wasn't even inside his apartment. But he wouldn't leave town without saying anything would he? No. No way, that's not like him. But I suppose people can surprise you.
I leaned back against the door and let myself sink down until I hit the floor, resting my head against the hard wood. This was hopeless, completely and utterly hopeless.
A few times people walked past and eyed me in a weird way, probably thinking I was some hobo who just liked to annoy people. Yeah right, I had bigger things to worry about.
"Excuse me sir, are you lost?"
I glanced upwards and saw some guy dressed in a white shirt and black trousers looking down at me, a strange concerned glaze in his eyes. I spotted his name tag, a sure sign that he worked here.
"No, I'm not." I replied bluntly.
"Then can I please ask why you are sitting here? You do realize you're obstructing this person's fire exit. If something were to happen - "
"I don't think there's any chance of that happening to be quite honest..." I squinted and leaned forward so I could see his name tag. "...Simon. The person who lives here won't even open the door."
Simon rubbed his jaw. "Well...have you tried calling them?"
"Yup, all unsuccessful."
"Shouting through the letter box?"
"Done. No response."
His tone of voice dropped. "Breaking down the door?"
My eyes widened and a smile appeared on my face. "Why didn't I run into you sooner?"
With the help of Simon, Frank's door was lying flat on the floor within five minutes. I felt bad that I had to resort to this level, but hey, I'll buy him a new door.
The apartment looked quite normal in my eyes. Everything was clean and tidy, nothing showed signs of a forced entry or anything like that. But Frank was no where to be seen. I was beginning to worry.
All the rooms were silent and there was nothing to indicate that he was still here. Apart from his cell phone. The small object was sat on the kitchen table amid several news papers and envelopes. A sigh of relief escaped from my lips, so maybe he hadn't left. His house keys were in the dish on the coffee table like always and his jacket was slung on the back of the sofa.
I wandered along the corridor to his bedroom, hoping he was in there. I raised my fist to the door and lightly tapped three times against the wood, waiting for any signs of life.
Silence.
My eyebrows pulled together in confusion, so I knocked again. But there was still no answer. Instead of knocking, I pushed the door open and gasped.
It was Frank alright. But he didn't look like the person I'd seen only days ago. He was curled up in a ball on his bed, fully clothed and not even under the duvet. His eyes were wide open but they looked sore and red, I wondered if he'd stayed awake all night.
Carefully, I stepped into the room not wanting to startle him. My legs guided me to the end of his bed where numerous pieces of clothing lay scattered on the floor, possibly having been dragged out from the open wardrobe. I sat down at the edge of the bed, trying to disturb him as little as possible.
"Frank?" I asked quietly. "Frank, are you okay?"
A few moments of silence passed before a weird choking sound filled the room. It took me a second or two to realize that he was making that noise. I got up from the end of the bed and crouched on the floor in front of him. Tears were streaming down his face, making his eyes look even worse as his body jerked awkwardly.
"Oh my god Frank, Frank please don't cry."
For some reason, my voice didn't sound convincing at all. It sounded pathetic and stupid which made the words get lost in my throat. He kept crying, the sound of his sobs echoing around the room. Not long after he slid off the bed and curled up against me, clutching onto me as if he were afraid I was going to disappear.
"H-he was going to ask me..." Frank's strangled voice whispered in between sobs.
"Ask you what Frank?"
He gripped tighter onto my clothing and buried his face in my neck, mumbling something against me.
I kept my voice quiet and gentle. "I didn't quite catch that."
"G-Gerard was...was g-going to...ask me...t-to..."
Frank lifted his head from my shoulder and released one hand from my jacket, holding out a box to me.
I swallowed away a hard lump in my throat. Jesus Christ This was bad. So, so bad.
He opened the box with his other hand, revealing a small, silver ring. My stomach twisted into knots, making me feel sick.
"He...he was going to ask you to...marry him?" I asked in voice no more than a whisper.
Frank's eyes filled with tears again as his face contorted in pain. "Why did this happen to me? What did I do to deserve to loose him?" he whined before his sobbing filled the room again.
I pulled him into a hug and wrapped my arms tightly around him, hoping that he felt safe at the least. "You didn't do anything Frank. It was all just a horrible accident...and..."
Words failed me. There was nothing I could say to make him feel better. How could there be? He'd lost the love of his life and just when he's finally starting to get accept his death, he finds a wedding ring? I mentally sighed and carried on hugging Frank, his hands gripping onto me more tightly than ever.
"You'll never leave me, will you Jon?" his small voice asked.
It tore me apart to hear him ask something like that, but I couldn't ignore it.
"No. I'll never, ever leave you..."
And that was the truth because I knew that if I did, it might just be enough to break him even more than he already is.
Then, I couldn't move. Not one muscle. There wasn't a single part of me that had been frozen. Whether it was through shock, grief or just an overreaction I didn't know. All rational thoughts had abandoned my mind as I stared blankly at the box in my hands.
It was a clean, black box that had a brilliantly white, cushioned inside. On the little cushioned part was a thick, silver band. I reached for it on auto-pilot, not really thinking what I was doing, and took it from the box.
A sickening feeling rose in the pit of my stomach, almost bringing bile to the back of my throat. I clamped my eyes shut and shook my head, my hair tickling my face.
No, no, no, no! This wasn't right!
I jumped up from my spot in front of the wardrobe and dived over to my bedside drawer, the ring held tightly in my hand. There was only one thing that I could possibly be looking for.
Gerard's diary.
I skipped right to the last entry he'd written, the rest of it seeming irrelevant right now.
16th February
Well, this is it. I've actually gone out and bought a ring. Man it feels so weird! Like...I'm really going to ask Frank to marry me.
Yeah I'm doing the right thing, we've been living together for over a year now and every thing's been going great! And for the past few months I've finally realized how lucky I am to have such a wonderful guy like Frank in my life. Jesus, I love him so much that I wanna spend the rest of my life with him and grow old together and all that shit.
Doesn't that sound weird? Coming from me, Gerard Way. The fucked-up alcoholic, depressed drug user. I feel proud that I can now say Gerard Way. Madly in love with Frank Iero...and nothing else.
Fuck! I'm so happy I could run to the top of this building and confess my love for Frank to the whole world. And I don't give two shits as to how cliche that sounds.
But seriously, I've never been so happy in my whole life. It's like...I don't know. Before I met Frank I felt like giving up, like nothing was worth living for. But now...Frank's my reason for living. He's what keeps me sane, what keeps me going. The reason I fall asleep happy and wake up happier every day and night.
I don't think I can fully put it into words how much I love him...I don't think I'll ever find the right ones. The ones that will let him know that he means the world to me and I never, ever want to let him go...
So that's why I'm doing this. This is why I'm mentally torturing myself and making myself feel sick with excitement so I can finally tell him how much he really means to me.
Tonight's the night I'm gonna ask him. I've got this whole thing planned out from start to finish. First off, I'm gonna make him dinner. The way to a guy's heart is through his stomach after all...Or so I'm told.
Then it's just gonna be like a normal night, or so he thinks. I'll rent a few movies, we'll snuggle up on the sofa like we always do...God, I'm getting nervous just thinking about it! Okay, okay...um, so then I'll ask him. And I don't know how I'm gonna do it but I just will. I know I'll beat myself up if I don't do it now, because I never will otherwise. And hopefully, after I've asked him and he's said "yes", we'll both go and express our love for each other in another way.
Oh fucking hell! I'd better start getting my shit together! I must remember to take the ring out of the pocket of my other jeans when I get back from my little shopping trip. Otherwise I'll be royally fucked.
I can't believe I'm gonna do it. Tonight. I've been pacing up and down this room for the past hour cause I'm that nervous! Oh god...I better just go and do this. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? Frank's highly unlikely to say no isn't he? He loves me just as much as I love him. Or maybe even more. Though I doubt that's possible. I'd die in two seconds flat just to give him the tiniest idea of how much I love him.
G
xoxo
That was when it hit me. When the wave of tears crashed over me and dragged me under, where I sobbed my poor little heart out for hours. It hit me then that I would never be married to him, that I would never ever see his beautiful smile and never hold him in my arms again. Why did this have to happen to me? What had I ever done to deserve this? I'd never hurt anyone in my life, never broken the law. So why had the only thing I loved been taken from me? Why, why, why, why, why?
***
Jon's POV
I'd been trying to get through to Frank all night. It wasn't working at all, no matter how many times I called or left voice messages, he just never picked up. And that was something he never did.
After I'd dressed and spent about ten minutes fixing my hair, I wandered around my apartment, toying with my cell phone wondering if I should call him again. Maybe I was being over-obsessive. Maybe I was worrying over nothing. It was possible that he'd left his phone in some place other than his pocket and he'd forgotten where he left it.
Yeah right, I thought to myself. I flipped open my cell and pressed in Frank's number and held it to my ear, just waiting.
And I kept waiting...and waiting...and waiting...and -
I'm sorry, the person you have called is not available. Please try again or leave a message after the tone.
Urgh! That annoying voice, again! I sighed angrily snapping my phone shut and shoving it into my pocket. There was no question about it now. I grabbed my jacket and my keys and headed for the door, hoping that everything was okay.
***
By now, I was losing the will to live. I'd been banging on Frank's door for the past god-knows-how-long and still I was trying to call him. Both attempts going unsuccessfully, I might add.
I ran my hands through my hair, trying to calm down. Hell, I'd even tried shouting through the letterbox to which there was no answer. It felt like I was just wasting my time, like he wasn't even inside his apartment. But he wouldn't leave town without saying anything would he? No. No way, that's not like him. But I suppose people can surprise you.
I leaned back against the door and let myself sink down until I hit the floor, resting my head against the hard wood. This was hopeless, completely and utterly hopeless.
A few times people walked past and eyed me in a weird way, probably thinking I was some hobo who just liked to annoy people. Yeah right, I had bigger things to worry about.
"Excuse me sir, are you lost?"
I glanced upwards and saw some guy dressed in a white shirt and black trousers looking down at me, a strange concerned glaze in his eyes. I spotted his name tag, a sure sign that he worked here.
"No, I'm not." I replied bluntly.
"Then can I please ask why you are sitting here? You do realize you're obstructing this person's fire exit. If something were to happen - "
"I don't think there's any chance of that happening to be quite honest..." I squinted and leaned forward so I could see his name tag. "...Simon. The person who lives here won't even open the door."
Simon rubbed his jaw. "Well...have you tried calling them?"
"Yup, all unsuccessful."
"Shouting through the letter box?"
"Done. No response."
His tone of voice dropped. "Breaking down the door?"
My eyes widened and a smile appeared on my face. "Why didn't I run into you sooner?"
With the help of Simon, Frank's door was lying flat on the floor within five minutes. I felt bad that I had to resort to this level, but hey, I'll buy him a new door.
The apartment looked quite normal in my eyes. Everything was clean and tidy, nothing showed signs of a forced entry or anything like that. But Frank was no where to be seen. I was beginning to worry.
All the rooms were silent and there was nothing to indicate that he was still here. Apart from his cell phone. The small object was sat on the kitchen table amid several news papers and envelopes. A sigh of relief escaped from my lips, so maybe he hadn't left. His house keys were in the dish on the coffee table like always and his jacket was slung on the back of the sofa.
I wandered along the corridor to his bedroom, hoping he was in there. I raised my fist to the door and lightly tapped three times against the wood, waiting for any signs of life.
Silence.
My eyebrows pulled together in confusion, so I knocked again. But there was still no answer. Instead of knocking, I pushed the door open and gasped.
It was Frank alright. But he didn't look like the person I'd seen only days ago. He was curled up in a ball on his bed, fully clothed and not even under the duvet. His eyes were wide open but they looked sore and red, I wondered if he'd stayed awake all night.
Carefully, I stepped into the room not wanting to startle him. My legs guided me to the end of his bed where numerous pieces of clothing lay scattered on the floor, possibly having been dragged out from the open wardrobe. I sat down at the edge of the bed, trying to disturb him as little as possible.
"Frank?" I asked quietly. "Frank, are you okay?"
A few moments of silence passed before a weird choking sound filled the room. It took me a second or two to realize that he was making that noise. I got up from the end of the bed and crouched on the floor in front of him. Tears were streaming down his face, making his eyes look even worse as his body jerked awkwardly.
"Oh my god Frank, Frank please don't cry."
For some reason, my voice didn't sound convincing at all. It sounded pathetic and stupid which made the words get lost in my throat. He kept crying, the sound of his sobs echoing around the room. Not long after he slid off the bed and curled up against me, clutching onto me as if he were afraid I was going to disappear.
"H-he was going to ask me..." Frank's strangled voice whispered in between sobs.
"Ask you what Frank?"
He gripped tighter onto my clothing and buried his face in my neck, mumbling something against me.
I kept my voice quiet and gentle. "I didn't quite catch that."
"G-Gerard was...was g-going to...ask me...t-to..."
Frank lifted his head from my shoulder and released one hand from my jacket, holding out a box to me.
I swallowed away a hard lump in my throat. Jesus Christ This was bad. So, so bad.
He opened the box with his other hand, revealing a small, silver ring. My stomach twisted into knots, making me feel sick.
"He...he was going to ask you to...marry him?" I asked in voice no more than a whisper.
Frank's eyes filled with tears again as his face contorted in pain. "Why did this happen to me? What did I do to deserve to loose him?" he whined before his sobbing filled the room again.
I pulled him into a hug and wrapped my arms tightly around him, hoping that he felt safe at the least. "You didn't do anything Frank. It was all just a horrible accident...and..."
Words failed me. There was nothing I could say to make him feel better. How could there be? He'd lost the love of his life and just when he's finally starting to get accept his death, he finds a wedding ring? I mentally sighed and carried on hugging Frank, his hands gripping onto me more tightly than ever.
"You'll never leave me, will you Jon?" his small voice asked.
It tore me apart to hear him ask something like that, but I couldn't ignore it.
"No. I'll never, ever leave you..."
And that was the truth because I knew that if I did, it might just be enough to break him even more than he already is.
♠ ♠ ♠
I think this story is just about finished. I have one more chapter and then that will be it. =[ It's terrible, I know.But! I have two other stories on the go if you'd be kind enough to take a look at them =] Links are on my profile
For now though, comment this one and save all your sadness and goodbyes for the time being. After all, we still have one more chappie to go! :]
xoxo